liberation

You ever just hear something that gets you so deep? I almost want to just bust out singing or crying on the train right now. Cee lo's part is it though... "my feet feel like I walked most of the road on my own." I think my MP3 player is trying to tell me something. So far I've heard the carpenters' "yesterday once more, timbaland's "miscomunication," and stone temple pilots' "interstate love song." by that I glean that maybe I need to go home.






Liberation Lyrics

daddy.

is anyone really getting moved by the tiger woods nike commercial? every time it comes on i get quiet. i also wish that we had a video camera when i was little.

so after one particular viewing of the commercial i called my dad. we talked for a sec about what he's doing today (My cousin's having a cookout at the park near my old house) and when he was coming down here (a couple weeks). and why he's moving back.

my dad's moving back to the south. not atlanta he said, but maybe georgia. my mother's happy she has someone to fix our shower. i dont know how my brother feels, but he knew first and didnt tell anyone- purposefully or not.

me? all i can say is i'm happy. when my dad left unexpectedly it was odd and somewhat devastating for me. but now he'll be closer physically to me, and that makes me feel more, i dont know, relaxed. for a person who has essentially had lots of family around all the time, the little that i have down here- friends included- means so much to me. no matter if i see them or talk to them, knowing they are near by makes me feel like i can breathe easy. and my dad- my hero guy- he makes me feel the most relaxed.

so here we are on father's day, and i'm feeling fulfilled. i'd like one day to look back on my life with my father like tiger did and see nothing but happiness, love, and closeness. and i'd like to go buy a video camera.

apartment 7-A is where the heart is...

So here i am in ct. Where i was born and raised. And much like that day, i am cold and broke. But that's beside the point, because i have family.

After getting secondhand info on my grandma, and causing myself stress by obsessing over calling (or not calling)
her to see how she is, i finally got to see her today. Its really all i needed.

I was nine when my grandma had her first heart attack. We were in her room, watching animaniacs, and she called desperately for my mom. After that, it was a blur. I remember each moment up to that point when my
mother made my brother and me leave the room. staring at her not knowing what to do...having this event take place that seemed so much like the stuff on tv, only no one knew CPR or shit like that. my brother, 5 years old, kind of scared but not sure why...

After that: sleeping in my grandma's bed while she was in the hospital. i was so scared she would die, and i had to hold on to the smell of her sheets and pretend that she was holding me.

And then, the fact that she came back. Like, 'fuck a heart attack; i'm anna.' this is the woman who had 14 kids, three of whom died. she broke both her legs falling down stairs doing laundry. she was excommunicated for getting a divorce, and lost my grandpa to a gunshot after he defended a woman's honor at a bar. she got a letter from hillary clinton a few months after the heart attack asking if she was ok. all true.

a few years ago, she even told my mom she'd be here forever.

i was 21 when she had her second heart attack. Since then, its been an uphill thing for anna. Leg issues, blood clots, walkers, nurses, temporary stays at homes... And suddenly the image of resiliency that i called 'meema' was gone. I realize that one day, she is going to die. And just cuz i realized it, doesnt mean i'm ok with it.

So i thought about her every day and said things like, 'i need to call her'. But i wouldnt. I would get the info from my mom and hope. But i didnt want to hear her voice if it wasnt HER. Cuz that was all i had,
her voice.

So today i saw her. And she was thinner than last year. And she was wearing gloves cuz her hands are always cold now. And she went to the doctors today. But he says she's better. The last two times she visited him
he admitted her, so just her coming back from there was a big step. I'm so glad. All i really need was full submergence into grandma-ness to be ok. To see her, no matter what she looks like, and to hear her voice,
no matter what it sounds like. And, yes, to watch tv with her like we did when i was nine.

My grandma is still here, but one day she wont be. But i'll still love her either way. And i dont have to be ok with the fact that she's gone- when that happens. Its normal. But i'll love her while she's here. And to paraphrase her: i've got all this, and i'm the richest woman in the world.

Nothing But a Burnt Shell

the next few blog entries were written about two weeks ago, when i was in connecticut visiting family. this is the first time i've really been on a computer since then...enjoy.

Its gone, and i'm happy to see it go.

My cousin lives around the corner from where i used to live about fifteen years ago. its pretty close to the edge of town, its as bad as it seems. Its the part of town that gives Bridgeport a bad name. Especially my street. We went for a ride today, so he could run errands. This ride took us past mckinley elementary, the school my mom refused to send my brother to, amen.

"your kids go there?" imagine i said 'there' as if i was about to throw up.

"hell no. My kids go to longfellow (a muuuuuch better school)."

Sigh of relief...As we passed the school we approached other childhood landmarks, i pointed them out."and this is- was- my old babysitter's house, and where i was attacked by the dog, and this is..."

and then i saw it. The burnt remains of my former home.The third story was gone and the first two were just a black frame. All i could say was, "wow". My cousin gave a, "damn" of agreement.

For the lack of words i could say, my mind was racing. This was where i lived when my grandma Lula died. Where i got that self-inflicted scar on my arm that everyone thinks is from drug use. Where i saw the girl, with the baby in her arms, get shot-on my front porch. Did i mention the dog attack? There's so much more that i dare not mention on this blog.

All these things raced through my mind. No happy thoughts to mourn, just experiences i'm glad to see go. i had some of the most traumatic moments of my short life in that house. Six "families" could live in that house- six balls of negative energy confined to such a small space.

I wish i could have been there to see it burn. I would have roasted marshmallows probably. Done a dance. Cried. I could have watched all the bad float into the sky, into the dark, released from me.

lost in translation

I'm like a southern immigrant. I've lived in atlanta for ten years, and culturally, things dont really click for me. I realized it this week especially, when corretta scott king died. I was like, ok, god rest her soul, move on. I didnt know her or anything. But there was tv and radio coverage ALL DAY, at the king center where people came from all over to bring flowers and pay respects. People at my job wanted to go to the funeral. And i really didnt understand it. Still kind of dont.

In my mind all i can think is that its another southern thing that i dont get because northerners would only do something like that- paying respects to a symbol of this ongoing fight- just to say they did it. To yell out, "i was there too!" And i'm totally fighting that urge myself.

But there's more. Alot of things true southerners feel and do and enjoy, i dont get it sometimes. I hated young jeezy. He's starting to grow on me now, slightly. And the jig and the lean and rock? When i first saw them i thought the whole dance floor had lost their minds. The jig still looks like the martin short dance to me.

I said i'd never be a southern person, never claim ga more than ct. But in a way i feel like i'm missing something. Like the fun is going on without me. When lauren laughed at kesi's southern slang- "hellyatambout"- i was just like ok...inside joke.

Whats so great about this place? I dont miss bpt nearly as much as she does atl. i guess i better figure it out before i get left behind.