I'm sure by now you've heard about the bus crash. The victims' families and some volunteers were staying at our hotel. It was a mad scramble of "higher-ups" escorting and catering to them, and for once I didn't feel like it was all for show and sucking up.
A guy I knew came by the door to the shop carrying a trolley of items. On his way he stopped. He dropped a shoe- a cleat. My first thought was, "that cleat belongs to a dead kid." but he picked it up, settled it somewhere it wouldn't fall again, and kept going.
That one cleat fucked up my day. Every time I had a moment to think, I thought. 4 guys my age died. Doing something they loved. And I love it too. I remember the last time I played. I was sick from my teeth being pulled and it was the first time I'd felt good in days. I thought about my mom, and how much it'd hurt her to have lost one of us. I thought about my grandma, who lost 3 kids. I imagine myself not being able to survive in that situation. Numb.
In the cafeteria, CNN was on. Talk of course of Anna Nicole and her mom's appeal to keep her daughter in the states so she can "talk to her." I wonder who came up with this? I told Lauren a few weeks ago, and I say it now for posterity, that I do not want to be present for my funeral. I don't anyone to see me dead. I've been to a few funerals, and I was younger, and if given the same option to see my grandma lula's body, I think i would have said no. I have memories of her as a living woman. Her tea, her grits, her leg. Her accent, her crocheting while watching TV. That's how I want to be remembered. Abstract things, not whether or not I looked peaceful.
And as for where I'm buried, I suppose it matters, but not to me. A person can still remember me without having seen my tombstone- I hope. I guess we all need something tangible. But these are my wishes, much like Anna's were to be next to her son.
I hope I don't seem insensitive or morbid. I just don't believe that death is something to avoid. At least not my own. I'd like everyone I love to live forever, because like I said, I don't think I could take it.
Listening to:
Incubus- make yourself
30 seconds to mars- "a beautiful lie"
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6 comments:
i'm very death normal too. i don't care even if i'm buried or cremated. whichever's cheaper. that bus crash is sad as all hell. there are some stories i get really caught up in and can't forget. we are all like that (journalists). a lot we let go when we finish but some things stick to you.
i do want a funeral/memorial svc and want everyone to come lookin fly. no plaid. you will be turned around at the door. i will have a bouncer. it shant be long tho b/c i hate listening to long speeches. get me in the ground or urn already and party. i mean really. life goes on.
Just make sure nobody wears black or gray or brown or navy or any of those depressing colors. Only bright ones. And no flower bringing and hymn singing. Everyone has to tell a funny or touching story. You can tell the one about me thinking it was a good idea to kick my gym bag into my locker and falling and getting caught by Brian Hill w/my skirt up around my waist. Make John tell the one about our first kiss. It was the best. Oooh! And there MUST be fried chicken and macaroni and cheese.
And basketball or football depending on the time.
That's all.
Jamiel, Who does plaid anymore? Ick. I know, this whole era of crazy death is going on eight now in Atlanta.
A man at my job died in a fire. Damn. Most of the time I watch the news and its like, stupid people doing stupid things. But once in a while something gets to me.
Duly noted Lauren. I think I need to write that down. Although I don't remember the Brian hill story. I do remember the one where you pushed me off the chair in dad's class cuz I wouldn't tell you the nice comment I wrote about you.
The whole going in the ground thing is so overrated. My grandmother was cremated and they scattered her ashes around NYC per her request. Now whenever I go into Manhattan and pass Pearl St. (one of the places the sprinkled her) it's kind of a nice feeling.
Did I do that? Lol
It doesn't matter. You have millions.
I think I'd like the idea of having my ashes scattered somewhere. In the ocean. I love the water. And I always wanted to travel. So add that.
Wow that's cool shani. Kind of goes with that memory thing I was talking about. But I couldn't be cremated. Something in me wants my body to be in one piece. But I will be an organ donor.
You SO did that Lauren. But I forgive you. I called dad the other day to ask him about that too.
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