I feel like lindsay fucking lohan

my dad left me. literally. He went back to connecticut and no one knew but my aunt, who wanted him to go pick up my cousin after the hurricane. Imagine her suprise, when calling my granddaddy and my dad picks up the phone. He didnt even say goodbye. he did however, come back two or so weeks later and get all his crap. he left me his tv, and i wasnt home when he dropped it off. in all, i havent seen my dad since august 11, 2005. three months.

now, i am an adult. I'm a woman with alot going for me. But even now my father just up and leaving hurts like nobody's business. I never needed him for much after a certain age, but somehow knowing he's no longer a few miles away makes the little girl in me fall apart.

oddly enough, he was never REALLY there. As a child i have very few memories of spending time with just my dad. I spent plenty of time with his family, as my granddaddy had a big house which his kids could never seem to leave (my dad lives there now). My aunt lived downstairs with her myriad of children, so having me there was no big deal. But dad was in and out. He'd see me and give me a few dollars, and tell me he loved me.

When my mom decided to move us to atlanta ten years ago, he decided to move too, saying he had already lived away from one of his kids (my middle brother who lives in NC; more on that saga another day) and didnt want to be away from the other two. He even moved before us and got a job.

but the only thing that changed was location. Until recently, my dad would be in jail at least once a year, for months at a time, for various charges. He lived all over the south side and had tons of jobs, the best of which my ex called the hot pocket factory, from which he would bring us food. tons of food. he got hit by a fork lift on that job, and after they knew they were liable, they didnt let him back. He only met lauren once.

But he wasnt all bad. He carried us with such pride. Especially me. i'm his only daughter. He'd say, "this is my little girl," in a way that would make me smile no matter what was going on in my mind. that pride is why i want to have a girl first. so kesi can see how that feels, and so she can be loved. living vicariously through my nonexistent daughter. what a life. people would say, "really, you look too young to have a teen!" He loved that. He once told me he was 17. I was 15 then.

So my daddy left me. The reasons are unknown. There's speculation he's jealous of my mom's boyfriend and feels like he's being replaced. But unfortunately for my heart, no one can ever replace him. Kesi says i should tell him how much he hurt me, but i dont know if thats possible. Could you imagine how long that letter would be? And how would we reverse it? This is decades of confusion and wanting someone. What would i do when they actually came to me? Irony is being farthest away from him to show me how close i want to be.