back in the A!

i have unceremoniously returned from Cross/ Eutawville/ Casey south carolina. my grandfather's funeral was quite an event. i'll be sure to tell you about it and the days surrounding, i just dont feel like doing it now. i just wanted to leave you with some pix...

remember that gigantic field i saw when i was 7? its still gigantic.

my dad, brother, and me. please understand that this pic is rought (or is it raught?) with thoughts and emotions, and that i hate that hes holding me by the stomach as if im pregnant, especially since i looked really thin that day. and my brother looks mighty retarded. and my dad has the country ash. but there will be more on all this tomorrow... or later today rather

Father's day

"Do you wanna just go tomorrow?"
"maybe, I gotta see what my daddy wants to do for his day."
"I KEEP forgetting tomorrow is fathers day!"

I keep forgetting because its been over a year since I've talked to my dad. I've talked about him before, all the drama, but since he chose to not come to my brother's graduation I haven't said boo to him. At one point I wanted to renew the facets of our relationship and have him fix my car, but his number is disconnected, so... At this point I figure if you really missed us, you'd call MY number has been the same for years.

Yesterday, kesi's dad's girlfriend's daughter (yes, all that is necessary... She's separated from us by trifling people) called him. We were napping, as we are wont to do, and his voice was very deep and scratchy as he was telling her, "fathers day is very busy, I can't just not go to work... Nope, I can't come by tomorrow... I don't know we'll see..." etc. She's 13 and doesn't really understand what it is to be fed up with her father like Kesi and I are. Her father died when she was 5. But she lives with Kesi's dad and he's the closest thing she has. Funny how people can be one thing to some people and something else to others. My dad is currently taking care of his girlfriend's child too, I would suppose.

Kesi's brother, H, and I were in the kitchen talking one night and somehow the conversation turned to our wedding: would he be in it, why don't Kesi and I just go get married and spend the money on some big vacation, etc. "will you feel bad if your dad doesn't walk you down the aisle?" I wouldn't. Ok, maybe on some level. But I've got two brothers who would do it. Or a close friend. Someone who's been there more than he has. Of course, traditionally, it would be nice for him to do that, but at the same time, who's to say I wouldn't temporarily have him in my life just for him to disappear again, and then I'm stuck with him tainting the memory of my wedding? And you may say, well the day is not about him, and that's true, and that's why I don't care if he doesn't walk me down the aisle.

Don't get me wrong, my dad isn't all bad. Its just... Its as if there's 2 of him, and I can't really reconcile that. There's the one guy is so proud of me, shows me off to everyone, takes me on boat trips, moves to a different state because his children were moving, calls Kesi his son in law, comes through when I need him, fixes up a friend's hair salon in return for a cheaper hair do for me. Then there's the guy who gets arrested 5 times in Atlanta, leaves the state (long term) without telling us, misses one son's graduation, doesn't know the other's on the way to Iraq, doesn't call, and picks some chick he barely knows over us. I never know what I'm going to get. I don't know him as well as I think I do.

About a week ago, Kesi and I were laying in bed, about to nap, as we are wont to do, when I started reciting: "I love you. You love me." when I would pause, he would nod. "we're a happy family. " "we're not a family." "yes we are." "but we don't have any kids. When we have kids, then we'll be a family." I think he's wrong, but he's right too. And I know that when we do have kids, it will be different. He'll do better. And I won't forget to honor him on father's day.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Some things that's going on.

1. my dad's in town. he's staying in the guest room, at least until my mom finishes having him fix stuff. then he'll probably head to my aunt's house. not that my mom is kicking him out... a bug- a big one- crawled on my hand last night and he came running downstairs to kill it. i screamed my face off, but he noted that i wouldnt hang up the phone or even drop it. that was kind of nice that he rescued me, lol.

2. lauren tells me every day how much she hates houston. i hate it too. i wish she could come live here. she could, but two broke people does not a plane ticket make.

3. went out again last friday. i'm really bummed that i cant see kid capri this friday. my job is staying open an extra two hours for TD jakes mega fest. its a documented fact that church groups are terrible tippers. but i'll be working 54 hours this week. back to the club- fun times. some guy put his boner on my stomach while we were dancing. needless to say i didnt dance with him no more. ew.

4. i hate on that rihanna song but if i cheated on my man it'd probably kill him too. and i'm sorry, but that cassie song is a tad whorish. the guys heard she was good? who told? but its good to dance to. and beyonce! her video is insane! lauren, that's your ringtone. whoo!

5. i spent saturday and sunday morning with kesi. i felt like i hadnt seen him in ages, when it was really only a week. took goofy pix of him asleep. ah, love.

6. i cant wait for dom to get here so we can run through the fountain in centennial olympic park. i'm saving the moment for the two of us.

daddy.

is anyone really getting moved by the tiger woods nike commercial? every time it comes on i get quiet. i also wish that we had a video camera when i was little.

so after one particular viewing of the commercial i called my dad. we talked for a sec about what he's doing today (My cousin's having a cookout at the park near my old house) and when he was coming down here (a couple weeks). and why he's moving back.

my dad's moving back to the south. not atlanta he said, but maybe georgia. my mother's happy she has someone to fix our shower. i dont know how my brother feels, but he knew first and didnt tell anyone- purposefully or not.

me? all i can say is i'm happy. when my dad left unexpectedly it was odd and somewhat devastating for me. but now he'll be closer physically to me, and that makes me feel more, i dont know, relaxed. for a person who has essentially had lots of family around all the time, the little that i have down here- friends included- means so much to me. no matter if i see them or talk to them, knowing they are near by makes me feel like i can breathe easy. and my dad- my hero guy- he makes me feel the most relaxed.

so here we are on father's day, and i'm feeling fulfilled. i'd like one day to look back on my life with my father like tiger did and see nothing but happiness, love, and closeness. and i'd like to go buy a video camera.

I feel like lindsay fucking lohan

my dad left me. literally. He went back to connecticut and no one knew but my aunt, who wanted him to go pick up my cousin after the hurricane. Imagine her suprise, when calling my granddaddy and my dad picks up the phone. He didnt even say goodbye. he did however, come back two or so weeks later and get all his crap. he left me his tv, and i wasnt home when he dropped it off. in all, i havent seen my dad since august 11, 2005. three months.

now, i am an adult. I'm a woman with alot going for me. But even now my father just up and leaving hurts like nobody's business. I never needed him for much after a certain age, but somehow knowing he's no longer a few miles away makes the little girl in me fall apart.

oddly enough, he was never REALLY there. As a child i have very few memories of spending time with just my dad. I spent plenty of time with his family, as my granddaddy had a big house which his kids could never seem to leave (my dad lives there now). My aunt lived downstairs with her myriad of children, so having me there was no big deal. But dad was in and out. He'd see me and give me a few dollars, and tell me he loved me.

When my mom decided to move us to atlanta ten years ago, he decided to move too, saying he had already lived away from one of his kids (my middle brother who lives in NC; more on that saga another day) and didnt want to be away from the other two. He even moved before us and got a job.

but the only thing that changed was location. Until recently, my dad would be in jail at least once a year, for months at a time, for various charges. He lived all over the south side and had tons of jobs, the best of which my ex called the hot pocket factory, from which he would bring us food. tons of food. he got hit by a fork lift on that job, and after they knew they were liable, they didnt let him back. He only met lauren once.

But he wasnt all bad. He carried us with such pride. Especially me. i'm his only daughter. He'd say, "this is my little girl," in a way that would make me smile no matter what was going on in my mind. that pride is why i want to have a girl first. so kesi can see how that feels, and so she can be loved. living vicariously through my nonexistent daughter. what a life. people would say, "really, you look too young to have a teen!" He loved that. He once told me he was 17. I was 15 then.

So my daddy left me. The reasons are unknown. There's speculation he's jealous of my mom's boyfriend and feels like he's being replaced. But unfortunately for my heart, no one can ever replace him. Kesi says i should tell him how much he hurt me, but i dont know if thats possible. Could you imagine how long that letter would be? And how would we reverse it? This is decades of confusion and wanting someone. What would i do when they actually came to me? Irony is being farthest away from him to show me how close i want to be.