it aint always easy...

so about a year ago, i started this blog in the hopes of becoming a better person. through that year, alot has happened which has helped and hindered this goal. i feel i am more the person i need to be, but in some areas i still need help. i started off on this journey because i was afraid of being the reason i'd lose the best thing that ever happened to my life, and lose the future we were making for ourselves. with that said, here's a look at my progress.

me pookie... hi.
him shup. what you doin?
me nothing. definitely not eating. just laying here thinking.
him bout what?
me us. how good you are.
him freak.
me not like that! i been thinking with all the shit going on with me i might not notice if something was going on with you.
him so what you saying?
me i dont know. maybe i'm not paying attention to you. i wouldnt know.
him what made you think about this?
me i dont know. just watching you make music today. and last night you were telling kit you werent inspired to write or something like that.
him well recently i been feeling a little looked over as far as my feelings about doing things.
me what you mean?
him like me not wanting to do something isnt valid anymore. like with the burger king situation.
me i understand. its just hard to see why that would be such a problem if we were going that way. but that's just that situation.
him i really didnt wanna go there. i told you that before. but we did anyway and my brother ended up being late for work and i was feeling anxious and rushed.
me sorry...

we further debate the lack of food choices...

me and i'm generally stressed and get my mind set on something that'll make me feel better.
him but we could have dropped him off and got you something.
me but when i'm told i cant have it i feel bad cuz it doesnt seem like so much to ask for. like the turtle thing. yeah. i'm a brat.
him it isnt. its just that you come at me with this vibe that puts mad pressure on me. its hard.
me i'm sorry babe. i'm a jerk.

i secretly start crying.

him i know that its not that serious but i hate being thrown off by something so small.
me ok. i'll try to do better.

we continue im-ing and joking around. but i dont necessarilly feel settled...

me how will you live with me the rest of your life? i'm crazy. and lucky.
him what you mean?
me i just am. you think growing up in a big family would teach me how to treat people.
him i'll ignore you when you act crazy. learned that from an old couple. in big families everyone's fighting for attention.
me that'll work. i dont know. i just cant get over how absentmindedly i do things.
him yep.
me i just want our relationship to be like new all the time. and i dont want you to feel something and not tell me. i mean, what if i hadnt asked?

i start to cry again.

him then i'da thrown you down some stairs, lol.
me lol. seriously babe.
him yeah. i woulda said something at some point.
me ok. i just want you to be happy with me.
him are you happy with me?
me of course! you make me feel like... i dont know. i didnt used to think i was supposed to be happy. youre my reward for all the shit i endured. i cant fuck it up.
him lol.
me i'm serious. i'm over here hyperventilating over this. i need you.

pause.

me. this is where you say you need me too...
him lol why you hyperventilating?
me i was crying. alot. my nose hurts.
him lol i do need you baby. now stop crying. i thought you was gangsta!
me i am gangsta! i'll cry and whoop your ass while doing it.
him doubt it.
me its just when i think about losing you it really fucks me up.

we continue to talk and joke. we ended on a good note and i'm glad we did or it would have just ate away at me.

so i think i'm getting better. i'm not totally caught off guard by my bad behavior... now if i could only stop it before it happens. this past week i've taken it as a lesson learned and i feel like we've grown. still waiting on that turtle.

i really curse alot huh?

chicken pox: a story with no real point.

althea got chicken pox last week. she came back to work with scratch spots all over her. adults still GET chicken pox? gee whiz...

i got chicken pox when i was 7. i may have contracted it at my grandma's funeral. one of my cousins had it and gave it to everyone. but she also lived upstairs from me so i may have been a carrier...

my grandma lula mae was born and raised in monks corner, sc. my grandfather too. as it goes, my mom's dad was born in rome, ga, so i have a deep southern heritage that i try to deny. anyway, monks corner was a 14 hour ride away, on a coach bus with family members who i knew and didnt know. my mom sat in the front and my dad in the back. not because they needed to be separated, but because they werent together anymore and werent bound by compromise to sit near each other. i would bounce back and forth on the bus to one of them or the other, and bug relatives for snacks and to hear what they were listening to on their tape players.

south carolina was CUNTREE! as compared to the biggest city in connecticut, complete with projects and latin gangs, i was in the deep woods. whole new experience. big as crickets and mosquitoes... i swear i had never seen a field before then. a "hills are alive, hey is that corn?" field. i played until dusk with distant cousins and came in the house dark as a tollhouse chocolate chip.

it was there that i smelled the worst smell i'd ever. some meat maybe, boiling on the stove. even with the lid on it filled the house with the stench of death. chitlins. the "c" must be a typo. i asked my mom what it was and she told me intestines. i thought she was joking. ew. i picked at that night's food.

that small town was beautiful. even though i was there to say good bye to my grandma i have really good memories. but that doesnt suprise me. she lives in every scarf or blanket i ever crocheted. its funny, all my life, she was sick. diabetes. she had her leg amputated and her prosthetic would sit next to her when she was watching tv, with a flat black loafer and a knee high stocking. i would touch it and look at her missing lower leg, but i wasnt afraid.

she made great iced tea. it had a whole lemon in it. cut, of course.

so i got chicken pox at her funeral. couldnt go to school for a week, and i actually liked school then. my dad had to take care of us when my mom was at work. we played all day and at one point i climbed into our jennifer couch and made my dad look for me before i jumped out and scared him. i know he was probably thinking my mom was gonna kill him if i wandered out into the street in a fever hallucination. he once sent me back home without bathing me and she's still mad about that.

dont they call it shingles when older people get pox?

hello, pot? this is monica. youre black.

friends, in case you were wondering. one of the funniest lines.

so anyway, i'm at work right now, bloging, cuz in life, bitches be hating. and they always gotta hate over a man. ugh!

it all started with a kind gesture. lets set the scene.

nice chick: i was gonna bring these forms to you. i'm just so kind!
me: thanks. and shallow...(we laugh)... if i
can admit it about myself i can say it about you.
hater: can you admit that youre nosy?

see, right here i could have been like damn who was talking to you. instead, i answered her in my continued lighthearted manner. yes i am nosy, but mostly cuz i'm absent minded and when i tune back in i'm usually lost on the whole conversation whoever was having. they used to call me "Huh" in middle school.

i refused to give in to her passive aggressive silliness. it was highly hypocritical of her to ask me that, when earlier today she was all in mine about why am i going on break so early, and dont i eat at home, and what does anemia have to do with this whole thing... bear in mind i had been at work for 4 hours.

and now the bitches be hating theme song:

"so tell me what you on,
tell me what the hell you want,
need to worry bout your own,
i'm about to put you on blast...
i dont think you really want it..."
danity kane is doin the thang people.

i really think this stems back to her and my friend b. he used to date her, and was the one who said he was torn between kissing her and kicking her. i think she's jealous that we're close and she fucked up her chances with a good man. but i never told him to break up with her. it was obvious he should. but it was hard cuz he really loves her daughter.

now i think she thinks i'm running back to him telling her things. but the truth is, he doesnt care. and she thinks she's being sneaky, talking to like 4 dudes in the hotel, but everyone knows and no one gives a damn. between her and her best friend they are all high school, making their smart comments and spending their time thinking about me and feeling threatened over the fact that i'm cool with their man and former man. and her best friend is not doing a good job of disguising the fact that she's dating someone in our department. boo bitch... i dont want him.

so how long can i let this carry on, her little coy innocent yet snarky thing she's doing? its all just to see me get mad and snap on her so it looks like i'm ms crazy... but i'm a natural born talker, and i know how to have her whole shit laid out for everyone to see. i wouldnt dare incriminate myself so she looks good. i'm to smart for that. and for all she thinks she's got on me, i definitely got something for her.

"breeze... blowing in the wind... baby please believe i'm alright,
cuz its 70 degrees and sunny over here,
you can stay up out my ear."

ps: visit www.laurenashleigh.blogspot.com for other hating bitches.

retail therapy only works when you have money

so next weekend i was supposed to go to a white party but despite my nag- ahem- asking kesi to request the day off he didnt and he cant go. i was very disappointed because if you notice, everytime i mention going out he's not in those posts. we find it very hard to get the same days off. i still might go, but that's not the point of this entry. the point is i was let down.

today, my day off, i was supposed to get a turtle. i have a $20 petsmart card ready to go but, did you know turtles cost hundreds of dollars? i didnt. i've never had a pet of my own and i was really excited about it being something cool, not like everyone else's dog or cat. i dont have hundreds of dollars and so my sadness continues. i still might get a fish- a few tiny sharks- but once again, not the point.

so i decided to go shop. i also had a $10 target card i was ready to get rid of. but due to my sullenness i spent a half hour wandering around with an empty cart and no real need to buy anything. i had planned to use the card on tank decorations.

i could help one of the problems i was having. at lauren's wise advice, i texted kesi and told him how i was feeling that he didnt listen to me, and that it was part of a bigger problem that had to do with us never going out together. long story short he told me he was sorry and that he loved me, and despite the fact that i might still be spending a night of fun without him, i'm not so distracted by things i didnt say.

with that, i went on a search for work pants. i cant believe things cost more at target than at marshall's all i wanted was black pants. $30! i didnt find pants there, but i did buy my brother some school supplies and get hit on by a guy with a gray beard.

on to marshall's. found a cute skirt for just $3 and an electric blue v-cut sweater that was perfect but too big. i dont think they were supposed to be such a display in the shirt. i sadly put it back after hoping i could find it in my size. i also spied the cutest burgundy pumas, which were so devastatingly hot i took a picture of them. i'm hoping they'll be there when i come back.

i finally found some work pants at ross. stretchy, which is good and bad. they stretch right around my butt and leave nothing to be imagined. but they only cost $8...

after all that i forgot to get bus fare. luckily kesi works really close by.

ms new booty

in high school i got on birth control and my breasts got bigger. not that they were small to start with...but the point is that people noticed. i'm not the one to throw it in people's faces (literally or figuratively) but i dont care if they notice.

now in adulthood, my bike butt has returned. it never went away, but i havent actually been on a bike in ages and in ages has anyone but kesi made comments on my rear. until the short shorts.

i have a pair of shorts that literally only covers my ass. i wore them to a concert (if you seen my myspace page you've seen that whole outfit) and looked sexy but not hoochie. but i had to go to the grocery store first...

and so began old guys buying cereal and saying DAMN! as i walked by. since then its like they put out a memo. joy=booty. i'm not used to this! i cant control the butt. its hard to hide or cover up when not in use. at least when i'm at work i'm not cleavage central, but i have to wear lycra pants...

another thing is that my face, body and brain dont match. i had an older guy -who i'm comfortable with- tell me that men his age would hit on me if they talked to me cuz my mind isnt 22. i can hold my own in an intellectual convo. but if he tried to take me somewhere he'd look like a molester cuz my face is too high school. i actually had a very charming 17 year old hit on me at work cuz he thought i was his age. at least he's got taste...

and maybe that explains 32 year old scooter man.

dont get me wrong. i love my body. i'm glad i'm cute. and i always say that if my butt was flat i'd be sad. to which some nearby guy replies, me too.

i forgot the best one!

naturally...

"you go to bed with an itchy butt, ya wake up with stanky fingers!" a poker playing guest, to which my supervisor replied, "i hate when that happens."

and honorable mention:

"i skeet devon all the time." my other manager today in a meeting. skeet is the noise she makes when she doesnt agree with you.

work-isms

just a few things that cracked me up on the 3 to 12...

"no ma'am." nadia's boyfriend over the speaker phone when she asked him if he would come get her.

"what floor is that on?" many a guest when told we're located on the garden level.

"uh uh boo." me to the loud drunk guests.

"sometimes i wanna kiss her, and sometimes i wanna kick her in the back!" b telling me about his ex, who also works with us.

"i got five kids!" denny anytime people ask her about money, life, general well being...

"i dont do 9 am." me.

"i guess i'll be alright." the guest who BLED ON ME!

"ya'll should stay open til like 3 am." a narcotics anonymous guest when told we'd only be serving coffee until 11.

"sang it, damn it!" a coworker mocking my mother in law.

"you know, i work for the president." a secret service worker who hit on me and subsequently made racist comments about my friend and me.

"who else got a pole in their room?" my supervisor, who has grandkids, and can eat a banana whole.

"6.25?! you take visa?" guests buying cigarettes.

"all the rooms should have one!" a woman mad at the lack of fridges in the 1700 room hotel.

"it's a fantabulicious friday!" My 'not gay' male coworker answering the phone.

"the first man to touch me was an old white guy! i was so confused!" bri talking about her first trip to the gynocologist.

and there are many more...

jinx!

if you havent seen ludacris's making the video, it'll be on friday at 10:30 am. he looks so good.

i been a fan of luda since fat rabbit. he used to be on hot 97 here in atlanta when i was a teen and i'd listen to him every night. i've met him twice. once in a club i was too young to be in, on christmas, while my ex was cheating on me. but it wasnt even a big deal cuz he called me beautiful. swoon...

i'm also a fan of hair. a few posts ago i mentioned that kesi had hair down to his butt. i once told him, before we got together, that i'd marry him and have kids with gorgeous hair. he cut it before his 21st. actually i cut it cuz it was the only thing that would cheer me up about his cutting it. i still have a braid in one of my old diaries.

when he had his hair people said he looked like cris. we might start hearing that again
since luda cut his hair too. lauren thinks i'm i'm a jinx. everyone whose hair i like ends up cutting it. but they both look damn sexy to me. i cant wait for the new cd. drool...

oh hell no!

so i'm at work, chillin in the shop, when the girl from the bar lounge comes up to me and we chat. but first, backstory:

last winter, she, b, and i went to the bar down the street from our job. we sat in a booth with this guy, who we'll call joe, cuz he had a booth and was alone. while he was with us he made attempts to hit on me but of course i wasnt trying to hear that. besides the obvious reasons, he was hardly my type. stocky and bald, and in case you havent heard kesi once had hair down to his butt. and he's skinny. and the guy wasnt even cute. back to today:

she went to the bar monday night. she tells me he had been asking about me. apparently every time he saw her, he'd ask about me. boo. she repeatedly told him i have a man and am not even thinking about his ass... and this time he listened... and started hitting on her. eh?!? weren't you just trying to long distance holler at her girl? now he switches it up and is telling her how he's a freak and how big he is and bla bla. she was clearly in ew mode.

but here's the best part: after she told him she was hella not interested (Btw she wasnt alone, two other employee guys were with her), they talked and drank and then the bar closed. as she headed to the car he headed to his... scooter.

hold up. this nigga had a scooter? and not like a vespa, no, like a damn kiddie fold up razor scooter. oh, did i mention this bruh is 32? now i am 22, getting long distance hit on by a drunk bald dude on a kiddie scooter! he scooted his way home alone.
but what if she had, against any good judgement, decided to go home with his too old ass? how would she get there? would he have been a gentleman and let her ride while he walked? would both of them fit on it?

oh i lost it. i was in there dying cracking up. dying! i'm in icu right now, in a coma. cuz this nigga is trauma.

last week's mini vacay.

my homie came to town and we went to the Ga aquarium. biggest in the world. here's a link to the photos i took there, if you like to look at tons of fishies. "Jelly glow" is my phone's wall paper...

we also went to gladys and ron's chicken and waffles. the food was so good i took a picture of that too, but i cant find it for some reason... internal fatness coming out. i probably erased it for pain of memory.

we DIDNT however, jump in the fountain like we were supposed to. he said next time. he will be back next week or something of the sort.

that is all. and yes, la, cassie is a terrible singer.

Eh, i'll get to it.

had two days off. today i cleaned my room.

basically my room is the biggest in the house. its the basement, separated into two parts by a wall built by my mom's 'gentleman suitor.' i call him that because he's too old to be called a boyfriend. but i digress.

one part of my room is literally that. where i sleep. its generally clean, except that i'm a nester. there's stuff near my bed. so that was easy. i moved stuff and swept.

but the other part, the den, if you will, is a hot mess. i dont go in there much, since there's no tv in there anymore. and plus my neighbors are disgusting and they infested my yard with rats, so i cant use my private entrance that leads to that part of the room.

and so- hot mess. cobwebs everywhere. my skin was crawling. alot of dust. my problem is that i knew i had to do it but i kept saying, eh, i'll get to it. blah. its not that dirty... but it was.

i've got to stop being a procrastinator. otherwise, i will end up with spiders all over my house.

romance vs reality: loose change

finally a day off! now onto change.

change is important. change is good. " i never seen change without a fire." -nelly furtado.

but what is the fascination with changing our mates?

my mom-in-law told me a story about a woman she knows. she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of her apartment, but landed on the grass and survived. when they got her to the hospital they found bruises all over her. she didnt want to tell anyone her boyfriend had been beating her for 9 YEARS.

my theory is that she'd been hoping he'd change. she was too scared to leave so she let him keep doing what he wanted in the hopes that one day he'd tire of it. sometimes its cheating, or lying, or just plain being an idiot. but you keep hoping it'll be ok. eventually... and besides, he loves you!

uh no. that's a fantasy. in reality he's a prick and youre wasting your time. he's not the person you want or need and hoping and wishing that he will be is as fruitful as a rain dance. actually, it'll rain eventually. he'll still be a prick.

then there's the polar opposite. the woman who forces change. you got a nice guy, cute, smart... but something's missing. you know what he offer to be a complete man. and you WILL give it to him. whether he wants it or not. he'll thank you! he loves you!

there was an episode of a british comedy called 'coupling,' in which one of the characters has a new boyfriend. when her friends asked when they could meet him she says, 'when he's finished.' she ended up chasing him away with her nitpicking and attempts to make him 'better.'

deal breakers. what is or isnt. we have to know the difference. change is important, but so is letting things go and be what they are. we all have an image of what love should be but we cant force that into the real world. when we get that, we get the love we deserve.

internally fat.

alton brown is eating a pig's foot. i almost hate him, but he hated it.

i love 'good eats'. i love the food network in general. but especially this show. every night at two i watch alton tell me how to better cook my food. btw, i havent cooked anything other than the ramen noodles i just polished off in a very long time. but i watch him cook because its unbelievably intriguing.

when i was 11 i met a man. his name was steven. he was so smart. and he kept my interest. he made me laugh, and made me smart too. he was a dork but the kind that makes you wanna be just like him. whenever i got bad grades he'd look at me in a way that let me know we both knew i could do better.

this man, steven, is the reason i'm good at math. also, the reason i ended up with such a smart man myself. also, my best friend's stepdad. we call him dad.

alton reminds me of him. he's a smart man who takes the most simple of subjects, melons, for instance, and makes you sit there for a half hour and listen to him talk about why cantelopes are really musk melons in america because you can only find cantelopes in europe.

now i'm watching his new show, feasting on asphalt. he was in savannah- he's from toccoa and tapes mostly in ga- eating a pickled pig's foot as a cultural experiment. he interviews owners of restaurants about their love of food and its effect on their lives and the people around them. great show. must watch.

btw, i'm internally fat because i'm small but i love food. most people think i dont eat. but man- i am a slave to my appetite. i believe in good eats.