The last day

I doubt there'll be a post tomorrow. I really have nothing to post about, so I'm just going to give you the things I've been thinking about but not enough to warrant a whole post:

*i was gonna do a post about how Rick Sanchez was cool and real and if all those prime time cable news guys I like him the best. I still do, but that day he decided to get on mega-church (what a stupid name for big churches. I'm gonna stop using this phrase) pastors and how they're being investigated by some senator. He was pretty fair, until he starts crabbing about $3000 suits and how he feels its tacky. Ok, granted he's catholic, and those orrust robes probably don't cost much, but I don't want a pastor in a cheap suit. (my pastor in CT was mad paid. We used to swim in his pool. I miss him. I was given the same initials as him <JC>) And these pastors of large churches aren't JUST pastors. They write books, do speeches and guest sermons, some sell out arenas. If you're going to talk about them, make sure you mention their real income, Rick.

*i grabbed a capri sun out of the fridge and forgot the effin straw! So on my way to the bus I stabbed the hole with my knife (the most use it gets) and drank it that way. And I dribbled that ish all over my shirt! I look like a 5 year old! Sigh... Luckily its a clear juice, so it will be dry by the time I get to work.

*blazers and baseball caps and jeans. Could we work on this fellas? Its a played look. What is it saying? "Oh the blazer sets the look off." boy stop. Put on a jacket. Or some slacks. And then the blazer is too big... Ugh.

*i need a sweater dress. Like, now. I only have 1! Its hot though.

*totally random celebrity from my childhood alert!!! I saw DJ Redd Alert Thursday. On the effing Marta train. Baby why are you on the train? I mean, I'm not hating, but really. Where you headed? You ride the subway in New York? That's hot.

*so a woman in the middle east is an adulterer and deserves the punishment she gets for leaving the house unpermitted and getting gang raped? Oh, ok. Just making sure I heard that right. Shit, we think we have it bad if we step up and admit we've been raped and people start whispering about us. I'd take that over 200 lashes any day.
*this damn song on All My Children. Its literally the theme song of this story arc. They even put the name of the song and group at the bottom of the screen like this is an effing music video. I've heard it every other day for the past few weeks. And WHY is that lil girl playing Emma? She can't act her way out of a box! Ok yeah she's 4, but can't they edit out the 12minutes of dead air in between her lead-in and her line? "Emma, this is your grand dad." 3days later, with absolutely no emotion: "I always wanted a grand dad..." get it together lil girl! Focus! You'll never be Lindsay Lohan at this rate!

*project runway. Jameil has me hooked on all things bravo. What's that guy's name with the insane hair? Christian? He can go. He's a pain and he's just too over the top for me. Nothing he's done has wowed me, and every time he talks I am amazed that I can understand him. "in walks this Asian woman, and she is so petite and amazing and gorgeous. Asians are fierce." can a whole entire region of the world be fierce? Seriously. Asia is huge. He speaks fluent Flamboyant.

*if I wear a flowy, knee length silky dress with a sweater and leggings, would that be winter working? It looks cute but I don't know if its season appropriate. I mean, yeah, its not EVEN cold, but I believe that there should be a reverence to the season. Thoughts?

Woo! Nablopomo is over! I had fun. I've written more posts this month than I have all year I think. Or pretty close. Know about it!
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11 36 44

Do these numbers mean anything to you? Of course not. But they mean a lot to me! 11= mom, aunts and uncles. 36= me, my brothers and all my grandma's grand kids. 44= great grand kids. 91 people spawned from lovely Anna. Can you believe that?! Wow. And 1/9 of us lived in my house when I was 14.

Back then, we had lived in East Point for 3 years. My aunt D was living in CT, and aunt Stacey was in Tampa, I think. Somewhere swampy. I don't know much about Florida. It seemed they both decided, simultaneously, that it was time to make a fresh start. Its all good. We lived in a 3 bedroom house and my mother had turned the front den into a master bedroom. So we had space.

Now that I really think about it our house has never been just us. My mema, other family, my "aunty" Rachelle, the devilish woman who lived with us last year (ugh. Let's not), so on. My mom's always opening up like that. Especially family.

So anyways, aunts move in, and we somehow make it work. I have bunk beds, my brother has bunk beds. Ms Lady and I sleep in my room, her bro Jay and my bro sleep next door. Aunt D is in the master bedroom, and I think this is where my ma got her habit of sleeping on the couch. My aunt Stacey and her 3 kids, Imani (5), Jordan(2) and Jared (lil pookie baby), sleep in the other bedroom.

Aunt Stacey was so paranoid! I can see why, now that I'm older. I'd be on the phone after school, and she'd have the operator cut her in to check on her babies. "and get off the phone!" we'd have to stay off til she got home! Do you know how hard that is for a high schooler? And wouldn't the phone NOT be busy if something was wrong? Like if one of them was injured I'd carry on my conversation? Ok. And I don't recall having her number to call her. So, if something did happen... There were very important things to talk about to the people I spent all day writing notes to! Why didn't we have call waiting?! So many questions!

The bigger boys tore their room up! My bro is not a rambunxious (i don't know how to spell it!), but Jay totally is. Even now. So he'd try to goad my brother into wrestling or play fighting him and it turned out so bad! They'd just end up pissed at each other. The only times property damage ensued was when Jay was outside throwing acorns in that mock romance way, trying to get my bro to come outside. And he threw one THROUGH the window! Sigh. No hiding that from the parents! Then there was the bag, full of books, through the wall. They hid that one for a long time. In another house, one boy tossed the other through a wall. Big holes.

Ms lady and I would put words in people's mouths. We'd amuse ourselves by watching our moms doing something across the room and add the vocals. I remember one of us using the line "no, you're wrong! This is just like when we were kids!" and cracking each other up. They never knew. They'd be so wrapped up in paperwork and plans and we'd have them talking about all kinds of nonsense.

What else? Oh shopping was insanity. We'd have to buy diapers every day! I mean we, cuz big people would give us money, and lil people would head to the CVS where I'd inevitably work. Like 3 gallons of milk at a time. If you want something, hide it! You like that cereal? You get one bowl of it, you're lucky. We'd have day and night shifts on dishes. And you better do them your assigned time, cuz if not you're doing the next person's on top of yours and messing up the rotation. If you're of a certain age, you have to sit at the table.

Speaking of the table... The chairs. Oh my, every chair was broken by the end of it all. I don't know how but it seemed like the tops slid off the chairs and people fell through the frames! Hillarity! We were checking chairs first before we sat down.

Everyone had their moments. Imani stood on the fireplace mantel and sang "we fall down" and would not stop! She just kept, "we fall down, we get up! We fall down, we get up!" and we're like "yay!" thinking she'd stop! And she wouldn't! Lmao! My aunt was like, "thank you mani! Thank you! You can stop now!" And her darling lil brother, one day, he's sitting on the bed crying. He was my lil buddy (I seem to get along with the toddler set) and so I say, "Jordan! What's wrong pookie?" and pick him up and let him cry in my lap. And then I realize what's wrong... He pooped on himself, and was in trouble. And now I got boo boo on me! I had to put him right back down on the towel I'd somehow ignored, his comfort be damned, and clean myself. *shiver* And then Jared. I can mention this since he is alive and well... I let him roll off the couch. Twice. Ms Lady was yelling at me from the kitchen, "hold him!" I was all in the tv or something. She is a born mom. And he would forward roll to the floor and giggle. And so I prayed he wouldn't grow up a lil slow... And he didn't! Whew!

Oh reminiscing is so fun! Eventually aunt Stacey moved back to CT, and aunt D moved into her own place. We missed them. That was definitely a memorable few months.

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TMI Wednesday

1. Are you a member of the mile high club?
No. Kesi is scared of heights, so he spent most of the 4 total hours in the sky asking questions.

2. What is the most public place you have ever had sex?
The roof of my high school. But even that was very private. I mean, no one else was on the roof... There were people in the lobby below us, which made me think we'd get arrested or otherwise caught, or stuck up there forever.

3. What is your most embarrassing family moment?
Although I was not there, it was when my mom and aunt Stacey paid for the bus in pennies. $1.50 in pennies. Each. And dropped some on the floor. Sigh. I guess that's not so bad. There was the time in 7th grade where we got robbed, and I had some friends over and one said, in total sincerity, "they stole your brother's bed frame too?" I didn't want to tell them he never had one... We had only lived in ga for a year and didn't really have much.

4. What kind of birth control do you use?
The pill. I recall a comedian saying, "how come when a person says that you know exactly WHICH pill? There are a lot of pills out there."

5. Have you ever had sex in the snow? Rain?
Like outside IN it? No... Way too cold/ wet. Not a fan of the elements. If its raining or snowing (yeah right) I might wanna snuggle up... But I must have coverage.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe your flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?
I don't know. People think my regular behavior is flirty, which is problematic. I'm just nice and laid back. That's how I roll.
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7 things

Mk. So I stole this, and her reason for doing this, from Jameil. I need something to write about! And I don't feel like thinking. So here's 7 odd things you may not know about me.

*I collect things. I have a piggy bank, a piggy doorbell (a door hanger that you squeeze and it oinks), a shirt with a pig holding flowers and asking that you not eat him, and lots of stuffed pigs. Also, I have foreign coins that I keep in a lil shoe-shaped bank that one of my neighbors bought for me in Japan. Sand from different beaches I've been to, in oddly shaped glass bottles. And I have music video anthologies by artists and by directors.

*i am a pack rat. In case you couldn't tell from my collection of random items... I have magazines I haven't touched in years. Old mail, read and unread. Books from the people who lived in our house before we did, some of which I have begun to read despite the fact that they're all curriculum books. Old letters. Objects I planned to use but never got around to. The list goes on. All these things are tucked under my bed or in bookshelves or closets, so I hardly think of them.

*my mother smacked one of my teeth out. When I was 7 I think, my mom, my aunt Linda, her daughter and I were on our way somewhere in a hurry. We jumped in the car, a hatchback, and my mother tossed her purse to me... But I wasn't paying attention and she smacked me in the face with it. Now, my mother has never been a woman of small purses. To call it a purse evokes demureness. This was a "pockabook," to mock our accent, and a big one. The tooth was already loose, but not enough to come out! I think it was a front one, if not then one of the ones to the right of it. Top tooth. I cried my lil face off. I don't remember it hurting, but I was shocked! And now we're riding around, and am I supposed to just hold this tooth in my hand? Trauma.

*i don't eat pork, most cheeses, ketchup, eggs, hot dogs, or veggies with the word green(s) in their title. I'm a picky eater! I stopped eating pork when I was 15 because I decided I wanted a "Wilbur"-esque pig, and I knew itd be cruel to eat one and claim to love my pet. (this started the stuffed pig affair) I stopped eating "yellow" cheese at about age 7. I think I outgrew the taste, cuz I used to sneak kraft singles and eat them like there was no tomorrow. Same for ketchup and hotdogs. Just grew out of them. I developed an allergy to eggs- my throat scratches and closes up if I eat an egg-based product like egg rolls or scrambled eggs. I hate all kinds of greens. Even green beans. They just taste funny! Spinach greens, turnip greens, collard greens, etc. A lil too southern for me. I don't like for my veggies to have had to been boiled all freaking night and day. Soggy and most are a lil tart from what I can remember. I hate them most of all. The other things I might concede on but I hate greens!

*I hung around with druggies but never did any drugs. I used to get good laughs from the dumb things they'd do. I didn't even smoke weed until I stopped hanging out with them (most had dropped out or switched to the alternative school by then), and that was a short-lived thing. They were cool people personality-wise, but they liked some harsh stuff. I was never into it and they didn't pressure me or the other's who didn't want to, and that was cool.

*i used to sit in my closet to think. When I lived in the house before the house we live in now, I had a closet with sliding doors. I could stand in there, but it wasn't a walk-in. I had a random assortment of things in there on the floor and I would sit on them when I didn't want anyone to find me. It was very peaceful and private, especially at the time when I started doing it, when I was 14 and 10 people lived in my house (and Lauren stayed over after school). That's another story for another time, the 10 people story... Anyways I shared a room with Ms Lady<http://www.alyseshaunte.blogspot.com/> and was missing my alone-ness, so I would sit in there and write, talk on the phone, breathe...

*i like to pick scabs. And it annoys the hell out of my boyfriend. I mean, they kind of call to me. And he's always burning and scarring himself at work. First I'll start rubbing his arm, while watching tv or something, and then I'm scratching, and he's snapping at me to leave it alone so it can heal. That's why I have so many scars; I can't just leave them alone! But I don't hurt myself as much as he does, so its easier to pick at his. He even has this one spot on his elbow where it just peels all the time, and when I'm bored I lift his arm and go to town. I have a problem, I know this.

PS: M.I.A. Is artist of the week on MTV! Loves it!

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Worst case scenario

Apparently I'm a raging optimist. Like annoyingly so. I think I've figured out why. Or at least one reason why...

So it turns out my ex isn't a deadbeat dad, as I've called him before. I must apologize for that error in my judgement, despite the fact I was led to believe he was. Turns out, his first child's mother was an irresponsible parent and got their child taken. He knows not where. But he is looking. Can't be mad at that fact.

So Barbie is telling me about their trials with trying to find her step daughter, and she said she was scared. In addition to giving her my POV as a person who grew up not knowing my brother, and blaming a parent for that (I've since stopped doing that. It doesn't matter now, life happens and blame doesn't change a thing). I also told her to imagine the worst possible outcome of things. That way whatever happens, its better than you expected.

I realized that I do that all the time! When she said she wanted to talk to me, I immediately went into a scenario that she wanted to berate me over the phone, or trick me into rekindling our friendship so she could cut me off at the knees, etc. By doing this I mentally prepared for the event. Of course, she had no ill intentions, but because I pictured her coming after me with a knife, things turned out way better than I thought! See what I mean? I even did this a few days ago, when I wrote a letter to Kesi about future plans. My worst case scenario there was that he'd not be receptive and break up with me (partly because he didn't read it til the next day, while I thought he was avoiding the subject), which of course didn't happen, praise the lawd. His reaction was so minuscule by comparison, which is more to his nature than what I pictured him doing, and everyone walks away relieved and happy.

So this keeps me saying "that wasn't so bad, was it?!" at every crazy turn, or, "its not so bad! You could be...(fill in your worst case scenario here)!"

Today I go into work fully expecting to be fired for watching "law and order SVU" while on the clock and having some man complain about the language the girl used (when she found out the detective lied to her about her boyfriends ratting her out for killing her mom). Eh, what can you do?
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History

Its raining. Blah. I mean I guess its good... Now that its not what anyone could consider warm out, maybe the rain will hit the right spots and raise the water levels. Maybe I can go swimming without cutting up my feet this summer? Or am I headed on a beach vacay?

On to the subject of this post. I've been keeping a diary on and off since I was 12. My first was one I stole (I was quite the klepto at a young age) from CVS and had space for each day. I would take it everywhere. One day I left it in Spanish class and of course some kids in the next period class read it.... Some of whom I knew. And that kind of turned me off to the idea of keeping my personal thoughts in a book... Until the summer before my 8th grade year when my aunt D bought me a cute one with a cat on it. I was spending the whole summer in CT, being all angsty, and she probably could see that I needed an outlet, lol.

So I've been thinking about starting a second blog for said diaries. I've always had the idea of publishing them, but wasn't sure if anyone would want to read it. One time I let Kesi read it (I haven't even re-read it in years) just so he could see who I was. Apparently I was mean and a lil funny. I'm sure "scathing, stuck up bitch" is how I'd describe myself back then, but that was only in my diary. That's how I responded to my lack of "popularity." you know, that perfect girl personality you see on tv, that I thought was realistically achieveable. If I had been as observant as I am now, I would have seen that no one I knew had that, and that I had the best array of friends snd was pretty well-known. Even if it was for being weird (yes I wore black velvet 6inch platform Mary janes and painted each nail a different color, so?).

Of course it would require a few footnotes by "grown Joy," cuz half the time you all would have no idea what I'm talking about, what with not knowing these people, and I would have to omit a few that have no real subject matter at all... Mainly I would have to reread my old diaries, which I don't really do except for a few high school ones, when I am trying to figure out what happened when and I am hoping I mentioned it. The idea of going back to age 13 is absolutely petrifying! I was crazy back then! I mean... At least now I know the idea that I'm the only one that matters is only a truth to me, and no one else.

So is this a good idea? Would you do it? Are you still cringing at my definition of my favorite shoes from 7th grade?
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Ok ok ok...

Its true. I don't like Christmas music. No. Unless its a carol about our Savior born in a manger (born, born, born in Bethlehem) I don't wanna hear it. For the most part. There is the quad city Christmas. I think that's what its called. Its a booty shaking, bass heavy 12 days of Christmas. "5 fresh gold chains!" you know the song! Especially if you've been in the south from November to December.

Why? One reason is because my name is Joy. People ask me, "is that really your name or did you just do that for the holiday?" sigh. It was even worse when Betty worked there. Betty's real name? Betelhem. She was Ethiopian, everyone thought we were related (despite the fact that she has a serious accent. I apparently look so Ethiopian that the fact that I DON'T have an accent is inconsequential to people who thought I was her or my coworker Roman [she's named for a flower, not the place]). And do not think you are clever and are the first to sing Joy to the World to me. Don't do it! Any song with Joy in it. "Joy" by blackstreet, "joyful joyful" by the cast of sister act, " none. Its not cute.

Now, when I tell you I am named after a scripture, I will love you forever if you know which one. Yes, my name is mentioned infinite times in the bible, so the odds of me loving you forever are slim. But I'm making this promise to you. Its not one of the obvious ones.

Back to Christmas for a second. So. Atheists. Do you celebrate Christmas? I mean, I know you don't go to church, or sing carols, but do your kids, who skip "under God" in the pledge (meanwhile, I don't even say the pledge. Allegiance to a flag is like worshiping a false idol), do they get presents? Do you believe in the paganistic things that Christmas brings? A tree, a yule log? Just wondering. I made a great analogy to my friend about what I like to call "right wing atheists": "atheists think Christians are stupid. Ok, fine. I think people who wear flip flops in the winter are stupid. But you don't see me on tv speaking out against them, do you? But I'll laugh at them. And atheists can laugh at me. That's fine. Just do it at home."

In conclusion, I would like to say, since I put about 12 different posts into one, that I may not like Christmas music, but I love Christmas movies! I was at work watching "ELF." cracking up all by myself! "Santa! I know him! I know him!" I'd never seen it before, but I think I might watch it when it comes on again today and Sunday. What else will I have to do while I'm waiting on the 3 guests in the hotel? I missed "a Christmas story" Thursday, but its good enough to watch every year. I saw another movie which I didn't know was a Christmas movie, and because of that its not standing out in my mind as one. Its an old movie, I remember that. "The Santa Clause?" Love. I wanna see "fred clause" too. And some holiday episodes of shows. The "a different world" where Whitley gets robbed by Santa. Or the one where she does past/present/future and they sing "3 french kisses, 2 butts a- bumpin, to my mc hammer cd!" And "friends!" "I'm the holiday armadillo!" loves.

See? They call that a redeeming quality.
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Dear you:

What am I supposed to say? Seriously. I feel like, after Monday you have no respect for me. I'm sorry, maybe that is a little harsh for the first paragraph, but its true.

I'm the type to stop a person when I KNOW they're lying to me. Especially if it was something so trivial (to me) as what you were saying. You didn't have to continue, and so I stopped you. Maybe you got defensive cuz I caught you in a lie, but to curse at me and get buck at me (over a text message no less) was quite unnecessary. When this same situation was reversed, when we weren't as close friends as (I thought) we were now, I was like ok, you got me, and we moved on. Remember that?

I think I owe it to a person's conscience to let them know I know the deal. Why would I continue to let you lie to me? I know when I saw you again you'd offer this same info and I would know it wasn't true. And should I allow you to put more lies into the ether when I could stop you? Regardless about what. It wouldn't even be a big deal if you hadn't made it one. I thought it was funny, until you got beligerent. And its not the first time, I now recall, that you've done that when I've told you you were wrong. If you can't respect that I would come to you and tell you when I felt wronged by you, my friend; if you think that you're so above that, then I feel that you don't respect me. Cuz honestly, its not that serious. Everybody's wrong sometimes. I'm wrong a lot. And if I dared get mad every time someone said so, well then I'd be on my ass somewhere.

Maybe its your current issues. But you know what, I've been nothing but there for you. I've advised you when you asked; related to you; had your back when necessary. And you have done the same when I had the courage to let you in. This is hard for me as I have very few female friends, and lord knows I don't allow people to see me in a vulnerable state. But I did. And if you were anyone else, someone who I didn't care about I would dismiss this and NEVER speak to you again. But I'm not the one who did you wrong honey. Don't get pissed at me. Don't take my 2, and add his 8. Cuz I'm not to blame for that shit. Go yell at him for what I did, if anything. That makes more sense, especially since he's the reason what you told me was a lie, though you wanted it to be true.

So what do you want me to do? Seriously? I mean, I can't let you keep disrespecting me. I'm a grown ass woman. Too old to need people to like me. I really am. And since we're in the realm of this fictional letter to you, let me just say, I can take you or leave you.

Ball's in your court. Holla.

Thank you!

*said like my aunt Stacey, when her daughter took stage on the mantel and sang for us and would NOT stop singing! She said it loud enough to drown out the singing. Imagine.*

Today is thanksgiving. What an odd holiday. How until like high school, did we not connect the "trail of tears" to thanksgiving? "the Indians loved us then we made them cry so they went away." right...

Anyways my house has been smelling good for hours and I am hungry! Turns out, meat was not my problem. Seeing how I only really eat chicken and turkey... Anywho, I should cut back on starches. And um, I don't know if I can do that people! Doritos, french fries, my mom's potato salad, fried rice... Oh woe. I love starch! I have an issue with crunchy things. Must crunch! Seriously. I have to have something to seriously chew on. Some people do gum. I like Lays products. Because of that, I could never work for coca cola. Its in their rules.

But I totally went off on a tangent! What I really want to say is what I'm thankful for. I'll try to make a list of things people aren't usually thankful for, not the obvious things. You know?

*la, Kesi, breezy and bre. I love them. They keep me.

*renewed friendships

*craigslist. It will be how I find my new job, I'm sure.

*MTV reality shows. And while we're on the subject of TV, Graham Norton. If you have BBC America and aren't busy at 1am on Saturdays...

*the ability to make things with my hands. Used to be poetry, now its blankets and stuff.

*that this, my hardest year, is almost over.

*Jose cuervo black medallion tequila.

*spending the last week of 2007 not working.

*my blackberry, nicknamed "halle berry," "blackberry molasses," and "cherry berry muffin." (did anyone else have that doll?)

* turkey wings

*the fact that it hasn't gotten cold yet

*my ability to think absolutely crazy thoughts and to have friends to laugh at said thoughts

And lastly.....

*my readers. Few though you may be. I'm working on that, branching out and reading new and crazier blogs.

Have a great thanksgiving! Loves you!

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Kesi in the car

This should become a regular thing. Me+ kesi+ car+ radio= something funny. Por exemple:

Tuesday night. We're driving to walmart. I was in a particularly bad mood (not bad, maybe unsettled) because it was like 1am and I didn't want to go to walmart so late, but alas. He's talking to me about something, and he's making me laugh, and "behind these hazel eyes" comes on the radio.

Between my singing I comment, "I wish I had hazel eyes. I'd be like, 50% cuter."

"Nah."

"Why?"

"I don't think you could get any cuter."

"aw."

"Plus, if you were any cuter, I'd have to strong-arm niggas. Like, 'Ay! What the fuck you looking at!' Then I'd have to beat them up."

Wow. Ok... No hazel for me. I'm sitting there cracking up at him. He paints a scene of him wrecking shop cuz dudes like my eyes.

The funny thing is, I know he wouldn't do that, but he's capable. Especially when he tells me he charged across the gym and tried to beat up a boy for talking to his middle school girlfriend.

Seriously boo?
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TMI Tuesday: stupid edition.

These are the worst questions. I almost didn't answer them, but I'm just trying to make sure I have an entry for today. Tuesday is like my easy day. Anyways...

1. what's the sexiest gesture a woman can make?
As a woman, I'd have to say the sexiest gesture I make... Who the hell knows. Its not sexy to me, and I think trying to be sexy is very unsexy. If we were to ask Kesi, he'd probably say my smile.

2. what are 3 inevitable things about you?
What? I am me and that is inevitable. I totally don't get this question. I may need to go find a dictionary cuz maybe my definition of inevitable (an instopable event) is wrong. Next question.

3. what do you want . . . . now?
I want my boyfriend to not have to be at work at 8am so that he could have come to my house and rubbed my feet and back, and snored and breathed on me while he slept(yes you do snore babe.)

4. what asset do you have besides the physical and the material?
I have many. I'm smart. I'm good with words and and numbers and lyrics. I'm a great friend, and I am an awesome kisser. I guess that's physical though. But I kiss with my heart. I've never kissed someone I didn't want to. Yes, even him... I had my motives.

5. describe a sexy mind.
A smart one. With a sophomoric humor. Wity. One that does not judge.

Bonus (as in optional):What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?
I'm thankful this year is almost over! And I'm thankful in advance that once it is over, I will be the better for it, financially, spiritually, emotionally.
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Some songs I love and one I don't.

Has anyone else heard the new Snoop Dogg song? "sensual seduction." its about some girl and all they do "is play in the sheets, sheets, sheeeeets." lol he is sangin! The beat is on some roller skate jam, early 90s house type stuff. Loves it.

I like Mary J's new jam too. "Fine, fine, fine, fine, hoo!" I been doing that since I saw her perform last night in that cat suit. You better wear a cat suit Mary! Do it! Lol how old is she? With her knee high boots? I am not mad at you. I don't care if The Cynic says you sound like you're yelling at someone.

What else? X is feeling me on "shawty is a tee-yen!" I have to spell it like she spelled it. I seem to enjoy songs where people are repeating something. sheets, fine, tee-yen... Let me be able to tell out something over and over, and its a hit!

I love kiss kiss. For 3 reasons. 1 Its a great song with a great video, 2 he tore up that upside down dance at the awards (I was all up in those awards last night at work. There was really nada to do. I mean, the few guests were in there watching too. Did you see Kellie Pickler's dress? Gorgeous. I'm sure its on Perez Hilton. For a country singer she's jazzy as hell. Unlike Carrie Underwood. WTF did she have on? Looks like someone glued feathers and tissue paper on her.) and the number 3 reason, in case you forgot what I was talking about due to the Jameilian paranthetical I just created, is because I have video of my lil buddy Shamarr recreating the video with his uncle. I will put it on facebook soon. (need to ask mama first. I'm not trying to throw other folks kids on the web. Remember lil beyonce?) He had us cracking up! I mean, its one thing to know the lyrics, but to not be standing in front of the tv and know when to do the moves? He is 3! Golly! We gotta get that boy an agent.

And the song I don't like.....

Its an old one, but every time I hear it I groan. I love the artist, but this one song... "at last" by Etta James. Let's break it down. Its a love song, right? Why does she break out in that sad key, dragging it out? "at last... My looove has come along..." like she just been sitting by the window in the rain waiting on this man to come save her, and he's like, "I'll get there when I get there! Damn." He's here and she still sounds pitiful. The composition is beautiful but its not at all uplifting. The lyrics. My lonely days are over, yada yada. The whole song is pretty much about how depressed she was before prince charming sauntered along. Let that shit go! It also perpetuates the rumor that she couldn't possibly be happy without this dude who just "come along." seems she needs him more than he needs her.

People dance to this at their wedding! Oh naw. Like, this is their first song. Now I know that getting married cements the fact that this person completes you. But let's be real about the song you pick as your first. I want a happy song. "For once in my life" falls under the umbrella of songs that I wouldn't use either. But at least he wrote that about his child, and not some clingy woman.
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The other woman

*can you believe I did absolutely nothing at work today, yet I forgot to blog while I was bored out of my skull? Well Sunday's not over yet! On with the show!*

Saturday morning. 945am. I am roused out of my sleep by an insistent buzzing under my pillow. I roll over to look at Kesi: sound asleep. I roll back over to look at the phone: way too early... Did something happen? Are we found out?

A few seconds later, the phone buzzes again. "you have a new voice message." I try to go back to sleep, wondering if its him or her that called me. The one trying to call me closer, or the one warning me to stay away. What if we were found out? Shit. I don't know how I'll get back to sleep. I nestle under Kesi's arm and close my eyes, knowing that if I listen to the message now I may have more to worry about in these few hours of peace.

"hey Joy, its Barbie*. Just calling to let you know I'll call you tonight. We got the house and I'm so happy and so thankful!"

Whew! Ever since we've reconnected, I've had this fear that he'll find out. That he'll call me and curse me out, tell me to stay away. That he'll think I'm trying to ruin what they have. Every unknown number is him. Every time she calls I think its him.

"understandable. but, not your issue. that's her choice. she has chosen to keep u frm her husband. u havent chosen it. u have to respect that if that's what she feels is best." ah Lauren. Wee voice of wisdom.

"so I have an important question. Ok, it might not be important, but its important to me. Does he hate me?"

"no, he doesn't hate you. He's uncomfortable with us talking, but he knows that I need all the friends I can get."

Another breather moment. So she has told him. But without being on good terms with him, without him knowing all the things that are going on in my life that are reason enough for me to be happy and not mess with their situation, I still feel weird. I'm glad I asked though. I don't want to be leverage. I don't want, "well I've been talking to Joy!!" to come up in an argument. I'm starting to stop looking at him as the evil ex, and more as the friend's husband. Cuz that's what he is.

... Btw, did anyone see beyonce's wacktastic performance on the AMAs? I literally laughed through the whole thing. The chorus was especially hor-e-blay. Please YouTube that hot mess if you missed it.

*also, clearly her name is not Barbie. We call her that because of the old "gangsta bitch Barbie" skit from in living color.

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Veg week.

So you guys, I been feeling hella sluggish lately. No energy, no joie de vivre... Blarg. So guess what? I'm a vegetarian. Til Wednesday.

I was gonna try to wait til Saturday, but Wednesday seemed like as good a time as any, since I had the day off and hadn't actively eaten any meat that day. So anyways, here's what I have eaten so far:

Wed: *apple/cinnamon oatmeal
*delicious spinach lasagna from OZ Pizza. (this place is the best)
*trail mix as a snack (cran raisins, gold raisins, pepitas, sunflower seeds and almonds)

Thurs: *the rest of my lasagna
*bagel
*a slice of cheese pizza from Papa Johns (I was trying to carb up for the drinking I planned on doing, which I didn't do...)

Friday: *trix cereal
*subway seafood sub with baked bbq chips
*almond/almond butter granola bar (nature valley, yummo!)
*small fries from McDonald's

Saturday so far: *cocoa krispies

Went to walmart and got carrots and some sad looking pomagranates (that's a hard word to spell!), carrots, and other non-meat products. I'm a snacker, so I'm also trying to resist eating every time I feel like it, and eat when I'm actually hungry. If I can make it through work without eating the 3 or 4 snacks I feel I need, then I'm doing good. I'm working alone for the next 3 days, so I'll get bored, which won't help. Also, quiznos has that flatbread sandwich which looks banging! Do they do vegetarian stuff? Damn you, it costs $2? Why? Temptation!

I can do this! Somebody throw me an apple!
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crafty!

my newest scarf!!! isnt it cute?






the baby blanket i made in pretty much 2 days. my hand was killing me!!! despite the fact that the feft hand is the active one, the right hand is in a "writing' position so it ends up in the worst pain...

also, im on craigslist!!! woo! i posted in the baby section, and the accessories section. i havent got any responses yet, but we hopes for the best.

Excuses.

She said after six, right?

Well I have company. I can't call while company is here.

I have to wait for my night minutes.

I'm in the middle of this blog... Its really interesting.

Where's that phone number?

At 919PM I finally brought myself to press ok, as my phone asks, "call Barbie?"

"Hello?"
"hi can I speak to Barbie?"
"this is she."

And its just that easy. In a matter of 2 hours we are caught up. Laughing about things, talking about God, joking. And apologizing. "my mind, the place I was in at the time... The things I said and did were wrong and I am really sorry." and I exhale.

It came out of nowhere, the sorry. I wasn't expecting it. But she was waiting for me to call so she could say it. She said she knew God was pulling her toward me, happy that her ex asked about her through me, so that we could have these words. She said it was her test. I'd say she passed.

I wouldn't say we are where we were. We're different people. And because of that we can reconcile the past. We talked about it with laughter: the time her husband and I talked our way out of a suspension, the time he got mad at me for smoking a cigarette (which led to an interesting conversation about how she and he work better together because she doesn't let him double standard her, which I totally let him do to me), our other crazy exes (who we can get a laugh out of now...).

She had to go and wants me to call her tonight. For all the fear I had I feel a lot better. I'm not sure if things can be the same because I've been told her husband still harbors some resentment. But that's his problem. I told him a long time ago that I would want to be his friend.

I'll keep you all updated on things...
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An interlude.

So Kesi and I were riding in the car and The Dream's "shawty is a 10." came on. After a few minutes of Kesi throwing random "eh"s into the atmosphere, he says, "this song really caught on out of nowhere. Wonder why."

"cuz, you know, its a lot of tens out there that's feeling this." clearly there's a lil brag in my voice. I resist the urge to pop my collar.

"yeah, yeah, yeah." pause. "but its a lot of sixes who THINK they are tens. They're really digging it."

That is true though...
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I believe in "aliens." I believe that God is infinite, and it would be foolish to believe that and deny that He may possibly have created other life that we don't know about. Right? With that said, I don't necessarily believe that there are UFOs swarming around teasing people with their presence and anally probing people. I feel like more than just the few people who have "seen one" would have by now.

I also understand that my theories and beliefs are fantastic and maybe crazy. But I am lil ol Joy, posting on a blog, and I'm not trying to impress or persuade anyone.

Who know who is though? Dennis kusinych (or however you spell it) and John McCain. Don't be going on tv telling folks you seen UFOs! Sigh. People will think you are fantastic and maybe crazy! Or are you going for that "I seen one too!" vote? Cuz lemme tell you, the "that dude is crazy" voting pool is MUCH bigger. Much. I mean, you're running for president! Did you watch "independence day" last week?

Honestly, I wasn't going to vote for one of you either way, and the other one, well, I don't really know you... But now you're the joke of CNN. Is that what you wanted? I hope not. Or is this some plot to get your name out there? I am bereft of words.

Bereft.
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A quick history

Once upon a time there were two girls. Joy, and Barbie. We all know Joy. Barbie was a nice girl, if a little troubled. Joy and Barbie had been friends since middle school. Joy and Barbie had a tendency to date the same dudes, and despite this fact, they stayed friends. It was what they called a "non-issue," however important to this plot.

Joy was dating this guy she thought was great. They had broken up once and were now persuing a long-distance relationship. Meanwhile Joy and Barbie started to drift apart. After many years their goals became different. Joy tried to express this in a letter to Barbie but it didn't have the proper result, and Barbie stopped speaking to her.

One day, a few months later, the silent treatment seemed to be over. Barbie and Joy seemed better than before, and all seemed forgiven. They caught up with each other; Barbie mentioned that she was changing schools to better herself, and Joy was happy to hear it.

The day before Christmas break, Joy received a letter. Barbie said some horrible things to her and let her know what she really felt. "you're a liar. He says you two are broken up. You're a horrible person, delusional" etc. Barbie didn't know Joy hadn't heard from her boyfriend in a while (he was supposedly in jail which Joy still questions, but it is in the past, and what's done is done) and was extremely worried. And she had no way to talk to Barbie- she was already gone and away to her new school.

The inevitable happened- Joy and her boyfriend broke up. But she felt really betrayed by Barbie. There were things she said and felt without ever finding out if they were true, or sticking around to know the truth. And worst of all, Barbie took a 7 year friendship and used it to get revenge on a person she thought had stopped caring about her.

I never stopped caring about her. Even now, I wish her the best. She's married to my ex- I've mentioned this before- and they have kids together. I've accepted the fact that things happened, and they can't be changed. Life is what it is and I am happy with the way things turned out on my part. I even feel like I've forgiven her for hurting me so many years ago. Even more than the things I've mentioned here.

I know we're going to see each other again, and things will have to be settled. It almost happened a few months ago, and it scared me. I expected the worst. I never expected this:

Mutual friend: I'm good:) Barbie isn't interested in talking to (her ex who asked me about her) lol. She did say give you her number. I'd say don't leave a message though cuz it's her husband's phone and i don't know if he'd get an attitude-u know how he is lol

Me: Wow. She wants me to call her? I'm intrigued, lol.

Friend: Lol something about fixing old things

Me: I think I will call her. Honestly, I can say that I'm past things, but when an opportunity is given and I don't take it, then am I really?

To be continued...
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TMI Tues: 101307.

So its day 13! Almost halfway there! Sometimes bloging every day is hard, sometimes its easy. I been just letting them come to me and then staggering them out through the days. And Jameil's tip helped; I have been jotting lil things today. But anyways, on to the questions, which also help by giving me a guaranteed Tuesday post...


1. Have you ever met a fellow blogger in person?

Not as a blogger. I know 3 people whose blogs I read, but I met them before blogs existed. So no?

2. Did you ever play an innocent game of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"? How old where you?

It was not ever innocent. Boys used to flash me and I would tell on them. And anyone who has seen "mine" has had intimate acquaintance with it. Even today though, I like to show people my underwear. Like, the patterns and stuff. Now that I have a serious boyfriend and am a grown ass woman, I deny myself that joy. People might think I'm trying to hit on them or something.

3. When did you get your first not so innocent kiss? 3a.If your partners are no longer of the opposite sex, when did you get that first kiss?

Hmmm. When I was 5, Michael Smith pinned me to a recessed wall and kissed me. It was not innocent, but I didn't have any feelings about it, seeing as how I was 5. After that, my next kiss was with a boy in my 6th grade class who I think I've mentioned before, during a game of truth or dare. He had nice lips. (I can't remember what I said about him but I remember including the fact that he tried to feel me up at 6 flags.)

4. Have you ever awoke with someone who's name you did not remember?

No. No.

5. Have you ever let someone else wash you while you were perfectly capable of doing it yourself?

Yes. Kind of. I like if Kesi is around to take showers with him. We talk and wash each other's backs, which I guess I could do myself, but its better when he does it.

Bonus (as in optional): What makes a great first date for you?

Comfort. A nice walk, pizza, and a good kiss. I've had it. It was the best.
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