"I'm sorry that your friend died. That really sucks. I know that ur probably having a hard time right now, but I have 2 say something. For the sake of my own mind I cant continue this. I cant act like we were once friends that just drifted apart. What we had ended badly, at least thats how I see it. So I cant just talk to you now like everythings ok. It makes my head and my heart hurt and it puts me back where I was when we were 17. I'm so different now. I just want you to know that I never cheated on you and I never lied to you. Whatever you may think, that's the truth. There r so many questions that I had back then that r unanswered and thats fine."
I finally got to say what I needed. And I got a really unexpected answer...
"If u don't want 2 talk, i understand. U were my 1st, and that's a big deal! Don't want 2 make u uncomfy! I was lied 2, just want u 2 know, i'm sorry. Kesi is a very lucky man! U r a great woman!"
Wow. Surprising me at every turn. And an extraneous use of exclamations. I thought I was bad.
"I owe u an explanation. U will always have part of me, and 1 day u'll want 2 know why i gave up on us."
That's left to question, but I told him that if he wanted to explain I'd listen. Its all rafiki to me, but I can appreciate the need to get things off your chest and taking that opportunity.
La asked me if I feel better:
"I really do. No longer like screaming, but I may cry when I get home. I mean, every time I thought about our relationship there was always the remorse of "oh well, so many things unsaid," but I think I have closure now. I hope he's happy with his cats.*"
For the record, I didn't cry. I snuggled with Kesi and watched cartoons. A much better release, I think.
*the line about the cats is from "FRIENDS." that was a funny scene.
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Showing posts with label ken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ken. Show all posts
Monday, August 18, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
Brain ache
So Thursday evening, I'm sitting at home, watching TV and crocheting. I get a picture msg from Barbie. We haven't talked in a few weeks, which is normal, and I'm in a good mood, so I respond with a rousing "lol"....
Barbie: I know, I'm a funny guy! Me: lmao "funny guy". How's things?
Barbie: fine. You?
Me: workin on a big project. I'm excited!
Barbie: really? What kind?
Me: Oh I'm making a blanket. But she shipped me yarn to use and everything.
Barbie: Oh cool. Make me one! J/K
Me: lol I would, but I don't think the hubby would lay under it.
Barbie: oh Barbie's at work. This is the hubby.
*Wha?!?! I haven't talked to this guy in 6 years! And now we're being cordial via text? My head is about to explode.... But I must remain calm.*
Me: Oh. Did not know that. I thought Kelly was being silly when she said "funny guy." so you haven't seen any of my blankets. They're mostly baby stuff...
Ken: sorry. Thought you knew it was me. [how would I have known? This is text msg!]
Me: nope. Didn't figure you'd wanna talk to me tho...
Ken: Y not? I still consider u an old friend. [what? When did this happen?]
Me: That's good. I told you before that the worst thing about us breaking up was losing a friend. But we haven't talked in 6 years, so...
Ken: I just didn't want Barbie to get the wrong idea. You know how she can be. [her!?! This dude was jealous of my love for dmx.]
Me: I know how both of you can be. But you two are married and I'm in a committed relationship so there should be no worry.
And so it went. We... Chatted. Nothing heavy, despite my internal monolouge. Mostly about music and concerts and our brothers. And of course, Kesi. Am I crazy? Because I wanted to scream, "why do you think I ruined your life? Or that I cheated on you? You can't just sneak up on me like this!" but I didn't. I was nice. Cuz I'm a nice person. Or a fool. But I don't trust this further than I can throw it. I can't be won easily.
Of course I told Kesi and he didn't like it. I can understand that. He's concerned that my niceness might be taken advantage of. But I doubt things will get that far. I honestly think he'll get one more voluntary conversation out of me where I may get to say all these things I've wanted to say, just because if I don't I'll regret it. I don't know how I can be sure its him on the other side, but fuck it. This is about my catharsis. If I have to stop talking to both of them for the sake of my own sanity and the sanctity of my relationship, then so be it.
I honestly can't imagine a friendship with this man. It would take a lot. And I'm not willing to go there. Its not worth fighting for.
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Friday, July 04, 2008
Le random
*my thumb swells when its hot out. Why is that? Sometimes its my pinkie, and only on the left hand. It gets tight and itchy. Weird.
*the devil's gatorade strikes again. I had put it in my locker after it offended my shorts on Friday (btw the stain came out in the wash), and I decided last night I was thirsty. After getting home late last night I picked it up when I got out of the car, and it spilled all in/on my purse! What the?!? I didn't even bother to take it in the house. I just threw it in the trash. Bitch ass gatorade. I knew I shoulda got vitamin water.
*red ink heals really nastily. It looks like an open wound. Or like "the white meat," as we call it when you really skin yourself and you see the vessels under it? Either way its bad and wrong. Interestingly enough, my flower turned brown as it started healing and now its turning red again. Its like it wilted and died and then came back.
*when I went to Psycho Sisters to get my scarf and shades (see pic) there was a lil white girl, probably about 7, singing jeezy's "put on for my city." she knew all the words and was trying to put in some notes and whatnot! Then I started smiling at her and she got all shy. It was so funny. Imagine a lil girl singing "call me jeezy Hamilton, flying down campbellton..."
*speaking of lil girls, I love that commercial where the lil girl has a dairy queen fort and her dad gets played by her, then when he comes back the dairy queen is "closed." so funny!
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Friday, November 17, 2006
WARNING: the following post is pretty deep.
sometimes i imagine revenge. not of the torturous sort, but i want to be such a great person that he realizes what a crazy ass he was. and what he lost. self torture i guess.
i remember what he looked like last time i saw him. above all else, he was bald. (must admit, that made it easier for me.) didnt even look like the boy i once knew. so molded to what he thought was cool at this point in time. used to be me. my friends. now he was a gangster.
i'd known him for years. since i'd known lauren. we were friends and then one day he sent me a note saying he liked me. we started dating and literally one week later he told me he was in love with me. i told him i was too. (was i? doubt it. and maybe i shouldnt have said it back. but i know i had love for him and i didnt want to hurt him) so here we are, young and in love. and i didnt know then, neither of us did, that you cant really be in love and be depressed. because you dont love yourself and you cant love someone without loving yourself.
but we tried. we ended up being that person in your own head who agrees and says, youre never wrong- the world is wrong. when i'd be pissed at this or that thing he'd say, forget that. i'm here. i would assume, naively, that everything would be ok as long as we were together. we had no real future plans. he was gonna join the army and i'd be there too, as support i guess.
and yes, i got pregnant. i think about it on occasion and acknowledge that its bittersweet that we lost that child. i am relieved i'm not stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life. not the first in the line of women who bore his children. (he has 3 now.) though it was my dream at the time. and we were gonna run away because of course our parents would not approve and they'd try to run our lives and taint our unborn. his words not mine. fuck, i could have really ruined my life. do you know that most spousal abuse starts with isolation from the support system?
we stayed together for two years. i guess. we werent to together after he moved away. his family moved a long drive away and i barely saw him. but we talked every day. even when he got a job. then he did something i wouldnt expect. he stopped talking to me. maybe i should have seen it coming. he was a jealous guy and had recently found out i was once involved with someone he absolutely hated. i dont think he'd ever gotten over it. it would give him nightmares. i finally caught up with him and he told me we both knew it wasnt gonna work out. i was devastated. i was still convinced that we were gonna be together forever. (i never say that kesi and i will be together forever. it makes our relationship more fantasy than reality. clearly i was all fairytale back then.) i was also convinced we'd get back together. and we did.
life was good again. until one day he called me to say he was leaving. he'd shot someone. and "some people" were looking for him. he'd call soon. but we were still together. figuratively. we hadnt been in sync for at least 6 months. he had no idea of my daily life, my changes and growth. i had no idea he had been in jail, and fathering his first child. or even that he was back here in ga. didnt he think i'd care? some days i wondered if he was even alive.
but when i found out... it was like a switch flipped. i cried once. let it out. then i decided 2002 was gonna be the year i made myself happy. i was a new person no one got to see me mope around over him anymore. i took the whole thing as a lesson learned. and i knew that no matter what came i wouldnt be controled. it would all be my decision. i was once invited to go with a friend to see his second child. i was ok with the idea and knew i could be happy for him if his life was what he wanted it to be. i was subsequently uninvited by his wife, a former friend, who said she couldnt get over what i did to him. it made me wonder what he put into her head. if some of the things he led her to were the same things he led me to. if he was happy in his life and love as i was.
i look back at these events, sans emotion, and think of how that was really me. how i've changed. i cant regret it because it made me who i am and helped me appreciate real love when it finally came to me.
either way, i hope he's sorry. i hope one day he can tell me so. i think of torture because that's what i felt sometimes. like i could never be without him. i'm glad i learned i can.
i remember what he looked like last time i saw him. above all else, he was bald. (must admit, that made it easier for me.) didnt even look like the boy i once knew. so molded to what he thought was cool at this point in time. used to be me. my friends. now he was a gangster.
i'd known him for years. since i'd known lauren. we were friends and then one day he sent me a note saying he liked me. we started dating and literally one week later he told me he was in love with me. i told him i was too. (was i? doubt it. and maybe i shouldnt have said it back. but i know i had love for him and i didnt want to hurt him) so here we are, young and in love. and i didnt know then, neither of us did, that you cant really be in love and be depressed. because you dont love yourself and you cant love someone without loving yourself.
but we tried. we ended up being that person in your own head who agrees and says, youre never wrong- the world is wrong. when i'd be pissed at this or that thing he'd say, forget that. i'm here. i would assume, naively, that everything would be ok as long as we were together. we had no real future plans. he was gonna join the army and i'd be there too, as support i guess.
and yes, i got pregnant. i think about it on occasion and acknowledge that its bittersweet that we lost that child. i am relieved i'm not stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life. not the first in the line of women who bore his children. (he has 3 now.) though it was my dream at the time. and we were gonna run away because of course our parents would not approve and they'd try to run our lives and taint our unborn. his words not mine. fuck, i could have really ruined my life. do you know that most spousal abuse starts with isolation from the support system?
we stayed together for two years. i guess. we werent to together after he moved away. his family moved a long drive away and i barely saw him. but we talked every day. even when he got a job. then he did something i wouldnt expect. he stopped talking to me. maybe i should have seen it coming. he was a jealous guy and had recently found out i was once involved with someone he absolutely hated. i dont think he'd ever gotten over it. it would give him nightmares. i finally caught up with him and he told me we both knew it wasnt gonna work out. i was devastated. i was still convinced that we were gonna be together forever. (i never say that kesi and i will be together forever. it makes our relationship more fantasy than reality. clearly i was all fairytale back then.) i was also convinced we'd get back together. and we did.
life was good again. until one day he called me to say he was leaving. he'd shot someone. and "some people" were looking for him. he'd call soon. but we were still together. figuratively. we hadnt been in sync for at least 6 months. he had no idea of my daily life, my changes and growth. i had no idea he had been in jail, and fathering his first child. or even that he was back here in ga. didnt he think i'd care? some days i wondered if he was even alive.
but when i found out... it was like a switch flipped. i cried once. let it out. then i decided 2002 was gonna be the year i made myself happy. i was a new person no one got to see me mope around over him anymore. i took the whole thing as a lesson learned. and i knew that no matter what came i wouldnt be controled. it would all be my decision. i was once invited to go with a friend to see his second child. i was ok with the idea and knew i could be happy for him if his life was what he wanted it to be. i was subsequently uninvited by his wife, a former friend, who said she couldnt get over what i did to him. it made me wonder what he put into her head. if some of the things he led her to were the same things he led me to. if he was happy in his life and love as i was.
i look back at these events, sans emotion, and think of how that was really me. how i've changed. i cant regret it because it made me who i am and helped me appreciate real love when it finally came to me.
either way, i hope he's sorry. i hope one day he can tell me so. i think of torture because that's what i felt sometimes. like i could never be without him. i'm glad i learned i can.
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