The truth is, I want to go back to school. But I don't see myself doing that right now. I have the immediate need to make money, due to the fact that my mother is still unemployed. I'm beginning to harbor some resentment toward her for the way our house is looking (if you're there all day, why is the kitchen a pure mess?) but I feel like she might be a tad depressed so I don't push it. I know she's trying. The plan was never to have me footing the bills, but to help me get my credit up, and now we're in survival mode.
The point is, besides the fact that if I were to go to school now the much needed job would fall by the wayside and I'd probably only go 3-4 days a week, there's also the irony that I'm so tired that I haven't had the time to register. I get home at 1 or later, sleep til 11, and get up to do it again. The one time I tried to get up early enough to go register, my body said no. Gave up on me. Went back to sleep for another 5 hours.
So as school continues to be held back, many an idea has popped into my head. Things I could do in my nonexistent spare time to feed my artistic side and make things happen. I was supposed to do 2 animated projects with my bro. The one for my grandma... I still want to but that's dependent on other family members, who I have to nag about it. The other one hasn't gotten off the ground. I wanted to write about Lauren's and my friendship, but I haven't gotten very far in that either. I wanted to see what the Center for Puppetry Arts was all about, but I haven't even been to the site yet. Its not like I don't have ideas, or ambition, I just can't follow through. Its not like I don't want to. I'm in a routine, a circle, and its hard for me to get out of it. Also, any real spare time has been spent crocheting one thing or another. I barely have time to blog, except I do it when I can't crochet, like now when I'm walking down the street.
I need a new job. Its not that I don't like my job, and love most of the people I work with, its just not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I need to get on that road. I'm 23 and I really have no resume. I've shown that I work hard and can keep a job, but its not really going anywhere for me right now. And with the stress that's going on there: the assy manager, the lack of staff and days off, its not really doing anything for me but making me really tired. If the money was better...
I just think I really need a drastic change. My life isn't really where I want it to be. I can't let life happen to me. I have to live it. I had a lot of epiphanies during the "year of joy" a few years back, one of which was that if I'm not happy, what's the point? And I'm not happy right now.
Btw, here's the rest of that song. If you don't listen to incubus, they're a definite recommendation. The lyrics alone are enough to get you.
"Will I ever get to where it is that I am going?
Will I ever follow through with what I, what I had planned?
I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would.
I take a look around; it's evident the scene has changed.
And there are times when I feel improved upon the past.
Then there are times when I can't seem to understand at all
and yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere...really fucking fast
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would. I would. I would"
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3 comments:
you're gonna have to make a leap of faith. when life is pounding and pounding and pounding at you and you know you have to get out of the vicious cycle, you have to make the concious decision to just jump.
Jam's right. Sometimes you gotta jump out the window for crazy. There's a reason why everything seems to be going wrong. And as much as I hate to say it, it's not your responsibility to provide for your mother or your brother. Its one thing to help out, but you can't put your life on hold to do what 2 adults should be doing on their own.
Yes to both of them. Of course, it's easier said than done.
And I love that Incubus song.
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