a yabba dabba doo time!!!

lets see...

tons of margaritas,

yummy mexican by mexicans,

thai dinner,

tattoos,

aquarium, complete with the above attacky stingray,

and more to come!

im having a good time.

and she's not just lying on the floor mopey, cuz im awesome. and also theres no booze here that ive seen, so of course we have to leave sometime.

2.5 more days!!!

logic

laid out man... i was the only person on the floor. thats how bad it was. and despite the fact that it wasnt that bright in there, i had just came from the room with the strobe light so i needed the shades... i dont know why...it wasnt like i fully opened my eyes anyway...
me and my fellow volunteers!!! can you spot me? im right where i should be!





and here's video of russell simmons talking about the importance of taking the first step. it got interrupted cuz we had to go, but you get the gist.

I'm... Just being honest.

*kesi said the black cartoon from the nuvaring commercial looks like me. If you see that commercial lemme know, lol. He said it even has my bathingsuit strut. Its VERY new. I just saw it Monday for the first time.

Is it possible to have your own personal culture? I think my fairly gigantic (did I mention I have a big fam?) family has their own culture. Their own ways. It basically revolves around saying what you feel cuz no one will remember or even maybe hear you anyway.

This comes to my mind because my friend who I went to hs with came to town and we hung out for a day at her parents' house. This same house was the setting of a strange moment for me. Here's what happened:

*Her parents have some pda moment and share a lil cutey pie kiss.
*I say, "ew, old people love!" in a dramatically comedic way.
*Later her dad talks to her for an HOUR about what he feels is my "rudeness."

Now I feel that my mom or dad and their significant others (except notsomuch my dad, as his girlfriend is 12 years old), or even La's parents would have laughed along. Matter of fact, I call La's dad old all the time. He calls me fat. This is our way. Is it because I know them on a different level? Meh. Anyways...

So I kinda walked on eggshells at my friend's house all of 7 years later. Made sure to be the kind of polite I would maybe have been at a church I was visiting. But not my home church in CT, as I know them like family and we too have a rapport. Lol.

For the most part I'm considered colorful and funny, and I know I get that from my mother. She has an opinion and though it can be strong and sometimes really narrow (she once said porn created child molesters), sometimes it can be light and fun too. And she taught us to say what we feel. Sometimes- most times- its taken well. And sometimes people wanna talk about my rudeness for an hour.

Clearly this is something that has affected me from then on. And I'm not the only one that thinks my friend's parents are a lil tight, so...

Anyway, is it strange that I have a cousin who lives around the corner from me and I only communicate with her after work on the trains? I have her number, and she has mine, but we never call or text. Also, I just found out she has 20 brothers and sisters. 20! Not all of them are related to me. But about.... Let's give an estimate here... 12, including her, are. My uncle, the one that likes to scare people, and whose son scared me on the train this past winter, despite the fact that he is a lil slow, has a baseball and a basketball lineup, lol. Man I'm stopping at 4. I don't know what I'll do to stop after that, but shoot its clear my fam is hella fertile.

And I'm gonna see them really soon! I'm not gonna share too many details cuz they end up falling through, but I'm going home! Wooo!
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Ask and she shall receive.

*Rashan. Please look back to Feb when I wrote about camping, "Jameil doesn't like camping" or something like that, to read about the guy who's in love with mariah Carey. Suffice it to say that she's the only woman he's ever loved, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he changed his status to reflect his actions today. His profile pic is still Mimi though.

*apparently TI isn't on house arrest... Or something? Bah. Anyway he was giving away $100 an hour as part of a radio promotion/ community service. How do you calculate that though? Is it a whole weekend of service, or just when they tell you to call in? Btw I didn't call in. I had to work.

*I'm finally off! Yay! This was a hard won day off too man. I'm not gonna tell you how my feet hurt, I was on my period, and I had a little meltdown in the bread aisle at the Kroger. I'd just like to thank my baby for putting up with me while simultaneously putting me in my place.

*well, what can I say. I'm 11 days closer to Miami..

*still can't tell you about the work drama. But it got a tad juicier, and some faces got tightened, lol. But its all good for the Joy!

*kesi's mom got me a sundress! And it has yellow in it, so... Also blue, green, purple, and fuschia. Its black backgrounded, yet still summery. And can we point out that this was kinda out of nowhere? She's so nice! I'll take a "speech" anyday if they come with presents.

*the evil manager is still a dirty bitch... And no one will stand up for her

*got me some haagen dazs cookie dough icecream. Its good but it wasn't soft! Like, usually when I buy blue bell, and I first open it, its soft. But not the HD. I had to fight it... But it was still good, and it kinda kept me from eating too much...

*Look! I turned one post into 2! Lol. I'm still delirious from working, but I think I'll be better tomorrow. We're going to chili's! I have not been there in a... Possibly ever, really. I mean my bf/ BIL's/ brother works for their competitor, so why would I? But who wants to go eat what they cook all day? Not Kesi. So we're going to chili's to hang out with our friend dani. We haven't seen her in like 2 years, when she and another friend performed at this showcase. People used to think we were related in high school. I think its cuz we were the same shade of brown. You know how people are. So we expect to hear that tomorrow. Until then, holla!

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finally!!!

pictures!!!!

me at the hotel getting ready to leave. please note that the birthday girl pin made a return for the 08. not seen: skinny jeans and stilettos. the headband brought the color into the outfit.

2 of my friends. the chick, i havent seen her since graduation, except for her best friend's funeral almost a year ago. i almost cried that she and another one of my friends came... i dont know how we lost touch but we wont again. once again i cant hate on my boy wearing the shades... once i really got to drinking, i put mine on too.

from left to right, thats grand mariner (2), a lemon drop, and a pom margarita. i got the glow face, which is what happens when i drink (check the above link for proof of that). that, and i lose control of my facial expressions. but other than that, and my lack of ability to pronounciate, i felt great! the cherry stem i tied is behind the lemon wedge. shoulda took a pic of that.

yall. that food was soooooooo bangin! of course there was more on the platter, but i got halfway through before i was able to think straight enough to take pix. i want to go back!!! can you see the spicy goodness on the shrimps??? ugh! heaven. and they blanched and buttered the brocolli, which is how i like it. there's no need to cook most veggies. that just takes away flavor.

and indeed, i did take pix of me in my new express clothes.

this is the shirt and skirt, which i usually would not wear together because its too bland a combo for me. when i do wear them i'd pair the top with a grey or black bottoms, and the skirt? something rich, like a jeweltoned. or patterned. also i zoomed in on the pic bacause i was doing laundry, i wasnt wearing shoes, and i didnt have on lipgloss. it was a rush job, lol.

last but not least, lauren's valentine. for those that dont know, lauren is my valentine. this year i was gonna buy her a shirt that said "free la, bitches," but they wanted an arm and a leg for it. and a finger from the other arm's hand. and i said, "for that much, i can make it myself!" and thats what i did!!! im pretty crafty, you know? i took pics of it but my phone ate them when i was trying to email them to myself, so i only have one. and i think it says everything.

"Not always there when you call

But I'm always on time."

Ja and ashanti took liberties with scripture, but that phrase describes me.

I don't tend to pick up the phone when you call (I prefer texts) but I am ALWAYS ontime. Even to shit I don't wanna do. As much as I complained about work in December, I got PERFECT attendance. I don't want to be late. I don't want to miss anything on account of lateness, because my mind tends to wander and I will certainly miss something due to zoning out. Plus I'm short. I was so mad when I went to see kanye and I couldn't get there early enough to actually see him (it was a $5 concert). So when it comes to fun stuff, I come ontime to get a good seat.

Saturday I was supposed to meet my peoples at a restaurant for a party. Yay! So a friend was supposed to take us, but she planned on staying later than us so we took the car to the train station, despite the fact that Kesi's uncle was fixing it earlier, yada yada. Then trained it to the restaurant downtown near my job.

We were supposed to meet at 8. We were asked to wear green. Now, lemme tell you about green. Kesi has notta one green shirt. He hates it. He's a bold color kinda guy. Royal blue, true red, black, etc. His brother has a lot of green (truly and metaphorically) so he borrowed a shirt from him. Yesterday was literally the first time in my 9 years of knowing him that I have ever seen him in green. Think on that for a second.......... Moving on... Me? I have 3 green items in rotation. A green and black dress which was last worn to my friend's grandma's funeral, a Victoria's secret tunic length cami which, its warm-ish out but it aint that warm, and a forest green tee that says "yes, but not with you." and I only got that one because the colors are very Indian. Anyways, that's the one I wore, despite the fact that I'm on the fashion come-up. I could have easily looked fly-er in a different color, but you asked for green, and honestly, I don't plan on buying a green shirt when I go fashion come-up shopping. Unless its jewel toned.

Moving on (again). Kesi and I took the train and arrived at the restaurant downtown, in the middle of mart week. "Mart" is a big, big retail buyers convention, full of women. I had sent my friend a text asking him if there were any bathroom emergencies this time; he was late to his birthday party for having to go #2, lol. He said he was running late. I said "well I'LL be on time." and we were.

But he was not. In fact, we waited there til like 830, and even tried to get the seats but the place didn't do reservations, not even for large parties, and I have to say the chick I talked to was such a bitch. It took me a lot not to tell her weave-a-liscous ass off. I told her the info he gave me, and she kept giving me this "and what is this supposed to mean to me?" gesture. She wanted me to cut her, that's all that was. Apparently we weren't the only ones there from our party, but I didn't know these people, and so Kesi and I were chilling, or rather steaming. I was so hungry!

So my friend calls back and asks if we can meet him at a location not only NOT downtown, but also, in a complete other direction of our neighborhood. Which means we'd have to take the train back, get in the car, and get on the highway and meet them somewhere else. Kesi was pissed! He was already having a rough day, and had mentioned something I hadn't noticed: every time we went somewhere with this friend, he was late. Kesi was like fuck it (he basically wipes his hands of the whole thing), and I know he's serious. Though our friend offered to take us out to lunch or something, I'm sure Kesi won't be going. Woo sah.

So instead, we went to waffle house, got full (but I don't recommend the blueberry waffles, I don't know what it is but it isn't right in the texture) and watched pulp fiction. We both had never seen the whole thing, and I liked it, how everthing kind of looped around. But there was some gratuitous brandishing of the N word that I didn't appreciate. But I figured out where that "say what again!" line came from on the boondocks. Hilarious.

So I'd have to say I broke even on the day. Can't say the same for Kesi, but he was better Sunday, so. All I'm saying is, if I'm asked to be somewhere at X:00, I'll be there. Remember that.

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maybe its me

the Hater's birthday is this week. so i decided to give her a new name. taps. because whenever something ridiculous is going on at work she'll reach her foot over and tap me as if to say, we'll laugh about this later. and usually we do. the truth is: we're actually friends.

it goes back to what i said a few months ago. friends hold grudger longer than the person originally wronged. in this case, i was annoyed by taps's every move toward b, especially when he was talking to hartford, because he told me once or twice that he was done with her cuz of all the shit they went through. i never really gave her a fair chance. so who's the real Hater? she was very rarely mean to me, baring that time that gave her the original name. i dont even count that time at the club cuz if someone was dancing with my ex i might have to give them stank looks too.

so maybe i'm the Hater. i mean, at least in this situation. but i can admit my wrong doing... this girl doesnt even beef over the little inside jokes we tend to accidentally not include her in. i was the one who chose sides.

so yeah we're cool now. i just had to express my faults. luckily i never told anyone she knows about how i felt and my opinions; not enough to poison anyone against her. but that doesnt take away my misgivings about feeling that way and holding on longer than i needed to. i'm trying to work on letting people change.

dear friend,

sigh. how have you been? we havent spoken lately, but that's to be expected. so many reasons. but youre on my mind and you should know. good and bad... youre on my mind.

i try. i do. i try to stay out of my friends' love lives because i have a generally optimistic view and always hope things will go right, but sometimes right isnt what we hope it is. you can guarantee that the first thing out of my mouth will be, you all can work it out. even if its not meant to be. even if i dont think they're good enough for you- as the case may be with another of my friends. its important for you to be happy. and that's why i'm blogging this rather than calling you. that, and i hate confrontations.

i noticed an interesting dynamic in your current relationship. i've been there. i hate to say it but i've been thinking it for so long. it reminds me of mine with my ex. you remind me of him sometimes and i hate that in you. you know i love you but i would never want another person to be treated the way he treated me. no matter how i feel about them. i was completely wrapped in him and his interests were elsewhere. sound familiar? i know you have love for this person but do they know how you cried over someone else? about the time you and this other person spent together? innocent or not. its still a secret and secrets hurt.

think about your parents. how you say they would argue about things that happened a long time ago. when you were little. before you were even born. things that should have been resolved years ago. and look at the result. i know you dont want to be that way. you have a good heart. you try to spare feelings. stop it. say how you feel and be honest. who do you love that doesnt deserve the truth? you think that maybe they cant handle it. but is it you who cant handle how they would react?

i say these things because i really do love you and its hard and it hurts. sometimes time invested is a lesson learned. i want people to have the true impression of who you are. but do you know who that is? can you put that out toward everyone? this is not just about your love relationship, but about our relationship too. you come to me and ask me things and make confessions and sometimes its to different from day to day that i dont know what to make of it.

think about what i'm saying. that is, if you read my blog... its all from the heart. trust me. know that i have your back. i want you to be happy. the cards have to be laid out. its the only way.

-K-

the new addition.

"i'm not going to attack you..."
"I know that. i was just thinking aloud."

actually i wasnt. i was passive aggressively letting this man- nice enough to drive me home- know i would stab him if he tried anything. mentioning that the knife in my purse needed to be replaced. and his calling me out on my bull was the start of my friendship with B.

hard to believe now he was so quiet when he first started working at the hotel. i cant remember how long it took for him to tell me we went to the same high school. i dont remember him from there, though we've probably been crossing paths since i first moved to east point. he lived a mile away from my old house and one of his best friends was in class with kesi. also he had english with my brother. the list goes on.

he started driving me and others home. that's him: worried about your safety and things. also, a young drinker. B looks like my older brother (literally, same skin tone, natural hair, big guy: 200 footballish lbs) but in reality he just turned 21 last week. but we'd go drinking last winter cuz he knows people. alcohol will bring people closer. when we'd be headed home, we'd talk about the girls who liked him from work. there are quite a few; he's a charmer.

he's the newest of my best friends. my club buddy. i laugh at his love for women. its almost an obsession. remember that joke by dave chapelle about how guys have things to impress women, where dave goes, "gotcha bitch"? i think every time B gets a phone number this goes through his head. i try to give him the neutral female perspective of things and listen to his views.

and he's freakin funny. i think of all things i can count on him to make me laugh during the workday. especially when the Hater is around. they get to arguing or something... but when we're with friends its even better. i cant even describe it over a blog.

the nature of our friendship is, i think, a catalyst. whenever the two of us are in the same area, neither can be in a bad mood. and usually neither are the people in the general area. of course there's seriousness, like with the dog, but its mostly fun. the kind of comfy fun that makes people best friends.

my X best friend.

that's just a play on words. i still love X. we are still friendy friends.

his brother asked me how we became friends. how we met. i said, "Apparently lauren and i were lying on the floor, and he was standing over us. is that right?" i honestly dont remember. what i do remember is that we were in drama class together and that we bonded over the fact that we went to the same middle school, albeit for 5 weeks.

he had a crush on my friend. lol, ah memories. the three of us used to spend hours on the phone being ridiculously goofy. i used to love to watch him freestyle outside after school. we worked on costumes together in drama after school, which is kind of funny to think about if you knew him.

then he moved away. but we still kept in touch. i'd braid his hair and go see movies and things. we went to the same church, though that meant nothing to our relationship considering how big that church is.

he's like a brother to me really. we're very candid with each other and joke all the time. i listen to his music and laugh at the references he makes like theyre our own private jokes. we had a class together last spring and i felt like we disrupted with our lil giggles.

but we have our serious side too. i think sometimes i'm his outlook to what "typical" females think and feel. giving him the maybe's and possibly's and the other side of the story. we have really deep talks about spirituality and the future.

he's gonna see the world. i am too, but his experience will be more jam packed and whirlwind and lights and sounds. i'll be here to celebrate with him and take his call from france or wherever. i have faith in his talent and i'm glad he's my best friend.

and X, if youre reading, you could be right about where you'd be at your age. almost there! you were however wrong about the condition of my boobs. still perky!

best wedding ever

at least til i get married...

i went to my friend's wedding yesterday. i've known her since we were 15 and she was the one who introduced me to kesi. i was really excited about being there because she's one of those people where, if she's getting married, you know its for real.

before i get to the ceremony, lets talk outfits. i wore a brown dress with blue and cream dots on it. its low cut, halter, very sarah jessica. the boobs were on display. brown strappy nine wests, my birthday coach clutch, and a cream wool shawl. sexay. it'll be on my myspace page soon. the boy wore a cream shirt with an ivory/cream paisley tie and black pants with black stacey adams shoes. even a pocket watch. stop playin! ow! too much for ya'll.

the ceremony was simple but beautiful. the bridesmaids had really nice teal strapless gowns and her lil sis was the junior bride. right before she came out a cute lil kid, who i later found out was her stepson(!), came out with a bell and yelled, the bride is coming! how cute! i considered kidnapping him too.

she looked BEAUTIFUL. white strapless with her hair up and a tiara. i almost cried. i mean, we met in 9th grade science and now she's walking down the aisle, truly in love with a guy who is certainly her match.

her father in law did the ceremony, could you imagine? i could see him try to hide his pride. there were two songs, one by the best man and one by a bridesmaid. when they finished i wanted to clap but no one else did and i didnt wanna show out, lol.

they lit the unity candle, which was like, cute cuz one of the tapers went out so they held the other one together. thinking on their toes! after that was rings and bride "saluting," then we went to the reception downstairs.

we sat with a few high school friends and our magnet program director. i dont know if there are any teachers i'd invite to my wedding. except dad, but he's a given. no matter how much you eat before a wedding, you will always be hungry waiting for the wedding party to finish taking photos! i think i'll let people eat before we get back. just save me a plate. geez. we jammed to stevie wonder and reminisced until they came.

finally they got back and i got to hug my friend and meet her husband, and stepson. they are both are great and she's just so happy. i was literally that good kind of jealous where you know a person is so happy and youre like, i want it too! the little one is a dream. i told him he did his thing with the bell, and he did that lil sly backhand motion and says, "yup," like he's just too fly! how cute! we took some pictures and she and kesi chose to take a "gangsta" pose. too freakin funny.

we did the bouquet thing, and i didnt catch it. i did catch a bow to the face... the bride's little sister caught it. but guess who caught the garter? lol, we all know traditionally he's supposed to put it on the one who caught the bouquet, but seeing as how she's 10, i just put it in my purse. perfect souvenir.

then the live band started playing. here's the thing though: groom on piano, bride and best man singing. crazy! so you get married and then do a concert? what? i hadnt heard her sing since we were in school. the girl is so talented. she would compose songs on a whim. i'm still supposed to teach her to play violin... so anyway they sang 3 songs, one original, and i taped some of it on my phone. after that we did the electric slide (naturally) and went on home.

great wedding. i'm glad we connected again so i could be there to see it. i've been to 6 and this is the only one i was completely amazed over.

to my best friend 2: kesi

i met kesi in 9th grade. i remember the event as if it were today. i was sitting on the floor with my friend and she said, "that's my friend kesi." i remember he looked like a middle school friend omar: tall, skinny, cute... and so i asked about him. was he american? he's got a funny name. he's in 9th too?

after that we were semi-cool. we both wrote poetry and would share what we wrote. we even sat next to each other in our school's poetry showcase... which was when i realized i REALLY liked him. but i was in a very turbulent relationship then and so we remained friends.

he knows alot about me that the average chick might try to hide from a guy. but he was there for it. we talked- and still do talk- openly about situations in our lives. he's a good listener, and a good distraction from those things at the same time.

ok so we eventually got "booed up" or what have you, but that's like an accessory. it was funny how our relationship really didnt change except that we had a new title and kissed more often. i'd say that he's two things to me. he's my boyfriend, my love, but he's also my best friend. i think one lends to the other. if we hadnt started dating we wouldnt be as close, but if we hadnt been able to laugh with each other i wouldnt have been so attracted to him. i think if we werent together i'd still want him in my life because he brings a brightness and a different view to things.

above all he's my giggle buddy. we have so much fun. we can take a joke and make it last months. i still call him shnookie, and that was something we got from a cartoon years ago. people sometimes feel wierd about hanging with us cuz they think they'll be the odd one out, but around others we're friends and i'm like one of the guys.

i try to give him some of the world he's never seen. give him new perception. and the same goes for him toward me. i think of all my friends, he and i are the most different. we look at the world from different views...

like i said i see our friendship lasting the rest of our lives. through whatever phases life takes us we'll always have the ability to undertand and grow with each other. that's why he's one of my best friends.

lalala...i luv you...

i decided that i would write an entry about the 4 people i consider my best friends. then i decided trying to write about all of them in one entry would be really long. so this one's about lauren.

i met lauren the first week of school in 7th grade. she's transfered from a catholic school and i'd been in ga for a year from ct. people who never went to school in ct dont realize how alike those two things are.

our relationship was almost doomed when someone told her i said she was a whore. i didnt. but clearly that's a reason for her not to like me.

we had mutual friends though. she was dating one of the funnest guys ever, name withheld, and there was another lauren who she became attached to. by spring everything was cool and she we were having sleepovers and the usual 13 year old thang.

i liken our relationship to a sisterhood, but its more than that. we can tell each other everything and not get judged. we can hang out and do absolutely nothing and feel completely comfortable. we have similar sense of humor.

she's the only girl who i have been consistently close to. its funny. you hear alot of women say they dont hang out with other females too much but she is literally the only one. kesi says when we're together its like i'm a different person. probably cuz i hang around boys all day.

so after 10 years, (our friendship anniversary is oct 22) our friendship has grown and changed but i dont think i'd be such a sane person if i didnt have her to rely on. i think we were destined to be friends in order to keep the other from going totally nuts. my mom has a friend like that too- 25 years or so. no matter how far they are from each other they know the other is there.

so yes... lauren and i will be, pardon the cliche, friends forever. sans cats, no matter what she says. no cats woman! our kids will grow up together and be like cousins except that two of them will fall in love and have genetically superior children. lol.

last week's mini vacay.

my homie came to town and we went to the Ga aquarium. biggest in the world. here's a link to the photos i took there, if you like to look at tons of fishies. "Jelly glow" is my phone's wall paper...

we also went to gladys and ron's chicken and waffles. the food was so good i took a picture of that too, but i cant find it for some reason... internal fatness coming out. i probably erased it for pain of memory.

we DIDNT however, jump in the fountain like we were supposed to. he said next time. he will be back next week or something of the sort.

that is all. and yes, la, cassie is a terrible singer.

putting my 2cent in.

its 4 am and i cant sleep. i been thinking and i need to get this out.

i am fortunate enough to have 4 best friends. kesi, of course, lauren, a man who i call X on this blog (See post 2 way back when), and my newest, b, my club buddy. this deals with la and X.

no matter that people's intentions are toward me, when they cross my friends, we cant hang. la and X and i have a very close bond. a network of sorts where we know whats happening in each other's lives and where if it affects one, it affects us all.

this week one got affected. the affectee disrespected X so that it even hurt my feelings. and la's, and she got deep. you read it. and then the affectee disrespected la while attempting to and stated that she had 'nothing but love' for me. but that cant be true. affectee hates 40% of my circle.

i dont have to defend them. they do a good job on their own. but anyone who has a best friend knows they hold grudges long after you've let go. protective instinct. so i'm holding. and its unfortunate. bros before hos.

ps: if you have class you never have to tell anyone about it. to mention it 'negates the breezy.' lauren knows what that means. thats why she's the only chick in my circle.

My "friend list" is getting smaller...

Once upon a time i gave up on some friends. It was something i cried about. I did it for love- my boyfriend was so insanely jealous about a mutual friend that i had slept with who was still in my life, and in order to keep him i got rid of the friend. Actually it was more than one friend, but one in particular is important right now. It was kind of easy...just ignore the guy. But it was hard too, cuz they noticed i all of a sudden started hanging with different people-'not them' people.

After the guy and i inevitably broke up, i decided to not let anyone who claimed to love me isolate me from people i cared about. Recently i reunited with this frozen out friend, and we began to talk on the phone. We even met once which i wrote about here.

We talked a few more times, and discussed meeting again, but i never had the time and it never really worked out. There were times when i couldnt call, and i would get wierd messages about how i hurt his feelings. Wierd. Once he said he was tired of waiting for me, i started to get a little skeeved. I decided to ask for advice. Kesi said he liked me. Lauren said he liked me. People at work said- ok, you get the idea. And his 'pressure' on me and their general consensus made me feel my relationship was being disrespected. But i also knew he would deny it if i ever told him what i thought was going on.

When i confronted him, of course he denied that he was serious- he wasnt really waiting on me. But i couldnt be swayed. I broke up with my friend again. But this time i couldnt just freeze him out. I've grown up alot since i was 17 and i cant treat things the same. I had this to say.

Were you really kidding? I dont think you were. The whole thing seemed pretty wierd to me. Between that email and the one you sent before saying that i didnt care, there was no indication that you were joking. And you never mentioned it when we were on the phone, though the time i talked to you before i went to ct, you seemed moody then too-kind of mad at me. I dont know what to make of it all but i know that i dont think i can be your friend. Above all else, i feel guilty when i dont talk to you, as if i always have to give an explaination. Its too much pressure, as if i have to try to make this work. I think its great that you found me, but if we were meant to be as good a friends as we were before it wouldnt take so much effort. There's alot going on with me and i'm in a place where i'm comfortable and really like it. I hope you can say the same. I'm doing alot at once in the hopes that i can be who i want to be, and it doesnt leave me much time for other things, especially things and people that i'm not completely sure about. I hope you understand and know that i still carry no bad feelings about you.

And he had this to say.

Look I am sorry to make you feel like that but in all seriousness I was just Joking with you REALLY!!!!!! The only reason I keep going on with that stupid joke is that I thought you knew I was kidding. Maybe my sense of humor is not how you remember but believe me I would never want to do anything to weird you out and another thing is I know you are in a comfortable situation and I would never do anything to jeopardize anything you have. Believe ME. I also do not see why you think it is necessary to get me an explanation its your life you do what you want I dont expect anything from you. Please dont think you ever have to explain anything to me. In addition, what are you trying to make work? We will be friends whether we talk once day or once a year. I not some weirdo who needs constant reassurance from my friends to let me know I alive. One last point what the fuck do mean when you say people your not sure about? If thats what you think then please dont call or email me anymore. Hope you have a good life.

How oddly flip floppy. I havent written him back and i'm not going to. I didnt tell him that i think he has feelings for me because it doesnt really matter. It would only make it seem like history is repeating itself: i'm dropping him for a guy who's jealous. But that's not true at all (lord knows kesi isnt jealous of anyone i've slept with, and has never, not even now, told me who not to be friends with). Its about how i feel, and how i'm too old to be deciphering people's feelings and trying to make a friendship work. My friends and i just click. And i know people grow apart. And when that happens they very rarely grow back together.

how could i be so imature?

how could i be so imature
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"

this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:

couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.

couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.

so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.

kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.

it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?

one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.

i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.

so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.

free advertising.

you may not have noticed i put a link on my "shamelessly stolen from everyone" post. if you didnt, here it is again. its one of my best friends, and he's super talented. so like him, K?

-I'm a cheerleader! -Thats because you look cute in the skirt.

(originally written a few days ago. i'm still swolen and still cant get a doctor.)


This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.

But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.

Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.

So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.

So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.

tell your daddy i said "fuck it."

that dave chapelle moment brought to you by the asshole crack heads who busted out my back passenger window just to take the change out of my car, leaving kesi and me with more debt. i hope you get bad crack and die. DIE!!! the only thing keeping me calm is Sean Paul's "breakout" (the song at the end of the "Temperature" video). and now on to better things...


so James and i met and went to lenox. he looked exactly the same. i really expected a beard or something. we went to Burger King. we all know the "Kang" is my favoritest fast food thingie ever, and he and i made jokes about 7th period, and how we would skip to the dairy queen directly across the street from the school gym. ah...memories.

we talked and walked for 3 hours. it was so cool, a complete stress relief to talk to someone who you know but not really- at least, not like you used to. we talked about our stupid exes, went to brookstone and sat on the massage chairs (my middle school stalker works there- awkward!), kesi, who he apparently had a class with, the perils of an alternative high school, and my plans to get by on my looks... music, old times, new times, work...the double standard that allows women to say, "she's pretty" but keeps men from saying the same thing about other men...

it made me remember that he was like the only one of our crew that i could have a serious convo with or even a not to serious convo, without it drifting off into awkwardness or boredom or one of us turning the conversation into our life story, which the other person inevitably does not care about. he invited my boyfriend and i camping, on as long as i bring a cute friend. does he not know all my cute friends live in a different state? or are guys? i'll be sure to work on that.

got home just in time for LOST. he called me out on my getting a ride from him just to get there before 9pm. superfans gotta do what they gotta do. we promised to do it again and said good night. awesome.