my dad left me. literally. He went back to connecticut and no one knew but my aunt, who wanted him to go pick up my cousin after the hurricane. Imagine her suprise, when calling my granddaddy and my dad picks up the phone. He didnt even say goodbye. he did however, come back two or so weeks later and get all his crap. he left me his tv, and i wasnt home when he dropped it off. in all, i havent seen my dad since august 11, 2005. three months.
now, i am an adult. I'm a woman with alot going for me. But even now my father just up and leaving hurts like nobody's business. I never needed him for much after a certain age, but somehow knowing he's no longer a few miles away makes the little girl in me fall apart.
oddly enough, he was never REALLY there. As a child i have very few memories of spending time with just my dad. I spent plenty of time with his family, as my granddaddy had a big house which his kids could never seem to leave (my dad lives there now). My aunt lived downstairs with her myriad of children, so having me there was no big deal. But dad was in and out. He'd see me and give me a few dollars, and tell me he loved me.
When my mom decided to move us to atlanta ten years ago, he decided to move too, saying he had already lived away from one of his kids (my middle brother who lives in NC; more on that saga another day) and didnt want to be away from the other two. He even moved before us and got a job.
but the only thing that changed was location. Until recently, my dad would be in jail at least once a year, for months at a time, for various charges. He lived all over the south side and had tons of jobs, the best of which my ex called the hot pocket factory, from which he would bring us food. tons of food. he got hit by a fork lift on that job, and after they knew they were liable, they didnt let him back. He only met lauren once.
But he wasnt all bad. He carried us with such pride. Especially me. i'm his only daughter. He'd say, "this is my little girl," in a way that would make me smile no matter what was going on in my mind. that pride is why i want to have a girl first. so kesi can see how that feels, and so she can be loved. living vicariously through my nonexistent daughter. what a life. people would say, "really, you look too young to have a teen!" He loved that. He once told me he was 17. I was 15 then.
So my daddy left me. The reasons are unknown. There's speculation he's jealous of my mom's boyfriend and feels like he's being replaced. But unfortunately for my heart, no one can ever replace him. Kesi says i should tell him how much he hurt me, but i dont know if thats possible. Could you imagine how long that letter would be? And how would we reverse it? This is decades of confusion and wanting someone. What would i do when they actually came to me? Irony is being farthest away from him to show me how close i want to be.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
j+x+y... solve for y
My friend, who i will refer to as "X," told me his girlfriend, "Y," thinks i could be secretly in love with him. X and my's response to this is,"ew, no". Anyone who knows me knows i love my boyfriend more than anything. But she doesnt know me. And maybe thats the problem.
2002 was my year. That's what i called it. The year of the joy. I had just gotten out of a relationship where i had sacrificed alot, so i decided everything i did, and who with, from then on was whatever i wanted. This included my X.
It wasnt as if i sought him out, Not at all. It was one of those instances where people try to explain and say stupid shit like, 'it just happened!' You wonder how things just happen until they just happen to you. thank god i didnt end up on maury sounding like a fool. After this particular experience we pretty much decided not to speak of it again, which i adhered to despite my better judgement. It wasnt such a big deal to me and i would have liked to have told the man i had started to fall in love with, but X asked me not to so i held on to it until i felt there was no reason to anymore.
Now, years later, X is with Y, whom he undoubtedly told right away. X and i mainly keep in touch through the phone, and as we dont have many new memories we laugh about the old ones. This lead his new girl to think i harbor feelings for him. I can honestly say that random night is not something i reminisce about. Especially not to him. Or anyone. And when people mention it i get this oh-boy-here-we-go mentality about whatever comes next. especially when my own boyfriend tells me he can understand where she's coming from.
Lately his revelations have been awfully thought provoking. He's definitely putting a light under these changes i am trying to make. He said no one but i can ever know how i feel about X, and only i can know if these things i say about not having feelings for him past friendship are true. Who's to say i am not suppressing something because i am in a relationship? i say. but there's no way i can prove to her that i want the two of them to succeed without being her friend, he reasons to me.
but wouldnt that seem shady? Becoming friends with her just to prove a point? I dont have many girl friends, and dont really initiate friendships cuz i dont know how. But i dont wanna break them up. i would hate to be some type of pre-emptive home wrecker or something. And she IS a cool girl. I hope i can like her past 'my homie's girl' and on to 'my friend.' and making female friends would be good for me. i am a little abrasive and dealing with someone who is more sensitive than i would calm me down. i want to fix any problems people think i may have caused.
god. Now i'm worried about two relationships? my head hurts.
2002 was my year. That's what i called it. The year of the joy. I had just gotten out of a relationship where i had sacrificed alot, so i decided everything i did, and who with, from then on was whatever i wanted. This included my X.
It wasnt as if i sought him out, Not at all. It was one of those instances where people try to explain and say stupid shit like, 'it just happened!' You wonder how things just happen until they just happen to you. thank god i didnt end up on maury sounding like a fool. After this particular experience we pretty much decided not to speak of it again, which i adhered to despite my better judgement. It wasnt such a big deal to me and i would have liked to have told the man i had started to fall in love with, but X asked me not to so i held on to it until i felt there was no reason to anymore.
Now, years later, X is with Y, whom he undoubtedly told right away. X and i mainly keep in touch through the phone, and as we dont have many new memories we laugh about the old ones. This lead his new girl to think i harbor feelings for him. I can honestly say that random night is not something i reminisce about. Especially not to him. Or anyone. And when people mention it i get this oh-boy-here-we-go mentality about whatever comes next. especially when my own boyfriend tells me he can understand where she's coming from.
Lately his revelations have been awfully thought provoking. He's definitely putting a light under these changes i am trying to make. He said no one but i can ever know how i feel about X, and only i can know if these things i say about not having feelings for him past friendship are true. Who's to say i am not suppressing something because i am in a relationship? i say. but there's no way i can prove to her that i want the two of them to succeed without being her friend, he reasons to me.
but wouldnt that seem shady? Becoming friends with her just to prove a point? I dont have many girl friends, and dont really initiate friendships cuz i dont know how. But i dont wanna break them up. i would hate to be some type of pre-emptive home wrecker or something. And she IS a cool girl. I hope i can like her past 'my homie's girl' and on to 'my friend.' and making female friends would be good for me. i am a little abrasive and dealing with someone who is more sensitive than i would calm me down. i want to fix any problems people think i may have caused.
god. Now i'm worried about two relationships? my head hurts.
Friday, November 11, 2005
i hate sales people...
well. i do. and i dont mean the people who stand in the store and help you get a shirt or a cup of coffee. you walked in there and knew that you wanted to buy things. they are helping. there is no pressure.
the sales people i hate are the ones that come to you. they used to have vacuums and silverware and come to your door with a cheap suit and ask about the lady of the house (who coincidentally, in those days didnt have money of their own; they were just the ones who could convince their husbands to buy this vacuum you were seduced into loving).
these days they strike up conversation with you in public, on a bus or train, or in my case, trap you at work and tell you about their product while you are stuck smiling at them. you cant say, "not interested!!!" as you would on the street because you are forced by your paycheck to be nice to them. i have experienced this many times when people came to the hotel i work at to have conventions. they sell candles, information, clothes, energy drinks, and the worst of them all... fucking noni juice.
now, i am a healthy person. i just recently decided i would not have doritos, my favorite snack, for the rest of the year. instead i purchased a pommegranate and some pistachios. i love fruit so much kesi calls me a fruit bat. i dont eat pork... for a person who doesnt exercise formally i am very active. i walk every day and have sex regularly. no real problems except my anemia, and even that is getting better. i say this to say, what do i need a miracle juice for?
it costs $45!!! are you kidding? i am not so lazy that i cant eat healthily and do some sit ups, but will instead spend my hard earned money on a bottle of bad tasting mystery juice that i dont even get to try first, because someone said it'll cure me of things i dont even, and may not ever, have.
"but what if your doctor said you had, like, cancer and the doctor said you needed to do something?" one sassy sales woman decided to confront me with. clearly she wasnt the best sales person. what kind of question structure is that?
"well seeing as how i cant afford to get sick right now, i guess i'd die." she left after that.
another thing about these sales people, is that they are not so interested in selling products. they would much rather manage people who do. they get those people to "invest" money and buy products to sell. but then those people can do the same thing: find someone to sell, and buy products and supplies from them. pyramid scheme, anyone? no thanks. i have a REAL job.
they are also very motivated by money. they will argue you DOWN about why this should be the thing for you, with, "dont you wanna make some extra money? who doesnt wanna make money? this money will stop the terrorists!!!" as their main point. well i concider myself to not be at all motivated by money, so that's not at all apealing to me. if i really cared about money, i would have went to college three years ago, when everyone else did, and get a degree in, like marketing or some crap that i didnt love. i love radio. music. people. thats what i wanna do, and i would do it for free if i didnt have bills. and if i could one day send my kids to college with the family's good looks as colateral. but i digress. i love that. obviously, sales people love...money.
i'm gonna go all fight club on them. start my own little army that fights against these people with no personality and no friends to spend all thier precious cash on. they are the all singing, all dancing, scum of the earth. god i love that movie...
so in conclusion, sales people suck. they atribute nothing to the world. except something for me to aspire never to be. and they're rude and self centered, in general. so boo to them.
the sales people i hate are the ones that come to you. they used to have vacuums and silverware and come to your door with a cheap suit and ask about the lady of the house (who coincidentally, in those days didnt have money of their own; they were just the ones who could convince their husbands to buy this vacuum you were seduced into loving).
these days they strike up conversation with you in public, on a bus or train, or in my case, trap you at work and tell you about their product while you are stuck smiling at them. you cant say, "not interested!!!" as you would on the street because you are forced by your paycheck to be nice to them. i have experienced this many times when people came to the hotel i work at to have conventions. they sell candles, information, clothes, energy drinks, and the worst of them all... fucking noni juice.
now, i am a healthy person. i just recently decided i would not have doritos, my favorite snack, for the rest of the year. instead i purchased a pommegranate and some pistachios. i love fruit so much kesi calls me a fruit bat. i dont eat pork... for a person who doesnt exercise formally i am very active. i walk every day and have sex regularly. no real problems except my anemia, and even that is getting better. i say this to say, what do i need a miracle juice for?
it costs $45!!! are you kidding? i am not so lazy that i cant eat healthily and do some sit ups, but will instead spend my hard earned money on a bottle of bad tasting mystery juice that i dont even get to try first, because someone said it'll cure me of things i dont even, and may not ever, have.
"but what if your doctor said you had, like, cancer and the doctor said you needed to do something?" one sassy sales woman decided to confront me with. clearly she wasnt the best sales person. what kind of question structure is that?
"well seeing as how i cant afford to get sick right now, i guess i'd die." she left after that.
another thing about these sales people, is that they are not so interested in selling products. they would much rather manage people who do. they get those people to "invest" money and buy products to sell. but then those people can do the same thing: find someone to sell, and buy products and supplies from them. pyramid scheme, anyone? no thanks. i have a REAL job.
they are also very motivated by money. they will argue you DOWN about why this should be the thing for you, with, "dont you wanna make some extra money? who doesnt wanna make money? this money will stop the terrorists!!!" as their main point. well i concider myself to not be at all motivated by money, so that's not at all apealing to me. if i really cared about money, i would have went to college three years ago, when everyone else did, and get a degree in, like marketing or some crap that i didnt love. i love radio. music. people. thats what i wanna do, and i would do it for free if i didnt have bills. and if i could one day send my kids to college with the family's good looks as colateral. but i digress. i love that. obviously, sales people love...money.
i'm gonna go all fight club on them. start my own little army that fights against these people with no personality and no friends to spend all thier precious cash on. they are the all singing, all dancing, scum of the earth. god i love that movie...
so in conclusion, sales people suck. they atribute nothing to the world. except something for me to aspire never to be. and they're rude and self centered, in general. so boo to them.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
trying...hard
whatever i gave wasnt all i could give you
i still have a lot more left
i held on to it though it regenerates
as if it encased my last breath
time is supposed to be healing
but somehow it made me a miser
for all this womanly contemplation
i question if i am the wiser
i dont like to do these things i'm not good at
fake a move but i'm staying right here
i do a good job of pretending
diverting you from my worst fear
whatever you saw there was more of
hidden in shadows and night
believing what showed through this pretense
would cause your affection to blight
this is not all to say i dont love you
or to state that this romance is dying
but whatever i got i'm giving out
so take it and trust that i'm trying
as the title of my blog suggests, i am indeed on the quest for self improvement. and as the title of the poem suggests, i am trying. hard. those that know me best know that deep down, i am REALLY shallow. i try to make a joke of it, but at one point in my life i had such low self esteem that my only defense was to pick people apart in my mind until they were below me. i did this in order to function, really. to get on stage and act, to go to school with people who teased me and not cry when they did so...at some point it became commonplace, and if you could transcend that you were my friend. i could take all these things i picked apart i could put back together in order to love you.
the only person who truly has had all of me, up until recently, was lauren. i admired her from day one due to her unstoppable confidence. only after knowing her for a LOOOOOONG time did i realize it was an act. and that didnt make me admire her any less. on the contrary, actually. those that i could not pick apart- i.e. lala- i would respect and aspire to. even as a person who wore this "having it together" mask. cause i have always worn my heart (and my emotions in general) right on my sleeve. if i like you, i love you. if i hate you....oh, you might as well die when i look at you. but i digress. she was- is- my best friend, for this reason. though for some reason i never bothered to master that trait i so enjoyed in her. i guess that goes back to the not liking to do things i'm not good at.
and now there is kesi. my doll. my heart. he has all of me now. they both do. which gets to be complicated when they are both around, which isnt often. i have been told i neglect people when he is around. oops. i mean, can you blame me? he's the man i want to marry!!!!! in my logic, i am not going to spend my life with anyone else but him. every one else will move in and out, come and go, and he will be there when i sleep at night. so excuse me if i leave my cousins at a bar because he needs to go home cuz he's tired. pardon me, aunt dee, for not walking two grown men the two blocks to my house from the bar. ooh...got a bit touchy there, huh?
what i was going to say was this. i realized that due to my shallowness and some abandonment issues i'll discuss at a later date, i had been treating him pretty bad. a little verbally abusive, i guess you could call it i didnt notice this, until he told me, cuz yes, i am that shallow. what are we talking about here, people!!! so once he did call this ass-holishness to my attention, i decided that i should make a change. i need to get on this whole "good person" thing i claim to be, before i move on to the next stages of my life. i need a good foundation. i want to be able to not be the hipocrite all parents are when i tell my kids who to be and who not to be. so i am trying. if you see me, or talk to me or anyhting else, tell me how i am doing. what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger.
i still have a lot more left
i held on to it though it regenerates
as if it encased my last breath
time is supposed to be healing
but somehow it made me a miser
for all this womanly contemplation
i question if i am the wiser
i dont like to do these things i'm not good at
fake a move but i'm staying right here
i do a good job of pretending
diverting you from my worst fear
whatever you saw there was more of
hidden in shadows and night
believing what showed through this pretense
would cause your affection to blight
this is not all to say i dont love you
or to state that this romance is dying
but whatever i got i'm giving out
so take it and trust that i'm trying
as the title of my blog suggests, i am indeed on the quest for self improvement. and as the title of the poem suggests, i am trying. hard. those that know me best know that deep down, i am REALLY shallow. i try to make a joke of it, but at one point in my life i had such low self esteem that my only defense was to pick people apart in my mind until they were below me. i did this in order to function, really. to get on stage and act, to go to school with people who teased me and not cry when they did so...at some point it became commonplace, and if you could transcend that you were my friend. i could take all these things i picked apart i could put back together in order to love you.
the only person who truly has had all of me, up until recently, was lauren. i admired her from day one due to her unstoppable confidence. only after knowing her for a LOOOOOONG time did i realize it was an act. and that didnt make me admire her any less. on the contrary, actually. those that i could not pick apart- i.e. lala- i would respect and aspire to. even as a person who wore this "having it together" mask. cause i have always worn my heart (and my emotions in general) right on my sleeve. if i like you, i love you. if i hate you....oh, you might as well die when i look at you. but i digress. she was- is- my best friend, for this reason. though for some reason i never bothered to master that trait i so enjoyed in her. i guess that goes back to the not liking to do things i'm not good at.
and now there is kesi. my doll. my heart. he has all of me now. they both do. which gets to be complicated when they are both around, which isnt often. i have been told i neglect people when he is around. oops. i mean, can you blame me? he's the man i want to marry!!!!! in my logic, i am not going to spend my life with anyone else but him. every one else will move in and out, come and go, and he will be there when i sleep at night. so excuse me if i leave my cousins at a bar because he needs to go home cuz he's tired. pardon me, aunt dee, for not walking two grown men the two blocks to my house from the bar. ooh...got a bit touchy there, huh?
what i was going to say was this. i realized that due to my shallowness and some abandonment issues i'll discuss at a later date, i had been treating him pretty bad. a little verbally abusive, i guess you could call it i didnt notice this, until he told me, cuz yes, i am that shallow. what are we talking about here, people!!! so once he did call this ass-holishness to my attention, i decided that i should make a change. i need to get on this whole "good person" thing i claim to be, before i move on to the next stages of my life. i need a good foundation. i want to be able to not be the hipocrite all parents are when i tell my kids who to be and who not to be. so i am trying. if you see me, or talk to me or anyhting else, tell me how i am doing. what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger.
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