you ever been broke put your hands up...

so of course that song's playing when i get in the car. field mob's 1st album. i cant put my hands any higher.

yesterday i found out i need a cosigner for my student loan. this after weeks of thinking the one i had was approved. so now i'm behind. what's really effed up is that i cant apply for the hope grant unless i get a student loan in line.

school starts in 11 days. i really dont think i'll be going. besides the fact i'm still trying to get my money stuff in order, there's a $250 late fee. i'll be damned! i.no wait three months, cuz i dont have that kind of cheese.

my mom just left her job. they're being sued for misappropriation of funds. they didnt find out until a lawyer called and my ma picked up the phone. they were just gonna lead everyone to think everything was fine until the company was gone.

so i'm the only person in the house with a job. sigh.

when will people give me money just for being cute and needy?

riding, riding, swerving, swerving....

ok, so it's been a minute. and in that minute here's what has occured...

i turned 22. conciderably unevetfully, despite my best efforts. seems jabre was right.- "no one cares after 21." (ok, pity party is a little too crunk) honestly i had a great time. i went to gladys night's chicken and waffles with kesi, although i had planned on more people being there. turns out all my friends are broke. but jabre and another friend kyle and us went to the bar near my job and played pool. and i kicked ass. won every game i played, though i was a tad tipsy. i did look cute doing it, naturally.

after we left the bar a homeless man proceeded to talk to kesi for a good five minutes NONSTOP, until i had to cut him off and tell kesi to roll up the car window. i mean, he already had all the money we could spare, but he just kept talking...after that i really didnt want to hear anyone talking.

after that was valentines day, a day that i think is a waste of time. every year that i have worked in retail, i see people come in to wherever it is that i work and rush last minute to show their love for whomever. but if you feel obligated, then it really isnt sincere, is it? and why do you do it? because its valentines day and thats what you are supposed to do, not because you actually love them (whether you do or not isnt the point). i didnt get anything from kesi. honestly all i wanted were some hotwings and to cuddle. i didnt get either for circumstantial reasons, but my friend who is a cook made all the girls at work chocolate covered strawberries. really sweet, and he didnt have to do it. he's not dating any of us. proves my point. i also got two boxes of mini reeses from my manager because i had mentioned that i was gonna try to pick up some on-sale valentines candy the next day, and she happened to have my favorite in her office. i shared one box and kept the other for myself.

the rest of the week i worked and worked. i really needed money. still do, but my refund should be coming in a few days. lauren called me on saturday and said she was in town, and where was i? stuck with 25,000 cheerleaders (that is NOT an exagerated number), all who want iced caramel macchiatos. youre 11, what do you need with coffee?

i finally got to see her monday night, after her dear dad decided not to drop her off at my house and my dear boyfriend decided to drive 50 miles to go get her(that boy gets a hero cookie). she also had my birthday gift, but if i had known she was coming, i would have told her to save the money and bring herself to ATL. (ok, maybe not- i love my coach wristlet!)

on the drive back we listened to some mixtapes kesi had and lauren heard some new stuff, which she should have heard since our friend Pizo claims to hold it down for the A in DC. one of which was "riding, swerving" featuring Project Pat, who i love...we stayed up til 4AM and ate the last of those valentine reeses, which i was happy to share. she slept on my side of my big bed and took all the covers. i still love her though.

lauren's back in DC now, and i am sad. kind of sad. i will see her in a month, and i'll be done with school for a few months by then. for now we will both be stressed and tired and working and learning and getting older, and forsaking our already late speech outline to type a blog.

Why i dont go out: part two, And other recaps from the longest week ever.

so i havent been on the computer, let alone blogging, for about a week. instead i have been working my ass off trying to make some money before i head to back to school for the new year. here are some discoveries, quick notes, and interesting tidbits i have discovered in my immense tiredness.

1. i think i have developed carpal tunnel from opening wine bottles. that, and the crocheting i was doing to relax myself before i went to bed every night at about 2am...damn Gift Mart women drink like sailors. my hand cramped unconsolably on sunday night and my mom had to massage it. at which point i discovered:

2.if there is hope for her, there is hope for anyone. yes, even you. my ma is sickly in love. a fact i never noticed because, A: the guy was always around, and B: i spend most of my time down in my room, anti-home-socially, as it should be. but she is. he went back home to help his mom with some things, and has been gone for about a month, but you'd think it has been a year the way she wont shut up about how much she misses him. and he calls every day. from a foreign country!!!! so they want to get married, bla bla bla... my mother seemed like she would just be mom for the rest of her life, not someone's wife. i'll leave the reasons for another day. just know that its possible to love. and hope it doesnt take 44 years.

3. american idol is good, if for nothing else than to ail the grieving. my friend, the one who got drunk at the christmas party, her father in law died. she held his hand as he passed earlier that day. she started the work day off crying and dealing with her sadness in between ringing up guests and eating unneeded desserts. at 8 i turned to fox, and pretty much did all the cashiering while she stood in front of the tv and laughed. by the end of the night there was a smile on her face, which is the way i always like to see her. i dont know what happened after i left, but at least she smiled at crazy people singing " i shot the sherriff" in full costume, for a lil while.

4. your crotch should NEVER smell of alcohol. so we went out to drink after a long friday night- i wasnt buying of course. i decided to try out my "martinis might be to much" alternative plan and drink an incredible hulk. loves em. too much, maybe? around 3am, my old (literally) friend thomas began his heinneken(or however you spell it)-fueled speech on men who cheat on women, when i asked him if he was faithful to his woman. as i began my hulk-fueled response in a fully gestured manner, i hit the top of my glass and spilled it on my pants. ok, no good. then i realized i was wearing lycra, and in my semi-drunken genius, explained that it was ok, because lycra doesnt absorb! thats why we wear it to exercise! genius! and as i sat my happy ass back down, i realized that liquid has to go somewhere. and victoria's secret is that she likes the booze. and one of my friends calls me hulk drawers.

and lastly...
5. if you are in the closet, close the door. two of my coworkers, one clearly gay, and one really sensitive, got into it monday night. the sensitive one claimed the gay one was "looking at him funny" which turned into a shouting match dead in the middle of the kitchen. now, i aint in all that. my problem is that the gay one comes to me saying "if i was gay, why would i want him?" and then tell my best work friend, mr sensitive's best work friend, that you are, in fact, gay. as if i wasnt blaringly aware. i mean, i was a drama student. like sillk says: "you aint gotta lie to kick it." so if you are in the closet, dont keep the door wide open, step out a few feet, and then jump back in like we didnt see you at the window a minute ago...

time for my next class...

and, like sex, i will need to take a nap after

So school is about to start again for me, after about a month off for winter break. I'm exited to go back, which is big because four years ago, i decided i was tired of learning and i took a break. Besides, i didnt know what i wanted to do with my life.

now, after deciding i want to be in radio, i am back in school, and actually doing well. In the past six months i've accumulated a 3.8 GPA. I dont mention this to brag, instead to say this: i'm proud of myself, but i'm also very scared.

i didnt do this good in high school. Or elementary. Mostly because i wasnt motivated; i in no way believe i wasnt smart. Its just that now i got this drive in me i never had before, to be able to work and go to school and hardly ever spend time at home or with friends because i want to am too busy or sleepy.

on the other hand, i have to work harder cuz I'm three years behind all my peers. Look at reka: she's already on the radio and i just took audio two. So what if i'm too late? What if my efforts are in vain?

so i fight and get good- nay, great- grades so no one can legitimately deny me. I want to get an internship this summer and absorb all i can so that in 09 (09!!) i can graduate and get a great job and do what i want and what i love. I guess its not so bad. I'm living the dream or some crap. You can never know if you are making the right choice. But as lauren said, my mind is clear. No matter what my emotions say, and they have been saying alot, i know what i have to do and i take it one day, one class at a time. By the end of this whole school thing, something everyone but me knew i was gonna do, i'm gonna be tired but satisfied (like sex, even). And if i quit i'd just be tired.

i was not screening...i was at work

i am always at work. i live there now, didnt you hear?

i am always at work, or school or in transit, or rarely sleeping. i am 22 for god sakes!!!!!

i was listening to the radio yesterday morning (on my way to work, naturally) and they asked the question "who out there hasnt been out in ages?" and they wanted the best stories as to when you had been to a club or a party, and how long its been. and i thought about it...lets just run down the list:

*october: went to fur(?) in DC, waited for 1.5 hours. didnt get in. cam'ron got shot.
*april: lauren came to town. went to 112 and got there an hour before last call but still woulda paid $20. we went to intermezzo instead and had a bad time.
*february: turned 21, went BOWLING and had my first legal drink. had a great time with 5 friends.
*december: job's christmas party which kesi didnt come with me to because he "couldnt find his slacks."
* october 2002: went to some club in DC whose name sounds like b2k... lauren's friend's girlfriend whined the whole time.

and next week the christmas party comes back around. i am going and i am gonna have a damn good time if i have to give that man i date a pair of my pants to put on. then comes christmas where after my best friend (who i wrote about in the 10 minutes i had time to do so when i was taking a break from my sociology project, and could have done a better job describing how much she means to me but i was rushed as the project was due the next day and didnt have any other time to do it) reads this she will surely drag me out of the house to Compound and make me drink like the irresponsible 20something i am not. and then new years where my mother in law will try to get me to smoke weed with her, which i will decline beacuse it makes me more dizzy than anything else nowadays.

until then i have 2 finals, 3 more days of work, a song analysis i an supposed to be doing now, and a secret santa present to buy. also getting my car fixed so someone else can drive it cuz i dont have a license nor time to get one.

so no dear, i wasnt screening you. i would have loved to pick up, but i was at work. i am am always at work.