i think youre smart, you sweet thing...tell me your name, i'm dying here.

A few days ago, in nostalgia over our impending four year anniversary, i was looking at photos my boyfriend and i took together. Four years. The best i've ever experienced. So why did i do that "secret tears" thing i do when i kind of do/dont want him to know i'm crying? The answer goes back to the begining. cue flashback.

Seven years ago, i'm sitting on the floor outside the chorus room with my new friend brandi(oh how time flies), when this tall, skinny boy walks by. She says hi and introduces us, and he goes on his way, off to the tv prod. room. I ask brandi his name again, and ask her if he's foreign. I think he's cute. I inquire more about his name and determine that he's middle eastern, and i like that. Of course i would find this not to be true, but he was still cute.

And here we are now, dating, loving, planning our future, and he tells me that for legal reasons- read: someone very close to him is stealing his identity-, he may have to change his name. To what, who knows. But he wont be him, not by name.

I love his name, which i will not and have not stated (kesi is his middle name). I love saying it, writing it; when people ask me what it is, i love saying it a few times until they get it right, then explaining that its a family name, and that we only know of four other people with that first name who have existed in america. It was what attracted me to him. An unusual name for an unusual man. All the other losers i dated were named jason, ronald, michael... Bland, unextraordinary names.

So i cried. I wanted him to know because i always want him to know how i feel, but i didnt because i didnt want to get in the way of something he has to do. i didnt tell him that i was and he didnt figure it out. we kind of breezed off the subject. I wanted to give my son that name. I still might. But i guess its not so much of a legacy if someone with that name makes it so you have to change it. In a way i feel like i'm overreacting, but i imagined marrying "kesi", not "billy normal-dude". Even if its in name only.

Whatever happens, i'll still love him. Maybe he could change his name every four years and it'll be like i'm dating a whole new guy! That looks just like my ex... Who had the coolest name.