My "friend list" is getting smaller...

Once upon a time i gave up on some friends. It was something i cried about. I did it for love- my boyfriend was so insanely jealous about a mutual friend that i had slept with who was still in my life, and in order to keep him i got rid of the friend. Actually it was more than one friend, but one in particular is important right now. It was kind of easy...just ignore the guy. But it was hard too, cuz they noticed i all of a sudden started hanging with different people-'not them' people.

After the guy and i inevitably broke up, i decided to not let anyone who claimed to love me isolate me from people i cared about. Recently i reunited with this frozen out friend, and we began to talk on the phone. We even met once which i wrote about here.

We talked a few more times, and discussed meeting again, but i never had the time and it never really worked out. There were times when i couldnt call, and i would get wierd messages about how i hurt his feelings. Wierd. Once he said he was tired of waiting for me, i started to get a little skeeved. I decided to ask for advice. Kesi said he liked me. Lauren said he liked me. People at work said- ok, you get the idea. And his 'pressure' on me and their general consensus made me feel my relationship was being disrespected. But i also knew he would deny it if i ever told him what i thought was going on.

When i confronted him, of course he denied that he was serious- he wasnt really waiting on me. But i couldnt be swayed. I broke up with my friend again. But this time i couldnt just freeze him out. I've grown up alot since i was 17 and i cant treat things the same. I had this to say.

Were you really kidding? I dont think you were. The whole thing seemed pretty wierd to me. Between that email and the one you sent before saying that i didnt care, there was no indication that you were joking. And you never mentioned it when we were on the phone, though the time i talked to you before i went to ct, you seemed moody then too-kind of mad at me. I dont know what to make of it all but i know that i dont think i can be your friend. Above all else, i feel guilty when i dont talk to you, as if i always have to give an explaination. Its too much pressure, as if i have to try to make this work. I think its great that you found me, but if we were meant to be as good a friends as we were before it wouldnt take so much effort. There's alot going on with me and i'm in a place where i'm comfortable and really like it. I hope you can say the same. I'm doing alot at once in the hopes that i can be who i want to be, and it doesnt leave me much time for other things, especially things and people that i'm not completely sure about. I hope you understand and know that i still carry no bad feelings about you.

And he had this to say.

Look I am sorry to make you feel like that but in all seriousness I was just Joking with you REALLY!!!!!! The only reason I keep going on with that stupid joke is that I thought you knew I was kidding. Maybe my sense of humor is not how you remember but believe me I would never want to do anything to weird you out and another thing is I know you are in a comfortable situation and I would never do anything to jeopardize anything you have. Believe ME. I also do not see why you think it is necessary to get me an explanation its your life you do what you want I dont expect anything from you. Please dont think you ever have to explain anything to me. In addition, what are you trying to make work? We will be friends whether we talk once day or once a year. I not some weirdo who needs constant reassurance from my friends to let me know I alive. One last point what the fuck do mean when you say people your not sure about? If thats what you think then please dont call or email me anymore. Hope you have a good life.

How oddly flip floppy. I havent written him back and i'm not going to. I didnt tell him that i think he has feelings for me because it doesnt really matter. It would only make it seem like history is repeating itself: i'm dropping him for a guy who's jealous. But that's not true at all (lord knows kesi isnt jealous of anyone i've slept with, and has never, not even now, told me who not to be friends with). Its about how i feel, and how i'm too old to be deciphering people's feelings and trying to make a friendship work. My friends and i just click. And i know people grow apart. And when that happens they very rarely grow back together.

tell your daddy i said "fuck it."

that dave chapelle moment brought to you by the asshole crack heads who busted out my back passenger window just to take the change out of my car, leaving kesi and me with more debt. i hope you get bad crack and die. DIE!!! the only thing keeping me calm is Sean Paul's "breakout" (the song at the end of the "Temperature" video). and now on to better things...


so James and i met and went to lenox. he looked exactly the same. i really expected a beard or something. we went to Burger King. we all know the "Kang" is my favoritest fast food thingie ever, and he and i made jokes about 7th period, and how we would skip to the dairy queen directly across the street from the school gym. ah...memories.

we talked and walked for 3 hours. it was so cool, a complete stress relief to talk to someone who you know but not really- at least, not like you used to. we talked about our stupid exes, went to brookstone and sat on the massage chairs (my middle school stalker works there- awkward!), kesi, who he apparently had a class with, the perils of an alternative high school, and my plans to get by on my looks... music, old times, new times, work...the double standard that allows women to say, "she's pretty" but keeps men from saying the same thing about other men...

it made me remember that he was like the only one of our crew that i could have a serious convo with or even a not to serious convo, without it drifting off into awkwardness or boredom or one of us turning the conversation into our life story, which the other person inevitably does not care about. he invited my boyfriend and i camping, on as long as i bring a cute friend. does he not know all my cute friends live in a different state? or are guys? i'll be sure to work on that.

got home just in time for LOST. he called me out on my getting a ride from him just to get there before 9pm. superfans gotta do what they gotta do. we promised to do it again and said good night. awesome.

you can call me too! if you have my number...

remember when i said that i was gonna call more than two people in my phone book? i think more people are reading this than i originally believed. they keep calling me! not a problem, not complaining.

one of the people that called was my old high school friend, who i will call james, because no one knows thats his name. james is my ex's wife's ex. but before all that, we were very close. we would skip school and have deep talks- as deep as two 16-year olds can get... then we fell out.

we would skip school together and essentially failed spanish two together. he, my boyfriend at the time, his girlfriend and i would go to my house because it was closest, and watch tv and do other things which may or may not have been illegal. it was a lovely existence until we all werent going to graduate on time.

long ass story which still makes certain people (me? noooo...) really pissed, i wrote them a letter saying that all they wanted to do was skip school and have sex, and that i was over all that (so easy to say when my boyfriend lived in another state by then). i pretty much hypocritically insulted james and his girlfriend, who i had known since 7th grade. needless to say they were igged, especially since they were trying to make changes too- although on a side note james and i are the only ones who actually did graduate out of ALL our crew.

so we drifted. i didnt see or hear of him for literally years. then sometime near new years, i get a myspace message from him apologizing for the way our friendship ended. wow. our exes, who are now married and popping out kids, are probably looking at our pictures with a scowl to this day. and here we are, making up. turns out, we never really had any animosity between the two of us that wasnt fueled by our formers.

so i am meeting him for a late lunch today. i'm sure we will have much to talk about. not only am i sticking to my non-resolutions, i am growing! look at me making friends!!!