i got a problem ya'll

i really do.

if you dont know, and where have you been, i have a fro. its easy to maintain but my hair tangles easily. so i like to braid it or put it in a ponytail. but... even then it still tangles. and i hate it. and i tend to try to get the tangles out, without proper tools. and i pull my hair out.

that's my problem. i'm always pulling my hair out. i'd rather the hair be gone than have a knot in it. i leave dna everywhere. i have split ends. i think that's why my hair is still the same length since i originally stopped perming it. the front knots less and its longer. i barely mess with it. but the back has yet to touch my shoulders. i been growing my hair since i was 15.

shit ya'll people are starting to notice. this girl at my job and i were talking and she said, why are you always pulling your hair out? i asked kesi and he said he noticed it too. i do it without thinking. its bugging me and i dont wanna be bald!

its a compulsive disorder. its called trichotelomania, or however you spell it. i heard about it a long time ago and the name stayed in the back of my head and i denied it. but now i'm concerned. what can i do? do i need a therapist? help!

no ashanti on this list.

its no secret that i'm scared of lightning. i almost got struck when i was a teen and since then i pretty much need to be under the covers to feel safe. last wednesday i was stuck outside during ernesto's torrent, waiting for kesi to get off work and pick me up. the only thing keeping me from a panicked rage was my music.

*outkast, "Vibrate" "prototype" and "da art of storytellin pt2"
"that's just god doin his work."

*dixie chicks, "changes"
dont judge me! really great remake...

*bjork, homogenic. especially "hunter" and
"all neon like." heavy drums... also, "possibly maybe" from post: "but afterwards i wonder, where's the love you promised me?" deep.

*Erykah badu, "certainly" and "next lifetime"

*busta rhymes, "gimme some more"
the PSYCHO sample goes great with rain.

*deftones, "Lucky you"
this song is just sexy.

*rahiem devaughn, "you"
yes...

*Fiona apple, "Tymps" "oh well" and "pale september"
her voice floats over bad weather.

*incubus, "aqueous transmission"
nice cricket sounds at the end...

*ludacris, "war with god"
unreleased dis track to an unknown rapper. the lady singing does her thing.

*MIA, "amazon"
another song with nature sounds. you could fall asleep if she wasnt talking about being kidnapped...

*maroon 5, "sweetest goodbye"
"how does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone..." pretty good, thanks.

*MCR, "the ghost of you"
*NERD, "provider"
songs about losing love...

*nelly furtado, "Showtime"
"Not fair to love you in chains"

*danity kane "right now"

last but certainly not least...

*TI, "get it"
"cuz i got it bitch."

i was remarkably calm when he finally arrived. the power of music. :)

it aint always easy...

so about a year ago, i started this blog in the hopes of becoming a better person. through that year, alot has happened which has helped and hindered this goal. i feel i am more the person i need to be, but in some areas i still need help. i started off on this journey because i was afraid of being the reason i'd lose the best thing that ever happened to my life, and lose the future we were making for ourselves. with that said, here's a look at my progress.

me pookie... hi.
him shup. what you doin?
me nothing. definitely not eating. just laying here thinking.
him bout what?
me us. how good you are.
him freak.
me not like that! i been thinking with all the shit going on with me i might not notice if something was going on with you.
him so what you saying?
me i dont know. maybe i'm not paying attention to you. i wouldnt know.
him what made you think about this?
me i dont know. just watching you make music today. and last night you were telling kit you werent inspired to write or something like that.
him well recently i been feeling a little looked over as far as my feelings about doing things.
me what you mean?
him like me not wanting to do something isnt valid anymore. like with the burger king situation.
me i understand. its just hard to see why that would be such a problem if we were going that way. but that's just that situation.
him i really didnt wanna go there. i told you that before. but we did anyway and my brother ended up being late for work and i was feeling anxious and rushed.
me sorry...

we further debate the lack of food choices...

me and i'm generally stressed and get my mind set on something that'll make me feel better.
him but we could have dropped him off and got you something.
me but when i'm told i cant have it i feel bad cuz it doesnt seem like so much to ask for. like the turtle thing. yeah. i'm a brat.
him it isnt. its just that you come at me with this vibe that puts mad pressure on me. its hard.
me i'm sorry babe. i'm a jerk.

i secretly start crying.

him i know that its not that serious but i hate being thrown off by something so small.
me ok. i'll try to do better.

we continue im-ing and joking around. but i dont necessarilly feel settled...

me how will you live with me the rest of your life? i'm crazy. and lucky.
him what you mean?
me i just am. you think growing up in a big family would teach me how to treat people.
him i'll ignore you when you act crazy. learned that from an old couple. in big families everyone's fighting for attention.
me that'll work. i dont know. i just cant get over how absentmindedly i do things.
him yep.
me i just want our relationship to be like new all the time. and i dont want you to feel something and not tell me. i mean, what if i hadnt asked?

i start to cry again.

him then i'da thrown you down some stairs, lol.
me lol. seriously babe.
him yeah. i woulda said something at some point.
me ok. i just want you to be happy with me.
him are you happy with me?
me of course! you make me feel like... i dont know. i didnt used to think i was supposed to be happy. youre my reward for all the shit i endured. i cant fuck it up.
him lol.
me i'm serious. i'm over here hyperventilating over this. i need you.

pause.

me. this is where you say you need me too...
him lol why you hyperventilating?
me i was crying. alot. my nose hurts.
him lol i do need you baby. now stop crying. i thought you was gangsta!
me i am gangsta! i'll cry and whoop your ass while doing it.
him doubt it.
me its just when i think about losing you it really fucks me up.

we continue to talk and joke. we ended on a good note and i'm glad we did or it would have just ate away at me.

so i think i'm getting better. i'm not totally caught off guard by my bad behavior... now if i could only stop it before it happens. this past week i've taken it as a lesson learned and i feel like we've grown. still waiting on that turtle.

i really curse alot huh?

retail therapy only works when you have money

so next weekend i was supposed to go to a white party but despite my nag- ahem- asking kesi to request the day off he didnt and he cant go. i was very disappointed because if you notice, everytime i mention going out he's not in those posts. we find it very hard to get the same days off. i still might go, but that's not the point of this entry. the point is i was let down.

today, my day off, i was supposed to get a turtle. i have a $20 petsmart card ready to go but, did you know turtles cost hundreds of dollars? i didnt. i've never had a pet of my own and i was really excited about it being something cool, not like everyone else's dog or cat. i dont have hundreds of dollars and so my sadness continues. i still might get a fish- a few tiny sharks- but once again, not the point.

so i decided to go shop. i also had a $10 target card i was ready to get rid of. but due to my sullenness i spent a half hour wandering around with an empty cart and no real need to buy anything. i had planned to use the card on tank decorations.

i could help one of the problems i was having. at lauren's wise advice, i texted kesi and told him how i was feeling that he didnt listen to me, and that it was part of a bigger problem that had to do with us never going out together. long story short he told me he was sorry and that he loved me, and despite the fact that i might still be spending a night of fun without him, i'm not so distracted by things i didnt say.

with that, i went on a search for work pants. i cant believe things cost more at target than at marshall's all i wanted was black pants. $30! i didnt find pants there, but i did buy my brother some school supplies and get hit on by a guy with a gray beard.

on to marshall's. found a cute skirt for just $3 and an electric blue v-cut sweater that was perfect but too big. i dont think they were supposed to be such a display in the shirt. i sadly put it back after hoping i could find it in my size. i also spied the cutest burgundy pumas, which were so devastatingly hot i took a picture of them. i'm hoping they'll be there when i come back.

i finally found some work pants at ross. stretchy, which is good and bad. they stretch right around my butt and leave nothing to be imagined. but they only cost $8...

after all that i forgot to get bus fare. luckily kesi works really close by.

ms new booty

in high school i got on birth control and my breasts got bigger. not that they were small to start with...but the point is that people noticed. i'm not the one to throw it in people's faces (literally or figuratively) but i dont care if they notice.

now in adulthood, my bike butt has returned. it never went away, but i havent actually been on a bike in ages and in ages has anyone but kesi made comments on my rear. until the short shorts.

i have a pair of shorts that literally only covers my ass. i wore them to a concert (if you seen my myspace page you've seen that whole outfit) and looked sexy but not hoochie. but i had to go to the grocery store first...

and so began old guys buying cereal and saying DAMN! as i walked by. since then its like they put out a memo. joy=booty. i'm not used to this! i cant control the butt. its hard to hide or cover up when not in use. at least when i'm at work i'm not cleavage central, but i have to wear lycra pants...

another thing is that my face, body and brain dont match. i had an older guy -who i'm comfortable with- tell me that men his age would hit on me if they talked to me cuz my mind isnt 22. i can hold my own in an intellectual convo. but if he tried to take me somewhere he'd look like a molester cuz my face is too high school. i actually had a very charming 17 year old hit on me at work cuz he thought i was his age. at least he's got taste...

and maybe that explains 32 year old scooter man.

dont get me wrong. i love my body. i'm glad i'm cute. and i always say that if my butt was flat i'd be sad. to which some nearby guy replies, me too.

romance vs reality: loose change

finally a day off! now onto change.

change is important. change is good. " i never seen change without a fire." -nelly furtado.

but what is the fascination with changing our mates?

my mom-in-law told me a story about a woman she knows. she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of her apartment, but landed on the grass and survived. when they got her to the hospital they found bruises all over her. she didnt want to tell anyone her boyfriend had been beating her for 9 YEARS.

my theory is that she'd been hoping he'd change. she was too scared to leave so she let him keep doing what he wanted in the hopes that one day he'd tire of it. sometimes its cheating, or lying, or just plain being an idiot. but you keep hoping it'll be ok. eventually... and besides, he loves you!

uh no. that's a fantasy. in reality he's a prick and youre wasting your time. he's not the person you want or need and hoping and wishing that he will be is as fruitful as a rain dance. actually, it'll rain eventually. he'll still be a prick.

then there's the polar opposite. the woman who forces change. you got a nice guy, cute, smart... but something's missing. you know what he offer to be a complete man. and you WILL give it to him. whether he wants it or not. he'll thank you! he loves you!

there was an episode of a british comedy called 'coupling,' in which one of the characters has a new boyfriend. when her friends asked when they could meet him she says, 'when he's finished.' she ended up chasing him away with her nitpicking and attempts to make him 'better.'

deal breakers. what is or isnt. we have to know the difference. change is important, but so is letting things go and be what they are. we all have an image of what love should be but we cant force that into the real world. when we get that, we get the love we deserve.

romance vs reality part one: the mary syndrome

dear woman, is this you?
-confident
-cute girl next door who can clean up nice.
-friendly despite what the haters say.
-so unpretentious you've been accused of being a lesbian.
-the one with more male friends than female.

thats just a few- the list goes on but i will not. you have it: the mary syndrome.

we've all seen "there's something about mary," right? they all loved her. she was the object of many men's affections because she was so different from every other girl. all she was was herself. i call it a syndrome not because its a bad thing, but because youre born with it. i have it. lauren does too. that's why bitches be hatin.

this brings me to my heading.

romance. shockingly this refers to the males. its a fantasy. you give them a compliment. put your head on their shoulder. smile and joke. next thing you know theyre in love with you. and you are stuck with the scooby face. you know the one. the one that makes you go, rorgh?

reality. you thought they smelled good that day. you were actually playing cute for the other guy by putting your head on his shoulder. it was a funny joke!

ok, yeah sometimes you flirt. but quite never the syndrome makes your flirt indistinguishable from general niceties. and youre already a pretty girl, and since they've already pictured you naked, your flirting or not flirting turns them into a man milkshake. and not a good one, but one that is melted and sticky.

you manage to make many male friends. they all admit that at one point they had a crush on you. either that or you and he have dated, kissed or had a quick fling that didnt work out as planned. this is the origin of your guy friends: guys who at one point or another wanted you. or are gay. you spend your time trying to find them a girlfriend who will almost surely be jealous of you and him and this friendship you share. if she gets over it, she's marriage material.

ever notice they never try to hook you up with guys? that would ruin the dream. that one day you'll realize you want him and he'll have just what he wants: a best friend he can have sex with and instead of cuddling with after, play San Andreas with.

kesi and i were friends. he even liked one of my friends before me and i encouraged her to try and date him. i implied before that he was just waiting for me to become single but i dont really completely believe that. the good thing about this syndrome is that you are confident enough to make the first move. it has its successes, because you have the fortune of getting to know someone before you make a commitment. this ensures an honest foundation and less arguements.

embrace this phenomenon. you have an allure. it is a gift.

stay tuned for part 2- on the theory of change and why we feel so strongly about it.

you ever been broke put your hands up...

so of course that song's playing when i get in the car. field mob's 1st album. i cant put my hands any higher.

yesterday i found out i need a cosigner for my student loan. this after weeks of thinking the one i had was approved. so now i'm behind. what's really effed up is that i cant apply for the hope grant unless i get a student loan in line.

school starts in 11 days. i really dont think i'll be going. besides the fact i'm still trying to get my money stuff in order, there's a $250 late fee. i'll be damned! i.no wait three months, cuz i dont have that kind of cheese.

my mom just left her job. they're being sued for misappropriation of funds. they didnt find out until a lawyer called and my ma picked up the phone. they were just gonna lead everyone to think everything was fine until the company was gone.

so i'm the only person in the house with a job. sigh.

when will people give me money just for being cute and needy?

daddy.

is anyone really getting moved by the tiger woods nike commercial? every time it comes on i get quiet. i also wish that we had a video camera when i was little.

so after one particular viewing of the commercial i called my dad. we talked for a sec about what he's doing today (My cousin's having a cookout at the park near my old house) and when he was coming down here (a couple weeks). and why he's moving back.

my dad's moving back to the south. not atlanta he said, but maybe georgia. my mother's happy she has someone to fix our shower. i dont know how my brother feels, but he knew first and didnt tell anyone- purposefully or not.

me? all i can say is i'm happy. when my dad left unexpectedly it was odd and somewhat devastating for me. but now he'll be closer physically to me, and that makes me feel more, i dont know, relaxed. for a person who has essentially had lots of family around all the time, the little that i have down here- friends included- means so much to me. no matter if i see them or talk to them, knowing they are near by makes me feel like i can breathe easy. and my dad- my hero guy- he makes me feel the most relaxed.

so here we are on father's day, and i'm feeling fulfilled. i'd like one day to look back on my life with my father like tiger did and see nothing but happiness, love, and closeness. and i'd like to go buy a video camera.

17. without a purpose or direction...

maybe i was just better at it than he is: lying and being sneaky. is that really a good thing?

she found a bottle of bacardi under the guest bed. you'd think he knew better- he's seen his drunk uncle, and that man's drunk sons. and his grandma is a recovering alcoholic. so it was fitting that his mother would wake me with her early morning yelling.

he is only 17. and now dad is coming down to take him back to connecticut to stand under his strict (haha) supervision. just in time for father's day. and i was just gonna send him a text.

what's wrong with my family? i seem to be the only one making sense. when i was 17. i never drank. i dont much drink now. and when i did, i certainly never did it in the house. certainly never left proof! gee whiz.

part of me wants to help him be sneaky. teach him how to skip class and still finish his homework. how to sneak people in and out without her knowing. and part of me is happy to have the house to myself.

and so something's inside of him. something he doesnt wanna share and is drinking away secretly. i'm the big sister and i'm supposed to do something. but what?

My "friend list" is getting smaller...

Once upon a time i gave up on some friends. It was something i cried about. I did it for love- my boyfriend was so insanely jealous about a mutual friend that i had slept with who was still in my life, and in order to keep him i got rid of the friend. Actually it was more than one friend, but one in particular is important right now. It was kind of easy...just ignore the guy. But it was hard too, cuz they noticed i all of a sudden started hanging with different people-'not them' people.

After the guy and i inevitably broke up, i decided to not let anyone who claimed to love me isolate me from people i cared about. Recently i reunited with this frozen out friend, and we began to talk on the phone. We even met once which i wrote about here.

We talked a few more times, and discussed meeting again, but i never had the time and it never really worked out. There were times when i couldnt call, and i would get wierd messages about how i hurt his feelings. Wierd. Once he said he was tired of waiting for me, i started to get a little skeeved. I decided to ask for advice. Kesi said he liked me. Lauren said he liked me. People at work said- ok, you get the idea. And his 'pressure' on me and their general consensus made me feel my relationship was being disrespected. But i also knew he would deny it if i ever told him what i thought was going on.

When i confronted him, of course he denied that he was serious- he wasnt really waiting on me. But i couldnt be swayed. I broke up with my friend again. But this time i couldnt just freeze him out. I've grown up alot since i was 17 and i cant treat things the same. I had this to say.

Were you really kidding? I dont think you were. The whole thing seemed pretty wierd to me. Between that email and the one you sent before saying that i didnt care, there was no indication that you were joking. And you never mentioned it when we were on the phone, though the time i talked to you before i went to ct, you seemed moody then too-kind of mad at me. I dont know what to make of it all but i know that i dont think i can be your friend. Above all else, i feel guilty when i dont talk to you, as if i always have to give an explaination. Its too much pressure, as if i have to try to make this work. I think its great that you found me, but if we were meant to be as good a friends as we were before it wouldnt take so much effort. There's alot going on with me and i'm in a place where i'm comfortable and really like it. I hope you can say the same. I'm doing alot at once in the hopes that i can be who i want to be, and it doesnt leave me much time for other things, especially things and people that i'm not completely sure about. I hope you understand and know that i still carry no bad feelings about you.

And he had this to say.

Look I am sorry to make you feel like that but in all seriousness I was just Joking with you REALLY!!!!!! The only reason I keep going on with that stupid joke is that I thought you knew I was kidding. Maybe my sense of humor is not how you remember but believe me I would never want to do anything to weird you out and another thing is I know you are in a comfortable situation and I would never do anything to jeopardize anything you have. Believe ME. I also do not see why you think it is necessary to get me an explanation its your life you do what you want I dont expect anything from you. Please dont think you ever have to explain anything to me. In addition, what are you trying to make work? We will be friends whether we talk once day or once a year. I not some weirdo who needs constant reassurance from my friends to let me know I alive. One last point what the fuck do mean when you say people your not sure about? If thats what you think then please dont call or email me anymore. Hope you have a good life.

How oddly flip floppy. I havent written him back and i'm not going to. I didnt tell him that i think he has feelings for me because it doesnt really matter. It would only make it seem like history is repeating itself: i'm dropping him for a guy who's jealous. But that's not true at all (lord knows kesi isnt jealous of anyone i've slept with, and has never, not even now, told me who not to be friends with). Its about how i feel, and how i'm too old to be deciphering people's feelings and trying to make a friendship work. My friends and i just click. And i know people grow apart. And when that happens they very rarely grow back together.

is butter a carb?

Ok, its not that i'm fat-i've only gained 15lbs since high school, and i'm still midrange for my height. But that doesnt stop my mom from telling me, seemingly every time she sees me middrift, that she really wishes i would exercise. "because you dont want this to be your future. " of course, she's refering to herself. Her overweight self.

Ok, yes, i do have a bit of a belly and it annoys me, but i'm pretty sure that if i were to do some crunches it would be taken care of. And having my mother tell me what can be interpreted as, "you look cute but not cute enough," can tend to give a chick a complex. I'm pretty sure if i wasnt so strong in mind-and such a food lover- i'd be annorexic.

The funny thing is, she says these things, and i wonder if she really heartfully means it. For one, just the other night, she went grocery shopping and brought back oreos and cookies and cream icecream. Of which i will have none because it'll be gone by the time i realize i want some.when i got upset the last time this happened(when food that was bought for me was eaten before i knew it was there) she said i should keep it in my room or hide it. Contradiction, maybe? i dont want to have to hide foor from my own family.

Also, why so worried about my figure and not your own? I like exercise, hanging in the sun, sweat, running. And i cant tell you how many times she's said she's gonna get on this machine or that machine we have at the house, only to do so once a week and feel accomplished. So is it projection? is she taking out her own self image issues on me? cuz thats just not fair.

yes people in my family have a weight problem, and i dont think its hereditary. i think our lack of will power and low self image is. my grandmother, whose parents were immigrants, came from a land of drought to america, where everywhere you look, there is food. and she ate. still eats. i think its adoreable how she puts a klondike bar on a little plate and eats it with a spoon. only now did i put it together that its probably because she's missing teeth. and she doesnt like to take pictures. she'll gett steaming mad at you if you do. and its carried on to generations. my mother wants to lose weight but wont stop buying junk food. and she looks to me and says, "have you noticed i'm losing weight?" no, but apparently youve noticed all 2.5 pounds i've gained over the past four years, which is all just a result of my not playing softball anymore.

do all parents do this? i dont want to be this way with my daughters... i know she loves me, but all the nagging? it may happen like once a week or so but it feels like every day. i worry about what she might say if i wear this or that, and i'm not comfortable. any suggestions?

how could i be so imature?

how could i be so imature
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"

this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:

couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.

couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.

so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.

kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.

it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?

one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.

i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.

so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.

-I'm a cheerleader! -Thats because you look cute in the skirt.

(originally written a few days ago. i'm still swolen and still cant get a doctor.)


This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.

But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.

Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.

So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.

So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.