dont you hate them old lyin ass hoes
smiling in your face but in her best friend's clothes?
ok, seriously it was lil flip. but it's true! ok, so she didnt smile in my face, but this is what i think happened:
my "friend" told her friends that she had a "hook up"-me- and that she would guarantee a good time for those friends from services rendered by the hook up. all this happened before talking to me.
said "friend" called me repeatedly at times when i was busy-i am always busy- and left messages, not to say hi, happy birthday (in 2 weeks) or happy anniversary (one week), but to say "i need something from you for free."
said "friend" also left IM's on my yahoo acct to say "oh, so you cant pick up the phone?" mind you, the last time i talked to her was october. and she was drunk and dismissive. and only wanted to talk about herself.
so no, i will not be rendering my services to you, my "clothes" if you will, for you will surely be flossing off of what i got, not what you earned, if i did so.
and shit, i dont have time to make sure your shit is squared away when mine is all over the place. but you wouldnt know that, cuz you never asked, did you. boo to you madam. boo to you.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
i'm even to lazy to link them in this post. look down and left.
i finally put shani and overheard on my page. i have been linking to lauren to link to them...i'm so lazy. check them out. down and left people!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
tell your daddy i said "fuck it."
that dave chapelle moment brought to you by the asshole crack heads who busted out my back passenger window just to take the change out of my car, leaving kesi and me with more debt. i hope you get bad crack and die. DIE!!! the only thing keeping me calm is Sean Paul's "breakout" (the song at the end of the "Temperature" video). and now on to better things...
so James and i met and went to lenox. he looked exactly the same. i really expected a beard or something. we went to Burger King. we all know the "Kang" is my favoritest fast food thingie ever, and he and i made jokes about 7th period, and how we would skip to the dairy queen directly across the street from the school gym. ah...memories.
we talked and walked for 3 hours. it was so cool, a complete stress relief to talk to someone who you know but not really- at least, not like you used to. we talked about our stupid exes, went to brookstone and sat on the massage chairs (my middle school stalker works there- awkward!), kesi, who he apparently had a class with, the perils of an alternative high school, and my plans to get by on my looks... music, old times, new times, work...the double standard that allows women to say, "she's pretty" but keeps men from saying the same thing about other men...
it made me remember that he was like the only one of our crew that i could have a serious convo with or even a not to serious convo, without it drifting off into awkwardness or boredom or one of us turning the conversation into our life story, which the other person inevitably does not care about. he invited my boyfriend and i camping, on as long as i bring a cute friend. does he not know all my cute friends live in a different state? or are guys? i'll be sure to work on that.
got home just in time for LOST. he called me out on my getting a ride from him just to get there before 9pm. superfans gotta do what they gotta do. we promised to do it again and said good night. awesome.
so James and i met and went to lenox. he looked exactly the same. i really expected a beard or something. we went to Burger King. we all know the "Kang" is my favoritest fast food thingie ever, and he and i made jokes about 7th period, and how we would skip to the dairy queen directly across the street from the school gym. ah...memories.
we talked and walked for 3 hours. it was so cool, a complete stress relief to talk to someone who you know but not really- at least, not like you used to. we talked about our stupid exes, went to brookstone and sat on the massage chairs (my middle school stalker works there- awkward!), kesi, who he apparently had a class with, the perils of an alternative high school, and my plans to get by on my looks... music, old times, new times, work...the double standard that allows women to say, "she's pretty" but keeps men from saying the same thing about other men...
it made me remember that he was like the only one of our crew that i could have a serious convo with or even a not to serious convo, without it drifting off into awkwardness or boredom or one of us turning the conversation into our life story, which the other person inevitably does not care about. he invited my boyfriend and i camping, on as long as i bring a cute friend. does he not know all my cute friends live in a different state? or are guys? i'll be sure to work on that.
got home just in time for LOST. he called me out on my getting a ride from him just to get there before 9pm. superfans gotta do what they gotta do. we promised to do it again and said good night. awesome.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
you can call me too! if you have my number...
remember when i said that i was gonna call more than two people in my phone book? i think more people are reading this than i originally believed. they keep calling me! not a problem, not complaining.
one of the people that called was my old high school friend, who i will call james, because no one knows thats his name. james is my ex's wife's ex. but before all that, we were very close. we would skip school and have deep talks- as deep as two 16-year olds can get... then we fell out.
we would skip school together and essentially failed spanish two together. he, my boyfriend at the time, his girlfriend and i would go to my house because it was closest, and watch tv and do other things which may or may not have been illegal. it was a lovely existence until we all werent going to graduate on time.
long ass story which still makes certain people (me? noooo...) really pissed, i wrote them a letter saying that all they wanted to do was skip school and have sex, and that i was over all that (so easy to say when my boyfriend lived in another state by then). i pretty much hypocritically insulted james and his girlfriend, who i had known since 7th grade. needless to say they were igged, especially since they were trying to make changes too- although on a side note james and i are the only ones who actually did graduate out of ALL our crew.
so we drifted. i didnt see or hear of him for literally years. then sometime near new years, i get a myspace message from him apologizing for the way our friendship ended. wow. our exes, who are now married and popping out kids, are probably looking at our pictures with a scowl to this day. and here we are, making up. turns out, we never really had any animosity between the two of us that wasnt fueled by our formers.
so i am meeting him for a late lunch today. i'm sure we will have much to talk about. not only am i sticking to my non-resolutions, i am growing! look at me making friends!!!
one of the people that called was my old high school friend, who i will call james, because no one knows thats his name. james is my ex's wife's ex. but before all that, we were very close. we would skip school and have deep talks- as deep as two 16-year olds can get... then we fell out.
we would skip school together and essentially failed spanish two together. he, my boyfriend at the time, his girlfriend and i would go to my house because it was closest, and watch tv and do other things which may or may not have been illegal. it was a lovely existence until we all werent going to graduate on time.
long ass story which still makes certain people (me? noooo...) really pissed, i wrote them a letter saying that all they wanted to do was skip school and have sex, and that i was over all that (so easy to say when my boyfriend lived in another state by then). i pretty much hypocritically insulted james and his girlfriend, who i had known since 7th grade. needless to say they were igged, especially since they were trying to make changes too- although on a side note james and i are the only ones who actually did graduate out of ALL our crew.
so we drifted. i didnt see or hear of him for literally years. then sometime near new years, i get a myspace message from him apologizing for the way our friendship ended. wow. our exes, who are now married and popping out kids, are probably looking at our pictures with a scowl to this day. and here we are, making up. turns out, we never really had any animosity between the two of us that wasnt fueled by our formers.
so i am meeting him for a late lunch today. i'm sure we will have much to talk about. not only am i sticking to my non-resolutions, i am growing! look at me making friends!!!
Friday, January 20, 2006
i think youre smart, you sweet thing...tell me your name, i'm dying here.
A few days ago, in nostalgia over our impending four year anniversary, i was looking at photos my boyfriend and i took together. Four years. The best i've ever experienced. So why did i do that "secret tears" thing i do when i kind of do/dont want him to know i'm crying? The answer goes back to the begining. cue flashback.
Seven years ago, i'm sitting on the floor outside the chorus room with my new friend brandi(oh how time flies), when this tall, skinny boy walks by. She says hi and introduces us, and he goes on his way, off to the tv prod. room. I ask brandi his name again, and ask her if he's foreign. I think he's cute. I inquire more about his name and determine that he's middle eastern, and i like that. Of course i would find this not to be true, but he was still cute.
And here we are now, dating, loving, planning our future, and he tells me that for legal reasons- read: someone very close to him is stealing his identity-, he may have to change his name. To what, who knows. But he wont be him, not by name.
I love his name, which i will not and have not stated (kesi is his middle name). I love saying it, writing it; when people ask me what it is, i love saying it a few times until they get it right, then explaining that its a family name, and that we only know of four other people with that first name who have existed in america. It was what attracted me to him. An unusual name for an unusual man. All the other losers i dated were named jason, ronald, michael... Bland, unextraordinary names.
So i cried. I wanted him to know because i always want him to know how i feel, but i didnt because i didnt want to get in the way of something he has to do. i didnt tell him that i was and he didnt figure it out. we kind of breezed off the subject. I wanted to give my son that name. I still might. But i guess its not so much of a legacy if someone with that name makes it so you have to change it. In a way i feel like i'm overreacting, but i imagined marrying "kesi", not "billy normal-dude". Even if its in name only.
Whatever happens, i'll still love him. Maybe he could change his name every four years and it'll be like i'm dating a whole new guy! That looks just like my ex... Who had the coolest name.
Seven years ago, i'm sitting on the floor outside the chorus room with my new friend brandi(oh how time flies), when this tall, skinny boy walks by. She says hi and introduces us, and he goes on his way, off to the tv prod. room. I ask brandi his name again, and ask her if he's foreign. I think he's cute. I inquire more about his name and determine that he's middle eastern, and i like that. Of course i would find this not to be true, but he was still cute.
And here we are now, dating, loving, planning our future, and he tells me that for legal reasons- read: someone very close to him is stealing his identity-, he may have to change his name. To what, who knows. But he wont be him, not by name.
I love his name, which i will not and have not stated (kesi is his middle name). I love saying it, writing it; when people ask me what it is, i love saying it a few times until they get it right, then explaining that its a family name, and that we only know of four other people with that first name who have existed in america. It was what attracted me to him. An unusual name for an unusual man. All the other losers i dated were named jason, ronald, michael... Bland, unextraordinary names.
So i cried. I wanted him to know because i always want him to know how i feel, but i didnt because i didnt want to get in the way of something he has to do. i didnt tell him that i was and he didnt figure it out. we kind of breezed off the subject. I wanted to give my son that name. I still might. But i guess its not so much of a legacy if someone with that name makes it so you have to change it. In a way i feel like i'm overreacting, but i imagined marrying "kesi", not "billy normal-dude". Even if its in name only.
Whatever happens, i'll still love him. Maybe he could change his name every four years and it'll be like i'm dating a whole new guy! That looks just like my ex... Who had the coolest name.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Why i dont go out: part two, And other recaps from the longest week ever.
so i havent been on the computer, let alone blogging, for about a week. instead i have been working my ass off trying to make some money before i head to back to school for the new year. here are some discoveries, quick notes, and interesting tidbits i have discovered in my immense tiredness.
1. i think i have developed carpal tunnel from opening wine bottles. that, and the crocheting i was doing to relax myself before i went to bed every night at about 2am...damn Gift Mart women drink like sailors. my hand cramped unconsolably on sunday night and my mom had to massage it. at which point i discovered:
2.if there is hope for her, there is hope for anyone. yes, even you. my ma is sickly in love. a fact i never noticed because, A: the guy was always around, and B: i spend most of my time down in my room, anti-home-socially, as it should be. but she is. he went back home to help his mom with some things, and has been gone for about a month, but you'd think it has been a year the way she wont shut up about how much she misses him. and he calls every day. from a foreign country!!!! so they want to get married, bla bla bla... my mother seemed like she would just be mom for the rest of her life, not someone's wife. i'll leave the reasons for another day. just know that its possible to love. and hope it doesnt take 44 years.
3. american idol is good, if for nothing else than to ail the grieving. my friend, the one who got drunk at the christmas party, her father in law died. she held his hand as he passed earlier that day. she started the work day off crying and dealing with her sadness in between ringing up guests and eating unneeded desserts. at 8 i turned to fox, and pretty much did all the cashiering while she stood in front of the tv and laughed. by the end of the night there was a smile on her face, which is the way i always like to see her. i dont know what happened after i left, but at least she smiled at crazy people singing " i shot the sherriff" in full costume, for a lil while.
4. your crotch should NEVER smell of alcohol. so we went out to drink after a long friday night- i wasnt buying of course. i decided to try out my "martinis might be to much" alternative plan and drink an incredible hulk. loves em. too much, maybe? around 3am, my old (literally) friend thomas began his heinneken(or however you spell it)-fueled speech on men who cheat on women, when i asked him if he was faithful to his woman. as i began my hulk-fueled response in a fully gestured manner, i hit the top of my glass and spilled it on my pants. ok, no good. then i realized i was wearing lycra, and in my semi-drunken genius, explained that it was ok, because lycra doesnt absorb! thats why we wear it to exercise! genius! and as i sat my happy ass back down, i realized that liquid has to go somewhere. and victoria's secret is that she likes the booze. and one of my friends calls me hulk drawers.
and lastly...
5. if you are in the closet, close the door. two of my coworkers, one clearly gay, and one really sensitive, got into it monday night. the sensitive one claimed the gay one was "looking at him funny" which turned into a shouting match dead in the middle of the kitchen. now, i aint in all that. my problem is that the gay one comes to me saying "if i was gay, why would i want him?" and then tell my best work friend, mr sensitive's best work friend, that you are, in fact, gay. as if i wasnt blaringly aware. i mean, i was a drama student. like sillk says: "you aint gotta lie to kick it." so if you are in the closet, dont keep the door wide open, step out a few feet, and then jump back in like we didnt see you at the window a minute ago...
time for my next class...
1. i think i have developed carpal tunnel from opening wine bottles. that, and the crocheting i was doing to relax myself before i went to bed every night at about 2am...damn Gift Mart women drink like sailors. my hand cramped unconsolably on sunday night and my mom had to massage it. at which point i discovered:
2.if there is hope for her, there is hope for anyone. yes, even you. my ma is sickly in love. a fact i never noticed because, A: the guy was always around, and B: i spend most of my time down in my room, anti-home-socially, as it should be. but she is. he went back home to help his mom with some things, and has been gone for about a month, but you'd think it has been a year the way she wont shut up about how much she misses him. and he calls every day. from a foreign country!!!! so they want to get married, bla bla bla... my mother seemed like she would just be mom for the rest of her life, not someone's wife. i'll leave the reasons for another day. just know that its possible to love. and hope it doesnt take 44 years.
3. american idol is good, if for nothing else than to ail the grieving. my friend, the one who got drunk at the christmas party, her father in law died. she held his hand as he passed earlier that day. she started the work day off crying and dealing with her sadness in between ringing up guests and eating unneeded desserts. at 8 i turned to fox, and pretty much did all the cashiering while she stood in front of the tv and laughed. by the end of the night there was a smile on her face, which is the way i always like to see her. i dont know what happened after i left, but at least she smiled at crazy people singing " i shot the sherriff" in full costume, for a lil while.
4. your crotch should NEVER smell of alcohol. so we went out to drink after a long friday night- i wasnt buying of course. i decided to try out my "martinis might be to much" alternative plan and drink an incredible hulk. loves em. too much, maybe? around 3am, my old (literally) friend thomas began his heinneken(or however you spell it)-fueled speech on men who cheat on women, when i asked him if he was faithful to his woman. as i began my hulk-fueled response in a fully gestured manner, i hit the top of my glass and spilled it on my pants. ok, no good. then i realized i was wearing lycra, and in my semi-drunken genius, explained that it was ok, because lycra doesnt absorb! thats why we wear it to exercise! genius! and as i sat my happy ass back down, i realized that liquid has to go somewhere. and victoria's secret is that she likes the booze. and one of my friends calls me hulk drawers.
and lastly...
5. if you are in the closet, close the door. two of my coworkers, one clearly gay, and one really sensitive, got into it monday night. the sensitive one claimed the gay one was "looking at him funny" which turned into a shouting match dead in the middle of the kitchen. now, i aint in all that. my problem is that the gay one comes to me saying "if i was gay, why would i want him?" and then tell my best work friend, mr sensitive's best work friend, that you are, in fact, gay. as if i wasnt blaringly aware. i mean, i was a drama student. like sillk says: "you aint gotta lie to kick it." so if you are in the closet, dont keep the door wide open, step out a few feet, and then jump back in like we didnt see you at the window a minute ago...
time for my next class...
Sunday, January 08, 2006
and, like sex, i will need to take a nap after
So school is about to start again for me, after about a month off for winter break. I'm exited to go back, which is big because four years ago, i decided i was tired of learning and i took a break. Besides, i didnt know what i wanted to do with my life.
now, after deciding i want to be in radio, i am back in school, and actually doing well. In the past six months i've accumulated a 3.8 GPA. I dont mention this to brag, instead to say this: i'm proud of myself, but i'm also very scared.
i didnt do this good in high school. Or elementary. Mostly because i wasnt motivated; i in no way believe i wasnt smart. Its just that now i got this drive in me i never had before, to be able to work and go to school and hardly ever spend time at home or with friends because i want to am too busy or sleepy.
on the other hand, i have to work harder cuz I'm three years behind all my peers. Look at reka: she's already on the radio and i just took audio two. So what if i'm too late? What if my efforts are in vain?
so i fight and get good- nay, great- grades so no one can legitimately deny me. I want to get an internship this summer and absorb all i can so that in 09 (09!!) i can graduate and get a great job and do what i want and what i love. I guess its not so bad. I'm living the dream or some crap. You can never know if you are making the right choice. But as lauren said, my mind is clear. No matter what my emotions say, and they have been saying alot, i know what i have to do and i take it one day, one class at a time. By the end of this whole school thing, something everyone but me knew i was gonna do, i'm gonna be tired but satisfied (like sex, even). And if i quit i'd just be tired.
now, after deciding i want to be in radio, i am back in school, and actually doing well. In the past six months i've accumulated a 3.8 GPA. I dont mention this to brag, instead to say this: i'm proud of myself, but i'm also very scared.
i didnt do this good in high school. Or elementary. Mostly because i wasnt motivated; i in no way believe i wasnt smart. Its just that now i got this drive in me i never had before, to be able to work and go to school and hardly ever spend time at home or with friends because i want to am too busy or sleepy.
on the other hand, i have to work harder cuz I'm three years behind all my peers. Look at reka: she's already on the radio and i just took audio two. So what if i'm too late? What if my efforts are in vain?
so i fight and get good- nay, great- grades so no one can legitimately deny me. I want to get an internship this summer and absorb all i can so that in 09 (09!!) i can graduate and get a great job and do what i want and what i love. I guess its not so bad. I'm living the dream or some crap. You can never know if you are making the right choice. But as lauren said, my mind is clear. No matter what my emotions say, and they have been saying alot, i know what i have to do and i take it one day, one class at a time. By the end of this whole school thing, something everyone but me knew i was gonna do, i'm gonna be tired but satisfied (like sex, even). And if i quit i'd just be tired.
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