WARNING: the following post is pretty deep.

sometimes i imagine revenge. not of the torturous sort, but i want to be such a great person that he realizes what a crazy ass he was. and what he lost. self torture i guess.

i remember what he looked like last time i saw him. above all else, he was bald. (must admit, that made it easier for me.) didnt even look like the boy i once knew. so molded to what he thought was cool at this point in time. used to be me. my friends. now he was a gangster.

i'd known him for years. since i'd known lauren. we were friends and then one day he sent me a note saying he liked me. we started dating and literally one week later he told me he was in love with me. i told him i was too. (was i? doubt it. and maybe i shouldnt have said it back. but i know i had love for him and i didnt want to hurt him) so here we are, young and in love. and i didnt know then, neither of us did, that you cant really be in love and be depressed. because you dont love yourself and you cant love someone without loving yourself.

but we tried. we ended up being that person in your own head who agrees and says, youre never wrong- the world is wrong. when i'd be pissed at this or that thing he'd say, forget that. i'm here. i would assume, naively, that everything would be ok as long as we were together. we had no real future plans. he was gonna join the army and i'd be there too, as support i guess.

and yes, i got pregnant. i think about it on occasion and acknowledge that its bittersweet that we lost that child. i am relieved i'm not stuck dealing with him for the rest of my life. not the first in the line of women who bore his children. (he has 3 now.) though it was my dream at the time. and we were gonna run away because of course our parents would not approve and they'd try to run our lives and taint our unborn. his words not mine. fuck, i could have really ruined my life. do you know that most spousal abuse starts with isolation from the support system?

we stayed together for two years. i guess. we werent to together after he moved away. his family moved a long drive away and i barely saw him. but we talked every day. even when he got a job. then he did something i wouldnt expect. he stopped talking to me. maybe i should have seen it coming. he was a jealous guy and had recently found out i was once involved with someone he absolutely hated. i dont think he'd ever gotten over it. it would give him nightmares. i finally caught up with him and he told me we both knew it wasnt gonna work out. i was devastated. i was still convinced that we were gonna be together forever. (i never say that kesi and i will be together forever. it makes our relationship more fantasy than reality. clearly i was all fairytale back then.) i was also convinced we'd get back together. and we did.

life was good again. until one day he called me to say he was leaving. he'd shot someone. and "some people" were looking for him. he'd call soon. but we were still together. figuratively. we hadnt been in sync for at least 6 months. he had no idea of my daily life, my changes and growth. i had no idea he had been in jail, and fathering his first child. or even that he was back here in ga. didnt he think i'd care? some days i wondered if he was even alive.

but when i found out... it was like a switch flipped. i cried once. let it out. then i decided 2002 was gonna be the year i made myself happy. i was a new person no one got to see me mope around over him anymore. i took the whole thing as a lesson learned. and i knew that no matter what came i wouldnt be controled. it would all be my decision. i was once invited to go with a friend to see his second child. i was ok with the idea and knew i could be happy for him if his life was what he wanted it to be. i was subsequently uninvited by his wife, a former friend, who said she couldnt get over what i did to him. it made me wonder what he put into her head. if some of the things he led her to were the same things he led me to. if he was happy in his life and love as i was.

i look back at these events, sans emotion, and think of how that was really me. how i've changed. i cant regret it because it made me who i am and helped me appreciate real love when it finally came to me.

either way, i hope he's sorry. i hope one day he can tell me so. i think of torture because that's what i felt sometimes. like i could never be without him. i'm glad i learned i can.