*I'm too shaky to sell drugs. I'm too shaky to have drugs on my person. I remember the ONE time I carried a blunt (my 18th birthday) and I thought about it all day. I was sure that for some reason I'd be searched, even while at school and completely unprovoking. I can't believe I made it through the day, lol. Anyways, plus, I'm not a salesman. I hate to upsell at work. Mostly because I feel the stuff we upsell is not worth anything, lol. I wouldn't know how to be a pusher. What do I do, go door to door? I live in the suburbs. And I don't do drugs, not even a little, so I couldn't very well sell it in good conscience. Much like when I stopped making my mother salami sandwiches because I didn't eat pork and I didn't think it was right for her to either. (that for some reason reminds me of the time in middle school when Lauren made me fried spam. It was so good! No doubt because she made it, but I'd never had spam before or since, so...) so long story short, no pushing weight for the kid.
*I could not POSSIBLY be a stripper. First of all, I have a boyfriend. A serious one. I don't believe a woman with a boyfriend who suddenly wants to be a stripper, really wants to be. Its a cry for attention. Because she wants you to stop her or give her a reason to break up with you. And if she's that hard up for money, what are YOU doing sir? You need to figure out a way to make money so that your lady doesn't have to shake her ass, mk? But besides the fact that I have a man, I also am not that free with my body. Yes I did body art, but the operative word is art. Had not two very talented painters (their work is featured throughout the city) made me up to be a butterfly and an Asian dragon, I surely would not have done it. And no one was throwing money at me and paying $20 a hit to smack my ass (see: blue flame lounge, bankhead). And my appeal is more subtle than taking off my clothes. Especially in Atlanta where they get fully nude. I can't even tell you how inappropriate that is to me, lol. So no stripping.
*i couldn't rob a bank or other money holding establishment. For one thing, I don't like guns. And could you see me trying to rob a place with my pocket knife? Or better yet, kesi's replica sword from "the last samurai?" I can barely lift that thing! And my getaway vehicle isn't very conspicuous: a burgundy new Yorker with the back bumper missing. And a faulty transmission, ensuring a not so speedy getaway, lol. (yeah, riding in style bitches!) besides, I could never place trauma in a person's life. And I don't wanna go to jail. I'm pretty. And people already think I'm a lesbian sometimes... Plus who robs banks anymore?
*What else? Oh yes, the lotto. "you can't win if you don't play." that was the NY lotto slogan when I was little. And its true. And I don't play. I do scratch offs on and around my birthday, and cash 3 might be a good bet if I'm willing to give up snacking in order to buy a ticket every day. And if someone could explain that box/ straight box thing to me. Don't be using terminology when explaining things I don't have the slightest clue about! I'm not gonna tell you, "oh yeah this is a half-double post stitch," knowing good and well you can't even hold a crochet needle! Geez! Anyways, I have never won a lotto prize. I've never won at bingo. As a matter of fact, I've never won a game of chance. I don't consider winning this phone "chance," I chalk it up to my sparkling wit and charm.
*that reminds me, I still want to go on wheel of fortune. I'd kick that show's ass! But they haven't come to Atlanta and I can't be flying to LA for the chance, you know?
So yeah. Somebody needs to just GIVE me money. I need me a sponsor. Or if some kind soul wants to just pass me $5000, no questions asked (except what's your address, and who do I make this out to). Is there a grant I could sign up for? I got 10 uncles and none of them are rich! What are the odds? Come on! I should start writing to philanthropists. I need someone to believe in my promise. Sigh...
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5 comments:
I have 8 uncs and none of them are rich either. bah humbug i say. should you find that benefactor, send him this way as well.
my whole fam is worthless, lol
i'm trying to win the lottery... even though i don't play either...
Dear Oprah,
I know a blogger that could use some of your loot. She deserves b/c (fill in the blank). Thanks in advance.
Rashan Jamal
Jam- I sure will, lol.
La- except your daddy. He's lovely. Not rich, but quite lovely.
Stace- I see the flaw in our logic.
Rashan- you know she was the first one I thought of. She could spare it! So you go head and write that letter and maybe we'll both get a free trip to Chicago.
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