Panic.

I have but one fear. One real fear. I'm not afraid of spiders, even though they're gross. I'm not afraid of drowning; I know if it came to it I really know how to swim. I freak out at railroad tracks, but if I were really so scared I'd avoid them all together. The fear I have is one I can't avoid, especially being car-less as I am.

I went shopping yesterday. I've been invited to a very nice party and I needed to plan and get fly. I got some hot shoes- HOT shoes- and a new shirt. Kesi took me to the shopping center where he works but I had to take the bus home because his pseudo vacation is over and he has money to make.

Coming home it started to rain but it stopped before I got off the bus. And I walked home. In a thunder storm.

I'm terrified of thunder. Ok, lightning. Why don't they call it a lightning storm people? I digress. I hate lightning. When I was in high school my mom sent me out to the laundry room (attached but external to the house) during a thunderstorm. No sooner than I walked out the door that there was a big crash and lightning struck the patio behind the laundry room. I screamed and ran back inside and refused to go out until the next sunny day.

When we first moved to the new house and I had to walk home from work, my mom thought someone was chasing me because by the time I got there I was in tearful hysterics about the lightning. I have a fear.

So last night, after pausing my text convo with Lauren and taking out my headphones, I walked home and noticed that the lightning was ominously close. Like, maybe in my neighborhood. Maybe at my house! Oh damn. I started praying. "lord please let me get home safely, and let my family be alive when I get there." it was a mantra.

And then lightning struck. Right across the street from me! Omfg! I'm bugging out! It was like a pop, and a flash, and then the thunder... I wanted to run and scream and just be home already. But I didn't run. I think I read somewhere that lightning is attracted to certain things, and moving things are on that list. also, tall things, and since the lightning struck the very average length grass I was really troubled about this. I could be hit. The strikes show no discretion! Electricity is just zapping the effing ground all willy nilly! Who's to say!?

A car pulled up beside me. "need a ride?" it was a neighbor. "oh GOD yes! Thank you! I'm freaking out!" Mr neighbor drops me at my house while I'm trying to calm down. "so can I call you?"

Seriously dude? You're asking for my number during my panic attack? See, this is what's wrong with nigras. I would have forgiven the notion had he at least asked if I was ok.

I said no, but thanks for the ride, and booked it uphill to my door. I ran into my mom's arms and of course she thought someone was after me, then she started treating me like I was 6. "are you ok? Were you scared? Oh my poor baby." I love my mom.

Kesi said something might be after me. Or something of the sort. Really he said that I needed to fulfill my goals because something is trying to stop me. Deep. And also scary. That didn't help my fear. And also, I started crying. I wept. Wept damn it! This is serious! I am reading another David Sedaris book, "Naked," and I just happen to be in the story where the dad is telling them all these horror stories. His friend got hit and has a metal plate in his head and can't chew his food. Argh! That is not a coincidence that I'm reading that right now.

Does anyone else have a fear of lightning? Am I going crazy? I think I am. And now I have reason to believe it is my destiny to get hit. I tell ya what, next time I have to get off the bus during a thunderstorm, I'm gonna keep rolling until the storm is over.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile