mema time.

so i sent my photo to my grandma, my favorite person. did she get it? she didnt call... so i called her.

yay! this is what we talked about.
1. my picture was lovely. she was just saying that she wanted new pictures of her kiddies. so far she's got new ones from my cousin frankie, and me. and she tried to pronounce kesi's first name. lol i was like dont stress mema. she calls him "my little boyfriend." not as in mine, but hers. she is in love with my boyfriend! its all good though.

2. my cousin nicky is doing well. she is diabetic and just had her third baby. apparently mema thought i was her for a minute.

3.my cousin geno is having a baby too. his name is a mix between geno and his baby mama's last names. needless to say, my grandma cant say it. its like, ferchave or something. i'm so concerned about my new lil cuz and that name.

4. my cousin crys's mom is sick. i mean, real sick. less than 100 lbs and on a breathing machine. she smoked ALOT, so much that i know the scent of benson and hedges and think of her when i smell it. she might not make it.

5. my little marmar is too smart! he's my favorite cousin's son and he's two. he got a spanking and called my grandma and cried over the phone. then when mema said, give your mama the phone, he hung up on her! like, no, i'm not supposed to be talking to you! he's so bedorable.

6. we have to buy dreamgirls as soon as it comes out on dvd. grand usually doesnt go to the movies so she's got the hits rolling on the dvd tip. so my ma ranted and raved about how great it was. we gotta do that for her.

ah family. ups and downs. i really miss them. my ever growing collection of cousins. every time i go there's more family to know. and love.

happy new year.

i'm too old

i'm too fucking old to be worrying about what's not fair. i'm gonna be 23 in a month or so. i got bills. i live with my mom yeah, but we have mutually agreed that i'm a grown woman to be respected as i respect her. i'm trying to get my side hustle going, and get my car fixed and sold. can i do me? can you see that i'm not a child?

so here i am concerned about what's not fair. that people might have a opinion of me that's not at all based on reality. so to avoid what you might have the possibility of thinking i've got to sacrifice. scratch that, we've got to sacrifice. time. that's all i want. but now its a fucking big thing. and its not fair.

and god forbid i or anyone disagree. cuz you can never be wrong. it must be us, and we'll never hear the end of it. i cant just let this sit. but i know i cant talk to you, and that's what bugs me. i'm not the type to hold my thoughts in. but would you even listen? not fair!

damn it. i'm done.

he says the limit for kool aid is 45.

so i'm watching old episodes of girls next door, which i just really started watching, and i found out that none of hef's current girlfriends were in playboy before this year. kesi and i were having a convo last week about whether they were gold-diggers, which made me argue for their merits. he believes that they're just lazy hoes using him. so anyway last night we had this text convo.

me: apparently NONE of hef's girlfriends were in playboy. they were his girls first. so there.
him: so how did he meet that grill wearin chick?
me: she modeled/ waitressed at one of his parties and he asked her out.
him: then he hit it?
me: lol stop being narsty. i'm watching old eps and the first girlfriend said none of them had done it before. dont be trying to add girlfriends cuz i'll stab her during your first kiss.
him: what if they makin us cash money?
me: what are you, a pimp? i makes the money!

lol most of our conversations are equally as retarded. i think we could go a whole day without being serious. but last week, i was very serious.

he was in the magazine aisle. i saw him looking at... her. i never expected her to be at target... it seemed kinda low quality. we'd had issues with her before- sometimes i'd call and she'd be around. i could hear her in the background. not that he hid her from me. but this was too much.

"computer games? put it down. i cant compete with an Xbox and your computer. dont you know how much i love you?" he laughed and put the box down.

lately i've taken to playing mortal combat with him. now i'm addicted too. damn you cruel mistress! usually he'll not play at all or i'll be bored watching him but i think we're bonding which is easier than my bitching about my need for attention.

so no. there's no age limit for playing video games. and for that matter, we still love chicken nuggets.

joy's blanket statements

is that a good name? let me know...i plan on creating a new site just for the crocheting.

ok, here are my prices. the dimensions are in parenthesis.

child's scarf (5in x 4ft)- $10
adult scarf (6in x 5.5ft)- $15
baby blanket (3.5x3.5ft)- $40
throw blanket (5x5ft or 6x4ft)- $75

there will be a $5 flat fee for shipping.

remember- these are custom made, quality items that will last a lifetime. whatever colors or designs you want, i'm sure i can make it happen. for some patterns i can add lettering and even shapes. we'll discuss it so you'll get just what you want.

the items will have a two to six week turnaround. right now i'm working on my paypal account- i had one but i cant get them to send me my password. for now you can email me at kaorijoy2002@yahoo.com and while we discuss the details of your design i'll be getting that straightened out.

merry christmas kids! thanks for waiting so patiently! be sure to check out "playing catch up" and "photo post" for images.

photo post!

here are a few pics i mentioned over the past month. got on the boy's high speed net and uploaded them. yay!
mikey. this picture was from when he was barely a month in my care. he was actually eating at the time. cutie.

this is my friend mary's scarf. its black if you cant tell. my first profit!

mary's scarf with lettering. since then i found a different way to do lettering. in actuality she wanted hers all black and so i had to figure it out as i went along.

kesi and i at the christmas party. arent we the cutest? he and his hats. its fuzzy cuz this is actually a photo i took of the polaroid they gave me.

me and mom on thanksgiving. i love this picture because i look so much like her! its scary!

enjoy! merry christmas! i'll probably say that on a few posts cuz this wont be the last one before the holiday.

get your party on!

so as i mentioned before, sunday was our work christmas party. they call it a holiday party but i call it christmas cuz that's my particular holiday. moving on...

of course i wore the red and black houndstooth dress courtesy of mom in law's generous donation. black tights and my red leather chinese laundry stiletos with the black heel. cute! i went to show off to mom, and she's inspecting me like i'm going to a high school party. and then the lady who is staying with us is like, why red shoes? because they look good with black tights. i had to wear the tights because regardless of how hot it is for some reason, this dress doesnt look good without tights. and i'm not wearing black tights and shoes- this is not a middle school recital i'm going to. so shh. mom in law said i looked cute and sexy. yes! she is the only one who is actually out on the town between the three of them, but even if she woulda clowned me i still woulda been happy cuz the dress was bomb.

B called me at about 8 to say he'd take us but wouldnt be going himself. he was pissed at not being able to find these lacoste shoes he thought were fly. he's a moody boy. i tried to reason with him in the car, telling him to just come in with what he had on... but i knew to let him stew in his funk.

kesi had on black pants, a black and gray striped polo and his staceys from the wedding. and the requisite black hat. sharp. we got to the party after much joking and bugging in the car, i'm glad they are getting along. but they both have that off humor...

my supervisor saw me and said i looked "tarted up," for lack of a better term. everyone that said hi kind of lingered on my cleavage. they were doing their thing last night, lol. my friend, the one who got drunk last year, who will now be refered to as DD, wanted to borrow my dress. i was like- you might stretch it a little. this girl is on the way to a breast reduction, which kesi is disappointed by. every time i mention her to someone who's never met her, he makes the "big breasts" gesture.

i ate and drank and we took a commemorative photo. i'm gonna mail it to my grandma. we danced to some oldies and we had to have been the youngest people on the floor at the time. kesi was doing his old man twostep. he looked like his mom except she tends to dance around her butt and he takes it from the knees. lol. or kicks one foot out in front of the other like a temptation. good stuff. there was a guy there who was dressed like r kelly on the 12 play album but danced like the guy from dave chapelle who does the robot. he was dancing with a woman but they were about 8 feet away from each other because his dance style consisted of him walking around the whole dance floor doing hand gestures. i'd catch him on the left side, then the right, then the left again... i felt sorry for his date. he really was getting it.

an hour into our being there, who shows up? B! horray! i was so happy he came cuz i know he'd be sitting at home bored. he had on a peach linen outfit. and the clear air forces. good disguise for lack of dress shoes.

all night i was pointing out to kesi the people i constantly talk about at home. my football player hotel manager and her husband; the Hater, who he says looks like a crazy chick; my supervisor and his, ahem, roommate. the people who want to take his place, who he laughs at for even imagining they could; the one with "five kids;" all the people who get clever nicknames. he even made up a few of his own. my kitchen hookup is now known as e40. he wore this pimpaliscious outfit complete with the glasses. foolish.

we had the electric slide and even a soul train line. older people act a mess when they get liquor in em. though i must say, when they played let me clear my throat, i did the ed lover dance and kesi did the doug e fresh head rub move. hey! they played walk it out at the end and me, Hater and DD were getting it. DD said we needed to show up the chicks from front desk cuz they felt like they were doing somethin. we walked it out all the way to them and showed them how you supposed to do it do it do it. leaving on a good note. Hater decided to hop in the car with us and B decided to let her. i have nothing to say about that...

after we left it became apparent that B was a lil messed up. why? cuz we pulled into the parking space at mcdonalds and he hit the freakin curb! boo. luckily he has this ability to never get pulled over.

all in all a great night. i looked good and had a great time. next up is new years!

little things

1. our annual holiday party is tomorrow. i finally get to wear my dress! probably about tuesday i'll have a recap which i'm sure will amuse. my drunk friend, who i'm sure i will give a new nickname, will be riding with us.

2. my car has been out of commission for about 3 weeks. kesi has been spending like crazy on it and we still are car-less. my dad is gonna take a look at it sometime this week, but we might just sell it soon. my buddy B is driving us to the party. he offered before that we should all ride together but we figured the car would be fixed by now. damn car.

3. i made my first sale. my coworker wanted a scarf and i jazzed it up by adding her initials to the stitches. it was not easy but it wasnt that hard. now everyone wants one. i have to make two more this week. one for an infant, aw! so i should have my pricing done by the end of the week. the real problem is calculating wait times. scarves take a matter of hours but a larger blanket could take months. especially if i have other things in life to take care of.

4. i am, as of january 1, insured! oh it feels so good! i'm getting everything checked out by jan 15. i havent been to a doctor, besides my yearly exam, in a long time. i'm gonna try to get that shot too. the anti-papiloma one. i've had quite a few family members with cancer, and i want to live long and healthy as possible.

our first date

jan 31 2002.

it was the day of the senior games. i remember i was on the black team. i asked kesi if he wanted to get a pizza after the games. he had to get home- at the time i didnt know he was living in another county and should have been going to a whole other school. but we were hungry and were pretty much spending all our time together since our first kiss two days before. (our second kiss caused him to run into the door of the train) and it was my day off. i didnt know when we'd be able to hang out if not then.

we went to oz, the best pizza place ever. it used to be a gym, then they closed it down and this hippie guy turned it into a brick oven joint. and where better than a block away from the high school? i went there twice a week back when i could afford to spend so much on a pizza.

we sat in what was probably the only available table. it was january but naturally it wasnt cold. i had on my not warm enough gap jacket and probably a band tee. he had on a big bubble jacket that belied his skinny frame and his hair was in puffy pigtails ready to be braided. gosh sometimes i miss all that hair he had.

anyway, only available table. he ordered a hamburger slice and i ordered plain cheese. we chatted about our days and friends... we knew so much about each other that it wasnt getting to know you talk.. more like the talk we'd do in a group, only with the two of us. lots of joking. he can still make me laugh. i remember a few days after christmas in 01, he and another of our friends called my house pretending to be two of the backstreet boys.

our pizzas came. yummy. the hamburger wasnt like, rolled like on pizza hut's, it was more flat and on top of the cheese. he questioned that slice for a good 15 minutes.

"what's this on top?"
"hamburger."
"are you sure? i dont eat pork."
"neither do i. yes i'm sure."
"i dont know..."
"eat it. its just flat."

we went on and on but eventually he ate it. but i kid you not he NEVER got hamburger again. neh-vah.

there was additional seating in the closed coffee house area next door. we shared an armchair and talked and smooched. at some point these two girls, rady and jackie, came and totally interrupted our date! they sat on the couch across from us and talked and talked. i guess they couldnt tell by our cozyness that we wanted to be alone... we knew them but at the time i kind of wished we didnt. eventually they left. we stared out the window at rush hour and the people walking by. i'm sure at some point i mentioned that my birthday was coming up. it was nice to cuddle with him. i felt really comfortable.

and time got away from us. he was supposed to leave at 530 and it was totally 6pm. but it was a great date. 5 days later we started going together officially.

santa baby

if you didnt know, this is not my favorite time of the year. i hate christmas music and its cold out. i am a christian but i dont believe this holiday is reflective of my spiritual beliefs. seeing as how jesus was born in spring, and the only reason we have it this time of the year is to coincide with the winter solstice... dont get me started on the trees. i'm sure i went over all this last year.

but last night, while listening to santa baby for the billionth time, a thought occured to me. when is santa going to die?

i know santa doesnt exist. i never believed in him because my mom refused to let someone else take the credit for her work. there was many times throughout history some man who helped the poor: kris kringle, sinter klaus, etc... and saint nicholas, the patron saint of something. maybe gifts, or kids, or chimneys? eh. but those men have died.

so every year we're laden with images of white men in red suits being the hero. getting that thing you couldnt find. making it all around the world to make sure everyone's happy. and so as a child we believe that the white man is a hero. by the time we find out that its a myth, the damage is done. its too late. and besides, mom lied to us.

i believe that this idea, placed in our minds at such a young age, keeps us from believing women can be the hero. marriages in which women make more money are more likely to fail. my hotel manager is one of two black female hotel managers in the city. we get so suprised and congratulatory when a woman comes to power in government. if we were equals i dont think it'd be such a shock.

so will he ever die? will the subconscious ideals be rubbed out and erased? this man has lived for thousands of years. these ideas have been here for longer. i'm glad my mother refused to try to trick me. i plan to do the same for my kids. keep it real with them. i want to be their hero.

double date

i went on a double date today. the first since prom. why? cuz none of my friends ever date anyone. now actually, all four of my bff's are dating someone in some way or another. X has his chick, la has pseudo, kesi has me- the best girlfriend ever, and B has a new chick, who will be refered to as hartford. that's where she's from. so my being from bridgeport, we're bonded.

so kesi, B, hartford and i went to the aquarium today. i always wanted to figure a way to get the two fellows together because kesi doesnt know B. i think its odd to have a male friend that he doesnt know. so this was the perfect time. plus hartford is going back home next week for winter break and i thought it'd be nice. and i got free tix. yeah buddy.

the aquarium was so fun. i'd been there once before, remember i posted a link to the billion pics i took? lol but now i'm with my animal planet roll dog, and we were mr and ms info. so funny. we knew the oddest shit. at one point though, i said, these are the fish that gave dory directions! hartford looked at me like, how many times did you see that movie? and B has never seen it! he tries to act tough. he better get with nemo!

btw i looked so cute. it was fa-reezing! we had to walk from my job to the aquarium but on the walk booski said my bum looked good. i was wearing my guess skinny jeans- why do they call em that? i have so much hips and booty. lets not play... and i wore a pink cashmere/ angora sweater with sweatshirt pockets in front. vickies pink pink tee underneath that and my burgundy/ pink pumas on my feets! i got cashgora all over the boo's black shirt. he was straight fuzzy.

at one point B and i were talking about a tattoo his brother had of a fish we were looking at. i mentioned that the new principal of our former high school, that our bro's go to, wanted them to give $20 for "needy" kids in east point. we were discussing how there is no outstanding group of needy kids in east point. then i said, speaking of my brother's need for school money, "He barely made it to school this morning." and this lady comes up like "shh. we dont wanna hear about it." so i look at B and kesi who are standing on the other side of me. wtf? "Youre getting an education right here." i said, "yes i am. (She walls away) did she just chump me off? i coulda swore i was talking to ya'll." i mean this lady was all in my grill. its was so funny though. like it caught me so off guard i couldnt even come back.

we saw sharks feed. they dont eat the other fish in their tank, strangely, but the trainers throw food in and everyone rushes toward the food. then the sharks come by and all the little ones scatter. they know the hierarchy. it was cool to see.

i want an otter. they are so cute! like lil water puppies. it was my favorite part. that and the penguins. they were south african penguins, so they were in rather warm water. two of them looked like kesi and me. one all ultra cuddly and one like, hold on a sec, back up... that's so us. i'm always smooching on him when he's busy. i think it's funny to watch him squirm.

hartford refused to touch ANYTHING! there's a whole touch pool area with shrimp, sharks, horseshoe crabs, starfish, stingrays... it was so cool. i think i touched some sea cucumbers too, but maybe it was anemone. anywho, she just did not wanna put her hand in the water. it was funny. we were trying to peer pressure her. do it! do it! she finally touched a horseshoe crab. and i think she squeaked. lol. one of the employees there was like, remember, shrimp eat EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. one shrimp was eating krill, which is teeny shrimps. is he trying to ruin my appetite? i'm sure i'll eat some shrimp this week anyway. i have an addiction.

we went down the whale slide too. that thing is the devil. i cant remember the last time i went down a tube slide. i'm sure these was more room in the tube though. it was dark, twisty. and the damn thing shocked all of us at the bottom. it was a slight rush though.

the whole day was great. i bought a souvenir otter. i asked the booski what his fave part was and he loved the whale sharks. i knew it. he loves big animals. he's a big animal. lol. i'm def gonna go back one day.

happy blogiversary!

i started this blog about a year ago. my things have changed! and stayed the same...

i'm still in the quest for self improvement. still trying. i know what i want to do to become the person i want to be, but no matter what its day to day. i've been better about breaking people down, taking things in grey rather than black and white.

i still hate salespeople. grrr. i got offered a position in sales at work, which i didnt take partially because of school and partially because i didnt see myself happy there at all.

my dad is back in georgia. i never did tell him how i felt. dont know if it's moot, but i havent gotten to the point where i can say how i feel. sigh.

never blogged this, but i accidentally posted that comedian josh blue was mentally retarded and had MS. i meant to say cerebral palsy. i get them mixed up though they are two different things. didnt mean to imply that montel williams and tamia were retarded.

the creepy guy, the drunk girl, and mr not gay no longer work with me. i still keep in touch with the girl though.

the hotel whore had a baby and disappeared. i stopped thinking she was my friend's sister.

i go to wendy's way more than the kang now.

i call people less but i text way more.

X and his girlfriend broke up then got back together. i started to become cordial with her until she decided to get crazy and hate on two of my friends. so i kinda stressed over nothin... its not so important to me that i like her anymore.

kesi hasn't changed his name yet. he also doesnt associate much with the family member who was fucking up his credit.

funny how i said i hated that people think guys and girls cant be friends, then wrote a whole post about how i thought they couldnt. contradictory, but honest when they were written. and of course i think they can, above all else.

my ankle is better but my back is worse.

my mom still comments on my weight but she's nicer about it now.

i wanna make another hate list and love list. its the kind of thing where i cant just sit and think of things i love or hate. its cumulative.

that's all i can think of. just interesting points of convo. maybe take it back to the entries only lauren was reading, lol.

i know... you seen it...

lol no i will not speak of yung joc here. i was just wondering if any of you all had been to target lately. and if so, did you see this? it has my name on it! not my real name of course, my pseudonym. lauren took a picture of it last week. seems like the perfect time to talk about where i got this name....

this is kaori night. a character from the cartoon, "Sailor Moon." she is where i got my name. back in the day i used to get home from school to watch it and keep up with the episodes. mind you i was 16.

so yeah kaori was a bad guy. she was the assistant to an evil doctor who lost his daughter and swore to get back at those who failed to save her, namely the sailor scouts. but i wont bore you. just know kaori night is a bad bitch.

so when i was going through some changes in life- see my deep post- i decided to change my name. previously i was using a combination of mine and my ex's and it was vastly unfitting seeing how i hated him and planned to keep dating at some point. one day i was looking up my friends' names on babynamefinder.com and decided to keep going cuz i like to know the meanings of words. so i looked up kaori and got "aroma of the flower." how enchanting sounding.

i wrote it on my folder from school. i used to do graf looking art on my notebooks. my friend legal said, in his soft voice, what's that? kowree? and so began my venture into explaining my name and what it means. kesi used to spell it like koala. which back in the day when we were first dating was cute.

kaori is my more daring side. she is the part of me that stands out and is eloquent and always has a comeback. she's the one that parties, haha. before i chose this name and persona i let my shyness and fear take over my personality. for the past few years its been easier for me to be and express myself. its more than just a name- its a symbol of the change i went through when i chose to make myself the first priority.

its funny that all this came from a cartoon...

dear friend,

sigh. how have you been? we havent spoken lately, but that's to be expected. so many reasons. but youre on my mind and you should know. good and bad... youre on my mind.

i try. i do. i try to stay out of my friends' love lives because i have a generally optimistic view and always hope things will go right, but sometimes right isnt what we hope it is. you can guarantee that the first thing out of my mouth will be, you all can work it out. even if its not meant to be. even if i dont think they're good enough for you- as the case may be with another of my friends. its important for you to be happy. and that's why i'm blogging this rather than calling you. that, and i hate confrontations.

i noticed an interesting dynamic in your current relationship. i've been there. i hate to say it but i've been thinking it for so long. it reminds me of mine with my ex. you remind me of him sometimes and i hate that in you. you know i love you but i would never want another person to be treated the way he treated me. no matter how i feel about them. i was completely wrapped in him and his interests were elsewhere. sound familiar? i know you have love for this person but do they know how you cried over someone else? about the time you and this other person spent together? innocent or not. its still a secret and secrets hurt.

think about your parents. how you say they would argue about things that happened a long time ago. when you were little. before you were even born. things that should have been resolved years ago. and look at the result. i know you dont want to be that way. you have a good heart. you try to spare feelings. stop it. say how you feel and be honest. who do you love that doesnt deserve the truth? you think that maybe they cant handle it. but is it you who cant handle how they would react?

i say these things because i really do love you and its hard and it hurts. sometimes time invested is a lesson learned. i want people to have the true impression of who you are. but do you know who that is? can you put that out toward everyone? this is not just about your love relationship, but about our relationship too. you come to me and ask me things and make confessions and sometimes its to different from day to day that i dont know what to make of it.

think about what i'm saying. that is, if you read my blog... its all from the heart. trust me. know that i have your back. i want you to be happy. the cards have to be laid out. its the only way.

-K-