the extraordinary machine

can i tell you how much i hate to spell the word extraordinary? im pretty sure thatll be my last time doing it this blog entry.



so anyway, i changed my blog name. i got struck by a fiona apple song ,and my favorite line: be kind to me, or treat me mean. i'll make the most of it... etc. i ts such a powerful thing to say. "whatever you do, ima keep it moving as Joy." so there.

i think its immportant to remind myself that the world around me can only take me down if i let it. and thats not who i am. this particular period in time has been particularly trying, what with my granddad dying, the ever reocurring drama with my dad, and random and myriad things. but im still here. cuz im extraordinary.

anyways, here's the video of her singing the song at the benefit for katrina victims. you know the "george bush hates negroes" one, lol.

Change

So Kesi and I had this epic talk Saturday night. Not like, world shattering epic, more like we talked like we haven't in a long time. Its very rare that we're up together til 4am and fully dressed if you catch my drift.

Our convo ran the gamut of a lot of things, mostly stuff the other person wasn't there for. We talked about who I was before...

"if he was around I might as well talk to him, cuz everything about you changed." I don't think that was an exact quote, but that was the gist. And looking back, I see that its true. "you dress different. You're more comfortable now. Even back when we first started out you were starting to open up more."

Gosh, when I think about these things... How long its really been, and how true the things he said are... But that's honestly not what this entry is about. Its about how easy it is to get lost in another.

I could have lost- or never had- everything that I am. I didn't know how important this person that I am now, how important she is. To me and to the world. I'm not tooting my own horn here, I'm just saying that if I wasn't here today there are people who would miss me.

I know someone who is like that now. Everything she says is "we/us/together" yada yada yada. Despite the fact that Kesi and I have been together for 6.5 years (ooh OOH!), we still have separate identities, then we have us. There isn't much difference between who we are together and apart, but one of us is not lost in the other. Its more complementary than overpowering.

This chick... I don't know her well enough that way to be like, "you need to find yourself." I remember a time when I was perfectly ok with following someone in whatever they wanted to do and be- a background singer to their rock star if you will. But I know what she's going through. She's blinded. Not by a bad guy per se, its just the way things are. Its easy to see someone with ambition and fall in love with it. Its also easy to let them lead. But...

(I think I'm rambling. Bear with me.) when I look at Barbie I know I could have been her. Oh so literally. I could have had that baby and had to make the choice to stay with Ken even though he's, well, him, or leave and figure things out on my own, with no one to lean on, mainly because he's helped me alienate my loved ones (despite all my bravado a few months ago, its for this reason, and the fact that he's not helping her see that Christianity is an aspiration, that I still answer some of her texts). I could have been swallowed up in his bravado and charisma, his cult of personality. It would have been far worse for me than it is for her, cuz I love deeper than she. Likewise, I see this woman hitting the same path. Standing in the background and never taking the lead. Maybe getting married because he asked. Moving in because it seems "time." loving because he loves, and she thinks no one else will or could. Having earth shattering arguments yet snuggling next to him in bed that night.

And what could you do without him? Who could you be? Where is your future?

Its everywhere. Life goes the fuck on. Cry once and realize that you're still in your skin. Do something. Be someone. Cuz shadows disappear when the lights come on.
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I'm... Just being honest.

*kesi said the black cartoon from the nuvaring commercial looks like me. If you see that commercial lemme know, lol. He said it even has my bathingsuit strut. Its VERY new. I just saw it Monday for the first time.

Is it possible to have your own personal culture? I think my fairly gigantic (did I mention I have a big fam?) family has their own culture. Their own ways. It basically revolves around saying what you feel cuz no one will remember or even maybe hear you anyway.

This comes to my mind because my friend who I went to hs with came to town and we hung out for a day at her parents' house. This same house was the setting of a strange moment for me. Here's what happened:

*Her parents have some pda moment and share a lil cutey pie kiss.
*I say, "ew, old people love!" in a dramatically comedic way.
*Later her dad talks to her for an HOUR about what he feels is my "rudeness."

Now I feel that my mom or dad and their significant others (except notsomuch my dad, as his girlfriend is 12 years old), or even La's parents would have laughed along. Matter of fact, I call La's dad old all the time. He calls me fat. This is our way. Is it because I know them on a different level? Meh. Anyways...

So I kinda walked on eggshells at my friend's house all of 7 years later. Made sure to be the kind of polite I would maybe have been at a church I was visiting. But not my home church in CT, as I know them like family and we too have a rapport. Lol.

For the most part I'm considered colorful and funny, and I know I get that from my mother. She has an opinion and though it can be strong and sometimes really narrow (she once said porn created child molesters), sometimes it can be light and fun too. And she taught us to say what we feel. Sometimes- most times- its taken well. And sometimes people wanna talk about my rudeness for an hour.

Clearly this is something that has affected me from then on. And I'm not the only one that thinks my friend's parents are a lil tight, so...

Anyway, is it strange that I have a cousin who lives around the corner from me and I only communicate with her after work on the trains? I have her number, and she has mine, but we never call or text. Also, I just found out she has 20 brothers and sisters. 20! Not all of them are related to me. But about.... Let's give an estimate here... 12, including her, are. My uncle, the one that likes to scare people, and whose son scared me on the train this past winter, despite the fact that he is a lil slow, has a baseball and a basketball lineup, lol. Man I'm stopping at 4. I don't know what I'll do to stop after that, but shoot its clear my fam is hella fertile.

And I'm gonna see them really soon! I'm not gonna share too many details cuz they end up falling through, but I'm going home! Wooo!
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Def poetry.

I haven't written a poem in so long. I'm watching DPJ and I feel so inspired but nothing in my life is putting me in there where I feel so deeply about anything. ANYTHING.

I used to write a poem every day. Back in 6th grade, 7th, 8th... Damn, I was so extra back then. Everything had an epic shadow. Like- oh the time my fruitless middle school crush took pix with me at six flags and tried to feel me up in the booth. I wrote a poem about how he was only sweet to me in my dreams.

In high school I'd mostly write about love. And hate. And sex... And being me. Whoever I was that day. My friends- the Chinese prisoners I called them in one poem. A poem about how we were all doomed together. (How oddly prophetic; only two of us graduated from that group.)

I loved it. I still love it. I just don't feel it. Nothing shakes me like it used to. And there's so much going on in my life. I used to have a crisis, write about it, and feel better from the release. Now, I don't know what it is. Some things I don't even write about in my blog. Sigh. People tell me things and I just kind of shoo them away. I don't want to think about the things; I haven't really learned to deal per se.

I really should start writing again.



Nothing shakes me
I have no desire
In the fight to flow like water
I think I put out the fire


Its a good start I suppose. And I usually don't rhyme...
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maybe its me

the Hater's birthday is this week. so i decided to give her a new name. taps. because whenever something ridiculous is going on at work she'll reach her foot over and tap me as if to say, we'll laugh about this later. and usually we do. the truth is: we're actually friends.

it goes back to what i said a few months ago. friends hold grudger longer than the person originally wronged. in this case, i was annoyed by taps's every move toward b, especially when he was talking to hartford, because he told me once or twice that he was done with her cuz of all the shit they went through. i never really gave her a fair chance. so who's the real Hater? she was very rarely mean to me, baring that time that gave her the original name. i dont even count that time at the club cuz if someone was dancing with my ex i might have to give them stank looks too.

so maybe i'm the Hater. i mean, at least in this situation. but i can admit my wrong doing... this girl doesnt even beef over the little inside jokes we tend to accidentally not include her in. i was the one who chose sides.

so yeah we're cool now. i just had to express my faults. luckily i never told anyone she knows about how i felt and my opinions; not enough to poison anyone against her. but that doesnt take away my misgivings about feeling that way and holding on longer than i needed to. i'm trying to work on letting people change.

now all i need is a loan cosigner...

so it all started with me crying, as most things do that are of emotional importance... i was tired. just so tired. at the moment i was tired of sitting in the kitchen by myself while the boy ws making music in the back. so i told him to take me home. now. about a half hour later i was heading home, but not until we had a disagreement over when hs said we'd leave. we drove in silence.

he texted me later and i started crying. i tried to explain to him that we never do anything (not really true) and that i was tired of just sitting around. but once i typed those words i realized it was a bigger thing. i was stagnant. i havent been in school in months and i'm behind where i wanted to be in my life. i always said i'd have a plan but let it be flexible, but its tough to just let life lead you. and i was becoming restless. my "friend" said to me over IM, and i could hear the bragging in her voice, "i only been with my guy for a year and we're already engaged." ok, well i been with kesi for almost 5 years (FIVE!!!) and we're not. you think it doesnt kill me that i cant snap my fingers and have a job and a house and a car and a husband and be able to afford all of it and just sit down and be? just be. it does. i have so much i want to do and make of myself and i am standing still. or moving slowly, and i am one that likes to move fast. i have NO patience.

a few days later i get a voicemail from my cousin lysey. "call me back, its important!" ok me and her grew up together. when she told me she was pregnant, i almost said, "i'm gonna be and aunt!" thats how close we are. but we havent talked in months. so i called her back. she was asking me about schools and things and considering moving back to the A. she had decided, like i did last year, that she would follow her dreams but get an education at the same time. so she wants a fresh start. and alot of the things she was saying sounded alot like what i said a few days before. stagnant. time to light a fire under this ass. she's gonna take herself and her son and come down here to do what she loves. because she's not happy and she knows what would make her happy.

sometimes its just a matter of fighting whatever fear and doubt there is. i would rather not go through life knowing that a questiona mark kept me from being what i wanna be. if i fail, ok i tried. but i dont plan on failing. i plan to keep trying. and i know its gonna be tough and that i will more than likely cry again over my lack of patience, but shit, whats a couple of tears now compared to the rest of my life?

the doll

let me just say this has been rolling around in my brain for a few hours, so if it comes out a little crazy please forgive.

today i was in the car, listening to ryan cameron, my radio idol. he was talking about she revival of the doll study, where a child is shown a black doll and a white one and asked which was the good one. in the school in harlem, 16 out of 20 black children chose the white doll.

i have a problem with it right there. the conclusion is that the child is responding to the what they see in today's society. however, the angle of the question suggests that the child even has to chose, and will continue to chose in life.

when i took my sociology class last spring, i learned about an interesting aspect of american society. i cant remember what it was called but it had to do with only one being the best or the champ or the winner. i call it the highlander theory. "there can be only one." and to say you must chose is to say if this one is good, everything else must be bad.

i didnt read the study yet but i wonder if they asked the kids why they chose what they did. i dont think i ever had the idea that my race was inferior, but you can never be sure what a child is thinking. my favorite doll may have been of any race. she kind of looked like lauren. it wasnt her race that made me like her, it was her hair. i have always loved red hair, and even today i dye my brown hair burgundy.

i'm in no way trying to negate the truth that our society is racially biased. but we do now have the power to fix that. being from a mixed family and even my neighborhood, my mom has taught me that no one is better than me because they look different. we need to know that and make it a reality.

and are we black people the only race that feels this way? are we the only ones they studied? discuss.

Eh, i'll get to it.

had two days off. today i cleaned my room.

basically my room is the biggest in the house. its the basement, separated into two parts by a wall built by my mom's 'gentleman suitor.' i call him that because he's too old to be called a boyfriend. but i digress.

one part of my room is literally that. where i sleep. its generally clean, except that i'm a nester. there's stuff near my bed. so that was easy. i moved stuff and swept.

but the other part, the den, if you will, is a hot mess. i dont go in there much, since there's no tv in there anymore. and plus my neighbors are disgusting and they infested my yard with rats, so i cant use my private entrance that leads to that part of the room.

and so- hot mess. cobwebs everywhere. my skin was crawling. alot of dust. my problem is that i knew i had to do it but i kept saying, eh, i'll get to it. blah. its not that dirty... but it was.

i've got to stop being a procrastinator. otherwise, i will end up with spiders all over my house.

daddy.

is anyone really getting moved by the tiger woods nike commercial? every time it comes on i get quiet. i also wish that we had a video camera when i was little.

so after one particular viewing of the commercial i called my dad. we talked for a sec about what he's doing today (My cousin's having a cookout at the park near my old house) and when he was coming down here (a couple weeks). and why he's moving back.

my dad's moving back to the south. not atlanta he said, but maybe georgia. my mother's happy she has someone to fix our shower. i dont know how my brother feels, but he knew first and didnt tell anyone- purposefully or not.

me? all i can say is i'm happy. when my dad left unexpectedly it was odd and somewhat devastating for me. but now he'll be closer physically to me, and that makes me feel more, i dont know, relaxed. for a person who has essentially had lots of family around all the time, the little that i have down here- friends included- means so much to me. no matter if i see them or talk to them, knowing they are near by makes me feel like i can breathe easy. and my dad- my hero guy- he makes me feel the most relaxed.

so here we are on father's day, and i'm feeling fulfilled. i'd like one day to look back on my life with my father like tiger did and see nothing but happiness, love, and closeness. and i'd like to go buy a video camera.

if you leave, i wont cry...

i just got some pretty sucky news today. my best friend, who was supposed to come this weekend, isnt. boo.

what's worse is that she's moving to texas and not staying here when she leaves DC. more boo. i assumed i'd only have to spend 4 years without her.

we dont talk much. we usually text or im each other. besides the random voicemail, i havent heard her voice since i saw her a month ago. but that's how we are. even when we were in the same room our best times were spent not saying much- just writing, singing, sleeping. much non verbal communication.

i'm talking like this is the end. its not. we'll always be best friends, i'm sure of it. it just comes so naturally. but its so odd to not have her around. odd after 4 years. thats why i travel so much. there's nothing else in dc for me anymore. i hope houston is fun.

and so i guess i'll be spending this sunday with my dad or something. blah. i really wanted to see nacho libre with my homie. dont go seeing it without me lady.

ps: i hope whoever soured you against this city leaves or makes things right or never comes back here. i want you to live here again.

ok. lets speak of ladylike behavior.

not the kind of ladylike behavior such as not spitting(do) and crossing your legs(dont do much), but the kind that affects the way males who we have been with percieve us. example:

Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.

this is from overheardinnewyork.com. key word, OVERHEARD!!!

i only mention this because i accidentally made myself look like a complete skank the other night. my manager and i were having quite the conversation about sex and sexuality, and that spilled out onto our walk to the safe downstairs (i work in a hotel, all the money goes into a commonly accesible room). we and two other co workers were sharing stories about "our first time" and i mentioned that kesi's and my first included a very unromantic song. on repeat. so someone asks, "was he your first?" and i say, "nooooooooooo," in that way that implies that he wasnt even close to the first, which isnt the case.

so then i had to awkwardly announce that, no i am not a slut, (after not ten minutes before getting molested by another coworker's butt, and telling how kesi likes one of my friends' breasts) and that i REALLY made it seem like i was. then i said all my exes leave atlanta after we break up.

now that i have the weekend off, taking 48 hours of my time to explain all these intimate facts i bandied about the hotel commons, i realize how these things can be misconstrued. should i care? is it affecting much?

i dont know. but i know that if they are anything like me, they will have heard what i said and formulate wild generalizations about me and my private life. for instance, i can pretty much conclude that girl one is a bit of a drinker and has given many men "a piece of her mind," if you know what i mean. so lets just hope they are not like me.

i have an expression that i always say when people say, "did you hear so-and-so did this or that?" and it goes:

"i'm not fuckin them. why should i care?"

that, to me, is ladylike. we're too concerned. then again, we are telling our best friends about random BJs and throwing elaborate quince's-complete with a bellydance routine-in order to make our exes jealous. we have to be more tactful ladies!!!! stop letting the men know our plans! its all about subtlety.

so alas, people i have 24 more hours to mull this over and hope that the night where i was less than subtle is forgotten. we always seem to worry about the stupid or inappropriate things we say, more than the people we say them to seem to. hopefully its true this time. i guess we'll find out monday, if someone starts singing three6 mafia.

lost in translation

I'm like a southern immigrant. I've lived in atlanta for ten years, and culturally, things dont really click for me. I realized it this week especially, when corretta scott king died. I was like, ok, god rest her soul, move on. I didnt know her or anything. But there was tv and radio coverage ALL DAY, at the king center where people came from all over to bring flowers and pay respects. People at my job wanted to go to the funeral. And i really didnt understand it. Still kind of dont.

In my mind all i can think is that its another southern thing that i dont get because northerners would only do something like that- paying respects to a symbol of this ongoing fight- just to say they did it. To yell out, "i was there too!" And i'm totally fighting that urge myself.

But there's more. Alot of things true southerners feel and do and enjoy, i dont get it sometimes. I hated young jeezy. He's starting to grow on me now, slightly. And the jig and the lean and rock? When i first saw them i thought the whole dance floor had lost their minds. The jig still looks like the martin short dance to me.

I said i'd never be a southern person, never claim ga more than ct. But in a way i feel like i'm missing something. Like the fun is going on without me. When lauren laughed at kesi's southern slang- "hellyatambout"- i was just like ok...inside joke.

Whats so great about this place? I dont miss bpt nearly as much as she does atl. i guess i better figure it out before i get left behind.

i think youre smart, you sweet thing...tell me your name, i'm dying here.

A few days ago, in nostalgia over our impending four year anniversary, i was looking at photos my boyfriend and i took together. Four years. The best i've ever experienced. So why did i do that "secret tears" thing i do when i kind of do/dont want him to know i'm crying? The answer goes back to the begining. cue flashback.

Seven years ago, i'm sitting on the floor outside the chorus room with my new friend brandi(oh how time flies), when this tall, skinny boy walks by. She says hi and introduces us, and he goes on his way, off to the tv prod. room. I ask brandi his name again, and ask her if he's foreign. I think he's cute. I inquire more about his name and determine that he's middle eastern, and i like that. Of course i would find this not to be true, but he was still cute.

And here we are now, dating, loving, planning our future, and he tells me that for legal reasons- read: someone very close to him is stealing his identity-, he may have to change his name. To what, who knows. But he wont be him, not by name.

I love his name, which i will not and have not stated (kesi is his middle name). I love saying it, writing it; when people ask me what it is, i love saying it a few times until they get it right, then explaining that its a family name, and that we only know of four other people with that first name who have existed in america. It was what attracted me to him. An unusual name for an unusual man. All the other losers i dated were named jason, ronald, michael... Bland, unextraordinary names.

So i cried. I wanted him to know because i always want him to know how i feel, but i didnt because i didnt want to get in the way of something he has to do. i didnt tell him that i was and he didnt figure it out. we kind of breezed off the subject. I wanted to give my son that name. I still might. But i guess its not so much of a legacy if someone with that name makes it so you have to change it. In a way i feel like i'm overreacting, but i imagined marrying "kesi", not "billy normal-dude". Even if its in name only.

Whatever happens, i'll still love him. Maybe he could change his name every four years and it'll be like i'm dating a whole new guy! That looks just like my ex... Who had the coolest name.

and, like sex, i will need to take a nap after

So school is about to start again for me, after about a month off for winter break. I'm exited to go back, which is big because four years ago, i decided i was tired of learning and i took a break. Besides, i didnt know what i wanted to do with my life.

now, after deciding i want to be in radio, i am back in school, and actually doing well. In the past six months i've accumulated a 3.8 GPA. I dont mention this to brag, instead to say this: i'm proud of myself, but i'm also very scared.

i didnt do this good in high school. Or elementary. Mostly because i wasnt motivated; i in no way believe i wasnt smart. Its just that now i got this drive in me i never had before, to be able to work and go to school and hardly ever spend time at home or with friends because i want to am too busy or sleepy.

on the other hand, i have to work harder cuz I'm three years behind all my peers. Look at reka: she's already on the radio and i just took audio two. So what if i'm too late? What if my efforts are in vain?

so i fight and get good- nay, great- grades so no one can legitimately deny me. I want to get an internship this summer and absorb all i can so that in 09 (09!!) i can graduate and get a great job and do what i want and what i love. I guess its not so bad. I'm living the dream or some crap. You can never know if you are making the right choice. But as lauren said, my mind is clear. No matter what my emotions say, and they have been saying alot, i know what i have to do and i take it one day, one class at a time. By the end of this whole school thing, something everyone but me knew i was gonna do, i'm gonna be tired but satisfied (like sex, even). And if i quit i'd just be tired.

j+x+y... solve for y

My friend, who i will refer to as "X," told me his girlfriend, "Y," thinks i could be secretly in love with him. X and my's response to this is,"ew, no". Anyone who knows me knows i love my boyfriend more than anything. But she doesnt know me. And maybe thats the problem.

2002 was my year. That's what i called it. The year of the joy. I had just gotten out of a relationship where i had sacrificed alot, so i decided everything i did, and who with, from then on was whatever i wanted. This included my X.

It wasnt as if i sought him out, Not at all. It was one of those instances where people try to explain and say stupid shit like, 'it just happened!' You wonder how things just happen until they just happen to you. thank god i didnt end up on maury sounding like a fool. After this particular experience we pretty much decided not to speak of it again, which i adhered to despite my better judgement. It wasnt such a big deal to me and i would have liked to have told the man i had started to fall in love with, but X asked me not to so i held on to it until i felt there was no reason to anymore.

Now, years later, X is with Y, whom he undoubtedly told right away. X and i mainly keep in touch through the phone, and as we dont have many new memories we laugh about the old ones. This lead his new girl to think i harbor feelings for him. I can honestly say that random night is not something i reminisce about. Especially not to him. Or anyone. And when people mention it i get this oh-boy-here-we-go mentality about whatever comes next. especially when my own boyfriend tells me he can understand where she's coming from.

Lately his revelations have been awfully thought provoking. He's definitely putting a light under these changes i am trying to make. He said no one but i can ever know how i feel about X, and only i can know if these things i say about not having feelings for him past friendship are true. Who's to say i am not suppressing something because i am in a relationship? i say. but there's no way i can prove to her that i want the two of them to succeed without being her friend, he reasons to me.

but wouldnt that seem shady? Becoming friends with her just to prove a point? I dont have many girl friends, and dont really initiate friendships cuz i dont know how. But i dont wanna break them up. i would hate to be some type of pre-emptive home wrecker or something. And she IS a cool girl. I hope i can like her past 'my homie's girl' and on to 'my friend.' and making female friends would be good for me. i am a little abrasive and dealing with someone who is more sensitive than i would calm me down. i want to fix any problems people think i may have caused.

god. Now i'm worried about two relationships? my head hurts.

trying...hard

whatever i gave wasnt all i could give you
i still have a lot more left
i held on to it though it regenerates
as if it encased my last breath
time is supposed to be healing
but somehow it made me a miser
for all this womanly contemplation
i question if i am the wiser
i dont like to do these things i'm not good at
fake a move but i'm staying right here
i do a good job of pretending
diverting you from my worst fear
whatever you saw there was more of
hidden in shadows and night
believing what showed through this pretense
would cause your affection to blight
this is not all to say i dont love you
or to state that this romance is dying
but whatever i got i'm giving out
so take it and trust that i'm trying


as the title of my blog suggests, i am indeed on the quest for self improvement. and as the title of the poem suggests, i am trying. hard. those that know me best know that deep down, i am REALLY shallow. i try to make a joke of it, but at one point in my life i had such low self esteem that my only defense was to pick people apart in my mind until they were below me. i did this in order to function, really. to get on stage and act, to go to school with people who teased me and not cry when they did so...at some point it became commonplace, and if you could transcend that you were my friend. i could take all these things i picked apart i could put back together in order to love you.

the only person who truly has had all of me, up until recently, was lauren. i admired her from day one due to her unstoppable confidence. only after knowing her for a LOOOOOONG time did i realize it was an act. and that didnt make me admire her any less. on the contrary, actually. those that i could not pick apart- i.e. lala- i would respect and aspire to. even as a person who wore this "having it together" mask. cause i have always worn my heart (and my emotions in general) right on my sleeve. if i like you, i love you. if i hate you....oh, you might as well die when i look at you. but i digress. she was- is- my best friend, for this reason. though for some reason i never bothered to master that trait i so enjoyed in her. i guess that goes back to the not liking to do things i'm not good at.

and now there is kesi. my doll. my heart. he has all of me now. they both do. which gets to be complicated when they are both around, which isnt often. i have been told i neglect people when he is around. oops. i mean, can you blame me? he's the man i want to marry!!!!! in my logic, i am not going to spend my life with anyone else but him. every one else will move in and out, come and go, and he will be there when i sleep at night. so excuse me if i leave my cousins at a bar because he needs to go home cuz he's tired. pardon me, aunt dee, for not walking two grown men the two blocks to my house from the bar. ooh...got a bit touchy there, huh?

what i was going to say was this. i realized that due to my shallowness and some abandonment issues i'll discuss at a later date, i had been treating him pretty bad. a little verbally abusive, i guess you could call it i didnt notice this, until he told me, cuz yes, i am that shallow. what are we talking about here, people!!! so once he did call this ass-holishness to my attention, i decided that i should make a change. i need to get on this whole "good person" thing i claim to be, before i move on to the next stages of my life. i need a good foundation. i want to be able to not be the hipocrite all parents are when i tell my kids who to be and who not to be. so i am trying. if you see me, or talk to me or anyhting else, tell me how i am doing. what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger.