Taking Over

"I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
and dream I do..."
-evanescence, "taking over me"

Dreams are powerful things. They say all those things you don't say when you're awake. My friend texted me the other day about a weird one she had:

"He and I were locked in a house together and couldn't leave. But we couldn't talk to each other. We had to write on the walls and everything we said ended up being a long elaborate poem. Once we were finished, all the doors and windows opened."

Deep. These two, he and she (the ones who I mentioned while Kesi was shampooing my hair, who used to be friends until his girl got in the way) are drawn apart by beauracracy. His girlfriend doesn't like her. And I'm still friends with both parties. So I get a lot of that. And a lot of this:

"How is she? I thought of something the other night and I knew she'd laugh at it."

Yeah, she would. But other people were allowed to interfere with your situation. That, and fear... And now any conversation you two would have would be clouded with tension, and any laughter would be strained and forced. Nothing is natural between you two. The distance is not natural.

"does she do this? Does she ask about me too? I hate the way things turned out, Joy. It kills me."

Yes she asks about you. You know she does. You two are fucking soulmates. And circumstances have really gotten in the way. Maybe this would be easier if this was onesided, but she thinks, and you think. I have stopped wishing you two were together. I don't think its an option anymore. Now I just wish you two could talk.

"Have you forgotten all i know and all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand
I knew you loved me then..."

And so I have become this metaphorical wall she spoke of. They tell me, and I tell them. They can't speak to each other, and right now I think that's best. But I feel like she's missing out and he's cheating himself. Some people are not meant to enter and exit your life so easily. So what do you do? If you fight, your entire life turns upside down. If you let it be, you're plagued with questions. I think they have to wait until those questions are so big that there is no other alternative. And until then I'll continue to listen. I'll be the connection, just so they can share something.

"I told my girl about the dream I had... Nothing sexual, always talking. I don't think she believed that, but..."

This girl, this... Problem, if you will, she will never believe it. She will always know the truth about what goes on in your mind, whether you admit to it or not. My question is, why does she stay? Why do you stay? Are you in too deep? There is no duty in love. You do a real good job of looking happy.

"I look in the mirror and see your face, if I look deep enough..."

We all managed to meet up recently: it was so awkward, random small talk to avoid the real issue. You ever just want to scream at people? But walls don't talk. They just stand strong and display what you put on them. And so I stood there. Actually, I walked away, hoping something deep would happen while I was gone. It didn't.

The worst part of lost love is lost friendship.
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Excuse me.

It is 92 degrees out. At midnight. So you know I'm dying in the day time. I'm not gonna go into how I left my bus pass at home and didn't realize it til I got to the bus stop and had to walk all the way back home! And I live a mile from the stop. In 95 degree weather. And I already didn't want to get up. Whatever we do this weekend I am getting in some water. I'll jump in a puddle for relief.

My friend DD took me to the service last Friday. She brought along her daughter Nya. We all know this lil child is a brat. I'm about to call nanny 911. She actually told me, "you aint my mama," in front of her mother. To which I responded, "that don't mean shit, and you better sit back in your seat like I said!" I feel I'm too young to be treating other people's children like my mom does. But that lil girl gets my pressure up. Why did she finish eating before all of us at the reception? Is that what you call the lil dinner after the funeral? DD said she was gonna be fat by age 5. I do remember when DD used to work with me, Nya would grab stuff like my job was her personal fridge. Lol we'll have her on maury, with her menu scrolling across the screen. But she can be turned around. I don't wanna have to whoop her ass. Lord knows I don't.

Lol and a side note, some turn of conversation caused Nya to grab my breast. Her mom replies, "she loves titties! (I hate that word)" to which I replied, "I wonder why!" and we are reminded why I call her DD. Yeah she had that surgery but they're still kinda big. Kesi called Nya a mini lesbian. He felt bad about it though, as she is three years old. Lol

My manager quit. We're really gonna miss her. I mean, the room was in tears. She explained that her father is ill and her son is at an age where he's more impressionable and needs her influence, plus I'm sure she can afford this. She's a work a holic, and has worked for the hotel for 22 years. Looking back, we should have known: she was taking a lot of time off and delegating a lot. Still, we'll miss her and on top of that, we have no idea who our new manager is gonna be. Whoever it is, we will hate them, guaranteed.

I'm done with my first set of mittens. It was easier than I thought. Yay! Who wants mittens? Ima start hustling them on the train! Lol mittens, batteries, DVD's CD's! Got it for the low, what you need? Lol the girl I'm working on is a delta. I hope the organization doesn't shut me down. I know you gotta be an authorized dealer or some ish. I don't even have my business license yet.

My two preggy peeps are having boys. Squeak! Loves it! Gotta get cracking on the blankies.

Kesi's license got suspended. We have no idea why. I don't know about him but I'm pissed! He's the best driver I know? He will stop at a stop sign at 3am just because he doesn't want to not do it if he passes by in the day time, or maybe perchance there's a cop mesent at that time of night? Ugh. The whole thing is foolish.
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Nick at night.

...makes the world seem right...

I been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. Especially last night when I couldn't sleep. I watched fresh prince until 5am then forced myself to turn off the TV.

When I was little I'd watch Nick at Night every night. I was one of those kids who didn't have to be asleep at 8 (I felt so bad for my friend in second grade when he told me he hadn't watched "home improvement" cuz he was long asleep on Wednesday nights. My mom had just increased my "bedtime" to 930 so I could watch JTT. Drool.) and so I would watch black and white TV shows until I was sleepy. I know the ins and outs of "I love Lucy," "dick van dyke" (which took place in new haven, CT), and "lassie." in the summertime I would stay up all night and watch the "Very Very" marathons and pay close attention to the production tricks and bloopers featured at the end of the shows. Its fair to say I was a night owl before I knew what that was.

I remember on Tuesdays my friend krystin and I would talk about "bewitched" like it was a brand new show. "did you see what samantha did last night?" and don't get us started on Barbra Eden and her belly button. We would play Jeanie! I mean, crossed arms, blinking, the whole nine. By this time they had moved on to the sixties and I was watching Mary Tyler Moore in color.

My mother has always said I was born in the wrong decade. I think TV-wise I'm older than her.

So last night I'm watching will smith do a blooper show, and (I know ya'll remember this) he's crying on the kitchen floor and starts breaking into the running man and the cabbage patch and screams "damn, damn, damn James... That was from 'good times,'" and I laughed out loud, by myself, at 5 am. I kind of felt like I was a kid again. I hardly laugh at sitcoms these days. The only one I watch is "my name is Earl." what the hell happened to TV? Its on but I spend the majority of the day watching music videos and cartoons. Everyone's concerned with gimmicks and trying to win the most people, but if it was true to itself, people would watch. And if they didn't its their loss.

So yeah this was basically just a lil background on Joy. Explanations as to why I do like I do, lol. These things really have manifested themselves in my life, and I think that the fond love I have for that era shows when I get the chance to dress up, and in my ideals. In a way I feel like- fully knowing that life was different than it was on TV- if we were to recall some of the ideals from that time and kept some of our knowledge from now, we'd be a better group of people. And I'd love to have a horse that talks. Who do I need to write a letter to about that?
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You guys, this funeral kicked my ass today. I was trying to be all poignant and well thought out, but its impossible. When you feel it, you feel it.

When my friend got up to speak I lost it. Above all, I was there to show that I cared. I'd only met her twice, but those moments are so vivid in my mind and I could see how much she meant to her grandkids. She only had 3, and I guess when that happens you get more of an opportunity to be around them. I lived with my grandma too, so I know what its like.

She spoke about her grandmother's last moments. How she told her she was gonna leave and that she loved her and everyone. My friend said she was in pain but that was so important for her to let everyone know. My friend said she was the embodiment of a woman. She said her daughter would always know who to look up to.

She seemed a lot more together than she was earlier this week. Turns out her grandma had fluid in her lungs that caught up un her heart. My friend tried to take her for help but she died just as they got there.

Our trip was perfect timing, but it doesn't look like we'll be going. They took grievance leave and won't be able to take a weekend off without negotiating with the other employees to get off. But its ok. We can go some other time and have fun. I told them I'd still cook them dinner though. I literally owe them that.

She seemed ok. But deep down I know that she's been through something that will stay with her forever. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Breezy said he has been with her since that day and she is waking up every night. Jasmine is too young to understand but I know she knows something's missing. These thoughts break my heart. She was so young! We figured there'd still be time to be together. But things change. They don't happen they way you plan.
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new new ish

i made it to the qwik e mart! yay! this did take alot, and im not sure the image i uploaded had anything to do with the pic. but its all good.

aint i cute? this is the shirt/ scarf combo. strangely, the light washed out the pink in the scarf and the mint in the shirt. and as you can see, its not polka dots, though im sure i could. also, found the timer on my camera and i took this pic myself.

here's the scarf on the bed. the concept was overlapping squares of different sizes. its all abstract! i figure if im doing something for me i can get a lil daring.

a pillow i made for a coworker. remember that hater who was agrivating me at work, talking about my technique? well the woman who i made this for asked her first, and she said what she got was not what she asked for. she really liked mine and of course wants me to do more. karma baby.

at long last, the puerto rican flag is finito. its not all in frame, thats how big it is. and heavy!!! mr PR's dad wants one now, but mr PR is being funny cuz of course he wants to be the only one. we'll see.

and check out my myspace pg for pix of me.

Trying to get over...

This unsettled feeling I have. I'm such an empathetic person, and when my bff's feel pain I want to take it away. Since I can't do it I climb in that hole with them. Damn it.

This post was supposed to help me change the subject but to go from this subject to the subject I wanted to move on to would seem so heartless. Even if only to me.

Breezy called the job today and I picked up. It was odd because last time I checked he was at work. He was crying. Shit. "my grandma just died." I sent him a text telling him I got his back on whatever and he sent me back a thanks. I'd never heard him talk about his grandmother and figured he was crying cuz his mom was there. I could hear other women in the background.

Later, I went to get a card for him, and our supervisor said I was mistaken and it was breezy's girlfriend's grandma who died. Double shit. I knew her. We danced at the Christmas party. Taps was the one who found her colapsed on the floor and called Breezy, frantic and screaming. In my mind I know, but hope that it isn't true, that taps's daughter was there too when it happened.

All of this just makes for a situation I wouldn't wish on anyone. This was the nicest, realest woman. You know, one that everyone calls Mama or Grandma, and she's not afraid to treat you like she raised you herself. And she did raise Taps.

I wish I could be there, and she knows I'll do anything to help her, but when people die you never really know what to do. You don't know whether to get them to talk or sit there in silence. To hug or let them sit. I don't know if I should call... I want to pay my respects... Geez.

She just told me her grandma's birthday was in 2 weeks. God, we were just talking about her not 8 hours ago! Who knew? And where would we be if things were just a little different? I have the fear every day that my grandma's not going to be here much longer, but her grandma wasn't as old or sick as mine. She still worked, she was always out and about... It was totally unexpected.

I could keep going on. Really I could. So many thoughts are going through my head. Ugh.
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Guess its my turn.

Sigh. Not liking today. Wasn't my day. I only have 7 songs on my berry and I can't really put new ones on because they have to be reformatted. Blahh.

I was late for work. And hungry. And then I got into some kind of funky disagreement with someone I care a lot about, about someone I care a lot about, and the day sucked more.

Its cold outside. My computer is very slow. My throat hurts and I need a hug. Its going around, I tell ya. I'm the 5th or so person to write a blog about how crappy I feel. No silver lining on this one. Just blah.

i'm too old

i'm too fucking old to be worrying about what's not fair. i'm gonna be 23 in a month or so. i got bills. i live with my mom yeah, but we have mutually agreed that i'm a grown woman to be respected as i respect her. i'm trying to get my side hustle going, and get my car fixed and sold. can i do me? can you see that i'm not a child?

so here i am concerned about what's not fair. that people might have a opinion of me that's not at all based on reality. so to avoid what you might have the possibility of thinking i've got to sacrifice. scratch that, we've got to sacrifice. time. that's all i want. but now its a fucking big thing. and its not fair.

and god forbid i or anyone disagree. cuz you can never be wrong. it must be us, and we'll never hear the end of it. i cant just let this sit. but i know i cant talk to you, and that's what bugs me. i'm not the type to hold my thoughts in. but would you even listen? not fair!

damn it. i'm done.

now all i need is a loan cosigner...

so it all started with me crying, as most things do that are of emotional importance... i was tired. just so tired. at the moment i was tired of sitting in the kitchen by myself while the boy ws making music in the back. so i told him to take me home. now. about a half hour later i was heading home, but not until we had a disagreement over when hs said we'd leave. we drove in silence.

he texted me later and i started crying. i tried to explain to him that we never do anything (not really true) and that i was tired of just sitting around. but once i typed those words i realized it was a bigger thing. i was stagnant. i havent been in school in months and i'm behind where i wanted to be in my life. i always said i'd have a plan but let it be flexible, but its tough to just let life lead you. and i was becoming restless. my "friend" said to me over IM, and i could hear the bragging in her voice, "i only been with my guy for a year and we're already engaged." ok, well i been with kesi for almost 5 years (FIVE!!!) and we're not. you think it doesnt kill me that i cant snap my fingers and have a job and a house and a car and a husband and be able to afford all of it and just sit down and be? just be. it does. i have so much i want to do and make of myself and i am standing still. or moving slowly, and i am one that likes to move fast. i have NO patience.

a few days later i get a voicemail from my cousin lysey. "call me back, its important!" ok me and her grew up together. when she told me she was pregnant, i almost said, "i'm gonna be and aunt!" thats how close we are. but we havent talked in months. so i called her back. she was asking me about schools and things and considering moving back to the A. she had decided, like i did last year, that she would follow her dreams but get an education at the same time. so she wants a fresh start. and alot of the things she was saying sounded alot like what i said a few days before. stagnant. time to light a fire under this ass. she's gonna take herself and her son and come down here to do what she loves. because she's not happy and she knows what would make her happy.

sometimes its just a matter of fighting whatever fear and doubt there is. i would rather not go through life knowing that a questiona mark kept me from being what i wanna be. if i fail, ok i tried. but i dont plan on failing. i plan to keep trying. and i know its gonna be tough and that i will more than likely cry again over my lack of patience, but shit, whats a couple of tears now compared to the rest of my life?

the doll

let me just say this has been rolling around in my brain for a few hours, so if it comes out a little crazy please forgive.

today i was in the car, listening to ryan cameron, my radio idol. he was talking about she revival of the doll study, where a child is shown a black doll and a white one and asked which was the good one. in the school in harlem, 16 out of 20 black children chose the white doll.

i have a problem with it right there. the conclusion is that the child is responding to the what they see in today's society. however, the angle of the question suggests that the child even has to chose, and will continue to chose in life.

when i took my sociology class last spring, i learned about an interesting aspect of american society. i cant remember what it was called but it had to do with only one being the best or the champ or the winner. i call it the highlander theory. "there can be only one." and to say you must chose is to say if this one is good, everything else must be bad.

i didnt read the study yet but i wonder if they asked the kids why they chose what they did. i dont think i ever had the idea that my race was inferior, but you can never be sure what a child is thinking. my favorite doll may have been of any race. she kind of looked like lauren. it wasnt her race that made me like her, it was her hair. i have always loved red hair, and even today i dye my brown hair burgundy.

i'm in no way trying to negate the truth that our society is racially biased. but we do now have the power to fix that. being from a mixed family and even my neighborhood, my mom has taught me that no one is better than me because they look different. we need to know that and make it a reality.

and are we black people the only race that feels this way? are we the only ones they studied? discuss.

hello, pot? this is monica. youre black.

friends, in case you were wondering. one of the funniest lines.

so anyway, i'm at work right now, bloging, cuz in life, bitches be hating. and they always gotta hate over a man. ugh!

it all started with a kind gesture. lets set the scene.

nice chick: i was gonna bring these forms to you. i'm just so kind!
me: thanks. and shallow...(we laugh)... if i
can admit it about myself i can say it about you.
hater: can you admit that youre nosy?

see, right here i could have been like damn who was talking to you. instead, i answered her in my continued lighthearted manner. yes i am nosy, but mostly cuz i'm absent minded and when i tune back in i'm usually lost on the whole conversation whoever was having. they used to call me "Huh" in middle school.

i refused to give in to her passive aggressive silliness. it was highly hypocritical of her to ask me that, when earlier today she was all in mine about why am i going on break so early, and dont i eat at home, and what does anemia have to do with this whole thing... bear in mind i had been at work for 4 hours.

and now the bitches be hating theme song:

"so tell me what you on,
tell me what the hell you want,
need to worry bout your own,
i'm about to put you on blast...
i dont think you really want it..."
danity kane is doin the thang people.

i really think this stems back to her and my friend b. he used to date her, and was the one who said he was torn between kissing her and kicking her. i think she's jealous that we're close and she fucked up her chances with a good man. but i never told him to break up with her. it was obvious he should. but it was hard cuz he really loves her daughter.

now i think she thinks i'm running back to him telling her things. but the truth is, he doesnt care. and she thinks she's being sneaky, talking to like 4 dudes in the hotel, but everyone knows and no one gives a damn. between her and her best friend they are all high school, making their smart comments and spending their time thinking about me and feeling threatened over the fact that i'm cool with their man and former man. and her best friend is not doing a good job of disguising the fact that she's dating someone in our department. boo bitch... i dont want him.

so how long can i let this carry on, her little coy innocent yet snarky thing she's doing? its all just to see me get mad and snap on her so it looks like i'm ms crazy... but i'm a natural born talker, and i know how to have her whole shit laid out for everyone to see. i wouldnt dare incriminate myself so she looks good. i'm to smart for that. and for all she thinks she's got on me, i definitely got something for her.

"breeze... blowing in the wind... baby please believe i'm alright,
cuz its 70 degrees and sunny over here,
you can stay up out my ear."

ps: visit www.laurenashleigh.blogspot.com for other hating bitches.

-I'm a cheerleader! -Thats because you look cute in the skirt.

(originally written a few days ago. i'm still swolen and still cant get a doctor.)


This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.

But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.

Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.

So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.

So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.

lost in translation

I'm like a southern immigrant. I've lived in atlanta for ten years, and culturally, things dont really click for me. I realized it this week especially, when corretta scott king died. I was like, ok, god rest her soul, move on. I didnt know her or anything. But there was tv and radio coverage ALL DAY, at the king center where people came from all over to bring flowers and pay respects. People at my job wanted to go to the funeral. And i really didnt understand it. Still kind of dont.

In my mind all i can think is that its another southern thing that i dont get because northerners would only do something like that- paying respects to a symbol of this ongoing fight- just to say they did it. To yell out, "i was there too!" And i'm totally fighting that urge myself.

But there's more. Alot of things true southerners feel and do and enjoy, i dont get it sometimes. I hated young jeezy. He's starting to grow on me now, slightly. And the jig and the lean and rock? When i first saw them i thought the whole dance floor had lost their minds. The jig still looks like the martin short dance to me.

I said i'd never be a southern person, never claim ga more than ct. But in a way i feel like i'm missing something. Like the fun is going on without me. When lauren laughed at kesi's southern slang- "hellyatambout"- i was just like ok...inside joke.

Whats so great about this place? I dont miss bpt nearly as much as she does atl. i guess i better figure it out before i get left behind.

a wise man once said

dont you hate them old lyin ass hoes
smiling in your face but in her best friend's clothes?

ok, seriously it was lil flip. but it's true! ok, so she didnt smile in my face, but this is what i think happened:

my "friend" told her friends that she had a "hook up"-me- and that she would guarantee a good time for those friends from services rendered by the hook up. all this happened before talking to me.

said "friend" called me repeatedly at times when i was busy-i am always busy- and left messages, not to say hi, happy birthday (in 2 weeks) or happy anniversary (one week), but to say "i need something from you for free."

said "friend" also left IM's on my yahoo acct to say "oh, so you cant pick up the phone?" mind you, the last time i talked to her was october. and she was drunk and dismissive. and only wanted to talk about herself.

so no, i will not be rendering my services to you, my "clothes" if you will, for you will surely be flossing off of what i got, not what you earned, if i did so.

and shit, i dont have time to make sure your shit is squared away when mine is all over the place. but you wouldnt know that, cuz you never asked, did you. boo to you madam. boo to you.

i hate sales people...

well. i do. and i dont mean the people who stand in the store and help you get a shirt or a cup of coffee. you walked in there and knew that you wanted to buy things. they are helping. there is no pressure.

the sales people i hate are the ones that come to you. they used to have vacuums and silverware and come to your door with a cheap suit and ask about the lady of the house (who coincidentally, in those days didnt have money of their own; they were just the ones who could convince their husbands to buy this vacuum you were seduced into loving).

these days they strike up conversation with you in public, on a bus or train, or in my case, trap you at work and tell you about their product while you are stuck smiling at them. you cant say, "not interested!!!" as you would on the street because you are forced by your paycheck to be nice to them. i have experienced this many times when people came to the hotel i work at to have conventions. they sell candles, information, clothes, energy drinks, and the worst of them all... fucking noni juice.

now, i am a healthy person. i just recently decided i would not have doritos, my favorite snack, for the rest of the year. instead i purchased a pommegranate and some pistachios. i love fruit so much kesi calls me a fruit bat. i dont eat pork... for a person who doesnt exercise formally i am very active. i walk every day and have sex regularly. no real problems except my anemia, and even that is getting better. i say this to say, what do i need a miracle juice for?

it costs $45!!! are you kidding? i am not so lazy that i cant eat healthily and do some sit ups, but will instead spend my hard earned money on a bottle of bad tasting mystery juice that i dont even get to try first, because someone said it'll cure me of things i dont even, and may not ever, have.

"but what if your doctor said you had, like, cancer and the doctor said you needed to do something?" one sassy sales woman decided to confront me with. clearly she wasnt the best sales person. what kind of question structure is that?

"well seeing as how i cant afford to get sick right now, i guess i'd die." she left after that.

another thing about these sales people, is that they are not so interested in selling products. they would much rather manage people who do. they get those people to "invest" money and buy products to sell. but then those people can do the same thing: find someone to sell, and buy products and supplies from them. pyramid scheme, anyone? no thanks. i have a REAL job.

they are also very motivated by money. they will argue you DOWN about why this should be the thing for you, with, "dont you wanna make some extra money? who doesnt wanna make money? this money will stop the terrorists!!!" as their main point. well i concider myself to not be at all motivated by money, so that's not at all apealing to me. if i really cared about money, i would have went to college three years ago, when everyone else did, and get a degree in, like marketing or some crap that i didnt love. i love radio. music. people. thats what i wanna do, and i would do it for free if i didnt have bills. and if i could one day send my kids to college with the family's good looks as colateral. but i digress. i love that. obviously, sales people love...money.

i'm gonna go all fight club on them. start my own little army that fights against these people with no personality and no friends to spend all thier precious cash on. they are the all singing, all dancing, scum of the earth. god i love that movie...

so in conclusion, sales people suck. they atribute nothing to the world. except something for me to aspire never to be. and they're rude and self centered, in general. so boo to them.