(I wrote this about a month ago, in a moment of quietness that we all experience. I'm having another one of those moments today.)

"Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets it and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why"
Nelly furtado, "all good things come to an end"

Someone once told me that they didn't want me to take their picture. "it steals your soul." every picture I have of him is partially obstructed. Hand, jacket, random object... And half his face.

I love to take pictures. I've mentioned before that I have this fear of losing my memories. Losing a person, place, event. I try so hard to fill myself with knowledge and experiences, and maybe part of me thinks the old thoughts will be overwritten.

I've done this to myself purposely: taken out diary entries, thrown away poems, ripped up pictures, so as to eliminate the memory of a certain person or way of thinking from my brain. If I haven't documented it, it doesn't exist. I regret that. I'm not a regretful person.

I am, an amateur photographer. I have had a camera since I was 15. Got it on the last Christmas I got gifts. I don't know how I afforded developing my pictures. I remember I stole film from the cvs. When I couldn't afford to buy it. I love to take pictures. My favorite teacher once told me after a camping trip that I took shots that weren't worth much. But they were my view from this particular moment and an accurate depiction of my memories. When I look at them 5 years later, I am in the swamps. And I don't think of the fact that they are now burning up. Until I watch CNN again.

Where am I going with this? Actually, I do have a point. Somewhere, I swear there's a picture of my friend that recently passed away, Aina, and our mutual friend, Nicole. I wanted to find it. I categorize my photo albums, so I knew to look in the one that included prom, the swamp trip, and other senior year fun. I didn't find it. Does it exist? It does in my mind. I did find other pictures of her. One of her and another friend hugging and looking silly. And one of her in class staring into space. And another of her and her godson when he was just a baby.

And I felt this heaviness, because as long as its been since I took those pictures, I felt like I was right back there that day, hanging out after school when we all were supposed to be doing something else, and fawning over the baby. It was cold outside. Aina had left something in a class room, we went with her, and suddenly I was taking pictures. It came back to me, rushed over my heart and mind and gave me the sudden sensation like I had just recognized a good smell. I smiled and got a little teary.

Is this what happens every time? Every time I'm gonna say, "oh yeah, I remember"? Will I be refreshed? Is it just this one time? Is it because she's not here anymore? And now I want to scream. Is it better just to not remember? Cuz this hurts.

I have at least 4 pictures of her. And maybe my friend was right. Pictures do take your soul. Not all of it, possibly just a piece. And you are sharing who you were at that time.

I love taking pictures. I love to be in them too. I can share my soul with whomever. Its pretty big...
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile