My friend, who i will refer to as "X," told me his girlfriend, "Y," thinks i could be secretly in love with him. X and my's response to this is,"ew, no". Anyone who knows me knows i love my boyfriend more than anything. But she doesnt know me. And maybe thats the problem.
2002 was my year. That's what i called it. The year of the joy. I had just gotten out of a relationship where i had sacrificed alot, so i decided everything i did, and who with, from then on was whatever i wanted. This included my X.
It wasnt as if i sought him out, Not at all. It was one of those instances where people try to explain and say stupid shit like, 'it just happened!' You wonder how things just happen until they just happen to you. thank god i didnt end up on maury sounding like a fool. After this particular experience we pretty much decided not to speak of it again, which i adhered to despite my better judgement. It wasnt such a big deal to me and i would have liked to have told the man i had started to fall in love with, but X asked me not to so i held on to it until i felt there was no reason to anymore.
Now, years later, X is with Y, whom he undoubtedly told right away. X and i mainly keep in touch through the phone, and as we dont have many new memories we laugh about the old ones. This lead his new girl to think i harbor feelings for him. I can honestly say that random night is not something i reminisce about. Especially not to him. Or anyone. And when people mention it i get this oh-boy-here-we-go mentality about whatever comes next. especially when my own boyfriend tells me he can understand where she's coming from.
Lately his revelations have been awfully thought provoking. He's definitely putting a light under these changes i am trying to make. He said no one but i can ever know how i feel about X, and only i can know if these things i say about not having feelings for him past friendship are true. Who's to say i am not suppressing something because i am in a relationship? i say. but there's no way i can prove to her that i want the two of them to succeed without being her friend, he reasons to me.
but wouldnt that seem shady? Becoming friends with her just to prove a point? I dont have many girl friends, and dont really initiate friendships cuz i dont know how. But i dont wanna break them up. i would hate to be some type of pre-emptive home wrecker or something. And she IS a cool girl. I hope i can like her past 'my homie's girl' and on to 'my friend.' and making female friends would be good for me. i am a little abrasive and dealing with someone who is more sensitive than i would calm me down. i want to fix any problems people think i may have caused.
god. Now i'm worried about two relationships? my head hurts.
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