now all i need is a loan cosigner...

so it all started with me crying, as most things do that are of emotional importance... i was tired. just so tired. at the moment i was tired of sitting in the kitchen by myself while the boy ws making music in the back. so i told him to take me home. now. about a half hour later i was heading home, but not until we had a disagreement over when hs said we'd leave. we drove in silence.

he texted me later and i started crying. i tried to explain to him that we never do anything (not really true) and that i was tired of just sitting around. but once i typed those words i realized it was a bigger thing. i was stagnant. i havent been in school in months and i'm behind where i wanted to be in my life. i always said i'd have a plan but let it be flexible, but its tough to just let life lead you. and i was becoming restless. my "friend" said to me over IM, and i could hear the bragging in her voice, "i only been with my guy for a year and we're already engaged." ok, well i been with kesi for almost 5 years (FIVE!!!) and we're not. you think it doesnt kill me that i cant snap my fingers and have a job and a house and a car and a husband and be able to afford all of it and just sit down and be? just be. it does. i have so much i want to do and make of myself and i am standing still. or moving slowly, and i am one that likes to move fast. i have NO patience.

a few days later i get a voicemail from my cousin lysey. "call me back, its important!" ok me and her grew up together. when she told me she was pregnant, i almost said, "i'm gonna be and aunt!" thats how close we are. but we havent talked in months. so i called her back. she was asking me about schools and things and considering moving back to the A. she had decided, like i did last year, that she would follow her dreams but get an education at the same time. so she wants a fresh start. and alot of the things she was saying sounded alot like what i said a few days before. stagnant. time to light a fire under this ass. she's gonna take herself and her son and come down here to do what she loves. because she's not happy and she knows what would make her happy.

sometimes its just a matter of fighting whatever fear and doubt there is. i would rather not go through life knowing that a questiona mark kept me from being what i wanna be. if i fail, ok i tried. but i dont plan on failing. i plan to keep trying. and i know its gonna be tough and that i will more than likely cry again over my lack of patience, but shit, whats a couple of tears now compared to the rest of my life?