just a lil something

i wrote these two poems a while ago and i wanted to post them. they seem to be strangely on different sides of the spectrum.

inanimate- 10/4/06

i would love to be inanimate
to live forever
if only holding a memory
to survive past animation
the living earth
to do no more than to hold your importance
i want to be the object that evokes the memory of your smile
that traps your scent forever
that reminds of your hold
physical and emotional
to hypnotize
if only to take it all in
to last forever in the mind.


stars in his eyes- 7/7/06

she's like the stars in his eyes
bright and light
a thousand years away but still right here
close enough to warm him
but too far to touch
full of mystery...
what he sees is the past
she's long burned out.

dont be trying to pass this off as your own. at least not for money. copyrighted material.

money does too make you happy! and kinda pissed too

we're going to vegas. during all star weekend. this is the most expensive undertaking in the history of life.

i was online every chance i got bargain hunting. i checked every hotel site- cant get a discount at my own hotel chain cuz they know they'll be booked up that weekend and will NOT give me a discount. i was on every airline site, on every priceline type thing... i talked to my friend's bf who said to try spirit airlines. $99-149 per flight. they're just at cracked out hours. we'd arrive at midnight. shit who cares! those are great prices. between the boy and i it comes up to about $500 round trip. i asked the boy if he could swing 2. "not really." blah. i told him to try. he knows how important this is.

we went to sleep and wake up the next day to his mom calling him. "where's joy?" she then chastises me for leaving my purse on the kitchen table. most things we kids do in that house is to avoid a lecture. the mantra is, "do you want a speech?" cuz she will rant for days.

but then something odd happens... she handed me some money. "I hear there's a party coming up. buy yourself something." que? THANKS A BUNCH! i dont yet know how much money this is but its going to the trip fund. later i look and its $150! oh my god! this is so going in the trip fund. but what about a dress? oh you know i did.

i was once again surfing and found this great houndstooth sweater dress from wetseal. just arrived by mail saturday. fits me so well! i'm gonna be a doll at the christmas party.

in addition to the ups, there's gotta be downs. our hot water was off for a bit and i got it turned back on. apparently i missed a whole month of billing and i owed them way too much. shit! i paid half. then the car started smoking and the boy overdrafted in his acct. we've gone a week carless. my brother's phone broke and its gonna cost 40 to fix. i need that man to get a job.

so no matter what i'm still in the hole. but i'm getting those plane tix at the end of the week. and i did get a hot dress...

shuffle survey

i stole this from x factor who stole it from someone else. it reminds me of one of those fold up fortune tellers where the answers dont exactly match the questions...

directions: open your media player( mine's on my phone, naturally). put it on shuffle and press play. for every question type the song playing. new question, new song. dont lie!

1. opening credits:
Rapture- deftones. apparently my life is a fast paced action movie.

2. waking up:
rats rats rats!- deftones. that's what i say when i have to get up and go to work.

3. 1st day at school:
BYOB- system of a down. blast off, its party time! that sums up my high school experience.

4. falling in love:
my love- justin timberlake and TI. true, true.

5. fight song:
sweet sacrifice- evanescence. fear is only in our minds but its taking over all the time...

6. breaking up:
oh well- fiona apple. why waste an unconditional love on somebody who doesnt believe in the stuff? oh well.

7. prom:
back up- danity kane. if you cant get it jumpin you better back up off me!

8. life is good:
mutron angel- outkast. powerful magnificent and so divine.

9. mental breakdown:
end of the night- ludacris. well that doesnt fit at all! i was on a roll for a sec.

10. driving:
a bad note- outkast. see, that's why i dont drive.

11. flashback:
she lives in my lap- outkast. what a flashback i'm having. i wont share.

12. getting back together:
aqueous transmission- incubus. total love song. peaceful.

13. wedding:
mama- my chemical romance. nah not at all.

14. birth of a child:
baby girl- nelly furtado. yep! a cute one too.

15. funeral song:
where did my baby go- john legend. wow.

16. end credits:
joga-bjork. nice...

there was a second part which has the same theme but i dont think the were connected. anyway here's those questions.

1. how does the world see me?
extraordinary machine- fiona apple. well thanks world!

2. will i have a happy life?
paper bag- fiona apple. guess that's a no...

3. what do my friends think of me?
ride- brefontaine. yeah i am pretty cool. this song is on his myspace page now if ya'll wanna hear it.

4. do people secretly lust after me?
liberation- outkast. ok...

5. how can i make myself happy?
teenagers- my chemical romance. ok again... i'm not a pedophile.

6. what should i do with my life?
war- outkast. why did i put so much outkast on my player?

7. what is some good advice for me?
lost in hollywood- system of a down. you should have never come to hollywood. unfortunately i've never been.

8. how will i be remembered?
viscinity of obscenity- system of a down. i will be remembered as a dirty girl.

9. what is my signature dancing song?
egos- brefontaine. i got a ego problem i cant fix it. i am the shit... lol.

10. what is my current theme song?
truth or dare- NERD. Lol. say baby what's your name, do you wanna ride the train?

11. what does everyone think it is?
brain- NERD. i really will be remembered as a dirty girl!

12. what will play at my funeral?
the only one- evanescence. heaven shine your light down on me.

13. what type of women do i like?
run to the sun- NERD. I was hoping for a song called "i like dudes."

14. what will my day be like?
tickle- cuttin p (aka my boyfriend). its a good sign. maybe he will.

stuffed

today was a good day.

i woke up at the boo's house, way too early. mama in law was up cooking and blasting music. btw there's no food except thanksgiving stuff so i have nothing to eat for breakfast. or lunch, seeing as how i went back to sleep and woke up at noon. ah. but now i'm hungry. so i get up and sit in the kitchen where everyone is doing something. i ask for something to do and end up cleaning the tables which i hate. i have to be compelled to clean. things that compel me to clean:

*utter ickiness (Like turtle poop)
*need to impress- this isnt my house, so its null.
*The knowledge that i'm a little messy
*Money- i clean at work.

i hate to clean for other people. i can never do it the way they want and it annoys me. luckily i was just cleaning tables... i was to volunteer at a shelter today at 4. but our car is leaking oil- >:-s - so i had to wait for the in law to take me home so i could leave. wack. i was late but only by a little bit. i also overdresred. why was it a million degrees out? and me with my bubble coat. ha!

we get to the shelter and announce that we're here to help. the guy outside says, you with the white people? que? rude! and yeah we are asswipe. my mom's friends are already there, ingrid and sabrina. ingrid brought some church friends. sabrina is a missionary. wow. the whole thing is pretty easy.its a wonder more people dont serve food. so many are needed.

we make plates and serve sweet tea. the kids are beyond adorable. they are bedorable. this one lady had three kids, one was an infant. angel. he just stared at me then when i pouted he started smiling. works every time. the women in there, man they drink some tea. i kept coming back to refill. they all grubbed, yo. there was tons of food. we ate too but i didnt eat too much cuz i wanted to wait for mom's food. plus i felt wierd about eating food i was supposed to be eating. even though there was alot left over. kid you not, after everyone finished, a guy came by with a literal truckload of food. bread, juice, sodas, veggies... the lady said they were set for the week. only a week? gee. then hosea feed the hungry (a big charity here) dropped off leftovers from their dinner. wowee.

we even had candy for the kids. this one girl got upset because she wanted to help pass them out. we just wanted her to enjoy it and sit for a minute and she was all over cleaning up. she just wanted to help and she was so little. like 9. she wanted to help inventory food and mop and everything. so cute.

my brother, the big hungry almost man that he is, took a cake and two pies home. did i mention he already had cake at home? he's fat-brained. we made a pledge to donate our old fridge- which is currently in my room taking up space cuz we cant get it up the stairs- so they can put all that food somewhere. headed home and ate so much. so good! oh my mom is the bestest cook. i took a photo of the turkey bone for memories. man. i'm sleepy. and i had a great day. pictures to come soon.

WARNING: the following post is pretty deep.

sometimes i imagine revenge. not of the torturous sort, but i want to be such a great person that he realizes what a crazy ass he was. and what he lost. self torture i guess.

i remember what he looked like last time i saw him. above all else, he was bald. (must admit, that made it easier for me.) didnt even look like the boy i once knew. so molded to what he thought was cool at this point in time. used to be me. my friends. now he was a gangster.

i'd known him for years. since i'd known lauren. we were friends and then one day he sent me a note saying he liked me. we started dating and literally one week later he told me he was in love with me. i told him i was too. (was i? doubt it. and maybe i shouldnt have said it back. but i know i had love for him and i didnt want to hurt him) so here we are, young and in love. and i didnt know then, neither of us did, that you cant really be in love and be depressed. because you dont love yourself and you cant love someone without loving yourself.

but we tried. we ended up being that person in your own head who agrees and says, youre never wrong- the world is wrong. when i'd be pissed at this or that thing he'd say, forget that. i'm here. i would assume, naively, that everything would be ok as long as we were together. we had no real future plans. he was gonna join the army and i'd be there too, as support i guess.

and yes, i got pregnant. i think about it on occasion and acknowledge that its bittersweet that we lost that child. i am relieved i'm not stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life. not the first in the line of women who bore his children. (he has 3 now.) though it was my dream at the time. and we were gonna run away because of course our parents would not approve and they'd try to run our lives and taint our unborn. his words not mine. fuck, i could have really ruined my life. do you know that most spousal abuse starts with isolation from the support system?

we stayed together for two years. i guess. we werent to together after he moved away. his family moved a long drive away and i barely saw him. but we talked every day. even when he got a job. then he did something i wouldnt expect. he stopped talking to me. maybe i should have seen it coming. he was a jealous guy and had recently found out i was once involved with someone he absolutely hated. i dont think he'd ever gotten over it. it would give him nightmares. i finally caught up with him and he told me we both knew it wasnt gonna work out. i was devastated. i was still convinced that we were gonna be together forever. (i never say that kesi and i will be together forever. it makes our relationship more fantasy than reality. clearly i was all fairytale back then.) i was also convinced we'd get back together. and we did.

life was good again. until one day he called me to say he was leaving. he'd shot someone. and "some people" were looking for him. he'd call soon. but we were still together. figuratively. we hadnt been in sync for at least 6 months. he had no idea of my daily life, my changes and growth. i had no idea he had been in jail, and fathering his first child. or even that he was back here in ga. didnt he think i'd care? some days i wondered if he was even alive.

but when i found out... it was like a switch flipped. i cried once. let it out. then i decided 2002 was gonna be the year i made myself happy. i was a new person no one got to see me mope around over him anymore. i took the whole thing as a lesson learned. and i knew that no matter what came i wouldnt be controled. it would all be my decision. i was once invited to go with a friend to see his second child. i was ok with the idea and knew i could be happy for him if his life was what he wanted it to be. i was subsequently uninvited by his wife, a former friend, who said she couldnt get over what i did to him. it made me wonder what he put into her head. if some of the things he led her to were the same things he led me to. if he was happy in his life and love as i was.

i look back at these events, sans emotion, and think of how that was really me. how i've changed. i cant regret it because it made me who i am and helped me appreciate real love when it finally came to me.

either way, i hope he's sorry. i hope one day he can tell me so. i think of torture because that's what i felt sometimes. like i could never be without him. i'm glad i learned i can.

now all i need is a loan cosigner...

so it all started with me crying, as most things do that are of emotional importance... i was tired. just so tired. at the moment i was tired of sitting in the kitchen by myself while the boy ws making music in the back. so i told him to take me home. now. about a half hour later i was heading home, but not until we had a disagreement over when hs said we'd leave. we drove in silence.

he texted me later and i started crying. i tried to explain to him that we never do anything (not really true) and that i was tired of just sitting around. but once i typed those words i realized it was a bigger thing. i was stagnant. i havent been in school in months and i'm behind where i wanted to be in my life. i always said i'd have a plan but let it be flexible, but its tough to just let life lead you. and i was becoming restless. my "friend" said to me over IM, and i could hear the bragging in her voice, "i only been with my guy for a year and we're already engaged." ok, well i been with kesi for almost 5 years (FIVE!!!) and we're not. you think it doesnt kill me that i cant snap my fingers and have a job and a house and a car and a husband and be able to afford all of it and just sit down and be? just be. it does. i have so much i want to do and make of myself and i am standing still. or moving slowly, and i am one that likes to move fast. i have NO patience.

a few days later i get a voicemail from my cousin lysey. "call me back, its important!" ok me and her grew up together. when she told me she was pregnant, i almost said, "i'm gonna be and aunt!" thats how close we are. but we havent talked in months. so i called her back. she was asking me about schools and things and considering moving back to the A. she had decided, like i did last year, that she would follow her dreams but get an education at the same time. so she wants a fresh start. and alot of the things she was saying sounded alot like what i said a few days before. stagnant. time to light a fire under this ass. she's gonna take herself and her son and come down here to do what she loves. because she's not happy and she knows what would make her happy.

sometimes its just a matter of fighting whatever fear and doubt there is. i would rather not go through life knowing that a questiona mark kept me from being what i wanna be. if i fail, ok i tried. but i dont plan on failing. i plan to keep trying. and i know its gonna be tough and that i will more than likely cry again over my lack of patience, but shit, whats a couple of tears now compared to the rest of my life?

playing catch up.

there are lots of thisgs i am working on, so let me give a breeze through of them:

1: i been talking to my favorite cousin lately, online and on the phone. we pretty much grew up together. she really hit the nail on the head for me as far as motivation and things pertaining to life and happiness. will go in depth for sure.

2: i missed my bloggiversary. it was nov 10. i posted that day, but i wanted to post about the things i learned over the past year... it'll still be on the way, but not when i had planned.

3: i was looking on my yahoo photos page to find pics of the things i have made (as mentioned in the Commissioned post. why was there only one? boo!!! so i went home and snapped pics of the things that were crocheted in the house. i even took a picture of a picture... here they are:

kesi in his big ol blankie.













the blanket my mom made for me while she was waiting for me to come out. as she finished right as she was going into labor.















my cape verde flag. its folded in half and, of course, the stars are missing.















my mom's throw that she made for herself.















cracking up right now... blurry photo of my friend holding the baby blankie i made for her...
















more to come soon... i'm working on lauren's blanket. i should be done by christmas.

the roadtrips part...

so yeah, saturday morning lauren calls me way earlier than i am accustomed to being awakened on a saturday morning by anyone/thing i love. it was like 11am. "you awake?" no not really. i so went back to sleep after we finished texting. strangely enough we didnt really get going until about 4pm, after i watched a lil tv and my mom lectured la about her tattoos. lol. so we hop into the Mpala- purposely spelled that way- and head south. did i fail to mention where we were going? to "look, there's alabama!" georgia to see pseudo. it wasnt a far drive cuz lauren does 80 from the driveway, but the fact that she drove an hour says alot about how much she feels for this boy.

so we're drivin, and sharing stories, on this LOOOOOOng stretch of highway, when we come across, no joke, Whiteville, Ga. OMG, am i gonna get lynched? whiteville? shiiii.... can we drive faster? so finally we make it to exit 1. 1! we were really in alabama almost! we pull into a motor lodge and head to pseudo's room. AW!!! they are the cutest. i was jealous. they were cuddles and snuggles and all, and i really missed my booski. of course he was back in the A making music, and in most situations that would be us all snuggly, and everyone else looking on. now i know how it feels. they hadnt seen each other in a bit. you could tell. so huggy. my phone screen saver is them cuddling and looking at tv. it may make me wierd but its a darling photo. the next day i sent him a text message with the pic and a threat/seal of approval. something to the effect of "i think youre a great guy but i will kill you if you hurt her." kesi got one too. its tradition.

so anyway we drive back to atlanta with pseudo SNORING in the back seat. i mean letting the nasal passages have it! so we get into a deep ass convo about their relationship and how they work together and others who have not quite done it for her, one guy in particular. (the man vs. man guy.) we see a billion deer and freaked out over that. damn deer. growl. really nice night to talk and be scared by deer. just peaceful and quiet and beautiful. we get off the highway and pseudo pops up to announce way enthusiastically that we are home. yes we are.

sunday i spent at home, coloring my hair, laden with calls from lauren and a mutual friend who is dying to see her. funny, we're really close but we BARELY see each other. lauren comes to town and suddenly he's mr find-a-way. i'm just saying. yeah he might be in love with her or something, but damn. can a sister get some love? lauren and i planned to take her brother to the movies so he was gonna meet her at my house cuz he had to "pick someone up." lauren's bro is too grown. i told him he needs to be 7 again. he was such a cutie patootie! still is. but i cant call him that cuz he's near grown.

so our mutual friend arrives to see lauren and mock my turtle. they chat for a bit and we head to the movies. lauren says to me, "who's car is he driving?" not his. is it a honda? "yeah." probably his girlfriend's. "so he came to see me in his girlfriend's car?" and she's probably the someone he has to pick up. tacky! now if kesi went to see someone i didnt like, in my car... just, tacky! on to the movies. we saw SawIII. my second time seeing it but it was so good. please watch it. there was one scene i couldnt bear to watch twice, but still i loved it. btw did i mention the food cost a billion dollars? ok yeah we expect movie food to cost but still come on. 8 dollars and they gave me this gigantic coke which i couldnt get through half of. i shoulda snuck something in.

so movie, then it was time to say bye to my friend. i didnt wanna. i dont think we'll see each other til we go to VEGAS BABY in feb. sad face. on the up side, kesi came over and he got the rest of his present, heh heh.

birthdays and roadtrips

so this weekend was kesi, keem and lauren's lil bro's birthdays. i had three days off in a row! lets go back to thursday.

thursday was kesi's bday but we both had to work. whilst at work i get a text from la. "how's the weather there?" haha i thought she was just making convo. so i told her and asked why she wanted to know. "So i know what to pack." stop playin! i was so excited. couldnt wait to get home. so when finally we do get off work, we head to his house. i got him a card, a piece of his favorite lemon cake with a candle in it, and the grand finale, the rare and elusive sifl and olly complete dvds. (do ya'll remember sifl and olly? great mtv puppet show that he loves and has all over his myspace page. you were about 14 when it came out.) the first thing he saw when he walked into the kitchen was the candle. i wonder what he wished for. we watched the dvd till i was sleepy.

friday we woke up just in time to watch our soaps, lol. then we went to wendy's and i got him a birthday lunch. my plan was for us to go to the aquarium but i didnt have the money for it. so we went back to his place and i searched for a vet nearby to take mikey to. as i said before it took forever and the vet was gone. so we kept driving down ben hill so we could go to my mom's drycleaners at the "ghetto mall." but we got lost! somehow we ended up by his job. i dont know if you know but atlanta streets not only twist and turn but also travel through black holes and time warps. well since we're there, we picked up some crickets and went to target. when we got back home i happy birthdayed his bro and gave him $20. then lauren came over. yay! i ran out to the car. btw i noticed she was driving an Mpala rather than an Impala. lol, the i apparently came off. it was still a fresh car. we watched basketball. why? cuz she wanted to. at one point tony parker was doing something sporty and i said, "Oh, that's eva longoria's boyfriend!" i watch too much E! she couldnt stay and go to the club with us, but we ended up not going anyways, so... she asked if i wanted to go to columbus with her. sure. kesi couldnt go cuz he had to record a song. damn.

this is pretty long i think. or it will be if i continue on. more to come.

Week one with the turtle

so lets go back. way back... i havent always wanted a turtle. i actually was gonna get fish. but my brother in law, keem, said in his deep but nasaly voice, why dont you get a turtle? and i said why not? and he said you could call it donatello! and kesi said no michaelangelo! and i said hell yeah! and thus the idea was born.

but the ones they had at the store were expensive. and i got sad. then people wanted to find turtles for me. what great friends i have! but just when it seemed they forgot to look out for my first pet, B calls to tell me C pulled one out of the creek for me. aw! and thus the turtle in my room was found.

first it wouldnt eat. i went to petsmart and spent $70 on food and books and environment, and it wouldnt eat. turns out, according to turtles for dummies, anorexia is common in turtles when they are stressed. eh? my turtle has to go visit mary kate, or ashley or whichever. so i put a variety of food in the tank. bananas, blueberries, letture... back to petsmart.

"Babies only eat live food. you need crickets." seriously? ok. i buy crickets. it eats at least one. awesome! we have contact. now we go to the vet because the petsmart guy says it may not survive. pessimist.

the vet was a whole new issue. by the time we got up the day after kesi's birthday, called many an animal hospital only to find they dont have a reptologist, find one and drive there, the vet had left for the day. we have to come back monday. ok. monday comes and dr thurbert is a nice guy. he asks questions and gives good advice. the least of which is that the turtle needs worms to survive. i did notice it burrowing, but i thought it was cold. also it needs to have more water than i'm giving and that its a 6 month old male. it will need a bigger cage eventually. after the vet we head to the bait shop.

upon arrival to the bait shop, i notice one big thing. there are no cars here. just pickups. i feel the presence of old white men and tell kesi we'll surely be the youngest, most negro things going. we walk in and what's on? all my children! this calms me a bit. old white men watchin stories. cant be so bad. i get my worms and head out, after the guy behind the counter shows us photos of the young buck he caught. wow.

so little mikey is great. i get to nurture something, which is fun. its been an adventure already. and i got a pet! yay!

commissioned

so firstly, its my kesi's birthday weekend. and my lauren is in town. but we're all in the midst of that so i wont blog about it til like tuesday. on with the post:

i crochet. not knit. knitting involves two straight needles. i use one hooked one. and i'm damn good at it.

i started when i was 9. my grandma lula taught my mom and she taught me. back in the day i'd make something then unravel it and make something else.

lately i've been making stuff for friends and family. but you gotta understand that since it takes so long to make, lately has been some years. i first made kesi a king size blanket, black and blue double stitch. with a crazy patern. hot patern. took me four months. labor of love.

i made a scarf for lauren her first winter at howard simple, red, cozy. her blanket is coming up. maybe a throw?

i made a baby blankie for my friend sheria. big enough to swaddle her cute lil daughter in. granny square grouped stitch. pink and lavender. how darling.

for me, another labor of love. a cape verdean flag. not so hard to do, just blue, white and red, then yellow stars. stars are hard man. i havent really finished because of that. my mom's supposed to show me how.

so my friend calls me last week to ask me to make her a baby blankie for her friend. she saw the other one i made and wanted to know how much i charged. wha? i got a hustle! i told her $25 because she's my girl and she talks. she'll get me some business. and then my other friend asked me about the king blanket i made and when i told him it'd be $150, he was like yeah? hell yeah! if people wanna give me money for doing something i'm damn good at, shoot... pay me!

the new addition.

"i'm not going to attack you..."
"I know that. i was just thinking aloud."

actually i wasnt. i was passive aggressively letting this man- nice enough to drive me home- know i would stab him if he tried anything. mentioning that the knife in my purse needed to be replaced. and his calling me out on my bull was the start of my friendship with B.

hard to believe now he was so quiet when he first started working at the hotel. i cant remember how long it took for him to tell me we went to the same high school. i dont remember him from there, though we've probably been crossing paths since i first moved to east point. he lived a mile away from my old house and one of his best friends was in class with kesi. also he had english with my brother. the list goes on.

he started driving me and others home. that's him: worried about your safety and things. also, a young drinker. B looks like my older brother (literally, same skin tone, natural hair, big guy: 200 footballish lbs) but in reality he just turned 21 last week. but we'd go drinking last winter cuz he knows people. alcohol will bring people closer. when we'd be headed home, we'd talk about the girls who liked him from work. there are quite a few; he's a charmer.

he's the newest of my best friends. my club buddy. i laugh at his love for women. its almost an obsession. remember that joke by dave chapelle about how guys have things to impress women, where dave goes, "gotcha bitch"? i think every time B gets a phone number this goes through his head. i try to give him the neutral female perspective of things and listen to his views.

and he's freakin funny. i think of all things i can count on him to make me laugh during the workday. especially when the Hater is around. they get to arguing or something... but when we're with friends its even better. i cant even describe it over a blog.

the nature of our friendship is, i think, a catalyst. whenever the two of us are in the same area, neither can be in a bad mood. and usually neither are the people in the general area. of course there's seriousness, like with the dog, but its mostly fun. the kind of comfy fun that makes people best friends.