"You must be on your period"

Usually such a remark stated to me would warrant a swift cussing out, but this time was different.

It was about a month ago, and I had walked into starbucks for some reason. It was official that I would be working there within the week. When I mentioned it to Breezy and the other person who was in there, they responded jokingly, "what about the Evil Supervisor?" I responded, with all kinds of poison in my tone, "she can go suck a fat one."

The recoil was amazing. I mean they were simply shocked at what came out of my mouth. I laughed at that. And then Breezy said, "damn, you must be on your period."

"what?!"

"yup. I know my Joy." I mean, he'd never uttered that phrase to anyone in my presence, so I know he doesn't just say it... And he was right.

"I know my Joy." even to my best friends, I don't like to seem predictable. So that phrase bugged me more than his having my menstrual calendar memorized.

More recently, I was riding home with Kesi and discussing some hypothetical wherein I gets disrespected, and what he would do in the situation.

"I wouldn't have to do much."

"why?"

"because I know you, you'd have it handled."

See, Kesi always thinks I'm quick to pop off when I feel disrespected, and he, of course is right. I tend to not wait for someone to jump to my honor; I get loud instead. The thing about it is, this has not occurred in a long time. I mean, some years its been since I've really had to let someone have it (in all seriousness) in his presence.

He also claims that he let's people (like our friends thurm and Jeremy) say things that may set me off just so he can hear my response. Because he "knows" I'll say something crazy.

I guess that's not the same as being predictable, that last one, but its still weird.

I guess there are worse ways for people to respond to me. At least I'm not boring... But I never figured I could be pinned down, even by those that have known me so closely for so long. I'm sure Lauren and Bre could pick out a few of my character responses that I didn't know were so obvious. To have a person say they "know" you is a bit of a jar to your system, or at least mine.

Am I alone in this? Am I just wilding? Lol. I felt like going all maury on them, "you don't know me son!" even though I suppose its a good thing that people are so invested in me and actually care. Yeah? Yeah.

Tomorrow: jury duty! Bah.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

the new addition.

"i'm not going to attack you..."
"I know that. i was just thinking aloud."

actually i wasnt. i was passive aggressively letting this man- nice enough to drive me home- know i would stab him if he tried anything. mentioning that the knife in my purse needed to be replaced. and his calling me out on my bull was the start of my friendship with B.

hard to believe now he was so quiet when he first started working at the hotel. i cant remember how long it took for him to tell me we went to the same high school. i dont remember him from there, though we've probably been crossing paths since i first moved to east point. he lived a mile away from my old house and one of his best friends was in class with kesi. also he had english with my brother. the list goes on.

he started driving me and others home. that's him: worried about your safety and things. also, a young drinker. B looks like my older brother (literally, same skin tone, natural hair, big guy: 200 footballish lbs) but in reality he just turned 21 last week. but we'd go drinking last winter cuz he knows people. alcohol will bring people closer. when we'd be headed home, we'd talk about the girls who liked him from work. there are quite a few; he's a charmer.

he's the newest of my best friends. my club buddy. i laugh at his love for women. its almost an obsession. remember that joke by dave chapelle about how guys have things to impress women, where dave goes, "gotcha bitch"? i think every time B gets a phone number this goes through his head. i try to give him the neutral female perspective of things and listen to his views.

and he's freakin funny. i think of all things i can count on him to make me laugh during the workday. especially when the Hater is around. they get to arguing or something... but when we're with friends its even better. i cant even describe it over a blog.

the nature of our friendship is, i think, a catalyst. whenever the two of us are in the same area, neither can be in a bad mood. and usually neither are the people in the general area. of course there's seriousness, like with the dog, but its mostly fun. the kind of comfy fun that makes people best friends.

the omen

so last night was A (of ABC's) costume party. fun times. but not without personal issues.

first i couldnt find the previously mentioned gingham dress- i think i gave it to charity. but i have this really cute red calvin klein party dress that fits the idea.

i curled my hair before work so it would be cute for the party, but i couldnt find hair spray. and it was raining. so my hair was cute but not as cute as it coulda been. way too much body. bad sign.

so after work we headed to the party. it was B and me. i wasnt gonna dress up cuz i didnt wanna be the only one, but when i walked in all the girls were dressed so i went to A's room to change. i effed up and broke my zipper on the back of my dress. how many guys does it take to fix a zipper? apparently more than 4. finally i safety pinned it and rocked a scarf around my waist with the tail in the back. put on my shoes and i was ready to go!

A and his sister had some stuff called hunch punch. which was that sherbet and soda deal but with alcohol instead. random alcohol. but it was good. and i was a-drinkin and a-dancin. if my hair hadnt already been messed up it woulda been cuz it was hot in there. only girls had costumes on. there was:

a witch doctor
a fairy- dodged that one...
a sexy cop
a retro chick complete with afro
a cheerleader
a school girl
a home wrecker
many indescriminate costumes and
A's sister as mystique from Xmen.

by like the 3rd drink i was a lil goofy. i hadnt eaten since 5 pm so... no i didnt throw up. the witch doctor was taking pictures and this wack bronx bomber in a pink button down wanted to show off. he grabs my hips and pushes me so i'm bent forward and starts posing and grinding. WHAT? did i say we were having sex? his friend was just as bad. who wears a tie to a house party? everyone else is all tees and jeans, this nigga got on casual friday gear. boo... i need another drink.

at some point i went outside, and who's out there? C! he got the biggest hug. he found me a cute lil turtle in his back yard. how sweet! he had on a yellow rain slicker. i kept calling him "Man in the yellow hat" like curious george. did i mention C is very short? he said he was dressed as jermaine dupri. silliness.

you know, watching white girls dance is funny. you have never experienced life until you dance to a sean paul song with a girl named sally. it was all wiggles and funny faces. of course then mr casual friday starts dancing with me and literally holding me. so C starts singing and it was funny and i fell on the floor laughing. when i got up B was like you know you just didnt want to dance with that guy. true... so me and B start dancing to some slow songs and it was like prom or something. so we started doing little spins and dips. so cute.

so i was talking to the witch doctor later that night, looking at pictures and being friendly, when along comes pink shirt. he sits this girl down, on someone else's lap no less, then proceeds to give her a lap dance. are you kidding? no thanx. he was all, yeah girl, i see you, uh huh. ew. so i'm looking at pics, all 200 of them, and pink shirt wraps his arm around me and grabs the camera once he sees a picture of himself. then shows his friend the picture of me and him and states that i was "Representin." whatever. now i was moving backward from 200 and had gotten to 95 when he takes it completely out of my hands and starts flipping in the opposite direction. mind you, he's still got his arm around my neck. i move him and get up and go to A's room to ask who the hell invited this piece of wackness.

in A's room i start taking pictures. also i mention that i hope he's washed his sheets cuz we were lying on his bed. eventually we went back in the den and danced some more. the party had to end at 4 because of party laws- so we walked it out and people left. we stayed for a few more minutes, for no particular reason. A said i was gonna be his baby's daddy in 30 years, which is as wrong as it seems. B tried to holler at the retro chick as we were leaving. cute.

in all, its a fun time. next year, mark my words, i'm going as a dominatrix.

part two: lets have babies now!

So when we last left me i was ducking in the back of the F150 so i wouldnt see us inevitably hit the dog, which looked like charlie from "All dogs go to heaven."

my eyes were shut tight, and my mind saw the poor doggie dying under the wheels of this big truck. i hear a bump, and after what seems like forever i get up.

"You hit it! oh my god. we killed it!" i look back but the road swerved and i couldnt see. C and B alternate what sounds like chanting: it got up. it got up.

"Are you sure?"

"I hit the break and the right tire hit it. should i go back?"

"No, i dont wanna see the dead dog!"

"Its not dead! it got up!"

"are you sure?"

it went on like this for a minute. i was hysterical. i know i felt something, but that was a big dog. maybe we didnt hit it. B prayed for it anyway. it was the most endearing prayer. "please let the dog live, but if it dies please know i would never kill any of your creation." i cosigned that the dog have someone who cares about it and will find it and nurse it.

it was quieter in the car until we got to campbellton and the hater called for the first time since we left her. lots of where are you's and what you doin's... booty call. later they went to ihop without me, which i believe was purposeful on her part; she waited til i was gone to ask if he wanted to go. boo. everyone knows i love ihop! but i went home and went to sleep. 5am. i was tired.

the next day i woke at 1, did some laundry, and kesi and i headed to X's 23rd birthday party. he's my oldest friend. oldie. i mock his oldness.

we went to anthony's, which i'd been to before but didnt know it. i call it food amnesia. it was so good i wanted it to be new again. X was an hour late to his own party. no matter how he argues, i know its true because he drunk dialed me the night before and said 630, 7 cp time. we were there by 7 despite getting turned around. i bought him a shirt with riley from the boondocks on it which he loved.

we sat in the italian equivalent of a booth, near pix of james dean and the beatles. i was so hungry. i ordered eggplant parm with spaghetti and challenged X to a game of pool. i lost, but not badly. i only play good when i drink. i kicked ass on my birthday after two midori sours.

the place was packed with people, some whom i've known since high school, people X raps with- he's super talented and so is his crew, and his family. his ex was there; they're still cool even though she was crazy for a minute. i decided to be nice to her and not flat out ignore her after she was a bitch to my friends. he has another friend named joy, and he found pleasure in saying, "hey joy!" and watching us both turn around.

these people are the most made for each other group ever. fun times. most of the night was spent laughing at inside jokes.

after i had eaten half of my delicious dinner and gotten a doggie bag, X's cousin jayla arrived. she's 8 months old. she stole the friggin show. she's adorable! i called her chubby and he goes, "Dont say that! she's smart!" ok... she's also chubby... and cute. when he got up he handed her to me and she immediately started sucking her thumb and put her head on my chest. i looked up at kesi and said, "Lets have babies now!" she stole my heart. he decided to walk away from my delirious ass.

later, she decided it was time to be fed. i had on a pink vickies camisole under a long-sleeved red henley- no bra (In addition to my flare leg jeans and a red scarf. my hair was still a mess from last night). lil jayla pulled down my cami- luckily she doesnt have much of a grip- and almost turned this into a different kind of party. she also passed gas on me. they said, "aw, that means she's comforatable with you!" as a person with at least 20 cousins smaller than me, i handed her off cuz i knew what it really meant. i did not wanna be on diaper duty.

later there was freestyling (funny stuff despite interruptions by parents and phones) and lots of jokes, then the place closed and we headed to the parking lot. kesi pulled out some beats he made. he's very proud of them and i'm proud of him. he makes better music than i do and i'm taking classes for it. and then X pulled out a cd of some of his songs. at this point i started beating on him because despite my asking for at least a year he wouldnt let out anything but what is now on his myspace page. i then hijacked the cd from him. he protested but gave in and i now have 10 songs on my mp3 player. ha! i win.

we talked and kicked it in the lot til 12. it was funny, people i dont know were so familiar. everybody hugs. i might have to steal his friends like i did lauren's dc crew. fun night. i told him to enjoy cuz this'll be the best year of his life.

sigh. that was my weekend.

all dogs go to heaven.

so my nights were great, barring a few incidents. here we go...

friday i went out to the royal peacock, as per usual. it was just me, B and two of his friends who are fast becoming my friends. funny enough, their names begin with A and C. i think, in my quest to not use people's names, i shall call the trio ABC.

So anyway, somehow people at work found out we were going out. natural progression; we made these plans last week. but one of these people was the hater. another was mr not gay. btw i dont at all call him that because i think being gay is wrong, i call him that cuz he does. they called B and me to find out what was up. Not Gay said he'd go if someone was paying his way and Hater wanted B to run her all over town so she could get ready. he said no and she hung up on him.

so off we go at midnight. i wore low rise jeans and a peach colored tank with a flower on it. also my white and peach pumas and glow perfume. hair half braids half fro. B's car alarm system was bootleg so as i open the door it goes off. when you turn on a light it goes off. it was janky. Hater calls on the way to ask if he'd come get her from home. he says no and they argue. lol he called her snaggle tooth. i told him to thank god he wasnt with her anymore.

fast forward. we're in the club and i look mad important cuz i have three boys with me. lol or like a ho. the important thing is if i dont want to dance with kingston's exile, i can give them a look and they come save me. A asked if he was my bodyguard. i said yes. i'm not drinking tonight cuz i cant afford it. thanks comcast.

so at about 230, in the depths of a soca mix, who shows up? Hater! and mr Not Gay and Hater's best friend. we'll call her Doll. so they jump in and start dancing and drinking immediately. i'm the only one sober, lol, but no biggie. i usually only get one drink anyway... these girls cannot dance to soca. or any caribbean music. it was all southern booty shaking from them. dont get me wrong i love my down dirty, but you gotta know how to at least wind it up people. you gotta know how to react to a man doing more than a two step.

every time i tried to dance with B, here she was trying to cut in. see why i call her hater? she was definitely choosin. but he was not trying to get chose. C on the other hand... he and Doll were trying to expand their family on the dancefloor. lots of head rubbing and major groping and grinding. they danced for an hour. haaaay...

one of the guys i danced with bought me a bottled water- closed ladies! no date rape drug! how nice. i mean, no questions asked. just as a thanks. i found $10 on the floor. LUCKY! Not Gay got drunk/high and started doing interpretive dance or something. then they played "chichi mon." dont know if youve heard it but its about how the jamaicans dont tolerate the chichi men. you know what a chichi man is. blatant intolerance, and possibly a hint?

the lights come on. we look a mess. the back of my fro is a different texture than the rest. sweat, foundation stains, soreness. i took off my bra in the car. i brought a sweatshirt so i could cover up.

driving home we roasted Hater and them and joked about the fun we had. somewhere on the West End, we're the only ones on the road, looking for the house where the man sells rims, when i look ahead...

"OH MY GOD YOURE GONNA HIT THE DOG!" I scream and duck into the back seat.

wow, havent even gotten to X's party. guess this is as good a time for a cliffhanger. part two soon.

hello, pot? this is monica. youre black.

friends, in case you were wondering. one of the funniest lines.

so anyway, i'm at work right now, bloging, cuz in life, bitches be hating. and they always gotta hate over a man. ugh!

it all started with a kind gesture. lets set the scene.

nice chick: i was gonna bring these forms to you. i'm just so kind!
me: thanks. and shallow...(we laugh)... if i
can admit it about myself i can say it about you.
hater: can you admit that youre nosy?

see, right here i could have been like damn who was talking to you. instead, i answered her in my continued lighthearted manner. yes i am nosy, but mostly cuz i'm absent minded and when i tune back in i'm usually lost on the whole conversation whoever was having. they used to call me "Huh" in middle school.

i refused to give in to her passive aggressive silliness. it was highly hypocritical of her to ask me that, when earlier today she was all in mine about why am i going on break so early, and dont i eat at home, and what does anemia have to do with this whole thing... bear in mind i had been at work for 4 hours.

and now the bitches be hating theme song:

"so tell me what you on,
tell me what the hell you want,
need to worry bout your own,
i'm about to put you on blast...
i dont think you really want it..."
danity kane is doin the thang people.

i really think this stems back to her and my friend b. he used to date her, and was the one who said he was torn between kissing her and kicking her. i think she's jealous that we're close and she fucked up her chances with a good man. but i never told him to break up with her. it was obvious he should. but it was hard cuz he really loves her daughter.

now i think she thinks i'm running back to him telling her things. but the truth is, he doesnt care. and she thinks she's being sneaky, talking to like 4 dudes in the hotel, but everyone knows and no one gives a damn. between her and her best friend they are all high school, making their smart comments and spending their time thinking about me and feeling threatened over the fact that i'm cool with their man and former man. and her best friend is not doing a good job of disguising the fact that she's dating someone in our department. boo bitch... i dont want him.

so how long can i let this carry on, her little coy innocent yet snarky thing she's doing? its all just to see me get mad and snap on her so it looks like i'm ms crazy... but i'm a natural born talker, and i know how to have her whole shit laid out for everyone to see. i wouldnt dare incriminate myself so she looks good. i'm to smart for that. and for all she thinks she's got on me, i definitely got something for her.

"breeze... blowing in the wind... baby please believe i'm alright,
cuz its 70 degrees and sunny over here,
you can stay up out my ear."

ps: visit www.laurenashleigh.blogspot.com for other hating bitches.

the more i think about it,

the funnier, or at least more interesting this story is. so i'm telling it. last friday i went to the club. with:

b, my best work friend and the guy who drives me home when i dont wanna take the train.

bri, new chick at work who's as cute- and smart- as a button.

marcia, a night shift regular who feels my pain, and my love of reggae.

denny, a morning shifter from the usvi who has breathing problems and a mantra: i got five kids!

and nadia, also from the islands, whose birthday it was, and who wanted to go out despite not dancing with ANYONE but b.

so friday night we leave work at record time. the royal peacock closes at 4am but we want to have as much fun as a $20 can legally get ya. despite the fact that the club is only a few blocks away, we have to go all the way to nadia's to pick her and denny up.

we get there at about 12:30. i'm the first one dressed in my cute new extra long pink tank and shorts i refer to as "jeans underwear." accessorized with a multicolored sash worn as a belt and a vickie's bra you can almost see through my shirt. whoo that girl was smokin.

an hour, a plum and an orange soda later and we're outa there. we find parking easily and discuss why guys think yelling out a car window is supposed to make a girl with any sense want to answer. we also discussed how b looked like a pimp with 5 scantily clad girls walking down auburn ave with him.

we enter the club after being frisked, wristbanded and serenaded by a toothless crack head singing "i wanna sex you up." we head for the bar and everyone gets a drink including b and bri, who are a litte less than legal.

the music is bumping. many reggae songs i've only heard once. but all it takes is for me to finish my double of malibu- lauren's influence- to get loose enough to dance. and in a reggae club all it takes is a girl with her ass wiggling to magnetize some dude(s).

i'm dancing. bri's dancing, and she's looking like she's gonna be in a video next week. but the guys like it. nadia is of course dancing with b and the others are getting their individual grooves on. we see j, another islander who works downstairs from us. he's wearing just a white a-shirt. and he's muscles for days. and he can dance, naturally.

about this time, mr straight from a beanie man video comes up. we dance. he tries to one up me but i'm right with him. at some point he attempts to take me to the floor rump shaker style, and manages to land flat on his ass. my friends see this and do the point and laugh. needless to say he didnt wanna dance with me anymore.

j tells me he respects me. oh, so you didnt before? i tell him i grew up around jamaicans and he seems impressed. haha. so we dance and he seems more impressed.

bri starts telling guys i'm her girlfriend so she wouldnt have to dance with them. i do a very unconvincing job of making them believe it. but seeing how i'm not a lesbian...

denny had to work at 6:30 am. at about 3, she went to sit down. and directly fell asleep. asleep! mouth open, maybe some drool. in a club of bumping music. she has apnea so she's constantly nodding off. but this did it. i've never seen anyone full on snore in a club.

so 4:15 rolls around and the lights come on. actually they'd been on for a few minutes but they didnt start playing slow music until then. so we got on the highway, opting to go to bri's house first cuz she lived the farthest away, near six flags. only one problem: she really had no idea where she lived.

we drove around for almost an hour. from camp creek, the fairburn side, to cascade road and back. i'd like all of you with sidekicks, blackberrys, and the new sda like mine, to pat yourselves on the back. you will never have to worry about a drunk 19 year old who doesnt know how to get home. please visit mapquest.com to see how not close those things are to each other.

once we have an affirmed way to her house, we stop at a gas station. he made bri pay for the gas. looking back, this must have been the moment b really looked like a pimp. me in my booty shorts and nadia in her ridiculously short skirt went to the store to get food with b. some guy asked me how old i was. "Old enough not to answer you." b told me to stay until nadia finished.

we take bri home. she also has to work soon and mentions cheerios as she stumbles to the door. we drop marcia off but she cant get inside at 6am and opts to sleep in her car. next is nadia and denny, who live near me. and i get home and go straight to bed. i too have to work later that day.

i left my voice somewhere at that club and still havent really gotten it back. everyone made it to work saturday but bri. she and the cheerios had a fight. they won. we're going back the 21st to see kid capri. i loves him.