Phone tap

Ok, so here's the scene. I just got off work and as usual I am waiting at the train station for Kesi, who is still working. It is about 1245. I have on a pink tee and a black and white diagonal striped skirt, carrying a lime green bag with my crochet stuff in it. I tell you all this in case I come up missing, lol.

I am sitting on a bench next to a nice old man. I chose to sit here because the main benches are inhabited by ex cons. How do I know that? Well they all get in a van with an outline of the state on it, and some letters on the side which include DOC. Yeah, as the only female out here, not prone to talking to people in general, I'm gonna sit by old dude.

"scuse me miss lady." The other girl just got in her ride. "can I use your phone for a second?" I shake my head no and he goes about his biz.

I text Mo about our crazy manager and look at a few of your blogs. Check out Honey Libra who just got the "I love you." how lovely! Yay!

"ay shawty. Can I ask you for a favor?" he's still walking toward me. "Can I use your phone? Can I pay you to use it?" again, he gets the shake. Am I the only one with a phone out here? And if you have money, how bout a payphone? "people down here are rude!" he says.

"I'm not from here." you may think I'm rude, but believe this is all northern rudeness popping off here. And between 10 dudes no one has 2 quarters? Psh. Gtfoh. I attempt to text Lauren and ask her if I am just being a bitch, and she totally reads my mind. "No. I never let random people use my phone. Who's to say they won't run off w/it?"

Thank you! Not to mention mid-text another dude walks up. And while typing this, two more. Come on! Really? I'm not the type to concede given the appearance or approach of the person who asks. If I say no to one, I say no to all. Why?

1. I am a 130 lb female with no particular self defense training besides what I learned in elementary school, which was to lay on the ground and kick and scream. I kind of look the same as I did in high school, except I gained weight. All I have is a phone and a knife. I'd rather have the option of running away and calling for help than having to stab somebody. But if you run away with my phone, what choice do I have? I will not hesitate to hurt somebody if I feel threatened. And as a person not looking to get taken, I have to stand my ground. No wavering on decisions.

2. My phone is expensive. Let alone all the ish that's in it. I may be addicted, but I also hear that Atlanta is the #1 city for overtexting/emailing. If I leave my phone at home and head to work, I can't function. I find myself reaching for it and its not there. Its really deep.

3. I don't want your nasty ear prints on my phone. I HATE that! I don't know where your ear has been. And your hands? Don't get me started. I spend all day trying to avoid touching people's hands, and then someone wants to touch all on my phone? And they've probably been working labor all day too. Men have rough hands as it is. My father is an ex con, so its not even about that. I'm wary of all men that I don't know. And some I do know.

Is this a reasonable suggestion to make to a person? To ask to borrow their personal belongings? "lemme borrow your ID. Can I hold your birth control for a second?" either way you're putting me in a dangerous position.
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Everybody else is doing it...

Except Jameil. She's a blog prude.

1. Lace or silk?
Lace. Although cotton isn't bad if you do it right. Comfort is #1.

2. Do you subscribe to (or regularly buy) any "dirty" magazines? Which ones?
No. What need would I have? I'm not attracted to random women, especially not physically, and I wouldn't buy a mag full of dudes. I hate gratuitous male nudity.

3. Have you ever had sex in the water (tub/pool/lake/ocean)?
Like the consensous, just the shower. Although Kesi and I kissed underwater in the swamps one time, and I got a mouthful of okefenoke.

4. The three words that best describe you in bed are...
Loud, crazy, bendy.

5. The three words that best describe your most recent partner in bed are...
Confident, satisfying, tempting.

6. Did you lose your virginity as an impetuous youth, "to prove that you loved him," because of a romantic gesture, a newlywed, or other?
I'd have to go with impetuous youth. I wanted to get it overwith and see what the fuss was.

****BONUS ROUND****

Name three words that:

Get you excited: visit, vacation, overtime pay (compound word)

Make you squirm: coagulate, Cannibal, microorganism.

Make you laugh: Wesley, uhhh (said really close in my ear), thong-sanders. (all inside jokes of course.)
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new new ish

i made it to the qwik e mart! yay! this did take alot, and im not sure the image i uploaded had anything to do with the pic. but its all good.

aint i cute? this is the shirt/ scarf combo. strangely, the light washed out the pink in the scarf and the mint in the shirt. and as you can see, its not polka dots, though im sure i could. also, found the timer on my camera and i took this pic myself.

here's the scarf on the bed. the concept was overlapping squares of different sizes. its all abstract! i figure if im doing something for me i can get a lil daring.

a pillow i made for a coworker. remember that hater who was agrivating me at work, talking about my technique? well the woman who i made this for asked her first, and she said what she got was not what she asked for. she really liked mine and of course wants me to do more. karma baby.

at long last, the puerto rican flag is finito. its not all in frame, thats how big it is. and heavy!!! mr PR's dad wants one now, but mr PR is being funny cuz of course he wants to be the only one. we'll see.

and check out my myspace pg for pix of me.

Trying to get over...

This unsettled feeling I have. I'm such an empathetic person, and when my bff's feel pain I want to take it away. Since I can't do it I climb in that hole with them. Damn it.

This post was supposed to help me change the subject but to go from this subject to the subject I wanted to move on to would seem so heartless. Even if only to me.

Breezy called the job today and I picked up. It was odd because last time I checked he was at work. He was crying. Shit. "my grandma just died." I sent him a text telling him I got his back on whatever and he sent me back a thanks. I'd never heard him talk about his grandmother and figured he was crying cuz his mom was there. I could hear other women in the background.

Later, I went to get a card for him, and our supervisor said I was mistaken and it was breezy's girlfriend's grandma who died. Double shit. I knew her. We danced at the Christmas party. Taps was the one who found her colapsed on the floor and called Breezy, frantic and screaming. In my mind I know, but hope that it isn't true, that taps's daughter was there too when it happened.

All of this just makes for a situation I wouldn't wish on anyone. This was the nicest, realest woman. You know, one that everyone calls Mama or Grandma, and she's not afraid to treat you like she raised you herself. And she did raise Taps.

I wish I could be there, and she knows I'll do anything to help her, but when people die you never really know what to do. You don't know whether to get them to talk or sit there in silence. To hug or let them sit. I don't know if I should call... I want to pay my respects... Geez.

She just told me her grandma's birthday was in 2 weeks. God, we were just talking about her not 8 hours ago! Who knew? And where would we be if things were just a little different? I have the fear every day that my grandma's not going to be here much longer, but her grandma wasn't as old or sick as mine. She still worked, she was always out and about... It was totally unexpected.

I could keep going on. Really I could. So many thoughts are going through my head. Ugh.
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Will you go out with me?

I feel like a secret girlfriend. I told someone I hardly see Kesi before midnight. Its a rare event, unless he is staying over, and that doesn't really count. We hardly go out.

I think I have tomorrow off. See, he has every Saturday off and I usually don't. So I think we're gonna go to the movies. Whenever we have the same days off its automatic couple day. I hijack his day. Eff what you have to do! I'm tagging along! The last day (not night) we spent together was the lake trip. And we really didn't hang, he chilled with the boys and I chilled with the girls.

Sidenote: the girls I hung out with were named Britney and Jen, the two whitest names in the history of names. Seriously. There's a list somewhere; look it up.

Speaking of the lake, my trip is in 2 weeks! "Taps," Breezy's girlfriend, asked me if we were still on. Hells yeah! She's like me: hiking, swimming, the whole nine. She wants to sleep under the stars, which is nice, and I guess I'll have to find my sleeping bags. 2.5 days away from the world, having fun with nature. Yay! Kesi said we should bring a chainsaw, I guess in case this turns into a horror movie? "there are some things too big for a knife but too small for a gun, and what's the medium? A chain saw." we're staying at camp crystal lake, apparently.

I figured out what's wrong with my phone. I need an upgrade to my system. Once that happens I should be able to comment again. Hoo-rah! I feel like a slacker not talking back to you guys, and I've taken to reading new blogs and they don't even know I'm there! How lurky of me!

So, who else is going to see the Simpson's movie? I am! Hopefully tomorrow. I'm gonna wear my itchy and scratchy shirt. Am I a fan or what? I love stace's simpsonization. Looks real jazzy. I can't wait to do mine. I looked up 7elevens so I could get my qwik-e-mart poppin, but there's only one in Atlanta and it is not nearby. That's fine. I guess I wasn't meant to have krusty O's.

Til next time!

Ps, Jameil, that dress is fly!


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Promise me.

What a world we're in when I even have to ask.

My store has to keep the TV on something neutral. Its the only sound in the place, besides the faint music coming from starbucks and we can only hear that in the front. So we keep it on CNNHN, which is the same stories over and over until 7 PM. (btw, did anyone else notice lindz definitely had coke nose in her mugshot? Look at it again...)

This does 2 things. 1: I know all the main stories in a matter of hours, and if a guest catches a portion of it I can tell them the rest. 2: I get a tad depressed. Especially if Nancy Grace is on talking about another missing mom.

1. The woman whose husband sniped her while she was onstage singing.

2. Yesterday's news of a drunk woman running over her fiance and killing him when he's trying to get her out of the car.

3. Missing Ohio woman, who it was later found she was killed in front of her 2 year old son, by his father. The child now doesn't have a MP or dad and is pretty much scarred for life whether he knows it or not.

4. Chris Benoit, who over the course of a weekend killed his wife, son, and self. People think it was steroids, but I'm not buying it. I think that's the easy way out cuz he was so much of a star based on his merits and not hype, but I think he had serious issues. If he sedated his poor son that sounds premeditated to me.

5. Do I really need to go on? There's a new one every other day.

All this makes me really not want to get married. It doesn't seem to bode well for some. On one hand I think some of these people had to know what their spouse was capable of, but there's the fear of being alone or that "but I love him" syndrome. You know, when you'll forgive just about anything until its too late.

I speak out of semi-personal experience. I was talking to Kesi about this the other night, and I told him that my ex was the type that, if you're on his good side, like I once was, you're his angel, you can do no wrong. Everything is forgiveable. But if you're on his bad side, like his parents or even mine, and me now, well then you better look out. He would go on tirades about them and others, and had a violent side that I witnessed- he could be completely blown up at this person or that, and come to me with an apology for his behavior. I've heard now that he's married he's actually blown up on his wife, who is completely alienated from the world.

So in this conversation with Kesi, who has never been violent toward me (or anyone) in more than a play fighting way- we addressed early on that if he EVER hit me he'd be stabbed with a hot knife- I asked him to make me a promise.

"promise me that you'll never kill me." who would figure that I'd need to ask? I don't see any murderous tendencies in him. He once found out that someone hit me and tried to go after them with a bat, but that is understandable. A guest at work told me yesterday that things change in a person and you never know, but I think there's always a hint whether you ignore them or not, and I'd much rather be alone and alive.

Of course he said he could make that promise. But it is just so odd. I've never been an idealist in that way, that I believe in happily ever after. I know life happens and you never know. But could things go so wrong that I could die? Geez.
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I need love, love, love, love...

Time for another love list. What is this, #3? I think so... Anyway, on with the love!

*that robin thicke song I quoted in my title.

*2 am french fries when I was cramping. (thanks babe)

*my new scarf that matches my polka dot shirt, which I am currently in the middle of making and will surely show pix of.

*the puerto rican flag which I am done with, and which you will also see soon. And trading it for some serious cheese, and the word of mouth campaign Mr Puerto Rico is on.

*Big Love. I love the fact that they really think they're normal. HBO has some of the best shows. Margene is a nut. She wanted a new wife, and her husband says, "I have to make sure its the Holy Spirit talking to me." and she said, "how do you know its not talking to me?" touche. I've got my mom watching, which has us in this theological conversation, and she's consistently pausing the dvr to explain to me the inner workings of this particular cult. The history of it is insane. Almost as bad as scientology. tou know what they say about a little truth mixed with the lies? Mmhmm. But its still a great show. And its realistic. Some Mormon family probably does have this life: not every first wife can be completely ok with it, and not every child will accept it.

*the double java chip frappucinno. Even though my stomach does not like it as much.

*the fact that I had the motivation to clean my room.

*my new book and things to write about.

*David sedaris. (thanks Jameil!) he's so funny! And I see a lot of myself in his stories and I can always root for him, even when he hates the wheelchair-bound.

*ignoring my supervisor when she says or does some dumb ish. Its getting ever more frequent. I've taken to humming Amy Wino and only speaking to her when necessary.

*the fact that Lauren and I are planning my wedding. No, you didn't miss anything, but I've had ideas in my head for a while and she's always been in charge of my wedding planning. We were really discussing it the other night like I've already been proposed to.

*mikey. Breezy asked me if he was still alive. What? If he were dead I'd be somewhere crying. Yes, he's still my roommate and he's happy, though every other day the spiders are trying to redecorate his crib. I think I need to find him a lady though.

*Katie and Peter. It comes on E! and I only catch it in the middle of the night, but I loves that show. Kate is a riot and their kids are adorable. I looked her up on google and got quite an eyefull, and now the show makes more sense to me cuz I couldn't see before how she was so wild and nutty.

*being a passenger.

*MIA. She's a rapper "from" London. I say that cuz she's actually Indian, but ldn is where she lives. She's so off the wall. And her new album is coming out in August. She does the damn thing.

*french fries. (yes I already mentioned them) My BIL calls me Irish cuz I must have fries. No, I shouldn't eat them every day, and I try to resist, but they have a hold over me. My fave are McDonald's, Wendy's Checkers, Chik-fil-a, and Krystal (too much salt!), in that order.

*winning the argument for Christian gays with this particular statement. "why is it that you believe that being gay is such a horrible sin? Is it more of a sin than anything you do? Are you having premarital sex? Are you drinking or smoking weed, do you steal? What makes it so much more than those things you do? Is it because you don't do them? I believe that 1: church is for sinners, and if that's the case they need to be there all the more, and 2: the Lord is the one that judges us, so whatever you say is irrelevant. A homosexual may not be able to hide their sin as easily as you can, but it gives you no right to be their judge." boom. Whether or not I believe that its wrong, I don't think its my place to judge. There are many gay people in my life who I love, and I've been assumed to be gay myself by others, in secret and aloud. I look at things as if this were my child, or my brother or sister, and I would want them to be as happy and normal as possible.

*the fact that I have 1601 songs on my mp3 player right now. And its not even half full! Yay! 30 gigs all around.

*Ryan Cameron's interpretation of kellie Roland's colapse, which consists of a woman singing, "all my ladies!" and then a tumbling thump. That man is my hero. Also, his use of t-pain's "yeah, uh huh" to make a caller's comments sound that much more crazy.

*the fact that you loved my previous post. My life is literally marked with instances in which I felt awkward in my body, and that was one of the few times I felt really comfortable. That airbrush left a nice dark smudge from my neck down my right arm for the first few days after. People thought I was dirty, lol. I will definitely post on the second time I did it, which is more comedy than drama.

* last and certainly not least, I love you!
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Throwback: the butterfly

I wrote this essay/story for a class a few years ago, and mentioned it last week when I was talking about everyone talking about sex. Its all true, with the original names of people, and it was posted on myspace for a while to no real response. Anyways, enjoy it. For such a short piece I think it says a lot about me and my life. PS: I did do it again. But that's a whole other story.

The Butterfly

I lived the first half of my life in Connecticut. Until I was 11, I and almost all my family lived in Bridgeport, the biggest city in the state. It wasn't the average town you would find; no big houses or really nice cars you would see on TV. But we had an attitude of aristocracy. It seemed as though a person ran the risk of being disowned, or at least that's how I felt, if she did something that made her mother's lips tighten or eyes widen. We were to carry ourselves with an underlying stodginess and self control, never to do anything scandalous or shocking.

Bridgeport is a beach town among other things, and I was a little girl who loved to swim. Luckily for me, I went to one of the two schools in the city with a pool. In fourth grade, when most of us were tall enough to stand in the shallow end, we started swim class. Being able to spend an hour a week in the middle of a school day in a swimming pool was great. Fifty of my friends and myself, kicking our legs and fighting over inner tubes, and three P.E. coaches to watch over us. My favorite thing to do was back flip in the water, or handstand, my feet out of water from the ankles down. Later that year I would scar myself mentally by jumping into the deep end during a lesson, forcing one of the meaner coaches to have to jump in after me and pull me out. His big hairy hand flung out, banishing me to the shallow end. I still don't know how to swim in deep water.

After class we would shower and dress. Despite being 10 years old, small and curveless, we would shower in our bathing suits, and have our best friends hold up towels while we put on our training bras and underwear. I think that "Your Body and You" movie we had been forced to watch that year may have made us self-conscious, despite having nothing to be conscious of. This applied to all of us except Brandi Brown. Brandi was a lively girl, fearless, who would speak her mind after the age when most of us had learned not to. Brandi would stand right at her locker, on top of her towel, and strip out of her bathing suit, not caring who was watching. A boy could walk in and I don't think she would have noticed. But we surely noticed her.

"Brandi, God, what size bra is that?" a very disgusted sounding voice echoed in the locker room. 34C, for an adult, might be normal. But for a girl not out of elementary school, well, she was not normal, or so we felt. Some of us made it known.

Brandi stood her ground. "My mother told me to be proud of my body." And she was. One day she wore an actual tutu to dance class, while the rest of us wore sweats and leggings. And when Sam Morales pulled her bra out of her book bag in front of the entire class, she wasn't near as embarrassed as I would have been.

Later, looking back on these memories, I thought to myself: had my mother taught me the same thing? She taught me about my body parts, and told me what would look good on my small, boyish frame. But I was never in the room with her when she would dress, and I never saw her be proud of herself. After my brother was born and she would take us to the beach, I wore my pink and checkered bathing suit, and she wore an oversized tee shirt and never got in the water. I never saw my parents kiss, or for that matter, hug. Where I was affectionate and casual with the opposite sex, she was stern.

No, my mother hadn't taught me to love myself. But I never knew it until she said it.

One week before my 20th birthday, a work friend, Toiya, invited me to be in a body art show that she was putting together. It was for a women's organization that she was a part of, and I agreed since it was for a good cause. I felt good about it, knowing I'd be in costume, like any other show I had done. It wasn't like I'd really be naked.

The day of the show, I arrived at the venue in the middle of downtown Atlanta. As I entered, a woman asked me, "Are you the Butterfly?" I just looked at her. I thought she was being hypothetical. "Is this the butterfly?" she turned to someone else, clearly in a hurry. It turned out I was.

I was to wear hand-airbrushed wings made by a local artist. As for my own body, I was to be airbrushed too, which I later found out hurts very much in certain places. I stood in the middle of the backstage area, on a box, while he sprayed 90% of my body, except my hair and what was covered by the wings. Everyone watched him do it, which was weird, because that meant everyone was looking at me, almost naked, standing on my own tiny stage. When he was done I felt clothed, comfortable. I wasn't a naked person, I was a walking canvas. When they told me I would go out on stage first, I was fine with it. I took pictures of myself and others and showed them off at work and too my friends. Everyone loved them. They were amazed at the job that was done. No one saw me, really. They saw a butterfly. Then I showed my mother.

"What would make you think I am OK with this?" She was the only one that didn't smile when she saw me there. "What do you think Jesus would say if he were in the audience?" I didn't tell her I thought Jesus would appreciate someone creating art. To her, I might as well have been dancing naked, swinging on a pole. I left her, crying. It was the only time I hadn't felt proud of what I'd done.

A few days later, Toiya came to me at work and told me how successful the show had been. Her charity had raised lots of money, and magazines and newspapers had given it great reviews. They wanted to do another soon. "Don't tell anyone, but I think you looked the best," she whispered to me before she walked away.Those words echoed in my head all day. Later, before bathing, I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. It didn't matter what people thought of me, what I did, as long as I was fine with it. The way I felt that night, almost naked in a room full of strangers, is the way I should always feel. That night, and every night since, I showered without my bathing suit.
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On a lighter note

I love commercials right now. Those geek squad ones, especially the one with the "mandroid." lol loves it. I wish IMDB listed people's commercial work too. I'd love to know who some of these people are.

And have you seen this? http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/13886727.html loves it. The dresses look better as cartoons, especially that devilish viktor and rolf. Where am I supposed to wear that? Ugh! I am all in simpsons mania, as evidenced by my myspace pic. My friend had a squishy, but I don't even remember the last time I saw a 7-11. I do wish though that dunkin donuts had the simpsons donuts. Just my luck it'll be krispy kreem. Blagh. Hate them! Does every donut have to be glazed? Really? Then the ones that aren't are super dry. But I digress. I'm going to see the movie when it comes out. Already missed the transformers boat, as everyone except me has seen it.

Kesi called me a brat yesterday. I really took it to heart. I'm ok with being a brat sometimes, but if it gets to the point that he's telling me? I need to do something. I can't wait til our vacation. We need to be away from stress. Yet I feel like I should do something now to show him that I'm actually paying attention and appreciate him.

I bought a notebook so I could start writing. Actually writing, not typing. I think that will help, and keep me less dependent on my berry for everything. I mean, it does a lot, and certain people might think I'm addicted. I didn't invent the term "crackberry," people!
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Life

"will I ever get to where I'm going? If I do, will I know when I am there? If the wind blew me in the right direction, would I even care?" incubus- "nowhere fast"

The truth is, I want to go back to school. But I don't see myself doing that right now. I have the immediate need to make money, due to the fact that my mother is still unemployed. I'm beginning to harbor some resentment toward her for the way our house is looking (if you're there all day, why is the kitchen a pure mess?) but I feel like she might be a tad depressed so I don't push it. I know she's trying. The plan was never to have me footing the bills, but to help me get my credit up, and now we're in survival mode.

The point is, besides the fact that if I were to go to school now the much needed job would fall by the wayside and I'd probably only go 3-4 days a week, there's also the irony that I'm so tired that I haven't had the time to register. I get home at 1 or later, sleep til 11, and get up to do it again. The one time I tried to get up early enough to go register, my body said no. Gave up on me. Went back to sleep for another 5 hours.

So as school continues to be held back, many an idea has popped into my head. Things I could do in my nonexistent spare time to feed my artistic side and make things happen. I was supposed to do 2 animated projects with my bro. The one for my grandma... I still want to but that's dependent on other family members, who I have to nag about it. The other one hasn't gotten off the ground. I wanted to write about Lauren's and my friendship, but I haven't gotten very far in that either. I wanted to see what the Center for Puppetry Arts was all about, but I haven't even been to the site yet. Its not like I don't have ideas, or ambition, I just can't follow through. Its not like I don't want to. I'm in a routine, a circle, and its hard for me to get out of it. Also, any real spare time has been spent crocheting one thing or another. I barely have time to blog, except I do it when I can't crochet, like now when I'm walking down the street.

I need a new job. Its not that I don't like my job, and love most of the people I work with, its just not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I need to get on that road. I'm 23 and I really have no resume. I've shown that I work hard and can keep a job, but its not really going anywhere for me right now. And with the stress that's going on there: the assy manager, the lack of staff and days off, its not really doing anything for me but making me really tired. If the money was better...

I just think I really need a drastic change. My life isn't really where I want it to be. I can't let life happen to me. I have to live it. I had a lot of epiphanies during the "year of joy" a few years back, one of which was that if I'm not happy, what's the point? And I'm not happy right now.

Btw, here's the rest of that song. If you don't listen to incubus, they're a definite recommendation. The lyrics alone are enough to get you.

"Will I ever get to where it is that I am going?
Will I ever follow through with what I, what I had planned?
I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would.
I take a look around; it's evident the scene has changed.
And there are times when I feel improved upon the past.
Then there are times when I can't seem to understand at all
and yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere...really fucking fast
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would. I would. I would"
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Devil woman

There's this woman I know. She is quite possibly the worst human I have ever met and had the misfortune to have to be associated with. And I have known some people, lemme tell you.

She's impossibly rude. Even in leisurely conversation, she will interrupt you and carry on as if you are there to marvel in the wonders of her life. I have since stopped asking her about her personal life, for I simply will not place myself in a possition to be looked down upon. And god forbid the conversation isn't a nice one. You'll never get a word in and I'd she's wrong, she'll being something up that's totally unrelated to the issue at hand.

She is incompassionate. I don't think that's a word but who cares. We one day found out that a coworker's sister was in the hospital and needed emergency surgery. As the coworker is crying, she says, "what are you crying for? If that was me I wouldn't be all boo hoo-ing!" I told her it was because she was heartless.

She's the type of person who feels everyone should respond to her whim. If she is in a bad mood, we all must be very careful not to piss her off. That's where my personal conflict with her came in. She tends to talk to people any old way, and when I made it clear that was not an option, she told me that I "would not want a confrontation" with her. I told her that was her choice. And I went on smiling about my day. Yes this person is my supervisor, but no, she isn't my mother, and beginning a sentence addressed to me with, "what did I tell you..." is not gonna fly. I am an adult, in case you haven't heard.

People say all the time, "she's so rude! I can't stand the way she talks. She and I got into it over this and that." and I'd say, that's just the way she is. But I'm starting to realize that "the way she is" is horrible. She's such a bad person. I wonder how her fiance deals with her.

The two of them got into an argument thursday. She decided that we were the ones to blame I guess. I heard them on the phone fighting in their language. A group of fed up employees' complaints brought it to the point where she is now in a meeting with our store manager and the other supervisors. I wonder how this is going to end. In a way, I want her to leave. But at the same time, I don't feel like I'll be at my job much longer. I need a change (more on that later). I just also needed to vent. I've never met someone so inredeemable in my life! Maybe its all a test for me. I hope I'm passing.
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The visit.

So yeah I had a lot to do with my hands this week. I was finally finishing my puerto rican flag- pix soon- and I just finished "naked" by David Sedaris, which is so funny and I kinda wanna go to a nudist "trailer park." anyways, I was so busy that I haven't posted about Lauren's recent trip like I wanted to.

Yeah so she showed up on the third. I had to find someone to work for me so I could "go see my aunt." in reality we were headed to the Compound to the TI party. Oh we were so cute. After what seemed like forever getting ready (they came to get me first thing into town) La and Reka and I headed out lookin fly. Pix are at myspace. We stood in line after getting the lil passes and still had to pay out the rear to get in. Bah. Despite that, it was fun. We spent the time in line doing "commentary" on others and even made friends in the process! I don't remember their names but we acted a damn fool in that line. In the club Reka's ex was trying to impress and get back in her good graces. Aw.

Saw fonsworth Bentley in a damn suit! Can I just say that even though it was night, it was hot out man, and he looked like he was about to do the umbrella dance. And I know that he coulda dressed for the weather cuz I seen him before in a polo and shorts. He is almost as bad as my homie in the sweater vest.

Anywho, after the club we took our tired asses to the waffle house. Shh, Jameil! The food was banging but the air conditioner was on Morgue. And there was what I assume were drunk white kids behind us screaming the entire time we were there. Hate! The ex was monopolizing Reka. Lol but she wasn't interested. The ship has passed!

The next time I saw them was on my day off, Thursday. We went to my favorite restaurant, Gladys and Ron's, and we all had a midnight train. Its located right next to the hospital, just in case you catch the itis- coma, or, like Reka, you give yourself diabetes from drinking nothing but sweet tea the ENTIRE trip. We talked over lauren's tattoo, Reka's piercing, and the youngest person ever to have a baby (5 years old). Next: the mall. I tried not to spend my mortgage at the mall. There was a lot of cute stuff, and I ended up buying a tank that matched my shoes perfectly... But I had one that was close to the color and so it was kind of a waste. I'm gonna return it eventually. Lauren and Reka bought some adorable outfits and we searched for these purple and yellow nikes that la saw in Vegas. The guy at Champs was like, "maybe you imagined them..." boo. You suck. You're fired. (Eventually I went on amazon and found them) But we really went off for these shoes. The girls were shocked that I've never owned a pair of Nikes. A lot of people had them so that turned me off to them. Not sure why I never had any as a child. But once I got to a discerning age they weren't so attractive to me. Saw some nice plaid pumas though.

After that we went to lil 5 points to get Reka's nose pierced. Yes this is the same place Kesi didn't wanna take me on his "vacation." so when I went to the lil spot to get my henna, they were closed! Wtf? Its only 730! On a Thursday! So I went back across to where the girls were and after climbing a billion stairs it turns out the piercer is gone for the day. Blah. So we head to Holy Mother, where a work friend's hubby works. No go. They send us to a place called Kolo, which made us think of "culo," Spanish for booty.

I watched Reka get pierced. She teared a lil. We laughed when the lady told her she had to soak the piercing by dipping her nose in soapy water. Cute look. But the piercing was nice. She has a nose that's good for jewelry.

After that, (we really filled this day) we headed to my hood for some El Nopal. Ok now, this was the place that we went with Kesi's fam before graduation, and the experience was vastly different. There was an extremely loud birthday party there, which wouldn't have been a problem if we had gotten a waiter right away. Then, after we asked for a waiter, dude was extra whispery. That is such a pet peeve. Don't mumble at me! Especially when I'm talking at a normal tone to try to make you raise your voice.

Anyways, he brought us some un-alcoholic drinks. Can't remember what la had but I had a peach daiquiri, and I didn't notice at first that there was no liquor cuz I was so thirsty. But Lauren did. So when we asked dude to take it back, he was like, "if I do that, it'll come out of my money." so! I'm not paying for this mess! So he took them back and literally tossed a shot in the drink and brought it back. NO! Could I get a new drink?! Damn. Anyways we spoke to the manager and he was on that bull too. What happened to the customer is always right? Our food was fine but that drink ish was annoying. Add that to what I now see was lauren's annoyance at the myriad texts she was getting from her wack ex. I hate not tipping at all, but come the eff on. You gotta work for my dough.

We also saw final fantasy 2. Never saw the 1st one, but it wasn't hard to follow. We def hated on Jess alba's behind for her wig/contacts (come on! This movie made millions and this is the best you can do?) and the fact that she finally feels like she's escaped her latino-ness. I see that she's been raised that way, but I wouldn't go around saying that your fam wasn't proud of their roots. That's the modern day equivalent of "passing," only back in the day that was a part of survival. Now, people are proud of who they are and you are pretending that your fam aint Latino? Man please. Anyway, the movie was good, although there are certain things I wished and wondered, but I won't give it away.

Reka and I took pix with the simpsons! Yay! It was so cute! You can see them and others at myspace. Lauren thought we were nuts, but you know she wanted to do it to. I have a video of her acting just as silly that she refuses to let me post. Damn her! Its comedy gold I tell ya! It ends with us screaming in the streets of Atlantic Station at 230am, telling people to wake up. I don't know how people live there. You must be able to sleep through everthing, cuz we couldn't be the first fools to whoop and holler in the streets.

Had so much fun you guys. I miss my best friend. I can't wait til she moves back here. I can, but I don't want to.
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I'm not that deep.

FYI, you all are awesome. I still can't comment from my phone, but I'd like to ask shani why I gotta be a slut? Damn shawty. Lol. I tried to talk to the Tmobile guy in the mall to get this prob resolved, but the first time I walked by him I had to pee, the second time there was a crowd around him, and the third time his ass was gone. Punk.

Lauren came back this week, along with our girl Reka. She's gone now. I can't really call what I am having a "loser week" cuz I literally had only one day off this week and I feel right now that I'm having a "loser month" maybe even a "loser fiscal year." I'll spare you but know I'm really trying to stay sane in life.

Lauren and I did look at the iPhone. The Joy is not impressed. It doesn't do much that my phone doesn't, and the things that my phone can't do, I really don't want it to. For instance, I can't watch movies on my phone (actually I could but that would require an as yet nonexistent memory card) but why would I want to? I use my phone for leisure. So I'm sitting there watching my iPhone movie, chilling out, and someone calls. Now I gotta choose between talking to your behind and watching my movie? Damn! Boo! The iPhone gets a boo. The plan is wack. 400 minutes and barely any texts, for like 60? Nah. I get unlimited texts and 200 more minutes for less. Also, lauren's manicured acrylicked nails had a hell of a time tapping the screen. We thought something was wrong with that phone when in reality its not reacting to her flyness. That's all, really. But I wasn't impressed. Then again, I didn't really want an iPod either.

I'm so tired of people telling me my TV at work is fuzzy. Damn it what makes you think my ass doesn't know that? I work here! Gosh! Our cable connection is crap cuz of the upstairs construction. I'm aware stranger. Also, how stupid are you if you ask if the starbucks has phone cards? No. No fool. I need a vacation.

And I might finally be going on one. Myself, Kesi, and 4 of our friends are headed to a cabin by the lake in August. Whoo! Weekend seclusion and fun times! Its strictly a couples thing. Three of us having a nice weekend away from work and (their) kids. I figure we'll make breakfast and go on walks and tramp around the lake.

You know what song I HATE? "put me in the pocket." that song is ass. Firstly, why the high pitched thing? Secondly, the guy looks so wack. A powder blue tank top? Stop it. Its definitely a girl's shirt and its super tight. And an afro is not the jumpoff when you're going bald. On another note, what is "so krispy"? That is all.

Jameil, I think whatever you do to your hair will be adorable. I'm about to re-color mine in a second. I had a funny thought yesterday: people are gonna think Kesi and I are one of those afrocentric, vegetarian, neo soul couples when his dreds get seriously long. Me with my fiery fro and trendy clothing and he with his locks, walking around in his all black, people are gonna REALLY ask us dumb questions. People kept saying to me, "you should lock your hair!" and while I like the look when I twist my hair, its too permanent. And don't tell me, Mo, that "you look like you would get your nose pierced, with your afro and all." as if one goes with the other, and I'm achieving the "conscious negro" look, complete with a qweli tee and hemp shoes. Boo.
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Happy birthday.

In January 2002 Kesi made his intentions known. He saw me in the hall one day and said to me, "I broke up with my girlfriend." He had this tone that hinted at how his brain completed the sentence: "...and we can get together now." At first I chose to ignore this advance, asking myself why he would tell me this and what was he trying to achieve. Then I gave in, kissing him in front of everyone and telling him I really enjoyed it.

On our first date as a couple, we went to the movies and made out through "How High." There was this passion around us that made us kiss and grope at every opportunity. The presence of others was probably the only thing that kept us from undressing each other publicly.

We had never really been alone. Even at the movies there was another woman in the theater, sitting in the front. She left halfway through. I don't know if that was because of us or the fact that it was a Thursday and late afternoon, when people usually are doing other things.

Later that night I "accidentally" told him I loved him and had to explain to him that I was not in love, although I could be, but wasn't at this time. He understood and told me he loved me too, as a friend.

The next Tuesday was my 18th birthday. Kesi had tried to wait until then to ask me to be his girlfriend but I was impatient and tired of smooching without commitment. People would ask, "are you two together?" and I would reply, "I don't know, are we?" in what was decidedly a "tone." I decided I wanted to smoke a little that day, and since it would be our one week anniversary, I wanted to be with him.

We went to his mother's house. He lived all the way in stone mountain at the time and my brother was at my house, so this was the only option. It was such a nice house, so clean. There was a fountain in the livingroom and white furniture. I wondered how she managed children and a clean house, remembering my aunt Diane's zebra striped couch and what the four kids that she'd helped raise did to it. There was a dimmer light over the big couch for "mood lighting," which I didn't notice at the time but definitely would become acqainted with in the future.

Simple conversation turned to talk of kicking each the other's ass, which led to wrestling and eventually kissing on the couch. I wore a white, off the shoulder top with a rose printed on the front, and impossibly tight jeans which were happily removed. Around the time my pink under-shirt was removed, I went to the point of no return.

"We need a condom," I whispered over the loud bass playing. As he got up to find one, I sat there with my thoughts: oh god, why did I say that? It just came out! What if he can't find one? What if he doesn't want to do it? He's so cute. Can't fuck this up. Don't wanna look stupid... What is this music that's playing? He's taking a while...

He returned...

We lay on the floor, I on my stomach, half covered by the blanket we were also on top of. He lay completely exposed, hovering over my back. "right shoulder, left shoulder..." he punctuated each statement with a kiss. "I'll be back." I watched him as he got up to go to the bathroom, embarrased for him at the fact that he didn't cover up, half wondering if I should look away. He didn't look back to see if I was watching.

I spent the next few minutes alone with a half-smile, thinking back. He was so sweet; kept asking if I was ok. But what happens now? It had only been a week! It was a really good week, but 7 official days none the less. I closed my eyes as Kesi re-entered the room.

"has this been on repeat?" I'm not sure who asked but we both realized what had been playing on the stereo for the duration of our time there. Three 6 Mafia's "tear the club up" was anything but love making music, yet it had been playing on repeat for over an hour. We shared a laugh and the desire to hear something else.

I changed into some of his clothes so mine wouldn't smell smoky, and joined him in the kitchen. He stood over the table in an a-shirt and black skull cap, and took a meticulous, long drag from the blunt I had acquired as a birthday gift from our friend Kris. I immediately began to laugh. "you look like a crackhead named Leroy!" we laughed together at the image in my head.

The weed had managed to make me pseudo phylosophical. While in an embrace, kneeling in a chair to reach him, I placed my head on his chest. His heart beat so slow. I asked if it was because he was high, and he told me it was always that way. I tried to explain to him that he was like two people to me. "When I look at you, its like, there's my friend Kesi, but then I close my eyes and listen to your heart beat, you're, like, my boyfriend, and when we kiss, you're my boyfriend, and then I look at you, and you're my friend again. You know? And when we're on the phone you kinda switch back and forth." (that's still true today, although I can articulate it better.) He was too high to follow along.

We stayed like that: high, talking about this and that, in each others' arms. It seemed like hours but hadn't been very long at all. Eventually we melted to the floor, he crawling to something in the livingroom while I warmed myself in the small rug on the kitchen floor. "you're a bad influence." I had told him that twice that day and this time he had to wonder why. "we had sex, skipped school, and smoked weed. You're going to lead me down the path to destruction."

"I would never destroy you." by this time he was over me, staring into my face. "I want to reassemble and build you."

Well, what the hell do you say that? I could not think of one logical sentence. I looked into his eyes and saw that he wasn't being cheesy or just trying to insure that we would have sex again. He really wanted me.

I just wanted to kiss him. And keep kissing him. And I did.
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Doin it

People have been talking about sex lately...

My mom told me my dad didn't see her naked until 1987. Ma! You had a child and a half by him before he ever saw you naked? No explaination could satisfy me as to why. I thought I was bad. For a while there I was flat out amazed at Kesi's ability to just strut away nude after we'd have sex. I couldn't just be naked without purpose (sex, shower), but now I guess he rubbed off on me in that way. I used to be the type to just get dressed right out of the shower. Now I linger a bit... I wrote a paper on my nudity issues for class a while back, and it did address that I didn't think my ma was comfy with herself. One day I'm sure I'll post it. It deals with my short time doing body art. Intrigued? You're wondering if I was a stripper? Lol.

Speaking of Kesi, I decided on a word for him. "insatiable." no matter how much sex we had the night before, he wakes up the next day like gropey Joe. I love him for it. I really do. If I ever doubt my flyness, I can just flirt in his general direction, and even after 5 years, if my fro is lopsided, stanky breath, and there's my intense need to shave, he's drooling like a puppy. Aw. Yeah.

My friend wants a kiss. And when she said this to me, I knew 2 things: one, she didn't want me to kiss her. Two, it aint a peck she's after. She wants passion. Embrace, longing looks, intensity, and some hot, considerably taller guy grabbing her and making her weak and blushy. She wants what Carrie Bradshaw referred to as the "movie kiss" and if it were in public that'd be ultimate. I can relate. I think it was a month after my stomatitis episode before Kesi would give me a proper kiss. Understandable; my tongue looked like a mine blast. But my friend is not a leper, she's actually a hottie and I wish I knew a single guy who is actually worthy enough to give her that. All the ones I know are raggedy, hence the single.

Stace and Lauren both mentioned their first times on their blog. Can I say, I I never actually knew when La lost her virginity. She and First Love were together for so long, I never really gave it any thought. Its funny that she waited a billion years. And if not for the drama, I'm sure she would have known about mine. See, much like Stace, I didn't think it was such a dramatic thing to wait on. I was such an optimist (read: sucker) that I could truck myself into emotions for anyone. "I like this guy well enough..." too bad he was a pure jerk. Long story short, I was grounded for the rest of the school year and had to get a summer job so my mom could "keep an eye on me." I still kept a boyfriend whether or not he was a) sexually active or b) actually worth keeping. Once I allowed myself to function without being a couple Kesi made his presence known. We had sex after a week. I had to make sure he knew I had never done that before and I usually like to wait a few months before a man gets to grope me. That's actually a funny story, our first time... Maybe I'll share it too.
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Panic.

I have but one fear. One real fear. I'm not afraid of spiders, even though they're gross. I'm not afraid of drowning; I know if it came to it I really know how to swim. I freak out at railroad tracks, but if I were really so scared I'd avoid them all together. The fear I have is one I can't avoid, especially being car-less as I am.

I went shopping yesterday. I've been invited to a very nice party and I needed to plan and get fly. I got some hot shoes- HOT shoes- and a new shirt. Kesi took me to the shopping center where he works but I had to take the bus home because his pseudo vacation is over and he has money to make.

Coming home it started to rain but it stopped before I got off the bus. And I walked home. In a thunder storm.

I'm terrified of thunder. Ok, lightning. Why don't they call it a lightning storm people? I digress. I hate lightning. When I was in high school my mom sent me out to the laundry room (attached but external to the house) during a thunderstorm. No sooner than I walked out the door that there was a big crash and lightning struck the patio behind the laundry room. I screamed and ran back inside and refused to go out until the next sunny day.

When we first moved to the new house and I had to walk home from work, my mom thought someone was chasing me because by the time I got there I was in tearful hysterics about the lightning. I have a fear.

So last night, after pausing my text convo with Lauren and taking out my headphones, I walked home and noticed that the lightning was ominously close. Like, maybe in my neighborhood. Maybe at my house! Oh damn. I started praying. "lord please let me get home safely, and let my family be alive when I get there." it was a mantra.

And then lightning struck. Right across the street from me! Omfg! I'm bugging out! It was like a pop, and a flash, and then the thunder... I wanted to run and scream and just be home already. But I didn't run. I think I read somewhere that lightning is attracted to certain things, and moving things are on that list. also, tall things, and since the lightning struck the very average length grass I was really troubled about this. I could be hit. The strikes show no discretion! Electricity is just zapping the effing ground all willy nilly! Who's to say!?

A car pulled up beside me. "need a ride?" it was a neighbor. "oh GOD yes! Thank you! I'm freaking out!" Mr neighbor drops me at my house while I'm trying to calm down. "so can I call you?"

Seriously dude? You're asking for my number during my panic attack? See, this is what's wrong with nigras. I would have forgiven the notion had he at least asked if I was ok.

I said no, but thanks for the ride, and booked it uphill to my door. I ran into my mom's arms and of course she thought someone was after me, then she started treating me like I was 6. "are you ok? Were you scared? Oh my poor baby." I love my mom.

Kesi said something might be after me. Or something of the sort. Really he said that I needed to fulfill my goals because something is trying to stop me. Deep. And also scary. That didn't help my fear. And also, I started crying. I wept. Wept damn it! This is serious! I am reading another David Sedaris book, "Naked," and I just happen to be in the story where the dad is telling them all these horror stories. His friend got hit and has a metal plate in his head and can't chew his food. Argh! That is not a coincidence that I'm reading that right now.

Does anyone else have a fear of lightning? Am I going crazy? I think I am. And now I have reason to believe it is my destiny to get hit. I tell ya what, next time I have to get off the bus during a thunderstorm, I'm gonna keep rolling until the storm is over.
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