Our convo ran the gamut of a lot of things, mostly stuff the other person wasn't there for. We talked about who I was before...
"if he was around I might as well talk to him, cuz everything about you changed." I don't think that was an exact quote, but that was the gist. And looking back, I see that its true. "you dress different. You're more comfortable now. Even back when we first started out you were starting to open up more."
Gosh, when I think about these things... How long its really been, and how true the things he said are... But that's honestly not what this entry is about. Its about how easy it is to get lost in another.
I could have lost- or never had- everything that I am. I didn't know how important this person that I am now, how important she is. To me and to the world. I'm not tooting my own horn here, I'm just saying that if I wasn't here today there are people who would miss me.
I know someone who is like that now. Everything she says is "we/us/together" yada yada yada. Despite the fact that Kesi and I have been together for 6.5 years (ooh OOH!), we still have separate identities, then we have us. There isn't much difference between who we are together and apart, but one of us is not lost in the other. Its more complementary than overpowering.
This chick... I don't know her well enough that way to be like, "you need to find yourself." I remember a time when I was perfectly ok with following someone in whatever they wanted to do and be- a background singer to their rock star if you will. But I know what she's going through. She's blinded. Not by a bad guy per se, its just the way things are. Its easy to see someone with ambition and fall in love with it. Its also easy to let them lead. But...
(I think I'm rambling. Bear with me.) when I look at Barbie I know I could have been her. Oh so literally. I could have had that baby and had to make the choice to stay with Ken even though he's, well, him, or leave and figure things out on my own, with no one to lean on, mainly because he's helped me alienate my loved ones (despite all my bravado a few months ago, its for this reason, and the fact that he's not helping her see that Christianity is an aspiration, that I still answer some of her texts). I could have been swallowed up in his bravado and charisma, his cult of personality. It would have been far worse for me than it is for her, cuz I love deeper than she. Likewise, I see this woman hitting the same path. Standing in the background and never taking the lead. Maybe getting married because he asked. Moving in because it seems "time." loving because he loves, and she thinks no one else will or could. Having earth shattering arguments yet snuggling next to him in bed that night.
And what could you do without him? Who could you be? Where is your future?
Its everywhere. Life goes the fuck on. Cry once and realize that you're still in your skin. Do something. Be someone. Cuz shadows disappear when the lights come on.
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7 comments:
It is very hard to keep your identity in an intense relationship. I remember when I was watching Love Jones for the first time, how Nia Long's character subtly started acting like Larenz Tate's character including the smoking. I think that captured the way a lot of relationships go. Good Post, Joy!
You're not rambling...I get exactly what you're saying.
I agree with Rah...it's definitely hard to keep your identity, but it is soooooooo important.
When you totally and willingly lose your sense of self it's so sad. Luv this line, "cuz shadows disappear when the lights come on" Real talk!
I'm usually the rock star in the situation. Follow my lead, groupies. Lol. Ok I know this was a serious post but I couldn't help that! I like life-blending. It makes it that much harder but doing it also taught me that I NEED MY OWN FRIENDS!!! I always had my own stuff (activities etc and more friends just spread out) but maybe one good break (and hopefully not too far from now) will do it for her.
they should be partners
I woulda missed you. :-)
I think it's easy to lose yourself in big personalities. Especially if you don't have one of your own or if you are still defining yours. Especially when that person is a nutcase, all of that charm and charisma is even more intense.
It's natural to pick up little habits (special words or inflections) after spending alot of time together. It's a whole 'nother thing when your personality becomes their own.
Rashan- I tried to post on your blog that I'm probably the only Negro who's never seen that movie. Lol. But I catch you. Thanks.
Diva- so important. You're there to enhance the bond of the life to have now with the life you lived before you two were together.
Jam- lol lawd knows your the rock star. But at the same time I know you want a strong lead guitarist, lol. They need a good break, I think.
La- aw. *hug*tear* that's one of the things we talked about too... How I was kinda isolated from you at that point. It sounds like you're talking about someone specific... Hmm...
cant see u as being a jew
would u be a zionist then too?
and stp up the old school rB game folk
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