My "friend list" is getting smaller...

Once upon a time i gave up on some friends. It was something i cried about. I did it for love- my boyfriend was so insanely jealous about a mutual friend that i had slept with who was still in my life, and in order to keep him i got rid of the friend. Actually it was more than one friend, but one in particular is important right now. It was kind of easy...just ignore the guy. But it was hard too, cuz they noticed i all of a sudden started hanging with different people-'not them' people.

After the guy and i inevitably broke up, i decided to not let anyone who claimed to love me isolate me from people i cared about. Recently i reunited with this frozen out friend, and we began to talk on the phone. We even met once which i wrote about here.

We talked a few more times, and discussed meeting again, but i never had the time and it never really worked out. There were times when i couldnt call, and i would get wierd messages about how i hurt his feelings. Wierd. Once he said he was tired of waiting for me, i started to get a little skeeved. I decided to ask for advice. Kesi said he liked me. Lauren said he liked me. People at work said- ok, you get the idea. And his 'pressure' on me and their general consensus made me feel my relationship was being disrespected. But i also knew he would deny it if i ever told him what i thought was going on.

When i confronted him, of course he denied that he was serious- he wasnt really waiting on me. But i couldnt be swayed. I broke up with my friend again. But this time i couldnt just freeze him out. I've grown up alot since i was 17 and i cant treat things the same. I had this to say.

Were you really kidding? I dont think you were. The whole thing seemed pretty wierd to me. Between that email and the one you sent before saying that i didnt care, there was no indication that you were joking. And you never mentioned it when we were on the phone, though the time i talked to you before i went to ct, you seemed moody then too-kind of mad at me. I dont know what to make of it all but i know that i dont think i can be your friend. Above all else, i feel guilty when i dont talk to you, as if i always have to give an explaination. Its too much pressure, as if i have to try to make this work. I think its great that you found me, but if we were meant to be as good a friends as we were before it wouldnt take so much effort. There's alot going on with me and i'm in a place where i'm comfortable and really like it. I hope you can say the same. I'm doing alot at once in the hopes that i can be who i want to be, and it doesnt leave me much time for other things, especially things and people that i'm not completely sure about. I hope you understand and know that i still carry no bad feelings about you.

And he had this to say.

Look I am sorry to make you feel like that but in all seriousness I was just Joking with you REALLY!!!!!! The only reason I keep going on with that stupid joke is that I thought you knew I was kidding. Maybe my sense of humor is not how you remember but believe me I would never want to do anything to weird you out and another thing is I know you are in a comfortable situation and I would never do anything to jeopardize anything you have. Believe ME. I also do not see why you think it is necessary to get me an explanation its your life you do what you want I dont expect anything from you. Please dont think you ever have to explain anything to me. In addition, what are you trying to make work? We will be friends whether we talk once day or once a year. I not some weirdo who needs constant reassurance from my friends to let me know I alive. One last point what the fuck do mean when you say people your not sure about? If thats what you think then please dont call or email me anymore. Hope you have a good life.

How oddly flip floppy. I havent written him back and i'm not going to. I didnt tell him that i think he has feelings for me because it doesnt really matter. It would only make it seem like history is repeating itself: i'm dropping him for a guy who's jealous. But that's not true at all (lord knows kesi isnt jealous of anyone i've slept with, and has never, not even now, told me who not to be friends with). Its about how i feel, and how i'm too old to be deciphering people's feelings and trying to make a friendship work. My friends and i just click. And i know people grow apart. And when that happens they very rarely grow back together.