Talk of death

I was feeling pretty good at work Friday. Considering that I was late and didn't get to talk to HR about my insurance claim that didn't get billed right, feelin pretty good. And then the shoe dropped.

I'm sure by now you've heard about the bus crash. The victims' families and some volunteers were staying at our hotel. It was a mad scramble of "higher-ups" escorting and catering to them, and for once I didn't feel like it was all for show and sucking up.

A guy I knew came by the door to the shop carrying a trolley of items. On his way he stopped. He dropped a shoe- a cleat. My first thought was, "that cleat belongs to a dead kid." but he picked it up, settled it somewhere it wouldn't fall again, and kept going.

That one cleat fucked up my day. Every time I had a moment to think, I thought. 4 guys my age died. Doing something they loved. And I love it too. I remember the last time I played. I was sick from my teeth being pulled and it was the first time I'd felt good in days. I thought about my mom, and how much it'd hurt her to have lost one of us. I thought about my grandma, who lost 3 kids. I imagine myself not being able to survive in that situation. Numb.

In the cafeteria, CNN was on. Talk of course of Anna Nicole and her mom's appeal to keep her daughter in the states so she can "talk to her." I wonder who came up with this? I told Lauren a few weeks ago, and I say it now for posterity, that I do not want to be present for my funeral. I don't anyone to see me dead. I've been to a few funerals, and I was younger, and if given the same option to see my grandma lula's body, I think i would have said no. I have memories of her as a living woman. Her tea, her grits, her leg. Her accent, her crocheting while watching TV. That's how I want to be remembered. Abstract things, not whether or not I looked peaceful.

And as for where I'm buried, I suppose it matters, but not to me. A person can still remember me without having seen my tombstone- I hope. I guess we all need something tangible. But these are my wishes, much like Anna's were to be next to her son.

I hope I don't seem insensitive or morbid. I just don't believe that death is something to avoid. At least not my own. I'd like everyone I love to live forever, because like I said, I don't think I could take it.

Listening to:
Incubus- make yourself
30 seconds to mars- "a beautiful lie"
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Show me

I love that John legend song. It perfectly describes my relationship with God. Sometimes I have so many questions.

I had a funny experience the first week of the year. It was during a conference full of college aged Christians. One of them said to me, "I'm a follower of Jesus and I would like to pray for you. Is that ok?" as a fellow follower of course it was. It really brightened my night-it was already midnight and I had to work til 3am. Another offered to pray for my legs so that I wouldn't be in pain after standing 10 hours 4 nights in a row.

How does it come so naturally? I don't have it like that. I grew up in church and as I said before my mom (and several of my aunts) are ministers. I have no shortage of people to go to. But I don't know. I'm in a position where I feel like I need to feel like God is not a friend-of-a-friend.

I have been feeling it lately. Pressure. Work, home, school... People say, have faith, but I can't help but worry. Kesi wrote me this note years ago that I still keep. Every time I find it, I put it somewhere else so I can find it again, just when I need it. "don't worry babe. He never gives you more than you can handle." I know its true. But I can't help feeling heavy.
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now all i need is a loan cosigner...

so it all started with me crying, as most things do that are of emotional importance... i was tired. just so tired. at the moment i was tired of sitting in the kitchen by myself while the boy ws making music in the back. so i told him to take me home. now. about a half hour later i was heading home, but not until we had a disagreement over when hs said we'd leave. we drove in silence.

he texted me later and i started crying. i tried to explain to him that we never do anything (not really true) and that i was tired of just sitting around. but once i typed those words i realized it was a bigger thing. i was stagnant. i havent been in school in months and i'm behind where i wanted to be in my life. i always said i'd have a plan but let it be flexible, but its tough to just let life lead you. and i was becoming restless. my "friend" said to me over IM, and i could hear the bragging in her voice, "i only been with my guy for a year and we're already engaged." ok, well i been with kesi for almost 5 years (FIVE!!!) and we're not. you think it doesnt kill me that i cant snap my fingers and have a job and a house and a car and a husband and be able to afford all of it and just sit down and be? just be. it does. i have so much i want to do and make of myself and i am standing still. or moving slowly, and i am one that likes to move fast. i have NO patience.

a few days later i get a voicemail from my cousin lysey. "call me back, its important!" ok me and her grew up together. when she told me she was pregnant, i almost said, "i'm gonna be and aunt!" thats how close we are. but we havent talked in months. so i called her back. she was asking me about schools and things and considering moving back to the A. she had decided, like i did last year, that she would follow her dreams but get an education at the same time. so she wants a fresh start. and alot of the things she was saying sounded alot like what i said a few days before. stagnant. time to light a fire under this ass. she's gonna take herself and her son and come down here to do what she loves. because she's not happy and she knows what would make her happy.

sometimes its just a matter of fighting whatever fear and doubt there is. i would rather not go through life knowing that a questiona mark kept me from being what i wanna be. if i fail, ok i tried. but i dont plan on failing. i plan to keep trying. and i know its gonna be tough and that i will more than likely cry again over my lack of patience, but shit, whats a couple of tears now compared to the rest of my life?

playing catch up.

there are lots of thisgs i am working on, so let me give a breeze through of them:

1: i been talking to my favorite cousin lately, online and on the phone. we pretty much grew up together. she really hit the nail on the head for me as far as motivation and things pertaining to life and happiness. will go in depth for sure.

2: i missed my bloggiversary. it was nov 10. i posted that day, but i wanted to post about the things i learned over the past year... it'll still be on the way, but not when i had planned.

3: i was looking on my yahoo photos page to find pics of the things i have made (as mentioned in the Commissioned post. why was there only one? boo!!! so i went home and snapped pics of the things that were crocheted in the house. i even took a picture of a picture... here they are:

kesi in his big ol blankie.













the blanket my mom made for me while she was waiting for me to come out. as she finished right as she was going into labor.















my cape verde flag. its folded in half and, of course, the stars are missing.















my mom's throw that she made for herself.















cracking up right now... blurry photo of my friend holding the baby blankie i made for her...
















more to come soon... i'm working on lauren's blanket. i should be done by christmas.

the doll

let me just say this has been rolling around in my brain for a few hours, so if it comes out a little crazy please forgive.

today i was in the car, listening to ryan cameron, my radio idol. he was talking about she revival of the doll study, where a child is shown a black doll and a white one and asked which was the good one. in the school in harlem, 16 out of 20 black children chose the white doll.

i have a problem with it right there. the conclusion is that the child is responding to the what they see in today's society. however, the angle of the question suggests that the child even has to chose, and will continue to chose in life.

when i took my sociology class last spring, i learned about an interesting aspect of american society. i cant remember what it was called but it had to do with only one being the best or the champ or the winner. i call it the highlander theory. "there can be only one." and to say you must chose is to say if this one is good, everything else must be bad.

i didnt read the study yet but i wonder if they asked the kids why they chose what they did. i dont think i ever had the idea that my race was inferior, but you can never be sure what a child is thinking. my favorite doll may have been of any race. she kind of looked like lauren. it wasnt her race that made me like her, it was her hair. i have always loved red hair, and even today i dye my brown hair burgundy.

i'm in no way trying to negate the truth that our society is racially biased. but we do now have the power to fix that. being from a mixed family and even my neighborhood, my mom has taught me that no one is better than me because they look different. we need to know that and make it a reality.

and are we black people the only race that feels this way? are we the only ones they studied? discuss.

romance vs reality: loose change

finally a day off! now onto change.

change is important. change is good. " i never seen change without a fire." -nelly furtado.

but what is the fascination with changing our mates?

my mom-in-law told me a story about a woman she knows. she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of her apartment, but landed on the grass and survived. when they got her to the hospital they found bruises all over her. she didnt want to tell anyone her boyfriend had been beating her for 9 YEARS.

my theory is that she'd been hoping he'd change. she was too scared to leave so she let him keep doing what he wanted in the hopes that one day he'd tire of it. sometimes its cheating, or lying, or just plain being an idiot. but you keep hoping it'll be ok. eventually... and besides, he loves you!

uh no. that's a fantasy. in reality he's a prick and youre wasting your time. he's not the person you want or need and hoping and wishing that he will be is as fruitful as a rain dance. actually, it'll rain eventually. he'll still be a prick.

then there's the polar opposite. the woman who forces change. you got a nice guy, cute, smart... but something's missing. you know what he offer to be a complete man. and you WILL give it to him. whether he wants it or not. he'll thank you! he loves you!

there was an episode of a british comedy called 'coupling,' in which one of the characters has a new boyfriend. when her friends asked when they could meet him she says, 'when he's finished.' she ended up chasing him away with her nitpicking and attempts to make him 'better.'

deal breakers. what is or isnt. we have to know the difference. change is important, but so is letting things go and be what they are. we all have an image of what love should be but we cant force that into the real world. when we get that, we get the love we deserve.

romance vs reality part one: the mary syndrome

dear woman, is this you?
-confident
-cute girl next door who can clean up nice.
-friendly despite what the haters say.
-so unpretentious you've been accused of being a lesbian.
-the one with more male friends than female.

thats just a few- the list goes on but i will not. you have it: the mary syndrome.

we've all seen "there's something about mary," right? they all loved her. she was the object of many men's affections because she was so different from every other girl. all she was was herself. i call it a syndrome not because its a bad thing, but because youre born with it. i have it. lauren does too. that's why bitches be hatin.

this brings me to my heading.

romance. shockingly this refers to the males. its a fantasy. you give them a compliment. put your head on their shoulder. smile and joke. next thing you know theyre in love with you. and you are stuck with the scooby face. you know the one. the one that makes you go, rorgh?

reality. you thought they smelled good that day. you were actually playing cute for the other guy by putting your head on his shoulder. it was a funny joke!

ok, yeah sometimes you flirt. but quite never the syndrome makes your flirt indistinguishable from general niceties. and youre already a pretty girl, and since they've already pictured you naked, your flirting or not flirting turns them into a man milkshake. and not a good one, but one that is melted and sticky.

you manage to make many male friends. they all admit that at one point they had a crush on you. either that or you and he have dated, kissed or had a quick fling that didnt work out as planned. this is the origin of your guy friends: guys who at one point or another wanted you. or are gay. you spend your time trying to find them a girlfriend who will almost surely be jealous of you and him and this friendship you share. if she gets over it, she's marriage material.

ever notice they never try to hook you up with guys? that would ruin the dream. that one day you'll realize you want him and he'll have just what he wants: a best friend he can have sex with and instead of cuddling with after, play San Andreas with.

kesi and i were friends. he even liked one of my friends before me and i encouraged her to try and date him. i implied before that he was just waiting for me to become single but i dont really completely believe that. the good thing about this syndrome is that you are confident enough to make the first move. it has its successes, because you have the fortune of getting to know someone before you make a commitment. this ensures an honest foundation and less arguements.

embrace this phenomenon. you have an allure. it is a gift.

stay tuned for part 2- on the theory of change and why we feel so strongly about it.

putting my 2cent in.

its 4 am and i cant sleep. i been thinking and i need to get this out.

i am fortunate enough to have 4 best friends. kesi, of course, lauren, a man who i call X on this blog (See post 2 way back when), and my newest, b, my club buddy. this deals with la and X.

no matter that people's intentions are toward me, when they cross my friends, we cant hang. la and X and i have a very close bond. a network of sorts where we know whats happening in each other's lives and where if it affects one, it affects us all.

this week one got affected. the affectee disrespected X so that it even hurt my feelings. and la's, and she got deep. you read it. and then the affectee disrespected la while attempting to and stated that she had 'nothing but love' for me. but that cant be true. affectee hates 40% of my circle.

i dont have to defend them. they do a good job on their own. but anyone who has a best friend knows they hold grudges long after you've let go. protective instinct. so i'm holding. and its unfortunate. bros before hos.

ps: if you have class you never have to tell anyone about it. to mention it 'negates the breezy.' lauren knows what that means. thats why she's the only chick in my circle.

love and marriage...

unlike my blog homie jameil, i so wanna get married. i think the boy and i started talking about it 6 months in. please note we had been friends for 3 or so years by then. i even remember one day seeing his uncle at burger king and being introed as his fiance, just to see how uncle would react. that day i told him he was not allowed to propose in the fast food joint.

so what's keeping us? money. we are two broke college students with full time jobs and hella bills. we would not be able to afford the momentous event that would be the wedding i have planned in my head. i always say the only thing that would let me get married now is the lottery. and i dont play.

we've had a few friends get married since high school. all of them are divorced. i think we could've suffered the same fate if we were in a hurry. but having a "boyfriend" for the past four years is great and allows us to still grow separately and together. but now i'm confident in saying the only thing keeping me from marrying him is circumstance.

my friend brandi is getting married in a few months. i think she's prepared. i'm excited for her. i've also known her for 7 years- she introduced me to kesi- and seen her go from who she was then to who she is now, and the way she talks about her guy, its more than a whim, or a duty, or anything thats not complete. i'm looking for a cute green dress to wear to the ceremony so i wont clash.

i'm glad that my parents didnt get married. they dont belong together that way. they are great as friends and can talk and joke, but as a couple, my ma is way more mature than my dad. he left to get some tools and we havent seen him since yesterday. he'd do that when they were together too, and of course, arguements insued. (side note: i do the same thing, but seeing how it bugs her, i try to call and say i'm not coming home.) but now she doesnt care other than getting her sink fixed. plus my dad still tells people he's 17. which is believable, despite having a 22 year old daughter.

love and marriage. sigh. i dont think it should be an institution cuz its not for everyone. but someday it'll be for me.

you have that ethnic look.

have you ever heard that? i have. my friend kyle said that to me when i told him about my heritage. i'm cape verdean.

for those that dont know, cape verde is a group of islands off the coast of west africa. my grandma's parents were immigrants. i'm 1/4 from there, 1/2 south carolina creole and 1/4 whatever my people from rome, ga are.

but back to my story. people tend to get this, "oh, that explains it" sense of clarity when i tell them of my family history. apparently i dont look like the average black girl. africans ask me how long i've been in america. when i start speaking spanish it really throws them off.

honestly i dont know what i am racially. the islands were a major port for the slave and spice trades, as well as refuge for people run out of their home countries. think of a country. make it real obscure. yep, they were there.

so ethnic is right i guess. generally ethnic. i have my theories as to my heritage: my grandma said her grandma was a jew, so we could be spanish- they fled during the inquisition. i think i look ethiopian, but i'm the only one who does in my family.

i philosophise that since i am so racially mixed i should be accepting to all other races and cultures. i may very well be insulting myself and my people. i think that african americans- the ones born here- should be mindful of that theory because we really dont know where we came from originally. not to sound all "world peace" or anything, but it could make us better people.

did i mention my boyfriend is french? our kids will be so hot.

very quiet lives.

i used to think men and women could be friends. now, i dont know.

kesi was my friend. turns out he had a longstanding crush on me. was it just friendship or waiting?

i think the male friend is a rare case. we enlightened women think we are really on to something when we choose to have more male friends than the ones who 'keep up too much drama.' i dont know if we've got the right idea.

men keep up just as much shit. especially if you have a boyfriend already. you talk to them on the phone, hang out, laugh and joke, and if you dont have a secure boyfriend it can get really uncomfortable. is that his plan? does he want you to defend your friendship until the day you and your man inevitably break up and he's left to comfort you right into his bed? think ross, rachel and mark.

and what do we want? a person with no tricks up their sleeves. who wont steal our man. or stretch out that dress you let them borrow. who you can watch a game with and not have to explain what fielder's choice is. there seem to be plenty of women who agree with me, so lets us hang out and forget dudes.

as i said there are rare exceptions who maybe dont wanna do you- as much. a gay guy is always good. also one of your boyfriend's friends or a cousin... or a brother! or how about a friend's brother? a drag queen? what fun to have options.

i have two main male friends. one is a co worker who dates another coworker. his girlfriend is ALWAYS THERE. and looking at her, i'm clearly not his type. the other is more interested in a friend of mine and clearly i'm not his type either. i stick with them cuz they are slightly less interested in my ass than the average man.

i like having guy friends. but i have to remember what one of them said about their own gender: "we lead quiet lives of desperation."

Amen. i mean, a-woman.

Shani-o asked if we believed the da vinci code was real. I, for one, havent seen the movie or read the book because i felt it was too hyped and with hype comes my deep disappointment, and the phrase, 'it wasnt all that.' but no matter how i deny mr. brown, i still see the personification of God the Son everywhere. And its crap.

In film class, a girl chose the passion as her 'classic movie'. (i chose eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) a muslim girl said that it wasnt right that one of the prophets be seen and played as a character. I disagreed then, but now i feel like she's right.

One day in sunday school, i asked what God looked like. I was told he looks like everyone; We are all made in his image. I still believe this to be true and really dont care what Jesus looked like. Though if you believe the bible, he sure didnt look like an italian.

Lets go back to the begining. To answer shani's question, of course not. To me the whole thing is based on whether you believe that da vinci's paintings of Jesus were accurate. And if i cant believe that he was well versed enough in the bible to know that jesus had curly hair, then i doubt he was well versed enough to come to the conclusion that jesus had a lady friend at the time of his death. This is not to say it isnt possible- there is a whole heapa years of his life missing from the bible, so maybe he did get married- i'm just saying that leo cant get me to that point until he explains to me why he made jesus, a carpenter's son, so skinny in all his paintings. So dan falls short there.

Good premise, but it kind of reiterates the heavy visual symbolism of catholicism.

Cant we get past God as a person and get to him as a part of us? Its part of why people see such negativity in being a christian. Maybe i should start a church.

Nothing But a Burnt Shell

the next few blog entries were written about two weeks ago, when i was in connecticut visiting family. this is the first time i've really been on a computer since then...enjoy.

Its gone, and i'm happy to see it go.

My cousin lives around the corner from where i used to live about fifteen years ago. its pretty close to the edge of town, its as bad as it seems. Its the part of town that gives Bridgeport a bad name. Especially my street. We went for a ride today, so he could run errands. This ride took us past mckinley elementary, the school my mom refused to send my brother to, amen.

"your kids go there?" imagine i said 'there' as if i was about to throw up.

"hell no. My kids go to longfellow (a muuuuuch better school)."

Sigh of relief...As we passed the school we approached other childhood landmarks, i pointed them out."and this is- was- my old babysitter's house, and where i was attacked by the dog, and this is..."

and then i saw it. The burnt remains of my former home.The third story was gone and the first two were just a black frame. All i could say was, "wow". My cousin gave a, "damn" of agreement.

For the lack of words i could say, my mind was racing. This was where i lived when my grandma Lula died. Where i got that self-inflicted scar on my arm that everyone thinks is from drug use. Where i saw the girl, with the baby in her arms, get shot-on my front porch. Did i mention the dog attack? There's so much more that i dare not mention on this blog.

All these things raced through my mind. No happy thoughts to mourn, just experiences i'm glad to see go. i had some of the most traumatic moments of my short life in that house. Six "families" could live in that house- six balls of negative energy confined to such a small space.

I wish i could have been there to see it burn. I would have roasted marshmallows probably. Done a dance. Cried. I could have watched all the bad float into the sky, into the dark, released from me.

how could i be so imature?

how could i be so imature
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"

this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:

couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.

couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.

so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.

kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.

it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?

one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.

i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.

so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.