got to be there.

ive been off today. i slept most of it, having stayed up til 6am pressing kesi's hair (yeah i said it. and why is that joint touching his shoulders?) and watching the bruce lee story with him.

after i got my ID this morning i came back home and napped. i woke to the news that michael jackson was in the hospital. then, that he was dead. i followed the whole drama on twitter and facebook and spent the rest off the night watching mtv and youtubing my favorite mike videos. my mother also accidentally googled some inappropriate pix of one of mike's costars (i wont say her name cuz its inconsequential and her life took some sad turns.) heres some of the highlights of the day.

*i had a michael jackson doll handed down to me from my aunt stacey. loved that thing! he even had glitter socks. it was thriller mike and he came with the red jacket. i think it was handed back to stacey's daughter.

* i told la i wanted an "all i wanna say is that they dont really care about us" tattoo. she vetoed the idea.

*i must learn to rollerskate moonwalk, a la "bad." i should put them on now and practice.

*al sharpton said "when michael and i were teens..." what? you and michael were never teens together. womp.

*there is video of me and my 3rd or 4th grade class singing "heal the world." i just found out about it and im very excited. cant wait to see it!

* does anyone remember my long ride to chili's post? we listened to michael the whole ride.

*when i was 11 i would do the scooby doo dance to "dont stop til you get enough" with cousin/former blogger miss lady.

*I used to think man in the mirror was a song about a man who lives in a mirror and gave advice. or he was bad and thats why they put him in the mirror.

*and lastly, a video.

back in the A!

i have unceremoniously returned from Cross/ Eutawville/ Casey south carolina. my grandfather's funeral was quite an event. i'll be sure to tell you about it and the days surrounding, i just dont feel like doing it now. i just wanted to leave you with some pix...

remember that gigantic field i saw when i was 7? its still gigantic.

my dad, brother, and me. please understand that this pic is rought (or is it raught?) with thoughts and emotions, and that i hate that hes holding me by the stomach as if im pregnant, especially since i looked really thin that day. and my brother looks mighty retarded. and my dad has the country ash. but there will be more on all this tomorrow... or later today rather

update

i didnt realize i hadnt posted in a week almost. sorry...

im headed to south carolina tomorrow morning. woo? i get to see alot of my family, but of course it is my grandfather's funeral. and its in a town of 6000. theres more people in my hotel on a 100% occupancy day! ive been stealing wireless from my neighbors. i dont even know if i'll be connected to the world, lol.

i know that sounds random and irrelevant, but theyre the things that go through my head. sigh. i really didnt know my grandfather, what with moving to atlanta 14 years ago. its sad but its strange too. im really going to be there for my father. i know. i havent talked to him in literally years, but thats not important. i imagined how alone he'd feel if he saw that his children werent there. i'd hate to hurt him like that. regardless of his warantless abandonment of us.

anyways, this is my grandfather. breezy said i looked like him. "that nose!!" lol. i agree.

Ena.

Sunday: kesi sent me a text saying she died. I didn't believe it. Partly because it was April fools day and partly because I didn't want to believe it. She was Nicole's best friend. But Nicole and the rest would never think to play such a cruel joke...

Monday: Jeremy calls to ask if we need a ride to the funeral. Its Friday morning. Shit. She really is gone. A car accident. Do I have a black dress? She was such a nice girl. We had anatomy together. She was smart too. Sat next to victor, who sat next to Brandon, who sat next to me. She was always drawing. And I remember her with Nicole, especially when she was pregnant. I took a picture of them too. I think I called her Nicole's baby mama. Lol...

Tues: after the movie kesi and I go to walmart. Besides groceries we need black shirts. I pick up a black sweater, even though its pretty warm out. Its the most appropriate thing I can find. Kesi gets a buttondown. This is the most depressing shopping I've ever had to do. Every time I think of her my body gets loose. I'm so sad about it. She was my age. In the car I ask kesi how he knew her. They went to middle school together and we're in band. She played the baritone. I can see that. This was a girl he grew up with.

Wednesday: I'm at home all day. I show my mom pics of her on Nicole's myspace page. And we look for her obit on AJC.com. I text a few people to make sure they know and come through. God, this is so much.

Thursday: I go to work and look through the paper for her. There she is, and all her nicknames. And among other things, talk of wanya, her godson. He was barely 1 last time I saw him. Such a big head. Cute. My manager is sympathetic. No one I've known in my adult life has died. And when I start talking about how I knew her, the little interaction we had, I can't take it. There are some people you can find fault in. Not her.

Friday: I get up early to get ready. Kesi's mom asks so many questions and tells me I look nice. I have to wear stockings. Jeremy picks us up and we're an hour early. Kesi goes to look at her. I can't take it. I don't want that to be the last way I see her. I sit in the back as he walks up. "she doesn't look the same man." more people come. Christina, jocelyn. People I haven't seen since school ended; people I should have kept up with. The church is packed. Filled with people. I see Nicole walk in with the family and I see her crack a little, which makes me lose it. Damn.

The service was so her. Her art was on the program, along with one of the poems she wrote. Two of her songs played during a slideshow of her life. Her brother and sisters spoke, along with her best friends. Kesi cried. I've never seen him cry. Everyone cried. We laughed at memories and were amazed at her talent. The preacher told us this was just the beginning for her, and life isn't measured in years but in quality. She was quality.

If there was one thing she'd be happy about its how it was such an impromptu reunion. After, we exchanged numbers and I decided to have a potluck one night soon. There was no reason for us to drift apart, and the reason for us coming back together was way too big. It shouldn't have taken a funeral. We're to young to be catching up this way. We need to be making memories every day. How is it that my friend managed to get married and have another baby? I don't want to regret not knowing a person better when its too late to.

I called Lauren after. Her birthday was yesterday. I needed to hear her voice. I thought about her a lot. What if I lost her? I don't want our time to be wasted. I asked her when she was coming back. Soon? I hope. I'm gonna call my grandma tomorrow. I can't wait to see her either.

Rest in peace Aina (ena).
You were a true light.
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Talk of death

I was feeling pretty good at work Friday. Considering that I was late and didn't get to talk to HR about my insurance claim that didn't get billed right, feelin pretty good. And then the shoe dropped.

I'm sure by now you've heard about the bus crash. The victims' families and some volunteers were staying at our hotel. It was a mad scramble of "higher-ups" escorting and catering to them, and for once I didn't feel like it was all for show and sucking up.

A guy I knew came by the door to the shop carrying a trolley of items. On his way he stopped. He dropped a shoe- a cleat. My first thought was, "that cleat belongs to a dead kid." but he picked it up, settled it somewhere it wouldn't fall again, and kept going.

That one cleat fucked up my day. Every time I had a moment to think, I thought. 4 guys my age died. Doing something they loved. And I love it too. I remember the last time I played. I was sick from my teeth being pulled and it was the first time I'd felt good in days. I thought about my mom, and how much it'd hurt her to have lost one of us. I thought about my grandma, who lost 3 kids. I imagine myself not being able to survive in that situation. Numb.

In the cafeteria, CNN was on. Talk of course of Anna Nicole and her mom's appeal to keep her daughter in the states so she can "talk to her." I wonder who came up with this? I told Lauren a few weeks ago, and I say it now for posterity, that I do not want to be present for my funeral. I don't anyone to see me dead. I've been to a few funerals, and I was younger, and if given the same option to see my grandma lula's body, I think i would have said no. I have memories of her as a living woman. Her tea, her grits, her leg. Her accent, her crocheting while watching TV. That's how I want to be remembered. Abstract things, not whether or not I looked peaceful.

And as for where I'm buried, I suppose it matters, but not to me. A person can still remember me without having seen my tombstone- I hope. I guess we all need something tangible. But these are my wishes, much like Anna's were to be next to her son.

I hope I don't seem insensitive or morbid. I just don't believe that death is something to avoid. At least not my own. I'd like everyone I love to live forever, because like I said, I don't think I could take it.

Listening to:
Incubus- make yourself
30 seconds to mars- "a beautiful lie"
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look ah that!

i'm back after a long weekend...

if there's one thing i am, its an animal lover. and a lover of fellow animal lovers. so last night at about 3am i was riding home and i read that steve irwin died. the croc hunter. just about the most famous animal guy in the world. the car went sad and quiet while i read aloud what little information was given at the time. he was stabbed by a stingray. died trying to teach us about the animals he loved. you could see it in his eyes, he was passionate about what he did.

the boyfriend and i would watch his show and get all giggly every time he'd say, 'look ah that! what a beaut!' it got to be one of our sayings.

he was 44! my mom is that age. and he's got kids. at least they're old enough to remember him and that he was a good man.


more on my weekend and the biggest sci-fi convention in the US coming soon.