In bloom

1. So in case you didn't know, the pollen count here in lovely Atlanta is in the 5000 range. Second only to Tennessee. 150+ is considered high. I think we need a new rating system.

When I made my hate list, how did I not add pollen to that list? Must have wrote it in winter. I'm thinking of writing a new one just so pollen can be at the top of the list. But of course, with a hate list comes a love list. And I love love.

Anyways, let's talk science. Do you know what pollen is? Semen, or sperm, or some male reproductive stuff. EW! And its in my nose, and my throat, and just flying through the air trying to deflower my sinus cavities and yours too. Nasty. I'm not that kind of girl. And people wonder why I spit so much! (was that too suggestive?) I can't wait till it gets too hot for anything to live.

2. I saw the cutest thing at a museum gift shop that I have to make. I'll be sure to put up pix as soon as I finish. I don't wanna ruin the suspense, just know that its an adoreable idea and you'll wanna have one.

3. I hate when older people use their age as an excuse to dismiss your point of view. This man told me I didn't know about hard times because I said I'd never betray someone for money. We were talking about how circuit city (who I may be boycotting) is firing employees only to rehire them at a lower pay. Totally unfair, and I could never be a boss if I had to turn my back on the people who were making my money for me like that. Btw, my manager agreed. The guy said, that's the way of the world and I'll see one day, blah blah. I said its against my beliefs and my morals to be so callus just for money. And he said once I hit hard times I'd see what I'd do for money. And I told him money is not the end of things. (btw, I believe this man has probably been in jail, as he worked for a staffing co. And most of them from this co are ex-cons. So he probably has done some bad things for a quick come up. He gave that vibe.) and he's all, you're naïve, you'll see, you just wait. And I told him about how I've seen hard times- kinds went into detail- and I'll never be on the streets because people know I'm a good person and they are willing to help me cuz they believe in me. And as long as I have hands to crochet with I'll get dough. And he told me what I've been through is nothing. And I told him its the hardest I'll ever have to deal with because I'm not the type to do "anything for money" and so I'll always be better off. And all he could say was, you'll see.

I can't stand that! Ok yeah older people may have lived longer but that doesn't mean they know everything. I respect an opinion, but sometimes mine doesn't get the same respect. And if you really think I'm so naïve, don't condescend to me, tell me what you've seen and I'll do the same. But he just wrote me off as a girl who he probably thought was a green teen. Seems he could have learned from me too.
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I changed it.

The name of my blog that is... Lauren and I were discussing changing it and I said I wanted something that showed my full range of emotions. hmmm... And she said, you should name it that. And so it was decided.

I'm always thinking. Analyzing. Over-analyzing. Seeing other sides, being the "devil's advocate." I like that. And despite the complexity of my thought patterns, "hmmm" seems to encompass it all.

So it is changed. And it shall be as such until I decide that I wanna change it again. I'm just that complex.
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Ivy Leegue, Hoooo!

So my BFF bre, aka Brefontaine, had a show Friday night with his crew Ivy Leegue. There were some other people too but we'll get to that. I've decided to do a lil semi review of the show for all to enjoy.

First things first: as intended, kesi and I were fresh, lol. He wore black/gray jeans and a black shirt with bluto from popeye on it, and a black hoodie with his name on the back. I want a name hoodie! Anyways, as I do, I brought the color- pink ribbed tank, jeans mini skirt, my new pink and black pumas, and my Huey hat. Homegirl fresh indeed!

So this place is like, where they used to have underground raves or something. Its cool once you get in the main room but there's hella big rooms to go through first. There was an open bar though, and bre was trying to get me, and everyone drunk. And he did. And I got loud!

So the show started later than expected, maybe like 1, but it was worth the wait. First out was Joy Tolentino, and that chick can sing. She only did like 2 or 3 songs and I had never heard these particular ones before but they were hot. I loved the first one, which was about an ex that is trying to make her a victim. And she sang the hell out of it. The hell, I tell you. She's not only a great voice but she's worthy of the name Joy.

Then there was another group that performed, DIP INK, but I didn't know much about them beforehand and so I still really don't. One of the guys was doing it real kanye and even addressed the fact that he kind of looked like him I one of the songs. Funny. I liked their songs despite the fact that I can't remembber them... That's my fault- or really its the fault of the guy who tried to get me drunk and dancing... On to his part.

Loved it. The Leegue basically did the songs that had at least two of them in it- there's four members of the leegue: skuba, niko, outbreak, and Brefontaine. At least, four that rap. Anyway, fortunately that was like 10 songs, including "stunning," "get ghost," "Ego problem," "Ivy leegue theme," and "murda music," which of these particular songs is my favorite. As mentioned in my last post, Slim from 112 was there and he got on stage and gave a seal of approval, where he said they're "what's next," and sang with skuba. Can't remember the name of that song either, but I was onstage during it. Whoo! Bre just pulled me up there! I'm famous!

They had great stage presence. I knew everyone was feeling it, though I wasn't really paying attention to anyone who wasn't onstage. Everyone there knew all the words. There were some technical difficulties, like there was only one mic that was going strong so they had to switch off. It was cool cuz on "stunning" they all just kinda huddled around it on the verse where niko and bre go back and forth. It also eliminated that thing where everyone on stage is rapping a verse even if its not theirs, and so it sounds more like a singalong than a performance. There was none of that here. One mic, one voice at a time.

Had so much fun. Oh lord did I. I'm sure I'll be to every show he does. And I don't say that because he's a bestie, but because I actually think he's talented. Which is good, because I'd hate to have to tell a person they suck. Especially if I like them as a person. But I will.

Some things I wished was that they'd done "something to ride to," which has a sick ass beat. However I know the guy whose song it was wasn't there so... I also wished there were more people there. I mean it was a lot of people there but not as many as were deserved.

If you have no idea of any of the songs I'm talking about you can download most of them. They're free and worth the time. Myspace.com/ivyleegue is where they can be found. Please do it. Go now. Run!
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Oh praise Jesus!

My brother has a job! I don't know if I mentioned this before but my brother recently turned 18, the only thing keeping him from getting a job these days. (mind you, I had my first job at 15 and the one I have now is the only one I've had where I was an adult when I applied. But that's what they tell him.) I told him Wednesday to go up to ruby Tuesday, where kesi and the BIL work, and drop some names and apply. He did, then got a second interview, then a store tour, then he had to call this morning. Geez...

So he texts me this morning and tells me he needs a uniform. Thank Jesus! I never have to buy him another thing ever! I'm a good sister, I make sure he has a bus pass and lunch money, but now that he's older I feel like he should be taking care of those hunga himself, especially since, like I said, I been taking care of those things since I was 15. But I can count on his being responsible.

My ma's already doing to him what she did to me. She's giving him household bills to pay. The funny thing is he hasn't even had his first day yet! But he has to pay his phone bill, the home phone, and the sanitation. Those are mostly his terrain anyways. He takes out the trash and chats all the time.

This is second only to him graduating, which is in two months. Which means he can pay for all that stuff too! Lol my pockets feel so much lighter!
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Homegirl fresh

I'm going to a party tomorrow. My friend and I were talking about it earlier today:

Me: I love the open bar. I'm not a heavy drinker, but that shit is expensive. I gotta find me a skirt man. Ima be jazzy.
Him: Okay okay fasho. Trying to show of for Slim (the singer) huh?
Me: Nigga I aint trying to show off! I attract attention naturally cuz I'm just that fly any damn way. And furthermore, I aint trying to be on no one's MySpace lookin like wtf.
Him: Truly. you bringing your camera?
Me: Of course I am. You know I got a digital one now. kesi's got a fresh ass sweatshirt he's wearing tomorrow.
Him: I mad yall jumping fresh as fuck!!
Me: Why? Every time we go out together, which is rare, we get fresh. You shoulda seen us at the black and white party. And I just happen to have new items (shoes and a new hat), so I have to do that.
Him: Well everytime we hung out, it was always tee and jeans.
Me: Did we ever go to a club? Nope. I have on jeans and a tee now. But when I go out I look cuter. I don't look extra like most chicks. You know, I look home girl fresh.
Him: I've never witnessed that of which you speak of.
Me: What? Home girl fresh? Its like, you know some girls gotta wear heels and go all tits and ass. Me, I might wear heels every once in a while, and all the good parts are covered but still sexy. I look taken. Possibly cuz I don't get overdressed.
Him: good shit.
Me: Boom. Your girlfriend does it too, I'm sure. According to her MySpace page.
Him: Definitley she does. She gets tried ALOT.
Me: Yeah it doesn't stop the less observant guys. Mostly cuz they're too vain to realize.
Him: truly.
Me: this is so going on my blog. At least the end part.

And here it is. Don't you agree? I felt "round the way girl" by LL cool J playing in my head. "bamboo earrings, at least two pair... Standing at the bus stop, sucking on a lolly pop..."
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more on that randomness.

on my last aimless post i forgon a lot of things! so here it is:

1. guess who i met? jennifer hudson! huzzah! she was nice to me for the three seconds that i shook her hand and told her to stop by my J.O., but i heard she was getting a bit demanding at the spot. ya'll know i dont put my job out there for legal reasons, but through the grapevine it was said that she had people scrambling to find a piano for her to play cuz she heard another celebrity (a more famous one) had a piano in their spot. lololol! stop playin! and i doubt i would have noticed her if not for this FLAMBOYANT man that decided to sashay toward her. he was in her entorage, and should really know better when a person is teying to be on the low.


2. what exactly is a lace front? ive heard it mentioned in reference to beyonce and tyra, but its not the most self explainitory phrase. and i dont do "extra hair" unless its braids, so... i suppose its something tacky, but after that, i dont know.

3. i got some new lip gloss. i'm so damn shiny. its vicky's beauty rush. i went in there for the first time evah and did not buy undies! none of them really stood out to me. step your game up VS! but i did get a long cami. and its green! its the only green item i own. seriously.

4. oh ima have to stab a ho. we tend to go to the mcdonald's once or twice a week and damn it if my BIL (bro in law) isnt always there. this is relevant because when we were ridint in my car i always got the front seat regardless of whether or not he was there, cuz damnit its my cah. but now we're cruisin the new yorker, and i'm in the back. so anyways, the past few times this one chick has been all in my man's face while she's handing him the food. the first time she was all sensual handing him the bag, smiling in his face (i didnt see this, but they did) then she told kesi to park so she could bring the rest out. so we're waiting, and this heffah is switching to the car! like working it! so of course i'm making my comments. i know people flirt with him but i dont wanna see it. the second time, we went for my "fries and pies," and she comes all sweet out the window, "your fries are cooking, theyll be ready in a minute..." cheesing and ish. so after the window closed, i either thought really intensely or said aloud, " theyre my fries bitch!" either way she didnt hear me, lol. im not really jealous, but i mean, damn, can you stick your third shift ronald mcdonald ass back in the window? i will correct her, shoot. and of course kesi and BIL thinks its so funny and egg me on. i do wear my emotions on my sleeve....

Bad day.

I had to wake up at 9 ish yesterday to go to the doc (again) to get my results from my sleep study. I didn't sleep well cuz I'm seriously congested and couldn't find the claritin d. Also, we went to a "party" the night before and got in at an ingodly hour.

Anyway, I went and waited for a literal hour before my doc and 4 interns came in. "you don't have apnea. Good news." "if you say so." he coulda said "you have cancer" the way I felt. And btw I think he's wrong. I slept horribly that night for various reasons and it wasn't a good indication of how I usually sleep. I'm grown! You can't make me go to sleep! He said I do have insomnia, and I need potassium. Boo! I was pissed and had to sit there while he scribbled notes on my results. I wondered why he couldn't do that earlier, so I could just leave already. I asked him why I woke up unable to move or breathe. He said something about muscle weakness and potassium again. I needed to be tested for acid reflux and come back in a month.

I was hoping to be done with that doctor. Not that there's anything wrong with him, except that he's totally out of the way and despite the fact I've been there 3 times I have no idea how to get to his office because I'm sleepy every time I go. And his purpose was to diagnose me with apnea and send me on the way. Damnit he didn't do that. I guess that's my fault on some level, but knowing that my ma in law will begin again that there are spirits trying to steal my body* makes me wanna find a second opinion.

I finally got to leave and went to the car. Kesi was asleep. "what happened?" "supposedly I don't have apnea. I'm tired and wanna go home." he didn't know yet that I was crying. He didn't find out until we stopped at the light and he saw me wiping my eyes. After he asked me why, I got like a 7 year old, all short of breath and squeaky, and I don't know how he knew what I was saying. I told him I didn't want to go to my other doctor's appt and he said, don't.

We went to kroger to get my prescription and before he got out of the car he gave me a really good hug. Almost had me crying again. Such a sweet guy. Then he took me to Wendy's and home.

I slept half the day away, and may I point out that I did stop breathing? Which pissed me off more but I was sleepy, so I didn't dwell on it too much.

I think next time I go to the throat doc I'll just tell her this is over. I'm tired of paying and using my days off and all the stress. Its worse than the actual affliction. And I'm going in circles.
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elephant steps

remember how a few months ago i said i felt stagnant and needed to get back in school? well guess where i'm writing from!!!

ok, i'm only registering right now, but i feel so good to be able to do that. i really thought i missed the deadline and would have to pay out the arse to reg late. but i am WAY ahead of the deadline and have some time to get ish straight. i'm so happy. despite the fact that i was barely sleeping and halfway crazy in 2005, i was achieving a goal. and it sucks that money- lacking it- got in the way of my being a graduate already.

my aunt is in town. the one whosw daughter i grew up with. her home was my second, essentially. she'll be here for a week while looking for a house- she and her (grown) kids are moving back. could i be more thrilled? we were in the car today and she told me that she's really proud of me for stepping up and being responsible for my fam while we're going through a rough time financially (one of the things i dont talk or write about; i spent my tax return on our overdue mortgage). she told me that when she gets some money she'd be sure to treat me. i almost cried right there. i dont see any other choice; what troubles we have arent a result of anything anyone could have helped. it just is. being appreciated makes it easier though.

my ma cut her hair off. OFF! its not so bad though. she can rock it. my grandma's mad at her though, lol. dont hate Mema. my aunt got her a wig for her b-day. it looks just like her weave, even though she said she was going somewhere different with it. i mean she did cut it off, so, baby steps.

i caught up with an old friend. she and i were so close in middle school and she got sick in HS and somehow we drifted. i mean, she did start to change back then, and so did we ( lauren and i) so that coulda contributed to it. but i found her in myspace and its so wierd. i could recount a whole 7 years of my life that she knows nothing about. i know that people grow apart but its hard when you cant explain why. and its odd that i can still be friends with one person and other people just come and go.

Def poetry.

I haven't written a poem in so long. I'm watching DPJ and I feel so inspired but nothing in my life is putting me in there where I feel so deeply about anything. ANYTHING.

I used to write a poem every day. Back in 6th grade, 7th, 8th... Damn, I was so extra back then. Everything had an epic shadow. Like- oh the time my fruitless middle school crush took pix with me at six flags and tried to feel me up in the booth. I wrote a poem about how he was only sweet to me in my dreams.

In high school I'd mostly write about love. And hate. And sex... And being me. Whoever I was that day. My friends- the Chinese prisoners I called them in one poem. A poem about how we were all doomed together. (How oddly prophetic; only two of us graduated from that group.)

I loved it. I still love it. I just don't feel it. Nothing shakes me like it used to. And there's so much going on in my life. I used to have a crisis, write about it, and feel better from the release. Now, I don't know what it is. Some things I don't even write about in my blog. Sigh. People tell me things and I just kind of shoo them away. I don't want to think about the things; I haven't really learned to deal per se.

I really should start writing again.



Nothing shakes me
I have no desire
In the fight to flow like water
I think I put out the fire


Its a good start I suppose. And I usually don't rhyme...
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21 questions

After watching hours of music videos, I sent this to my brother who cracked up. Enjoy:

1. How do beyonce and shakira look so much alike?

2. And how much time did she spend with jay to be able to do such a good impression of him?

2b. And is that a baby cayman on a leash? Here comes PETA. Again.

2c. And B, what the hell is up with that braid? Gee. I'm done with this video.

2d. Wait, one more...why are you in the trunk of the rolls? I mean, it is hella spacious...

3. Unk, what is the two step? I have my own ideas but none of the chicks dancing do what I consider a two step. And do you want us to get "will smith" jiggy? Cuz this is not the ninetys boo. And why does DJ montay look like Roy Jones?

4. What the helly hell is the lead singer of fall out boy saying? Ever? I probably wouldn't even know the title of the song if not for the footer at the beginning of the video.

5. Who told swizz beats to continue rapping? He's lucky the beat is hot. Plus he looks like my boo. (yes he does!)

6. Speaking of hot, mims, why are you hot? Run that by me again.

7. Ciara, were you going for dyke? Cuz you def look like this lesbian I know who is equally as small framed but wears giant clothes.

8. Why is TRL still on the air?

9. Christina aguilera does the damn thing. That is not a question. She is a shining example of why I love 40s pin up culture so much.

10. Rich boy, could they really not fit your whole forehead on the cover of your album? Damn.

11. Robin thicke why are you so sexy? If it wasn't for the fact that you will one day look like your dad I'd find you perfectly yummy. And I read you sang "forever my lady" to Paula when you were 14. Melt!

12. Game, do you not know you are wack and not cute? Stop!

13. Gnarls Barkley are you trying to freak me out? Cuz I am.

14. Putting two r&b dudes in your video was supposed to make this thug love more believable, joc? Nah. Nobody is saying, "did you see young joc's sexy self in that video?" baleeve it.

15. Joss stone are you legal yet? Love the hair.

16. Lily Allen you are a dirty broad.

17. Bow wow, you didn't create tatts and forces. Ciara is NOT biting you. You're stupid for saying that ish on the air. Also not a question.

18. When was the last time I saw "da art of storytellin"? Puppets, yay!

19. Fergie, are you trying to warm me up by putting luda in a suit? Cuz its working! G.l.a.m.o.r.o.u.s.

20. J lo, could you subtitle this video for me? Don't think me racist, I just don't speak Spanish that well and we could use this as a learning experience! No? Por que? Lo siento.

21. Snoop, is that the "cool like dat" chick? Aw shit! But keep the chicks with the wigs. Its killin me.

I could go on for days! Sorry, no links from the berry. But I don't think you wanna be in my mental state right now.
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You are getting sleepy

So its now 930 and I am one hour into my sleep study. Clearly, I am not asleep and I don't know how I'll get there with the million little thingies taped onto my face.

I woke up at about 730 this morning. Why? I had to go to the hospital to get a chest xray and blood taken. Then I spent the rest of the day tired. Fast forward to about 6pm when I was supposed to take a cat nap and ended up asleep until 730. And then I came here.

They asked me to change into my pjs and come back. (Usually I am a no undies kind of sleeper, but I knew they had to stick stuff on me so I decided to keep them on. I even still have on socks.) So they start sticking these lil sensors on my head and taking my pulse with this thing on my finger. Also I got a band wrapped around my chest and stomach. I look like a mummy crazy mess.

Oh did I mention the chick who is over the study's name? Cassette. Like VCR, audio, 1987. Cassette. Seriously. And we move on.

The man in the other room is already asleep. And snoring. They keep coming in here to fix some thing on me, so even if I were tired I wouldn't be able to rest. Qnd Lost is on. But I've been instructed to try. So more when I wake.
*********************

Ah yes. It is Thursday now. I was awakened by no gentile means. I don't think I realized there was someone in the room until she touched me. And by touched I mean started taking the thingies off me. It was so bright in the room. I was trying to look at the time...530? What the ingodly time? Ok, now I must call kesi and... Oh its 430? Bull!

I literally called him 10 times. Naturally he was asleep. I thought i wouldn't have to wake til the sun came up, but apparently its a 6 hour process and I had ta go. He showed at about quarter to 6, lookin beat. I'm sure I looked equally beat. I came home and slept til noon.

I get the results next week. I'm hoping they say I do have apnea, that way I can get my tonsils taken out. Until then, things will be back to normal, and I won't have to see any doctors!
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Cosigning

I've mentioned before that my butt is getting to be serious. I know people are looking. I'm getting better about it. But every now and then...

"your man let you out the house with those pants on?"

Now this was asked of me by not some stranger, but a fellow employee of my fine establishment. Not once, but twice, oh, just in case I didn't hear him.

"well Johnny (when you say dumb shit I put your name out there), FIRST of all (girls in the A put special emphasis on first when they are trying to make a point) my man doesn't live with me. I own my house. Secondly, hour doesn't let me do anything. He doesn't try to control me. Thirdly, seriously Johnny? For real? What year is this? And finally, no matter what pants I have on this will still be a fire lookin ass that you can't touch." and I'm out.

I get a lot of this, "your man let's" or "your man does," as if I'm barefoot and pregnant, or even have a wedding ring on. Psyche! Then these same people turn around and hit on me as if that wouldn't make both of us triffling and as if they didn't just show how chauvinistic they are.

Like la said, get like me. I am a confident, capable woman, and maybe I ruin your hypothesis that women are golddiggers and want to trap a nigga. Cuz no matter how successful I believe my man will be one day, he is not at this moment ballin out of control, and I certainly am not trying to have his baby right now. Oh nooo. So scrap that theory. It might help you get your relationship game up.

Kesi himself has told me I'm mean to men. I just tend to ignore them cuz I know they can't offer me a thing but a wack line.





Ps: I'm about to go into sleep therapy tonight. I'll be bored out of my mind tonight so I'll be blogging on the experience. Pray for me!
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Talk of death

I was feeling pretty good at work Friday. Considering that I was late and didn't get to talk to HR about my insurance claim that didn't get billed right, feelin pretty good. And then the shoe dropped.

I'm sure by now you've heard about the bus crash. The victims' families and some volunteers were staying at our hotel. It was a mad scramble of "higher-ups" escorting and catering to them, and for once I didn't feel like it was all for show and sucking up.

A guy I knew came by the door to the shop carrying a trolley of items. On his way he stopped. He dropped a shoe- a cleat. My first thought was, "that cleat belongs to a dead kid." but he picked it up, settled it somewhere it wouldn't fall again, and kept going.

That one cleat fucked up my day. Every time I had a moment to think, I thought. 4 guys my age died. Doing something they loved. And I love it too. I remember the last time I played. I was sick from my teeth being pulled and it was the first time I'd felt good in days. I thought about my mom, and how much it'd hurt her to have lost one of us. I thought about my grandma, who lost 3 kids. I imagine myself not being able to survive in that situation. Numb.

In the cafeteria, CNN was on. Talk of course of Anna Nicole and her mom's appeal to keep her daughter in the states so she can "talk to her." I wonder who came up with this? I told Lauren a few weeks ago, and I say it now for posterity, that I do not want to be present for my funeral. I don't anyone to see me dead. I've been to a few funerals, and I was younger, and if given the same option to see my grandma lula's body, I think i would have said no. I have memories of her as a living woman. Her tea, her grits, her leg. Her accent, her crocheting while watching TV. That's how I want to be remembered. Abstract things, not whether or not I looked peaceful.

And as for where I'm buried, I suppose it matters, but not to me. A person can still remember me without having seen my tombstone- I hope. I guess we all need something tangible. But these are my wishes, much like Anna's were to be next to her son.

I hope I don't seem insensitive or morbid. I just don't believe that death is something to avoid. At least not my own. I'd like everyone I love to live forever, because like I said, I don't think I could take it.

Listening to:
Incubus- make yourself
30 seconds to mars- "a beautiful lie"
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more photos!

photos from my birthday! this is the best of the best... some i cant show because of identity issues and some i cant show cuz lauren and i looked silly for most of the weekend.

my cake. it was so sweet for kesi to put my nickname on my cake.

oh this heffa smashed a cake in my face! notice how i havent completely reacted yet; im still smiling and posing behind cake.

me and my babe. we're a tad toasted there... yes i am wearing a birthday girl pin.

i do have on shorts... originally i thought this was a dress, and now im seriously gonna wear extra long tees and short shorts as my look for the spring, cuz it'll be weather appropriate. (hahaha)

us being artsy at the waffle house. thanks Will for the pics.
jazzy on my berry. and wearing will's shades. at like 12:30 at night.