So here i am in ct. Where i was born and raised. And much like that day, i am cold and broke. But that's beside the point, because i have family.
After getting secondhand info on my grandma, and causing myself stress by obsessing over calling (or not calling)
her to see how she is, i finally got to see her today. Its really all i needed.
I was nine when my grandma had her first heart attack. We were in her room, watching animaniacs, and she called desperately for my mom. After that, it was a blur. I remember each moment up to that point when my
mother made my brother and me leave the room. staring at her not knowing what to do...having this event take place that seemed so much like the stuff on tv, only no one knew CPR or shit like that. my brother, 5 years old, kind of scared but not sure why...
After that: sleeping in my grandma's bed while she was in the hospital. i was so scared she would die, and i had to hold on to the smell of her sheets and pretend that she was holding me.
And then, the fact that she came back. Like, 'fuck a heart attack; i'm anna.' this is the woman who had 14 kids, three of whom died. she broke both her legs falling down stairs doing laundry. she was excommunicated for getting a divorce, and lost my grandpa to a gunshot after he defended a woman's honor at a bar. she got a letter from hillary clinton a few months after the heart attack asking if she was ok. all true.
a few years ago, she even told my mom she'd be here forever.
i was 21 when she had her second heart attack. Since then, its been an uphill thing for anna. Leg issues, blood clots, walkers, nurses, temporary stays at homes... And suddenly the image of resiliency that i called 'meema' was gone. I realize that one day, she is going to die. And just cuz i realized it, doesnt mean i'm ok with it.
So i thought about her every day and said things like, 'i need to call her'. But i wouldnt. I would get the info from my mom and hope. But i didnt want to hear her voice if it wasnt HER. Cuz that was all i had,
her voice.
So today i saw her. And she was thinner than last year. And she was wearing gloves cuz her hands are always cold now. And she went to the doctors today. But he says she's better. The last two times she visited him
he admitted her, so just her coming back from there was a big step. I'm so glad. All i really need was full submergence into grandma-ness to be ok. To see her, no matter what she looks like, and to hear her voice,
no matter what it sounds like. And, yes, to watch tv with her like we did when i was nine.
My grandma is still here, but one day she wont be. But i'll still love her either way. And i dont have to be ok with the fact that she's gone- when that happens. Its normal. But i'll love her while she's here. And to paraphrase her: i've got all this, and i'm the richest woman in the world.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Nothing But a Burnt Shell
the next few blog entries were written about two weeks ago, when i was in connecticut visiting family. this is the first time i've really been on a computer since then...enjoy.
Its gone, and i'm happy to see it go.
My cousin lives around the corner from where i used to live about fifteen years ago. its pretty close to the edge of town, its as bad as it seems. Its the part of town that gives Bridgeport a bad name. Especially my street. We went for a ride today, so he could run errands. This ride took us past mckinley elementary, the school my mom refused to send my brother to, amen.
"your kids go there?" imagine i said 'there' as if i was about to throw up.
"hell no. My kids go to longfellow (a muuuuuch better school)."
Sigh of relief...As we passed the school we approached other childhood landmarks, i pointed them out."and this is- was- my old babysitter's house, and where i was attacked by the dog, and this is..."
and then i saw it. The burnt remains of my former home.The third story was gone and the first two were just a black frame. All i could say was, "wow". My cousin gave a, "damn" of agreement.
For the lack of words i could say, my mind was racing. This was where i lived when my grandma Lula died. Where i got that self-inflicted scar on my arm that everyone thinks is from drug use. Where i saw the girl, with the baby in her arms, get shot-on my front porch. Did i mention the dog attack? There's so much more that i dare not mention on this blog.
All these things raced through my mind. No happy thoughts to mourn, just experiences i'm glad to see go. i had some of the most traumatic moments of my short life in that house. Six "families" could live in that house- six balls of negative energy confined to such a small space.
I wish i could have been there to see it burn. I would have roasted marshmallows probably. Done a dance. Cried. I could have watched all the bad float into the sky, into the dark, released from me.
Its gone, and i'm happy to see it go.
My cousin lives around the corner from where i used to live about fifteen years ago. its pretty close to the edge of town, its as bad as it seems. Its the part of town that gives Bridgeport a bad name. Especially my street. We went for a ride today, so he could run errands. This ride took us past mckinley elementary, the school my mom refused to send my brother to, amen.
"your kids go there?" imagine i said 'there' as if i was about to throw up.
"hell no. My kids go to longfellow (a muuuuuch better school)."
Sigh of relief...As we passed the school we approached other childhood landmarks, i pointed them out."and this is- was- my old babysitter's house, and where i was attacked by the dog, and this is..."
and then i saw it. The burnt remains of my former home.The third story was gone and the first two were just a black frame. All i could say was, "wow". My cousin gave a, "damn" of agreement.
For the lack of words i could say, my mind was racing. This was where i lived when my grandma Lula died. Where i got that self-inflicted scar on my arm that everyone thinks is from drug use. Where i saw the girl, with the baby in her arms, get shot-on my front porch. Did i mention the dog attack? There's so much more that i dare not mention on this blog.
All these things raced through my mind. No happy thoughts to mourn, just experiences i'm glad to see go. i had some of the most traumatic moments of my short life in that house. Six "families" could live in that house- six balls of negative energy confined to such a small space.
I wish i could have been there to see it burn. I would have roasted marshmallows probably. Done a dance. Cried. I could have watched all the bad float into the sky, into the dark, released from me.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
ok. lets speak of ladylike behavior.
not the kind of ladylike behavior such as not spitting(do) and crossing your legs(dont do much), but the kind that affects the way males who we have been with percieve us. example:
Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.
this is from overheardinnewyork.com. key word, OVERHEARD!!!
i only mention this because i accidentally made myself look like a complete skank the other night. my manager and i were having quite the conversation about sex and sexuality, and that spilled out onto our walk to the safe downstairs (i work in a hotel, all the money goes into a commonly accesible room). we and two other co workers were sharing stories about "our first time" and i mentioned that kesi's and my first included a very unromantic song. on repeat. so someone asks, "was he your first?" and i say, "nooooooooooo," in that way that implies that he wasnt even close to the first, which isnt the case.
so then i had to awkwardly announce that, no i am not a slut, (after not ten minutes before getting molested by another coworker's butt, and telling how kesi likes one of my friends' breasts) and that i REALLY made it seem like i was. then i said all my exes leave atlanta after we break up.
now that i have the weekend off, taking 48 hours of my time to explain all these intimate facts i bandied about the hotel commons, i realize how these things can be misconstrued. should i care? is it affecting much?
i dont know. but i know that if they are anything like me, they will have heard what i said and formulate wild generalizations about me and my private life. for instance, i can pretty much conclude that girl one is a bit of a drinker and has given many men "a piece of her mind," if you know what i mean. so lets just hope they are not like me.
i have an expression that i always say when people say, "did you hear so-and-so did this or that?" and it goes:
"i'm not fuckin them. why should i care?"
that, to me, is ladylike. we're too concerned. then again, we are telling our best friends about random BJs and throwing elaborate quince's-complete with a bellydance routine-in order to make our exes jealous. we have to be more tactful ladies!!!! stop letting the men know our plans! its all about subtlety.
so alas, people i have 24 more hours to mull this over and hope that the night where i was less than subtle is forgotten. we always seem to worry about the stupid or inappropriate things we say, more than the people we say them to seem to. hopefully its true this time. i guess we'll find out monday, if someone starts singing three6 mafia.
Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.
this is from overheardinnewyork.com. key word, OVERHEARD!!!
i only mention this because i accidentally made myself look like a complete skank the other night. my manager and i were having quite the conversation about sex and sexuality, and that spilled out onto our walk to the safe downstairs (i work in a hotel, all the money goes into a commonly accesible room). we and two other co workers were sharing stories about "our first time" and i mentioned that kesi's and my first included a very unromantic song. on repeat. so someone asks, "was he your first?" and i say, "nooooooooooo," in that way that implies that he wasnt even close to the first, which isnt the case.
so then i had to awkwardly announce that, no i am not a slut, (after not ten minutes before getting molested by another coworker's butt, and telling how kesi likes one of my friends' breasts) and that i REALLY made it seem like i was. then i said all my exes leave atlanta after we break up.
now that i have the weekend off, taking 48 hours of my time to explain all these intimate facts i bandied about the hotel commons, i realize how these things can be misconstrued. should i care? is it affecting much?
i dont know. but i know that if they are anything like me, they will have heard what i said and formulate wild generalizations about me and my private life. for instance, i can pretty much conclude that girl one is a bit of a drinker and has given many men "a piece of her mind," if you know what i mean. so lets just hope they are not like me.
i have an expression that i always say when people say, "did you hear so-and-so did this or that?" and it goes:
"i'm not fuckin them. why should i care?"
that, to me, is ladylike. we're too concerned. then again, we are telling our best friends about random BJs and throwing elaborate quince's-complete with a bellydance routine-in order to make our exes jealous. we have to be more tactful ladies!!!! stop letting the men know our plans! its all about subtlety.
so alas, people i have 24 more hours to mull this over and hope that the night where i was less than subtle is forgotten. we always seem to worry about the stupid or inappropriate things we say, more than the people we say them to seem to. hopefully its true this time. i guess we'll find out monday, if someone starts singing three6 mafia.
Monday, April 17, 2006
is butter a carb?
Ok, its not that i'm fat-i've only gained 15lbs since high school, and i'm still midrange for my height. But that doesnt stop my mom from telling me, seemingly every time she sees me middrift, that she really wishes i would exercise. "because you dont want this to be your future. " of course, she's refering to herself. Her overweight self.
Ok, yes, i do have a bit of a belly and it annoys me, but i'm pretty sure that if i were to do some crunches it would be taken care of. And having my mother tell me what can be interpreted as, "you look cute but not cute enough," can tend to give a chick a complex. I'm pretty sure if i wasnt so strong in mind-and such a food lover- i'd be annorexic.
The funny thing is, she says these things, and i wonder if she really heartfully means it. For one, just the other night, she went grocery shopping and brought back oreos and cookies and cream icecream. Of which i will have none because it'll be gone by the time i realize i want some.when i got upset the last time this happened(when food that was bought for me was eaten before i knew it was there) she said i should keep it in my room or hide it. Contradiction, maybe? i dont want to have to hide foor from my own family.
Also, why so worried about my figure and not your own? I like exercise, hanging in the sun, sweat, running. And i cant tell you how many times she's said she's gonna get on this machine or that machine we have at the house, only to do so once a week and feel accomplished. So is it projection? is she taking out her own self image issues on me? cuz thats just not fair.
yes people in my family have a weight problem, and i dont think its hereditary. i think our lack of will power and low self image is. my grandmother, whose parents were immigrants, came from a land of drought to america, where everywhere you look, there is food. and she ate. still eats. i think its adoreable how she puts a klondike bar on a little plate and eats it with a spoon. only now did i put it together that its probably because she's missing teeth. and she doesnt like to take pictures. she'll gett steaming mad at you if you do. and its carried on to generations. my mother wants to lose weight but wont stop buying junk food. and she looks to me and says, "have you noticed i'm losing weight?" no, but apparently youve noticed all 2.5 pounds i've gained over the past four years, which is all just a result of my not playing softball anymore.
do all parents do this? i dont want to be this way with my daughters... i know she loves me, but all the nagging? it may happen like once a week or so but it feels like every day. i worry about what she might say if i wear this or that, and i'm not comfortable. any suggestions?
Ok, yes, i do have a bit of a belly and it annoys me, but i'm pretty sure that if i were to do some crunches it would be taken care of. And having my mother tell me what can be interpreted as, "you look cute but not cute enough," can tend to give a chick a complex. I'm pretty sure if i wasnt so strong in mind-and such a food lover- i'd be annorexic.
The funny thing is, she says these things, and i wonder if she really heartfully means it. For one, just the other night, she went grocery shopping and brought back oreos and cookies and cream icecream. Of which i will have none because it'll be gone by the time i realize i want some.when i got upset the last time this happened(when food that was bought for me was eaten before i knew it was there) she said i should keep it in my room or hide it. Contradiction, maybe? i dont want to have to hide foor from my own family.
Also, why so worried about my figure and not your own? I like exercise, hanging in the sun, sweat, running. And i cant tell you how many times she's said she's gonna get on this machine or that machine we have at the house, only to do so once a week and feel accomplished. So is it projection? is she taking out her own self image issues on me? cuz thats just not fair.
yes people in my family have a weight problem, and i dont think its hereditary. i think our lack of will power and low self image is. my grandmother, whose parents were immigrants, came from a land of drought to america, where everywhere you look, there is food. and she ate. still eats. i think its adoreable how she puts a klondike bar on a little plate and eats it with a spoon. only now did i put it together that its probably because she's missing teeth. and she doesnt like to take pictures. she'll gett steaming mad at you if you do. and its carried on to generations. my mother wants to lose weight but wont stop buying junk food. and she looks to me and says, "have you noticed i'm losing weight?" no, but apparently youve noticed all 2.5 pounds i've gained over the past four years, which is all just a result of my not playing softball anymore.
do all parents do this? i dont want to be this way with my daughters... i know she loves me, but all the nagging? it may happen like once a week or so but it feels like every day. i worry about what she might say if i wear this or that, and i'm not comfortable. any suggestions?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
the hate list
-dedicated to lauren(better to write it down than keep it in and get fat and explode) and aaron mcgruder.-
this is a compilation of random things that bug me on a daily basis. there's plenty more things, these are just the ones i thought of in the half hour trip from my house to school on the train...
*emo titles ("panic! at the disco" is the one i hate the most. also, "a little less 16 candles, a little more touch me." how bout a little less need for research when trying to listen to a song? most of the kids who listen to fall out boy are too young to know who samantha fox is. i barely know who she is.)
*old people who think things that teens do are so much worse than anything they did. Sometimes it is but they definitely overexaggerate on things.
*people who sigh in your face or put money on counters instead of in your hands. (this happens to me alot at work. alot.)
*wet money. Why is it wet!?
*people with love handles who wear low rise jeans with short tees. youth is not qualification for wearing low rise. do some crunches.
*hipster haircuts on dudes. (Do you really need to comb that much hair forward?)
*guys who talk to you when you are ACTIVELY trying to ignore them.
*the assumption that guys and girls cant be friends.
*white men who call me homegirl. Stop. No more.
*hilary duff
*people who get mad when people when people look at your breasts for like, a second. As long as you dont outwardly stare... I mean, theyre out there for a reason
*religious intolerance in the scale of hate. This excludes any episode of south park and any jokes about scientology or mormonism
*people who think they can be models cuz theyre pretty.
*thinking all male hairdressers/ dancers/ designers are gay
*people who dress like school is a club. all that makeup is uncalledfor.
*random people in the background of your pics.
*people who judge when you say you were 16 when you went on birth control. (bonus points if they have kids)
*most republicans.
*waking up before 10 am
*that "youre beautiful" song. his voice drives me up a damn wall.
*people who let their kids run all over them. or scream in public. all those kids on "Nanny 911" while we're at it. who lets it get that far?
feel free to add on or make your own. hate is natural. better to blog than kill someone. i often have to weigh the pros and cons of murdering the reciever of my hate. please remember that i mostly love...
this is a compilation of random things that bug me on a daily basis. there's plenty more things, these are just the ones i thought of in the half hour trip from my house to school on the train...
*emo titles ("panic! at the disco" is the one i hate the most. also, "a little less 16 candles, a little more touch me." how bout a little less need for research when trying to listen to a song? most of the kids who listen to fall out boy are too young to know who samantha fox is. i barely know who she is.)
*old people who think things that teens do are so much worse than anything they did. Sometimes it is but they definitely overexaggerate on things.
*people who sigh in your face or put money on counters instead of in your hands. (this happens to me alot at work. alot.)
*wet money. Why is it wet!?
*people with love handles who wear low rise jeans with short tees. youth is not qualification for wearing low rise. do some crunches.
*hipster haircuts on dudes. (Do you really need to comb that much hair forward?)
*guys who talk to you when you are ACTIVELY trying to ignore them.
*the assumption that guys and girls cant be friends.
*white men who call me homegirl. Stop. No more.
*hilary duff
*people who get mad when people when people look at your breasts for like, a second. As long as you dont outwardly stare... I mean, theyre out there for a reason
*religious intolerance in the scale of hate. This excludes any episode of south park and any jokes about scientology or mormonism
*people who think they can be models cuz theyre pretty.
*thinking all male hairdressers/ dancers/ designers are gay
*people who dress like school is a club. all that makeup is uncalledfor.
*random people in the background of your pics.
*people who judge when you say you were 16 when you went on birth control. (bonus points if they have kids)
*most republicans.
*waking up before 10 am
*that "youre beautiful" song. his voice drives me up a damn wall.
*people who let their kids run all over them. or scream in public. all those kids on "Nanny 911" while we're at it. who lets it get that far?
feel free to add on or make your own. hate is natural. better to blog than kill someone. i often have to weigh the pros and cons of murdering the reciever of my hate. please remember that i mostly love...
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
how could i be so imature?
how could i be so imature
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"
this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:
couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.
couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.
so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.
kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.
it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?
one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.
i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.
so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"
this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:
couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.
couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.
so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.
kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.
it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?
one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.
i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.
so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
free advertising.
you may not have noticed i put a link on my "shamelessly stolen from everyone" post. if you didnt, here it is again. its one of my best friends, and he's super talented. so like him, K?
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
march is: National Major Misconception Month!
so there have been many a post this month about people and how they are seen, whether they are light skinned or have natural hair. i must say that i too am misconcieved because of my outward appearance, and i feel its time to share, in the hopes that people will stop making stupid comments directed at yours and mine truly:
1: i am not one of those "concious" girls.
i got this one today in electronic music class. we were talking about The Game, who i think is generally wack, and when asked what kind of music i listen to i mentioned Talib Kweli and Mos Def, along with others who the guy i was talking to chose to ignore.
"so you one of them concious girls?"-he notices my andy warhol print scarf on my head (cuz i didnt wanna do my hair-more on that later)
"no, i just like good rappers. The Game is typical. and also wack."
ok people... just because i refuse to fall into the G-Unit trap, doesnt mean i am one of those "the black struggle" people. honestly, i'm struggling enough for me, i dont need to worry about the rest of us. stop trying to figure me out!!! if he had asked who my favorite musicians were, it would have been a long time before a rapper's name would have popped up. i prefer rock. but since i am african american, that never even registered to him. so maybe i am concious in the way that i am smarter than most people, but that has nothing to do with my musical preferences. kweli likes 50 cent. think about that.
2: i am not muslim.
i cannot recall the ammount of times people "a salam alakum"-ed me when i had a scarf on my head. once again, sometimes i dont wnna do my hair. i have about 5-6 scarves for just such an occasion. they are pretty, and serve their purpose. i have alot of hair, despite the fact that my fro is usually tightly curled. i dont know SHIT about islam, except what a few of my friends and my theologist mother has told me. i saw malcolm X once... i was little. anyone can cut up some fabric or go to the hair store and get a damn scarf. dont play yourself. (side note: women never assume i am muslim. is this some kind of pick up line?)
3: i have my hair natural because...
when i turned 15, it started falling out. not for any ethnic or religious reason. pure vanity. ironically, i was dating a caucasion when i first started growing my fro.
vanity is also the reason i color it. i think it looks better red than brown. why did i press it last week? vanity. like i said, it curls tight and i love it, but it takes me HOURS to do anything to it. i usually have to have a day off just to wash it. its versatile. i'd never get a perm again, or dreads, so stop asking!!!!!
4: i do care about my looks.
i just dont care what you think of them. not even my mother cant get me to not wear jeans and sneakers to church. i cant remember the last time i wore a dress. my philosophy on shirts is, "if youre gonna stare at my breasts, you should have something to read." i dont wear makeup because i'm already that pretty. i have great skin and i'd like to keep it that way. furthermore, i am SO VERY SHALLOW. its a sickness really.
5: i actually love pork.
i just dont eat it. when i was 15, i saw a show where a group of people taking care of baby pigs. they are so cute! adoreable! so i decided that when i got older i was gonna have a runt pig (like wilbur from charlotte's web). knowing pigs are smart, i decided to stop eating pork. ever once in a while i'd eat bacon, but i'd only regret it and it made me sick. turkey bacon tastes better too. once again, not a religious thing. also, i am not a vegetarian. i'm just a picky eater.
for those of you that know me, this was probably just a laugh. if you dont know me, maybe we could all stop making assumptions about people. take the time to learn about people. we're pretty interesting and dont fit any mold but our own.
1: i am not one of those "concious" girls.
i got this one today in electronic music class. we were talking about The Game, who i think is generally wack, and when asked what kind of music i listen to i mentioned Talib Kweli and Mos Def, along with others who the guy i was talking to chose to ignore.
"so you one of them concious girls?"-he notices my andy warhol print scarf on my head (cuz i didnt wanna do my hair-more on that later)
"no, i just like good rappers. The Game is typical. and also wack."
ok people... just because i refuse to fall into the G-Unit trap, doesnt mean i am one of those "the black struggle" people. honestly, i'm struggling enough for me, i dont need to worry about the rest of us. stop trying to figure me out!!! if he had asked who my favorite musicians were, it would have been a long time before a rapper's name would have popped up. i prefer rock. but since i am african american, that never even registered to him. so maybe i am concious in the way that i am smarter than most people, but that has nothing to do with my musical preferences. kweli likes 50 cent. think about that.
2: i am not muslim.
i cannot recall the ammount of times people "a salam alakum"-ed me when i had a scarf on my head. once again, sometimes i dont wnna do my hair. i have about 5-6 scarves for just such an occasion. they are pretty, and serve their purpose. i have alot of hair, despite the fact that my fro is usually tightly curled. i dont know SHIT about islam, except what a few of my friends and my theologist mother has told me. i saw malcolm X once... i was little. anyone can cut up some fabric or go to the hair store and get a damn scarf. dont play yourself. (side note: women never assume i am muslim. is this some kind of pick up line?)
3: i have my hair natural because...
when i turned 15, it started falling out. not for any ethnic or religious reason. pure vanity. ironically, i was dating a caucasion when i first started growing my fro.
vanity is also the reason i color it. i think it looks better red than brown. why did i press it last week? vanity. like i said, it curls tight and i love it, but it takes me HOURS to do anything to it. i usually have to have a day off just to wash it. its versatile. i'd never get a perm again, or dreads, so stop asking!!!!!
4: i do care about my looks.
i just dont care what you think of them. not even my mother cant get me to not wear jeans and sneakers to church. i cant remember the last time i wore a dress. my philosophy on shirts is, "if youre gonna stare at my breasts, you should have something to read." i dont wear makeup because i'm already that pretty. i have great skin and i'd like to keep it that way. furthermore, i am SO VERY SHALLOW. its a sickness really.
5: i actually love pork.
i just dont eat it. when i was 15, i saw a show where a group of people taking care of baby pigs. they are so cute! adoreable! so i decided that when i got older i was gonna have a runt pig (like wilbur from charlotte's web). knowing pigs are smart, i decided to stop eating pork. ever once in a while i'd eat bacon, but i'd only regret it and it made me sick. turkey bacon tastes better too. once again, not a religious thing. also, i am not a vegetarian. i'm just a picky eater.
for those of you that know me, this was probably just a laugh. if you dont know me, maybe we could all stop making assumptions about people. take the time to learn about people. we're pretty interesting and dont fit any mold but our own.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
shamelessly stolen from everyone...
1) A favorite political track.
'MIA' or 'who's ya leader' by MIA
2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
'shake' by Pitbull (mentirosa!!!!)
3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
'dont' by Jewel
"southern girl" by incubus (youre an exception to the rules/ youre a bonified rarity/ youre all i ever wanted- southern girl, could you want me?)- bonus cuz kesi's southern and i'm not. of course i change girl to boy...
4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.
anything by Fiona Apple or Incubus
5) A song that you like, that a two-year-old would like as well.
'check on it' by Beyonce. My cousin Shamar's favorite.
6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
'faint' Linkin Park. 'Cameltosis' by Korn. That song is sexy.
7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
anything by Youthful Praise, the choir my cousin is in. They have two cd's and they are great.
8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
'time' by Stone Temple Pilots, 'linger' by Cranberries
9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
'the ghost of you' by My Chemical Romance.
10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life
'better than fine' Fiona Apple
11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
'any man of mine' Shania Twain. 'canon in d' by Pachelbel.
12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
'oceania' by Bjork. Reminds me of the womb.
13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
'stickwitu remix' PCD and Avant.
14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsensically, religiously etc.)
'dance dance' Fall Out Boy- I dont know half the words he's saying. And for that matter, 'love' by Keshia Cole. Dont repeat the verse and think we dont notice.
15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
'lemme see ya do it' Lil John.
'Rodeo' Juvenile.
16) Your smooth song, for relaxing:
'aqueous transmission' by Incubus
17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
'kill you' by Korn. The name alone says alot.
18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
'like a stone' by Audioslave
19) A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member.
Pale September by Fiona Apple- well yes lauren is right. But also the lion king theme, thanks to kesi's first thoughts about my grandma's birthday party.
20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
'riding swerving' by Project Pat,
'on and on' by Brefontaine.
'MIA' or 'who's ya leader' by MIA
2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
'shake' by Pitbull (mentirosa!!!!)
3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
'dont' by Jewel
"southern girl" by incubus (youre an exception to the rules/ youre a bonified rarity/ youre all i ever wanted- southern girl, could you want me?)- bonus cuz kesi's southern and i'm not. of course i change girl to boy...
4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.
anything by Fiona Apple or Incubus
5) A song that you like, that a two-year-old would like as well.
'check on it' by Beyonce. My cousin Shamar's favorite.
6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
'faint' Linkin Park. 'Cameltosis' by Korn. That song is sexy.
7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
anything by Youthful Praise, the choir my cousin is in. They have two cd's and they are great.
8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
'time' by Stone Temple Pilots, 'linger' by Cranberries
9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
'the ghost of you' by My Chemical Romance.
10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life
'better than fine' Fiona Apple
11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
'any man of mine' Shania Twain. 'canon in d' by Pachelbel.
12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
'oceania' by Bjork. Reminds me of the womb.
13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
'stickwitu remix' PCD and Avant.
14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsensically, religiously etc.)
'dance dance' Fall Out Boy- I dont know half the words he's saying. And for that matter, 'love' by Keshia Cole. Dont repeat the verse and think we dont notice.
15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
'lemme see ya do it' Lil John.
'Rodeo' Juvenile.
16) Your smooth song, for relaxing:
'aqueous transmission' by Incubus
17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
'kill you' by Korn. The name alone says alot.
18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
'like a stone' by Audioslave
19) A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member.
Pale September by Fiona Apple- well yes lauren is right. But also the lion king theme, thanks to kesi's first thoughts about my grandma's birthday party.
20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
'riding swerving' by Project Pat,
'on and on' by Brefontaine.
Friday, March 03, 2006
-I'm a cheerleader! -Thats because you look cute in the skirt.
(originally written a few days ago. i'm still swolen and still cant get a doctor.)
This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.
But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.
Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.
So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.
So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.
This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.
But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.
Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.
So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.
So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
riding, riding, swerving, swerving....
ok, so it's been a minute. and in that minute here's what has occured...
i turned 22. conciderably unevetfully, despite my best efforts. seems jabre was right.- "no one cares after 21." (ok, pity party is a little too crunk) honestly i had a great time. i went to gladys night's chicken and waffles with kesi, although i had planned on more people being there. turns out all my friends are broke. but jabre and another friend kyle and us went to the bar near my job and played pool. and i kicked ass. won every game i played, though i was a tad tipsy. i did look cute doing it, naturally.
after we left the bar a homeless man proceeded to talk to kesi for a good five minutes NONSTOP, until i had to cut him off and tell kesi to roll up the car window. i mean, he already had all the money we could spare, but he just kept talking...after that i really didnt want to hear anyone talking.
after that was valentines day, a day that i think is a waste of time. every year that i have worked in retail, i see people come in to wherever it is that i work and rush last minute to show their love for whomever. but if you feel obligated, then it really isnt sincere, is it? and why do you do it? because its valentines day and thats what you are supposed to do, not because you actually love them (whether you do or not isnt the point). i didnt get anything from kesi. honestly all i wanted were some hotwings and to cuddle. i didnt get either for circumstantial reasons, but my friend who is a cook made all the girls at work chocolate covered strawberries. really sweet, and he didnt have to do it. he's not dating any of us. proves my point. i also got two boxes of mini reeses from my manager because i had mentioned that i was gonna try to pick up some on-sale valentines candy the next day, and she happened to have my favorite in her office. i shared one box and kept the other for myself.
the rest of the week i worked and worked. i really needed money. still do, but my refund should be coming in a few days. lauren called me on saturday and said she was in town, and where was i? stuck with 25,000 cheerleaders (that is NOT an exagerated number), all who want iced caramel macchiatos. youre 11, what do you need with coffee?
i finally got to see her monday night, after her dear dad decided not to drop her off at my house and my dear boyfriend decided to drive 50 miles to go get her(that boy gets a hero cookie). she also had my birthday gift, but if i had known she was coming, i would have told her to save the money and bring herself to ATL. (ok, maybe not- i love my coach wristlet!)
on the drive back we listened to some mixtapes kesi had and lauren heard some new stuff, which she should have heard since our friend Pizo claims to hold it down for the A in DC. one of which was "riding, swerving" featuring Project Pat, who i love...we stayed up til 4AM and ate the last of those valentine reeses, which i was happy to share. she slept on my side of my big bed and took all the covers. i still love her though.
lauren's back in DC now, and i am sad. kind of sad. i will see her in a month, and i'll be done with school for a few months by then. for now we will both be stressed and tired and working and learning and getting older, and forsaking our already late speech outline to type a blog.
i turned 22. conciderably unevetfully, despite my best efforts. seems jabre was right.- "no one cares after 21." (ok, pity party is a little too crunk) honestly i had a great time. i went to gladys night's chicken and waffles with kesi, although i had planned on more people being there. turns out all my friends are broke. but jabre and another friend kyle and us went to the bar near my job and played pool. and i kicked ass. won every game i played, though i was a tad tipsy. i did look cute doing it, naturally.
after we left the bar a homeless man proceeded to talk to kesi for a good five minutes NONSTOP, until i had to cut him off and tell kesi to roll up the car window. i mean, he already had all the money we could spare, but he just kept talking...after that i really didnt want to hear anyone talking.
after that was valentines day, a day that i think is a waste of time. every year that i have worked in retail, i see people come in to wherever it is that i work and rush last minute to show their love for whomever. but if you feel obligated, then it really isnt sincere, is it? and why do you do it? because its valentines day and thats what you are supposed to do, not because you actually love them (whether you do or not isnt the point). i didnt get anything from kesi. honestly all i wanted were some hotwings and to cuddle. i didnt get either for circumstantial reasons, but my friend who is a cook made all the girls at work chocolate covered strawberries. really sweet, and he didnt have to do it. he's not dating any of us. proves my point. i also got two boxes of mini reeses from my manager because i had mentioned that i was gonna try to pick up some on-sale valentines candy the next day, and she happened to have my favorite in her office. i shared one box and kept the other for myself.
the rest of the week i worked and worked. i really needed money. still do, but my refund should be coming in a few days. lauren called me on saturday and said she was in town, and where was i? stuck with 25,000 cheerleaders (that is NOT an exagerated number), all who want iced caramel macchiatos. youre 11, what do you need with coffee?
i finally got to see her monday night, after her dear dad decided not to drop her off at my house and my dear boyfriend decided to drive 50 miles to go get her(that boy gets a hero cookie). she also had my birthday gift, but if i had known she was coming, i would have told her to save the money and bring herself to ATL. (ok, maybe not- i love my coach wristlet!)
on the drive back we listened to some mixtapes kesi had and lauren heard some new stuff, which she should have heard since our friend Pizo claims to hold it down for the A in DC. one of which was "riding, swerving" featuring Project Pat, who i love...we stayed up til 4AM and ate the last of those valentine reeses, which i was happy to share. she slept on my side of my big bed and took all the covers. i still love her though.
lauren's back in DC now, and i am sad. kind of sad. i will see her in a month, and i'll be done with school for a few months by then. for now we will both be stressed and tired and working and learning and getting older, and forsaking our already late speech outline to type a blog.
Friday, February 10, 2006
what's your secret?
i bought the book "post secret" the other day after hearing ryan cameron rave on about it on the radio. i read it in one night. its basically people writing down secrets they nevertold anyone and mailing them to this guy as an art project. and these are the things i discovered about us as humans:
*we romanticise EVERYTHING, even our darkest secrets. i'm sure if you think about the secret that you never told ANYONE at all, then think of the reason you dont tell, you'd surely imagine your life spiralling into soap operatic status. whether the secret is good or bad.
*we are so alike and in need when it comes to the things we feel and fear.
* clearly people are voyeuristic. the book is a bestseller. i mean, i make no bones about my desire to enjoy other people's life (reality shows anyone?)
and here's something i discovered about myself: i have no secrets. between my closer friends, all of them know everything about me. i think thats good. confide in someone. or a few someones. as long as you didnt murder someone, i'm sure a good friend might not think you are that strange.
right lauren?
*we romanticise EVERYTHING, even our darkest secrets. i'm sure if you think about the secret that you never told ANYONE at all, then think of the reason you dont tell, you'd surely imagine your life spiralling into soap operatic status. whether the secret is good or bad.
*we are so alike and in need when it comes to the things we feel and fear.
* clearly people are voyeuristic. the book is a bestseller. i mean, i make no bones about my desire to enjoy other people's life (reality shows anyone?)
and here's something i discovered about myself: i have no secrets. between my closer friends, all of them know everything about me. i think thats good. confide in someone. or a few someones. as long as you didnt murder someone, i'm sure a good friend might not think you are that strange.
right lauren?
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
while you losers are watching the super bowl... (part 2)
so was everyone else at red lobster. it wasnt pacted, but it wasnt empty as i expected. damn bar tvs...
but dinner was great, and the night was great. we also went to the drive in and saw "big mama's house2." it was so old fashioned! we laid under the blanket i made him a few years back and cuddled. i dont want to share too much because it is something i would just like to preserve in my memory. just everyone be aware that i am more in love today than i was on feb 4.
also, my dear friend, the one who got drunk, called me to wish me a happy birthday. very sweet, but a tad early, yeah?
but dinner was great, and the night was great. we also went to the drive in and saw "big mama's house2." it was so old fashioned! we laid under the blanket i made him a few years back and cuddled. i dont want to share too much because it is something i would just like to preserve in my memory. just everyone be aware that i am more in love today than i was on feb 4.
also, my dear friend, the one who got drunk, called me to wish me a happy birthday. very sweet, but a tad early, yeah?
Friday, February 03, 2006
while you losers are watching the super bowl...
we'll have red lobster all to ourselves. i will indeed not be at work. no matter how they presume to schedule me for this sunday, they can sit on it.
on to the post's purpose. kesi's and my anniversary is sunday. And i want a lobster tail and some blush. so i'm going somewhere classy. ok, i'm going to the place for "seafood lover in me" but that seafood lover is fat and must be satiated.
last night was the anniversary preview. i made fried chicken, (which i havent done in almost a year. it was bangin though) and we watched My Name Is Earl and a documentary on multiple birth families. this may not seem like a fun date to you, but i had a great time. all i wanted to do was make sure my man relaxed, which he did, in many ways, and it culminated in this texting to lauren:
me: i'm trapped. he fell asleep. and his feet smelled. i made him clean them before we did it.
her: Lmao!! hands down the funniest text i've gitten in forever. Ew stinky feet. thats real love.
me: it smelled so bad. apparently he'd gone right to sleep after he got home last night and since he was supposed to take my mom somewhere early this morning he never changed his socks. so it is a result of hard work that he stinks and is asleep.
her: still gross no matter what the explaination. spray him with something. or... cut off his feet.
me: i will not Kunta my man. he'd be really pissed. and then i'd have to wheel him around.
her: but you wouldnt have to deal with his feet. and arent the vows all about in sickness and in health?
me: yeah, A, i'm not married. and B, the vows say nothing about violence and maiming.
her: youre as good as married. and i mean, be original. must you take the same vows as everyone else?:-p
me: love cant survive attempted murder. i'm not a hillbilly.
her: are you sure? if anyone could its you two.
me: i know. we're so strong. he moved! i'm free! he was sweating too. i cant win...
her: eww youve officially shared too much w/me. so really what youre telling me is that you smell like a sweaty sex foot. niiiice.
me: this is an indeed accurate description of the woman you read before you. and i had chicken, if you wanna add that in. but above all, i'm satisfied.
her: must you taint the chicken that way? yuck.
one of the funniest convos we've had in a while. after we finished texting, i watched him sleep and ultimately cried, which always happens around this time of year. he just looked so peaceful- like a baby. i told him later how lucky i was to be the only one who gets to love him like i do. i really am. despite his stinky feet.
on to the post's purpose. kesi's and my anniversary is sunday. And i want a lobster tail and some blush. so i'm going somewhere classy. ok, i'm going to the place for "seafood lover in me" but that seafood lover is fat and must be satiated.
last night was the anniversary preview. i made fried chicken, (which i havent done in almost a year. it was bangin though) and we watched My Name Is Earl and a documentary on multiple birth families. this may not seem like a fun date to you, but i had a great time. all i wanted to do was make sure my man relaxed, which he did, in many ways, and it culminated in this texting to lauren:
me: i'm trapped. he fell asleep. and his feet smelled. i made him clean them before we did it.
her: Lmao!! hands down the funniest text i've gitten in forever. Ew stinky feet. thats real love.
me: it smelled so bad. apparently he'd gone right to sleep after he got home last night and since he was supposed to take my mom somewhere early this morning he never changed his socks. so it is a result of hard work that he stinks and is asleep.
her: still gross no matter what the explaination. spray him with something. or... cut off his feet.
me: i will not Kunta my man. he'd be really pissed. and then i'd have to wheel him around.
her: but you wouldnt have to deal with his feet. and arent the vows all about in sickness and in health?
me: yeah, A, i'm not married. and B, the vows say nothing about violence and maiming.
her: youre as good as married. and i mean, be original. must you take the same vows as everyone else?:-p
me: love cant survive attempted murder. i'm not a hillbilly.
her: are you sure? if anyone could its you two.
me: i know. we're so strong. he moved! i'm free! he was sweating too. i cant win...
her: eww youve officially shared too much w/me. so really what youre telling me is that you smell like a sweaty sex foot. niiiice.
me: this is an indeed accurate description of the woman you read before you. and i had chicken, if you wanna add that in. but above all, i'm satisfied.
her: must you taint the chicken that way? yuck.
one of the funniest convos we've had in a while. after we finished texting, i watched him sleep and ultimately cried, which always happens around this time of year. he just looked so peaceful- like a baby. i told him later how lucky i was to be the only one who gets to love him like i do. i really am. despite his stinky feet.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
lost in translation
I'm like a southern immigrant. I've lived in atlanta for ten years, and culturally, things dont really click for me. I realized it this week especially, when corretta scott king died. I was like, ok, god rest her soul, move on. I didnt know her or anything. But there was tv and radio coverage ALL DAY, at the king center where people came from all over to bring flowers and pay respects. People at my job wanted to go to the funeral. And i really didnt understand it. Still kind of dont.
In my mind all i can think is that its another southern thing that i dont get because northerners would only do something like that- paying respects to a symbol of this ongoing fight- just to say they did it. To yell out, "i was there too!" And i'm totally fighting that urge myself.
But there's more. Alot of things true southerners feel and do and enjoy, i dont get it sometimes. I hated young jeezy. He's starting to grow on me now, slightly. And the jig and the lean and rock? When i first saw them i thought the whole dance floor had lost their minds. The jig still looks like the martin short dance to me.
I said i'd never be a southern person, never claim ga more than ct. But in a way i feel like i'm missing something. Like the fun is going on without me. When lauren laughed at kesi's southern slang- "hellyatambout"- i was just like ok...inside joke.
Whats so great about this place? I dont miss bpt nearly as much as she does atl. i guess i better figure it out before i get left behind.
In my mind all i can think is that its another southern thing that i dont get because northerners would only do something like that- paying respects to a symbol of this ongoing fight- just to say they did it. To yell out, "i was there too!" And i'm totally fighting that urge myself.
But there's more. Alot of things true southerners feel and do and enjoy, i dont get it sometimes. I hated young jeezy. He's starting to grow on me now, slightly. And the jig and the lean and rock? When i first saw them i thought the whole dance floor had lost their minds. The jig still looks like the martin short dance to me.
I said i'd never be a southern person, never claim ga more than ct. But in a way i feel like i'm missing something. Like the fun is going on without me. When lauren laughed at kesi's southern slang- "hellyatambout"- i was just like ok...inside joke.
Whats so great about this place? I dont miss bpt nearly as much as she does atl. i guess i better figure it out before i get left behind.
Monday, January 30, 2006
a wise man once said
dont you hate them old lyin ass hoes
smiling in your face but in her best friend's clothes?
ok, seriously it was lil flip. but it's true! ok, so she didnt smile in my face, but this is what i think happened:
my "friend" told her friends that she had a "hook up"-me- and that she would guarantee a good time for those friends from services rendered by the hook up. all this happened before talking to me.
said "friend" called me repeatedly at times when i was busy-i am always busy- and left messages, not to say hi, happy birthday (in 2 weeks) or happy anniversary (one week), but to say "i need something from you for free."
said "friend" also left IM's on my yahoo acct to say "oh, so you cant pick up the phone?" mind you, the last time i talked to her was october. and she was drunk and dismissive. and only wanted to talk about herself.
so no, i will not be rendering my services to you, my "clothes" if you will, for you will surely be flossing off of what i got, not what you earned, if i did so.
and shit, i dont have time to make sure your shit is squared away when mine is all over the place. but you wouldnt know that, cuz you never asked, did you. boo to you madam. boo to you.
smiling in your face but in her best friend's clothes?
ok, seriously it was lil flip. but it's true! ok, so she didnt smile in my face, but this is what i think happened:
my "friend" told her friends that she had a "hook up"-me- and that she would guarantee a good time for those friends from services rendered by the hook up. all this happened before talking to me.
said "friend" called me repeatedly at times when i was busy-i am always busy- and left messages, not to say hi, happy birthday (in 2 weeks) or happy anniversary (one week), but to say "i need something from you for free."
said "friend" also left IM's on my yahoo acct to say "oh, so you cant pick up the phone?" mind you, the last time i talked to her was october. and she was drunk and dismissive. and only wanted to talk about herself.
so no, i will not be rendering my services to you, my "clothes" if you will, for you will surely be flossing off of what i got, not what you earned, if i did so.
and shit, i dont have time to make sure your shit is squared away when mine is all over the place. but you wouldnt know that, cuz you never asked, did you. boo to you madam. boo to you.
Friday, January 27, 2006
i'm even to lazy to link them in this post. look down and left.
i finally put shani and overheard on my page. i have been linking to lauren to link to them...i'm so lazy. check them out. down and left people!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
tell your daddy i said "fuck it."
that dave chapelle moment brought to you by the asshole crack heads who busted out my back passenger window just to take the change out of my car, leaving kesi and me with more debt. i hope you get bad crack and die. DIE!!! the only thing keeping me calm is Sean Paul's "breakout" (the song at the end of the "Temperature" video). and now on to better things...
so James and i met and went to lenox. he looked exactly the same. i really expected a beard or something. we went to Burger King. we all know the "Kang" is my favoritest fast food thingie ever, and he and i made jokes about 7th period, and how we would skip to the dairy queen directly across the street from the school gym. ah...memories.
we talked and walked for 3 hours. it was so cool, a complete stress relief to talk to someone who you know but not really- at least, not like you used to. we talked about our stupid exes, went to brookstone and sat on the massage chairs (my middle school stalker works there- awkward!), kesi, who he apparently had a class with, the perils of an alternative high school, and my plans to get by on my looks... music, old times, new times, work...the double standard that allows women to say, "she's pretty" but keeps men from saying the same thing about other men...
it made me remember that he was like the only one of our crew that i could have a serious convo with or even a not to serious convo, without it drifting off into awkwardness or boredom or one of us turning the conversation into our life story, which the other person inevitably does not care about. he invited my boyfriend and i camping, on as long as i bring a cute friend. does he not know all my cute friends live in a different state? or are guys? i'll be sure to work on that.
got home just in time for LOST. he called me out on my getting a ride from him just to get there before 9pm. superfans gotta do what they gotta do. we promised to do it again and said good night. awesome.
so James and i met and went to lenox. he looked exactly the same. i really expected a beard or something. we went to Burger King. we all know the "Kang" is my favoritest fast food thingie ever, and he and i made jokes about 7th period, and how we would skip to the dairy queen directly across the street from the school gym. ah...memories.
we talked and walked for 3 hours. it was so cool, a complete stress relief to talk to someone who you know but not really- at least, not like you used to. we talked about our stupid exes, went to brookstone and sat on the massage chairs (my middle school stalker works there- awkward!), kesi, who he apparently had a class with, the perils of an alternative high school, and my plans to get by on my looks... music, old times, new times, work...the double standard that allows women to say, "she's pretty" but keeps men from saying the same thing about other men...
it made me remember that he was like the only one of our crew that i could have a serious convo with or even a not to serious convo, without it drifting off into awkwardness or boredom or one of us turning the conversation into our life story, which the other person inevitably does not care about. he invited my boyfriend and i camping, on as long as i bring a cute friend. does he not know all my cute friends live in a different state? or are guys? i'll be sure to work on that.
got home just in time for LOST. he called me out on my getting a ride from him just to get there before 9pm. superfans gotta do what they gotta do. we promised to do it again and said good night. awesome.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
you can call me too! if you have my number...
remember when i said that i was gonna call more than two people in my phone book? i think more people are reading this than i originally believed. they keep calling me! not a problem, not complaining.
one of the people that called was my old high school friend, who i will call james, because no one knows thats his name. james is my ex's wife's ex. but before all that, we were very close. we would skip school and have deep talks- as deep as two 16-year olds can get... then we fell out.
we would skip school together and essentially failed spanish two together. he, my boyfriend at the time, his girlfriend and i would go to my house because it was closest, and watch tv and do other things which may or may not have been illegal. it was a lovely existence until we all werent going to graduate on time.
long ass story which still makes certain people (me? noooo...) really pissed, i wrote them a letter saying that all they wanted to do was skip school and have sex, and that i was over all that (so easy to say when my boyfriend lived in another state by then). i pretty much hypocritically insulted james and his girlfriend, who i had known since 7th grade. needless to say they were igged, especially since they were trying to make changes too- although on a side note james and i are the only ones who actually did graduate out of ALL our crew.
so we drifted. i didnt see or hear of him for literally years. then sometime near new years, i get a myspace message from him apologizing for the way our friendship ended. wow. our exes, who are now married and popping out kids, are probably looking at our pictures with a scowl to this day. and here we are, making up. turns out, we never really had any animosity between the two of us that wasnt fueled by our formers.
so i am meeting him for a late lunch today. i'm sure we will have much to talk about. not only am i sticking to my non-resolutions, i am growing! look at me making friends!!!
one of the people that called was my old high school friend, who i will call james, because no one knows thats his name. james is my ex's wife's ex. but before all that, we were very close. we would skip school and have deep talks- as deep as two 16-year olds can get... then we fell out.
we would skip school together and essentially failed spanish two together. he, my boyfriend at the time, his girlfriend and i would go to my house because it was closest, and watch tv and do other things which may or may not have been illegal. it was a lovely existence until we all werent going to graduate on time.
long ass story which still makes certain people (me? noooo...) really pissed, i wrote them a letter saying that all they wanted to do was skip school and have sex, and that i was over all that (so easy to say when my boyfriend lived in another state by then). i pretty much hypocritically insulted james and his girlfriend, who i had known since 7th grade. needless to say they were igged, especially since they were trying to make changes too- although on a side note james and i are the only ones who actually did graduate out of ALL our crew.
so we drifted. i didnt see or hear of him for literally years. then sometime near new years, i get a myspace message from him apologizing for the way our friendship ended. wow. our exes, who are now married and popping out kids, are probably looking at our pictures with a scowl to this day. and here we are, making up. turns out, we never really had any animosity between the two of us that wasnt fueled by our formers.
so i am meeting him for a late lunch today. i'm sure we will have much to talk about. not only am i sticking to my non-resolutions, i am growing! look at me making friends!!!
Friday, January 20, 2006
i think youre smart, you sweet thing...tell me your name, i'm dying here.
A few days ago, in nostalgia over our impending four year anniversary, i was looking at photos my boyfriend and i took together. Four years. The best i've ever experienced. So why did i do that "secret tears" thing i do when i kind of do/dont want him to know i'm crying? The answer goes back to the begining. cue flashback.
Seven years ago, i'm sitting on the floor outside the chorus room with my new friend brandi(oh how time flies), when this tall, skinny boy walks by. She says hi and introduces us, and he goes on his way, off to the tv prod. room. I ask brandi his name again, and ask her if he's foreign. I think he's cute. I inquire more about his name and determine that he's middle eastern, and i like that. Of course i would find this not to be true, but he was still cute.
And here we are now, dating, loving, planning our future, and he tells me that for legal reasons- read: someone very close to him is stealing his identity-, he may have to change his name. To what, who knows. But he wont be him, not by name.
I love his name, which i will not and have not stated (kesi is his middle name). I love saying it, writing it; when people ask me what it is, i love saying it a few times until they get it right, then explaining that its a family name, and that we only know of four other people with that first name who have existed in america. It was what attracted me to him. An unusual name for an unusual man. All the other losers i dated were named jason, ronald, michael... Bland, unextraordinary names.
So i cried. I wanted him to know because i always want him to know how i feel, but i didnt because i didnt want to get in the way of something he has to do. i didnt tell him that i was and he didnt figure it out. we kind of breezed off the subject. I wanted to give my son that name. I still might. But i guess its not so much of a legacy if someone with that name makes it so you have to change it. In a way i feel like i'm overreacting, but i imagined marrying "kesi", not "billy normal-dude". Even if its in name only.
Whatever happens, i'll still love him. Maybe he could change his name every four years and it'll be like i'm dating a whole new guy! That looks just like my ex... Who had the coolest name.
Seven years ago, i'm sitting on the floor outside the chorus room with my new friend brandi(oh how time flies), when this tall, skinny boy walks by. She says hi and introduces us, and he goes on his way, off to the tv prod. room. I ask brandi his name again, and ask her if he's foreign. I think he's cute. I inquire more about his name and determine that he's middle eastern, and i like that. Of course i would find this not to be true, but he was still cute.
And here we are now, dating, loving, planning our future, and he tells me that for legal reasons- read: someone very close to him is stealing his identity-, he may have to change his name. To what, who knows. But he wont be him, not by name.
I love his name, which i will not and have not stated (kesi is his middle name). I love saying it, writing it; when people ask me what it is, i love saying it a few times until they get it right, then explaining that its a family name, and that we only know of four other people with that first name who have existed in america. It was what attracted me to him. An unusual name for an unusual man. All the other losers i dated were named jason, ronald, michael... Bland, unextraordinary names.
So i cried. I wanted him to know because i always want him to know how i feel, but i didnt because i didnt want to get in the way of something he has to do. i didnt tell him that i was and he didnt figure it out. we kind of breezed off the subject. I wanted to give my son that name. I still might. But i guess its not so much of a legacy if someone with that name makes it so you have to change it. In a way i feel like i'm overreacting, but i imagined marrying "kesi", not "billy normal-dude". Even if its in name only.
Whatever happens, i'll still love him. Maybe he could change his name every four years and it'll be like i'm dating a whole new guy! That looks just like my ex... Who had the coolest name.
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