Be a better consumer.

So this weekend was an interesting one. It was spent with the FIRST robotics group, which is about a billion (rounding upward) teens who build robots for competition. As my supervisor put it, future sci fi conference goers. And not the kind I enjoy, the fun loving, ooh-remember-that-one-guy-dressed-as-Superman-drool kind. The socially inept, smelly kind. I don't remember being so stupid as a teen. Really I don't.

I was going to put all the dumb things they said in list form, but there wasn't much said so much as done. So I decided to give you a list of DONTs, so that you may be a better retail consumer. Note that when I refer to myself, I am talking about all retail associates. But especially me.

1. Don't say stupid ish to me. I will look at you like you're crazy and you will deserve it. Think before you ask me the question. Here are a few things I heard this weekend:
*"is there anywhere private I can smoke?" seeing how you can only smoke outside, I'm gonna say no.
*"which door is the front door?" the one you just walked in from.
*"do you have ice?" no, but starbucks does. "you think they'd give me some?" no, they're very stingy.
*after this one chick was let in after we were closed, I mentioned to my supervisors that I was out of change. The girl says "well hopefully you won't have any more guests!" If I didn't have to ring you up, it wouldn't matter now would it?

2. Do not make a big stink about prices. At least not to me. I don't make the prices, and I don't care what you think of them. And certainly don't give me a speech about it and then still buy the thing you complained about. Why do I have to listen to you gripe about how water should not be $4.50 and definitely should not be taxed, when you're going to buy it and drink it anyway?

3. Speaking of rants and raves, don't give me undeserved attitude. I remember one time this man accused my coworker of being racist because he waited on another man before him. Apparently it was because the first guy wanted coffee, but wasn't giving any signals that he was ready to pay; he was wandering around the cashier area, looking at and touching things. If you wanna do all that expect that I ring up the next person rather than wait for you. But the man decided that he didn't wanna buy coffee from someone who didn't wanna wait on him because he was black. Now I know there are ways for people to be racist against their own people, but damn. Where did you get this "racism over coffee" scenario from? Also, I've had people huff at me for no reason too. This one lady threw up her hands and walked away because she wanted to ask me 52 questions and I told her to hold on a minute.

4. Even worse than an attitude is you completely ignoring me. Get off the phone! For 5 seconds. Please. They can wait. Or you can. If the phone call is so important that you can't hear me when I ask you to pay me, then finish your call and then get in line. You'll really make me hate you less that way.

5. Don't make your own line. Its busy, there are 2 or 3 cashiers, but there is ONE LINE. You are not special. I will ignore you. Do not stand to my side unless you have questions, because I will not take your money. The reason for this is simple. My line may speed up or slow down depending on what I have to do with the guest in front of me. I may even have to walk away from the register. Meanwhile you're mad at me cuz the other line is moving faster. So we just keep it at one. Trust me, it will move quicker that way.

6. When you get to the cashier, do NOT walk away from her while she is ringing you up. If I tell you your cereal has free milk, get it after you pay. Its free, remember?! If you need a fork, or want me to add an extra water to your tab, again, get it after you pay. If its not possible for me to ring up the item without scanning it, this is an exception. But please move quickly. If you take too long I'll close you out and move on to the next person.

7. Don't hit on me. Just don't. I'm paid to be nice to you. You're not cute. I don't want you to be at the door when we close trying to take me out (this has happened). I will sneak out the back on you. I can't come to your room, and by asking you pretty much called me a ho.

8. Don't ask for freebees or discounts. Its just rude. If I haven't done anything eroneous or offensive, you don't deserve for me to give you a "hook up." I don't know you. Boo. And don't act hurt or think I'm joking when I ring you up for full price. You're not worth my job.

9. Don't ask for stuff I just told you we don't carry. If you ask if we have tobacco, and I say, "just cigarettes," don't ask me for snuff. Cuz I'm going to say, " just cigarettes," in a tone that implies that you may be deaf. If you ask for shampoo and I say we have pert, don't ask for head and shoulders. Again, I will advise you to see an ear doctor. This is not to be confused with Jameil's problem wherein I say I have something and bring you something else. I told you we don't carry that at all.

10. Don't assume that I don't know what I'm talking about. I know we don't have the item that you want. But you INSIST I check the back. I'll go back there, but I very well may not actually search for what I know is not there. I'll wait a few minutes, come back, and explain that I "looked everywhere." you are none the wiser, and I just spent the last 5 minutes on the phone with my boyfriend. Additionally, don't ask me a question and then ask someone else because you don't like my answer. Cuz you're going to hate it just as much the 2nd time you hear it. I had one person do this to me as if I was speaking gibberish.

11. And lastly, on the subject of gibberish, I know that if you don't speak English you're probably not reading this, but consider it if you go to another country or to Chinatown or something. Do not speak your language to me! Do you know how I don't speak anything but English and a lil bit of functional Spanish? Don't come at me with Italian, Italian dude! And lil Brazilian lady? Cut it. Lemme tell you one of the reasons I have yet to visit Cape Verde: I don't speak kriolu. I'm wanting to learn though. And so, when you come to America, I need you to speak functional English. "How much?" "Where's the bathroom?" that sort of thing. All I know of Italian is rigatoni, and all I know of Brazil is big booties. You get the face.

Take this. Run with it. Don't let me talk about you.
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