Half truths

I don't remember the first time I thought it, but I remember the first time I said it. We were at Reka's fam's house for thanksgiving and talking about baby names. Some how the convo turned to relationships in general, and I said it.

"I'm the best girlfriend any of my exes has ever had."

I believed it then. And until recently I still believed it. Here's why I did:

I call myself the cheerleader. I am 100% behind any guy I date. As long as he's behind me. And if he's not, then why are we together? I believe in the man I'm with. Also, after me, its all downhill for dude. I keep em in line. I've had boyfriends who are now crazy, ex cons, baby daddies, addicts, etc. Never a hint of it when we were together. And onward, I'm shallow. Of course I think I'm the shit! And they did too.

Here's why my view has changed:

I received a MySpace message from a man named Brian. Brian and I dated for 3 months when I was 14 and then broke up. He was asking if I still remembered him and how I was doing, yadda yadda. How nice. I showed the picture to kesi and he said he didn't remember dude- we often share MySpace peeps from our old school. Later, I receive another message from dude with all kinds of talk of high school sweetheart this and that, complete with a link to Brian mcknight's "anytime." wtf? Mind you, I dated dude 10 years ago and have since almost had a baby and am now with my TRUE high school sweetheart.

Ok, so this gives me a laugh. But then I think of my quote, and now I'm thinking of how I treated Brian. I really only started dating him to make another guy jealous. I knew he liked me and that his feelings for me were a lot bigger than mine for him. I accidentally told him I loved him one time- I said it like, "I love this guy, he's funny"- and I didn't know how to take it back, and he'd say it every chance he'd get. I broke up with him over Christmas break; didn't even buy him a present! After he said to my friend that sex before marriage was wrong I knew we were doomed. I was a virgin, and I didn't wanna do it with him, but still. (Lauren said I'm mean cuz I broke up with a dude for not putting out.) He would write me letters asking to get back with me every time I broke up with someone. EVERY TIME!

I was not the best girlfriend he ever had. I wasn't even a good one. But for some reason he thinks I was. Does that make it partially true? I never wrote him back- what could I say? In my mind I was thinking, man you got two kids (he's not married btw) and we haven't seen each other in years. What makes you think you're crossing my mind? But that's mean, no? And haven't I been mean enough to him?

So an addendum: I am the best girlfriend my boyfriend has ever had.

That will never be a lie.
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