trying...hard

whatever i gave wasnt all i could give you
i still have a lot more left
i held on to it though it regenerates
as if it encased my last breath
time is supposed to be healing
but somehow it made me a miser
for all this womanly contemplation
i question if i am the wiser
i dont like to do these things i'm not good at
fake a move but i'm staying right here
i do a good job of pretending
diverting you from my worst fear
whatever you saw there was more of
hidden in shadows and night
believing what showed through this pretense
would cause your affection to blight
this is not all to say i dont love you
or to state that this romance is dying
but whatever i got i'm giving out
so take it and trust that i'm trying


as the title of my blog suggests, i am indeed on the quest for self improvement. and as the title of the poem suggests, i am trying. hard. those that know me best know that deep down, i am REALLY shallow. i try to make a joke of it, but at one point in my life i had such low self esteem that my only defense was to pick people apart in my mind until they were below me. i did this in order to function, really. to get on stage and act, to go to school with people who teased me and not cry when they did so...at some point it became commonplace, and if you could transcend that you were my friend. i could take all these things i picked apart i could put back together in order to love you.

the only person who truly has had all of me, up until recently, was lauren. i admired her from day one due to her unstoppable confidence. only after knowing her for a LOOOOOONG time did i realize it was an act. and that didnt make me admire her any less. on the contrary, actually. those that i could not pick apart- i.e. lala- i would respect and aspire to. even as a person who wore this "having it together" mask. cause i have always worn my heart (and my emotions in general) right on my sleeve. if i like you, i love you. if i hate you....oh, you might as well die when i look at you. but i digress. she was- is- my best friend, for this reason. though for some reason i never bothered to master that trait i so enjoyed in her. i guess that goes back to the not liking to do things i'm not good at.

and now there is kesi. my doll. my heart. he has all of me now. they both do. which gets to be complicated when they are both around, which isnt often. i have been told i neglect people when he is around. oops. i mean, can you blame me? he's the man i want to marry!!!!! in my logic, i am not going to spend my life with anyone else but him. every one else will move in and out, come and go, and he will be there when i sleep at night. so excuse me if i leave my cousins at a bar because he needs to go home cuz he's tired. pardon me, aunt dee, for not walking two grown men the two blocks to my house from the bar. ooh...got a bit touchy there, huh?

what i was going to say was this. i realized that due to my shallowness and some abandonment issues i'll discuss at a later date, i had been treating him pretty bad. a little verbally abusive, i guess you could call it i didnt notice this, until he told me, cuz yes, i am that shallow. what are we talking about here, people!!! so once he did call this ass-holishness to my attention, i decided that i should make a change. i need to get on this whole "good person" thing i claim to be, before i move on to the next stages of my life. i need a good foundation. i want to be able to not be the hipocrite all parents are when i tell my kids who to be and who not to be. so i am trying. if you see me, or talk to me or anyhting else, tell me how i am doing. what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger.