"maybe, I gotta see what my daddy wants to do for his day."
"I KEEP forgetting tomorrow is fathers day!"
I keep forgetting because its been over a year since I've talked to my dad. I've talked about him before, all the drama, but since he chose to not come to my brother's graduation I haven't said boo to him. At one point I wanted to renew the facets of our relationship and have him fix my car, but his number is disconnected, so... At this point I figure if you really missed us, you'd call MY number has been the same for years.
Yesterday, kesi's dad's girlfriend's daughter (yes, all that is necessary... She's separated from us by trifling people) called him. We were napping, as we are wont to do, and his voice was very deep and scratchy as he was telling her, "fathers day is very busy, I can't just not go to work... Nope, I can't come by tomorrow... I don't know we'll see..." etc. She's 13 and doesn't really understand what it is to be fed up with her father like Kesi and I are. Her father died when she was 5. But she lives with Kesi's dad and he's the closest thing she has. Funny how people can be one thing to some people and something else to others. My dad is currently taking care of his girlfriend's child too, I would suppose.
Kesi's brother, H, and I were in the kitchen talking one night and somehow the conversation turned to our wedding: would he be in it, why don't Kesi and I just go get married and spend the money on some big vacation, etc. "will you feel bad if your dad doesn't walk you down the aisle?" I wouldn't. Ok, maybe on some level. But I've got two brothers who would do it. Or a close friend. Someone who's been there more than he has. Of course, traditionally, it would be nice for him to do that, but at the same time, who's to say I wouldn't temporarily have him in my life just for him to disappear again, and then I'm stuck with him tainting the memory of my wedding? And you may say, well the day is not about him, and that's true, and that's why I don't care if he doesn't walk me down the aisle.
Don't get me wrong, my dad isn't all bad. Its just... Its as if there's 2 of him, and I can't really reconcile that. There's the one guy is so proud of me, shows me off to everyone, takes me on boat trips, moves to a different state because his children were moving, calls Kesi his son in law, comes through when I need him, fixes up a friend's hair salon in return for a cheaper hair do for me. Then there's the guy who gets arrested 5 times in Atlanta, leaves the state (long term) without telling us, misses one son's graduation, doesn't know the other's on the way to Iraq, doesn't call, and picks some chick he barely knows over us. I never know what I'm going to get. I don't know him as well as I think I do.
About a week ago, Kesi and I were laying in bed, about to nap, as we are wont to do, when I started reciting: "I love you. You love me." when I would pause, he would nod. "we're a happy family. " "we're not a family." "yes we are." "but we don't have any kids. When we have kids, then we'll be a family." I think he's wrong, but he's right too. And I know that when we do have kids, it will be different. He'll do better. And I won't forget to honor him on father's day.
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4 comments:
aww... i held some resentment at my dad for some things he's done but my brother said, "you can't go back and change anything and it only hurts you. you have to move on." he's trying to do better so that helps. he would be heartbroken if he didn't walk me down the aisle. I know you're thinking why wouldn't he. i don't really talk abt the rocky parts of our relationship on the blog and like i said, we're a lot better now. i hope you and your dad can heal your relationship.
I didn't really know much about absentee fathers until I went to college and came up on a whole lotta black kids who either didn't know their dads or didn't care to know them.
I can't imagine what it's like not being bff with my dad, but I suppose people fill in that space with someone else, if they can.
thank u hon, glad to know we are appreciated, especially us who raise our kids by ourselves basically and live with them each day
I know all about the 2 different fathers. When he was around, my father was all about us, it just seemed like when he wasn't around, we didn't exist. Here's hoping that he will get it together before its too late.
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