why do i do these things to myself???

what do you get when you add this....



and this?


well, you get this.



morphthing.com, youre making my uterus ache. thank you.

PS: you can see kesi's moustsche. weird. and the fact that neither pic had a visible hairline shows too. lol.

Ask and she shall receive.

*Rashan. Please look back to Feb when I wrote about camping, "Jameil doesn't like camping" or something like that, to read about the guy who's in love with mariah Carey. Suffice it to say that she's the only woman he's ever loved, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he changed his status to reflect his actions today. His profile pic is still Mimi though.

*apparently TI isn't on house arrest... Or something? Bah. Anyway he was giving away $100 an hour as part of a radio promotion/ community service. How do you calculate that though? Is it a whole weekend of service, or just when they tell you to call in? Btw I didn't call in. I had to work.

*I'm finally off! Yay! This was a hard won day off too man. I'm not gonna tell you how my feet hurt, I was on my period, and I had a little meltdown in the bread aisle at the Kroger. I'd just like to thank my baby for putting up with me while simultaneously putting me in my place.

*well, what can I say. I'm 11 days closer to Miami..

*still can't tell you about the work drama. But it got a tad juicier, and some faces got tightened, lol. But its all good for the Joy!

*kesi's mom got me a sundress! And it has yellow in it, so... Also blue, green, purple, and fuschia. Its black backgrounded, yet still summery. And can we point out that this was kinda out of nowhere? She's so nice! I'll take a "speech" anyday if they come with presents.

*the evil manager is still a dirty bitch... And no one will stand up for her

*got me some haagen dazs cookie dough icecream. Its good but it wasn't soft! Like, usually when I buy blue bell, and I first open it, its soft. But not the HD. I had to fight it... But it was still good, and it kinda kept me from eating too much...

*Look! I turned one post into 2! Lol. I'm still delirious from working, but I think I'll be better tomorrow. We're going to chili's! I have not been there in a... Possibly ever, really. I mean my bf/ BIL's/ brother works for their competitor, so why would I? But who wants to go eat what they cook all day? Not Kesi. So we're going to chili's to hang out with our friend dani. We haven't seen her in like 2 years, when she and another friend performed at this showcase. People used to think we were related in high school. I think its cuz we were the same shade of brown. You know how people are. So we expect to hear that tomorrow. Until then, holla!

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Half truths

I don't remember the first time I thought it, but I remember the first time I said it. We were at Reka's fam's house for thanksgiving and talking about baby names. Some how the convo turned to relationships in general, and I said it.

"I'm the best girlfriend any of my exes has ever had."

I believed it then. And until recently I still believed it. Here's why I did:

I call myself the cheerleader. I am 100% behind any guy I date. As long as he's behind me. And if he's not, then why are we together? I believe in the man I'm with. Also, after me, its all downhill for dude. I keep em in line. I've had boyfriends who are now crazy, ex cons, baby daddies, addicts, etc. Never a hint of it when we were together. And onward, I'm shallow. Of course I think I'm the shit! And they did too.

Here's why my view has changed:

I received a MySpace message from a man named Brian. Brian and I dated for 3 months when I was 14 and then broke up. He was asking if I still remembered him and how I was doing, yadda yadda. How nice. I showed the picture to kesi and he said he didn't remember dude- we often share MySpace peeps from our old school. Later, I receive another message from dude with all kinds of talk of high school sweetheart this and that, complete with a link to Brian mcknight's "anytime." wtf? Mind you, I dated dude 10 years ago and have since almost had a baby and am now with my TRUE high school sweetheart.

Ok, so this gives me a laugh. But then I think of my quote, and now I'm thinking of how I treated Brian. I really only started dating him to make another guy jealous. I knew he liked me and that his feelings for me were a lot bigger than mine for him. I accidentally told him I loved him one time- I said it like, "I love this guy, he's funny"- and I didn't know how to take it back, and he'd say it every chance he'd get. I broke up with him over Christmas break; didn't even buy him a present! After he said to my friend that sex before marriage was wrong I knew we were doomed. I was a virgin, and I didn't wanna do it with him, but still. (Lauren said I'm mean cuz I broke up with a dude for not putting out.) He would write me letters asking to get back with me every time I broke up with someone. EVERY TIME!

I was not the best girlfriend he ever had. I wasn't even a good one. But for some reason he thinks I was. Does that make it partially true? I never wrote him back- what could I say? In my mind I was thinking, man you got two kids (he's not married btw) and we haven't seen each other in years. What makes you think you're crossing my mind? But that's mean, no? And haven't I been mean enough to him?

So an addendum: I am the best girlfriend my boyfriend has ever had.

That will never be a lie.
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dear friend,

sigh. how have you been? we havent spoken lately, but that's to be expected. so many reasons. but youre on my mind and you should know. good and bad... youre on my mind.

i try. i do. i try to stay out of my friends' love lives because i have a generally optimistic view and always hope things will go right, but sometimes right isnt what we hope it is. you can guarantee that the first thing out of my mouth will be, you all can work it out. even if its not meant to be. even if i dont think they're good enough for you- as the case may be with another of my friends. its important for you to be happy. and that's why i'm blogging this rather than calling you. that, and i hate confrontations.

i noticed an interesting dynamic in your current relationship. i've been there. i hate to say it but i've been thinking it for so long. it reminds me of mine with my ex. you remind me of him sometimes and i hate that in you. you know i love you but i would never want another person to be treated the way he treated me. no matter how i feel about them. i was completely wrapped in him and his interests were elsewhere. sound familiar? i know you have love for this person but do they know how you cried over someone else? about the time you and this other person spent together? innocent or not. its still a secret and secrets hurt.

think about your parents. how you say they would argue about things that happened a long time ago. when you were little. before you were even born. things that should have been resolved years ago. and look at the result. i know you dont want to be that way. you have a good heart. you try to spare feelings. stop it. say how you feel and be honest. who do you love that doesnt deserve the truth? you think that maybe they cant handle it. but is it you who cant handle how they would react?

i say these things because i really do love you and its hard and it hurts. sometimes time invested is a lesson learned. i want people to have the true impression of who you are. but do you know who that is? can you put that out toward everyone? this is not just about your love relationship, but about our relationship too. you come to me and ask me things and make confessions and sometimes its to different from day to day that i dont know what to make of it.

think about what i'm saying. that is, if you read my blog... its all from the heart. trust me. know that i have your back. i want you to be happy. the cards have to be laid out. its the only way.

-K-

WARNING: the following post is pretty deep.

sometimes i imagine revenge. not of the torturous sort, but i want to be such a great person that he realizes what a crazy ass he was. and what he lost. self torture i guess.

i remember what he looked like last time i saw him. above all else, he was bald. (must admit, that made it easier for me.) didnt even look like the boy i once knew. so molded to what he thought was cool at this point in time. used to be me. my friends. now he was a gangster.

i'd known him for years. since i'd known lauren. we were friends and then one day he sent me a note saying he liked me. we started dating and literally one week later he told me he was in love with me. i told him i was too. (was i? doubt it. and maybe i shouldnt have said it back. but i know i had love for him and i didnt want to hurt him) so here we are, young and in love. and i didnt know then, neither of us did, that you cant really be in love and be depressed. because you dont love yourself and you cant love someone without loving yourself.

but we tried. we ended up being that person in your own head who agrees and says, youre never wrong- the world is wrong. when i'd be pissed at this or that thing he'd say, forget that. i'm here. i would assume, naively, that everything would be ok as long as we were together. we had no real future plans. he was gonna join the army and i'd be there too, as support i guess.

and yes, i got pregnant. i think about it on occasion and acknowledge that its bittersweet that we lost that child. i am relieved i'm not stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life. not the first in the line of women who bore his children. (he has 3 now.) though it was my dream at the time. and we were gonna run away because of course our parents would not approve and they'd try to run our lives and taint our unborn. his words not mine. fuck, i could have really ruined my life. do you know that most spousal abuse starts with isolation from the support system?

we stayed together for two years. i guess. we werent to together after he moved away. his family moved a long drive away and i barely saw him. but we talked every day. even when he got a job. then he did something i wouldnt expect. he stopped talking to me. maybe i should have seen it coming. he was a jealous guy and had recently found out i was once involved with someone he absolutely hated. i dont think he'd ever gotten over it. it would give him nightmares. i finally caught up with him and he told me we both knew it wasnt gonna work out. i was devastated. i was still convinced that we were gonna be together forever. (i never say that kesi and i will be together forever. it makes our relationship more fantasy than reality. clearly i was all fairytale back then.) i was also convinced we'd get back together. and we did.

life was good again. until one day he called me to say he was leaving. he'd shot someone. and "some people" were looking for him. he'd call soon. but we were still together. figuratively. we hadnt been in sync for at least 6 months. he had no idea of my daily life, my changes and growth. i had no idea he had been in jail, and fathering his first child. or even that he was back here in ga. didnt he think i'd care? some days i wondered if he was even alive.

but when i found out... it was like a switch flipped. i cried once. let it out. then i decided 2002 was gonna be the year i made myself happy. i was a new person no one got to see me mope around over him anymore. i took the whole thing as a lesson learned. and i knew that no matter what came i wouldnt be controled. it would all be my decision. i was once invited to go with a friend to see his second child. i was ok with the idea and knew i could be happy for him if his life was what he wanted it to be. i was subsequently uninvited by his wife, a former friend, who said she couldnt get over what i did to him. it made me wonder what he put into her head. if some of the things he led her to were the same things he led me to. if he was happy in his life and love as i was.

i look back at these events, sans emotion, and think of how that was really me. how i've changed. i cant regret it because it made me who i am and helped me appreciate real love when it finally came to me.

either way, i hope he's sorry. i hope one day he can tell me so. i think of torture because that's what i felt sometimes. like i could never be without him. i'm glad i learned i can.

best wedding ever

at least til i get married...

i went to my friend's wedding yesterday. i've known her since we were 15 and she was the one who introduced me to kesi. i was really excited about being there because she's one of those people where, if she's getting married, you know its for real.

before i get to the ceremony, lets talk outfits. i wore a brown dress with blue and cream dots on it. its low cut, halter, very sarah jessica. the boobs were on display. brown strappy nine wests, my birthday coach clutch, and a cream wool shawl. sexay. it'll be on my myspace page soon. the boy wore a cream shirt with an ivory/cream paisley tie and black pants with black stacey adams shoes. even a pocket watch. stop playin! ow! too much for ya'll.

the ceremony was simple but beautiful. the bridesmaids had really nice teal strapless gowns and her lil sis was the junior bride. right before she came out a cute lil kid, who i later found out was her stepson(!), came out with a bell and yelled, the bride is coming! how cute! i considered kidnapping him too.

she looked BEAUTIFUL. white strapless with her hair up and a tiara. i almost cried. i mean, we met in 9th grade science and now she's walking down the aisle, truly in love with a guy who is certainly her match.

her father in law did the ceremony, could you imagine? i could see him try to hide his pride. there were two songs, one by the best man and one by a bridesmaid. when they finished i wanted to clap but no one else did and i didnt wanna show out, lol.

they lit the unity candle, which was like, cute cuz one of the tapers went out so they held the other one together. thinking on their toes! after that was rings and bride "saluting," then we went to the reception downstairs.

we sat with a few high school friends and our magnet program director. i dont know if there are any teachers i'd invite to my wedding. except dad, but he's a given. no matter how much you eat before a wedding, you will always be hungry waiting for the wedding party to finish taking photos! i think i'll let people eat before we get back. just save me a plate. geez. we jammed to stevie wonder and reminisced until they came.

finally they got back and i got to hug my friend and meet her husband, and stepson. they are both are great and she's just so happy. i was literally that good kind of jealous where you know a person is so happy and youre like, i want it too! the little one is a dream. i told him he did his thing with the bell, and he did that lil sly backhand motion and says, "yup," like he's just too fly! how cute! we took some pictures and she and kesi chose to take a "gangsta" pose. too freakin funny.

we did the bouquet thing, and i didnt catch it. i did catch a bow to the face... the bride's little sister caught it. but guess who caught the garter? lol, we all know traditionally he's supposed to put it on the one who caught the bouquet, but seeing as how she's 10, i just put it in my purse. perfect souvenir.

then the live band started playing. here's the thing though: groom on piano, bride and best man singing. crazy! so you get married and then do a concert? what? i hadnt heard her sing since we were in school. the girl is so talented. she would compose songs on a whim. i'm still supposed to teach her to play violin... so anyway they sang 3 songs, one original, and i taped some of it on my phone. after that we did the electric slide (naturally) and went on home.

great wedding. i'm glad we connected again so i could be there to see it. i've been to 6 and this is the only one i was completely amazed over.

all dogs go to heaven.

so my nights were great, barring a few incidents. here we go...

friday i went out to the royal peacock, as per usual. it was just me, B and two of his friends who are fast becoming my friends. funny enough, their names begin with A and C. i think, in my quest to not use people's names, i shall call the trio ABC.

So anyway, somehow people at work found out we were going out. natural progression; we made these plans last week. but one of these people was the hater. another was mr not gay. btw i dont at all call him that because i think being gay is wrong, i call him that cuz he does. they called B and me to find out what was up. Not Gay said he'd go if someone was paying his way and Hater wanted B to run her all over town so she could get ready. he said no and she hung up on him.

so off we go at midnight. i wore low rise jeans and a peach colored tank with a flower on it. also my white and peach pumas and glow perfume. hair half braids half fro. B's car alarm system was bootleg so as i open the door it goes off. when you turn on a light it goes off. it was janky. Hater calls on the way to ask if he'd come get her from home. he says no and they argue. lol he called her snaggle tooth. i told him to thank god he wasnt with her anymore.

fast forward. we're in the club and i look mad important cuz i have three boys with me. lol or like a ho. the important thing is if i dont want to dance with kingston's exile, i can give them a look and they come save me. A asked if he was my bodyguard. i said yes. i'm not drinking tonight cuz i cant afford it. thanks comcast.

so at about 230, in the depths of a soca mix, who shows up? Hater! and mr Not Gay and Hater's best friend. we'll call her Doll. so they jump in and start dancing and drinking immediately. i'm the only one sober, lol, but no biggie. i usually only get one drink anyway... these girls cannot dance to soca. or any caribbean music. it was all southern booty shaking from them. dont get me wrong i love my down dirty, but you gotta know how to at least wind it up people. you gotta know how to react to a man doing more than a two step.

every time i tried to dance with B, here she was trying to cut in. see why i call her hater? she was definitely choosin. but he was not trying to get chose. C on the other hand... he and Doll were trying to expand their family on the dancefloor. lots of head rubbing and major groping and grinding. they danced for an hour. haaaay...

one of the guys i danced with bought me a bottled water- closed ladies! no date rape drug! how nice. i mean, no questions asked. just as a thanks. i found $10 on the floor. LUCKY! Not Gay got drunk/high and started doing interpretive dance or something. then they played "chichi mon." dont know if youve heard it but its about how the jamaicans dont tolerate the chichi men. you know what a chichi man is. blatant intolerance, and possibly a hint?

the lights come on. we look a mess. the back of my fro is a different texture than the rest. sweat, foundation stains, soreness. i took off my bra in the car. i brought a sweatshirt so i could cover up.

driving home we roasted Hater and them and joked about the fun we had. somewhere on the West End, we're the only ones on the road, looking for the house where the man sells rims, when i look ahead...

"OH MY GOD YOURE GONNA HIT THE DOG!" I scream and duck into the back seat.

wow, havent even gotten to X's party. guess this is as good a time for a cliffhanger. part two soon.

it aint always easy...

so about a year ago, i started this blog in the hopes of becoming a better person. through that year, alot has happened which has helped and hindered this goal. i feel i am more the person i need to be, but in some areas i still need help. i started off on this journey because i was afraid of being the reason i'd lose the best thing that ever happened to my life, and lose the future we were making for ourselves. with that said, here's a look at my progress.

me pookie... hi.
him shup. what you doin?
me nothing. definitely not eating. just laying here thinking.
him bout what?
me us. how good you are.
him freak.
me not like that! i been thinking with all the shit going on with me i might not notice if something was going on with you.
him so what you saying?
me i dont know. maybe i'm not paying attention to you. i wouldnt know.
him what made you think about this?
me i dont know. just watching you make music today. and last night you were telling kit you werent inspired to write or something like that.
him well recently i been feeling a little looked over as far as my feelings about doing things.
me what you mean?
him like me not wanting to do something isnt valid anymore. like with the burger king situation.
me i understand. its just hard to see why that would be such a problem if we were going that way. but that's just that situation.
him i really didnt wanna go there. i told you that before. but we did anyway and my brother ended up being late for work and i was feeling anxious and rushed.
me sorry...

we further debate the lack of food choices...

me and i'm generally stressed and get my mind set on something that'll make me feel better.
him but we could have dropped him off and got you something.
me but when i'm told i cant have it i feel bad cuz it doesnt seem like so much to ask for. like the turtle thing. yeah. i'm a brat.
him it isnt. its just that you come at me with this vibe that puts mad pressure on me. its hard.
me i'm sorry babe. i'm a jerk.

i secretly start crying.

him i know that its not that serious but i hate being thrown off by something so small.
me ok. i'll try to do better.

we continue im-ing and joking around. but i dont necessarilly feel settled...

me how will you live with me the rest of your life? i'm crazy. and lucky.
him what you mean?
me i just am. you think growing up in a big family would teach me how to treat people.
him i'll ignore you when you act crazy. learned that from an old couple. in big families everyone's fighting for attention.
me that'll work. i dont know. i just cant get over how absentmindedly i do things.
him yep.
me i just want our relationship to be like new all the time. and i dont want you to feel something and not tell me. i mean, what if i hadnt asked?

i start to cry again.

him then i'da thrown you down some stairs, lol.
me lol. seriously babe.
him yeah. i woulda said something at some point.
me ok. i just want you to be happy with me.
him are you happy with me?
me of course! you make me feel like... i dont know. i didnt used to think i was supposed to be happy. youre my reward for all the shit i endured. i cant fuck it up.
him lol.
me i'm serious. i'm over here hyperventilating over this. i need you.

pause.

me. this is where you say you need me too...
him lol why you hyperventilating?
me i was crying. alot. my nose hurts.
him lol i do need you baby. now stop crying. i thought you was gangsta!
me i am gangsta! i'll cry and whoop your ass while doing it.
him doubt it.
me its just when i think about losing you it really fucks me up.

we continue to talk and joke. we ended on a good note and i'm glad we did or it would have just ate away at me.

so i think i'm getting better. i'm not totally caught off guard by my bad behavior... now if i could only stop it before it happens. this past week i've taken it as a lesson learned and i feel like we've grown. still waiting on that turtle.

i really curse alot huh?

romance vs reality: loose change

finally a day off! now onto change.

change is important. change is good. " i never seen change without a fire." -nelly furtado.

but what is the fascination with changing our mates?

my mom-in-law told me a story about a woman she knows. she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of her apartment, but landed on the grass and survived. when they got her to the hospital they found bruises all over her. she didnt want to tell anyone her boyfriend had been beating her for 9 YEARS.

my theory is that she'd been hoping he'd change. she was too scared to leave so she let him keep doing what he wanted in the hopes that one day he'd tire of it. sometimes its cheating, or lying, or just plain being an idiot. but you keep hoping it'll be ok. eventually... and besides, he loves you!

uh no. that's a fantasy. in reality he's a prick and youre wasting your time. he's not the person you want or need and hoping and wishing that he will be is as fruitful as a rain dance. actually, it'll rain eventually. he'll still be a prick.

then there's the polar opposite. the woman who forces change. you got a nice guy, cute, smart... but something's missing. you know what he offer to be a complete man. and you WILL give it to him. whether he wants it or not. he'll thank you! he loves you!

there was an episode of a british comedy called 'coupling,' in which one of the characters has a new boyfriend. when her friends asked when they could meet him she says, 'when he's finished.' she ended up chasing him away with her nitpicking and attempts to make him 'better.'

deal breakers. what is or isnt. we have to know the difference. change is important, but so is letting things go and be what they are. we all have an image of what love should be but we cant force that into the real world. when we get that, we get the love we deserve.

romance vs reality part one: the mary syndrome

dear woman, is this you?
-confident
-cute girl next door who can clean up nice.
-friendly despite what the haters say.
-so unpretentious you've been accused of being a lesbian.
-the one with more male friends than female.

thats just a few- the list goes on but i will not. you have it: the mary syndrome.

we've all seen "there's something about mary," right? they all loved her. she was the object of many men's affections because she was so different from every other girl. all she was was herself. i call it a syndrome not because its a bad thing, but because youre born with it. i have it. lauren does too. that's why bitches be hatin.

this brings me to my heading.

romance. shockingly this refers to the males. its a fantasy. you give them a compliment. put your head on their shoulder. smile and joke. next thing you know theyre in love with you. and you are stuck with the scooby face. you know the one. the one that makes you go, rorgh?

reality. you thought they smelled good that day. you were actually playing cute for the other guy by putting your head on his shoulder. it was a funny joke!

ok, yeah sometimes you flirt. but quite never the syndrome makes your flirt indistinguishable from general niceties. and youre already a pretty girl, and since they've already pictured you naked, your flirting or not flirting turns them into a man milkshake. and not a good one, but one that is melted and sticky.

you manage to make many male friends. they all admit that at one point they had a crush on you. either that or you and he have dated, kissed or had a quick fling that didnt work out as planned. this is the origin of your guy friends: guys who at one point or another wanted you. or are gay. you spend your time trying to find them a girlfriend who will almost surely be jealous of you and him and this friendship you share. if she gets over it, she's marriage material.

ever notice they never try to hook you up with guys? that would ruin the dream. that one day you'll realize you want him and he'll have just what he wants: a best friend he can have sex with and instead of cuddling with after, play San Andreas with.

kesi and i were friends. he even liked one of my friends before me and i encouraged her to try and date him. i implied before that he was just waiting for me to become single but i dont really completely believe that. the good thing about this syndrome is that you are confident enough to make the first move. it has its successes, because you have the fortune of getting to know someone before you make a commitment. this ensures an honest foundation and less arguements.

embrace this phenomenon. you have an allure. it is a gift.

stay tuned for part 2- on the theory of change and why we feel so strongly about it.

love and marriage...

unlike my blog homie jameil, i so wanna get married. i think the boy and i started talking about it 6 months in. please note we had been friends for 3 or so years by then. i even remember one day seeing his uncle at burger king and being introed as his fiance, just to see how uncle would react. that day i told him he was not allowed to propose in the fast food joint.

so what's keeping us? money. we are two broke college students with full time jobs and hella bills. we would not be able to afford the momentous event that would be the wedding i have planned in my head. i always say the only thing that would let me get married now is the lottery. and i dont play.

we've had a few friends get married since high school. all of them are divorced. i think we could've suffered the same fate if we were in a hurry. but having a "boyfriend" for the past four years is great and allows us to still grow separately and together. but now i'm confident in saying the only thing keeping me from marrying him is circumstance.

my friend brandi is getting married in a few months. i think she's prepared. i'm excited for her. i've also known her for 7 years- she introduced me to kesi- and seen her go from who she was then to who she is now, and the way she talks about her guy, its more than a whim, or a duty, or anything thats not complete. i'm looking for a cute green dress to wear to the ceremony so i wont clash.

i'm glad that my parents didnt get married. they dont belong together that way. they are great as friends and can talk and joke, but as a couple, my ma is way more mature than my dad. he left to get some tools and we havent seen him since yesterday. he'd do that when they were together too, and of course, arguements insued. (side note: i do the same thing, but seeing how it bugs her, i try to call and say i'm not coming home.) but now she doesnt care other than getting her sink fixed. plus my dad still tells people he's 17. which is believable, despite having a 22 year old daughter.

love and marriage. sigh. i dont think it should be an institution cuz its not for everyone. but someday it'll be for me.

very quiet lives.

i used to think men and women could be friends. now, i dont know.

kesi was my friend. turns out he had a longstanding crush on me. was it just friendship or waiting?

i think the male friend is a rare case. we enlightened women think we are really on to something when we choose to have more male friends than the ones who 'keep up too much drama.' i dont know if we've got the right idea.

men keep up just as much shit. especially if you have a boyfriend already. you talk to them on the phone, hang out, laugh and joke, and if you dont have a secure boyfriend it can get really uncomfortable. is that his plan? does he want you to defend your friendship until the day you and your man inevitably break up and he's left to comfort you right into his bed? think ross, rachel and mark.

and what do we want? a person with no tricks up their sleeves. who wont steal our man. or stretch out that dress you let them borrow. who you can watch a game with and not have to explain what fielder's choice is. there seem to be plenty of women who agree with me, so lets us hang out and forget dudes.

as i said there are rare exceptions who maybe dont wanna do you- as much. a gay guy is always good. also one of your boyfriend's friends or a cousin... or a brother! or how about a friend's brother? a drag queen? what fun to have options.

i have two main male friends. one is a co worker who dates another coworker. his girlfriend is ALWAYS THERE. and looking at her, i'm clearly not his type. the other is more interested in a friend of mine and clearly i'm not his type either. i stick with them cuz they are slightly less interested in my ass than the average man.

i like having guy friends. but i have to remember what one of them said about their own gender: "we lead quiet lives of desperation."

how could i be so imature?

how could i be so imature
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"

this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:

couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.

couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.

so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.

kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.

it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?

one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.

i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.

so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.