madam's inspiration:
MUSIC
i've always loved music. and i've loved all kinds, except most jazz. i play the violin and have a guitar that i can only toy with. i'm really into foreigners right now: MIA and lady sov are high on my list. and of course i love to dance. dancehall is my groove of choice.
LOST AND BONES
my absolute favorite shows on tv right now. they competed with times last year but now one's at 8 and the other is at 9. both are brilliantly written and make me feel smarter for watching.
UNDIES
i have about 70ish pairs. why? in high school, i got it in my head that no matter what i was wearing/doing, having a cute pair of drawers would make me feel confident. it was my lil secret. they are mostly from vickies (pink line) but occasionally i'll find nice ones from target or marshalls. i'm a fan of innuendo, so i own a few with felix the cat and cookie monster.
WRITING AND BLOGGING
i've been writing since i can remember. the first i can recall was a story about my imaginary pet fish. i was 5. i'm always thinking of new things to blog about, and occasionally stealing ideas...
MY PHONE
its a tmobile SDA. i use it to type most of my entries. also to read all you guys' and listen to music. and text and take pix and play games and im... i always have it on me just in case things get boring. strangely i dont talk on it much...
THE WORK COOKIES
no, that's not a euphemism. my job has the best cookies. i have to put myself on restriction when i feel my addiction is getting out of hand. these things are so good they were part of lauren's birthday present this year.
WRITERS
especially roald dahl, anne rice and chuck palahniuk. they are the best in their respective genres. i would rather read MATILDA, QUEEN OF THE DAMNED or FIGHT CLUB than watch them any day.
BOONDOCKS
i have uncle ruckus singing 'new niggas' as a ring tone. i been reading the strip since high school and have all the books. aaron mcgruder is a genius and inspiration for the comic i have yet to write.
there ya have it. my obsessions.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
i dont even like jelly.
so... i purchased dane cook's RETALIATION on tuesday. funny shit. we've been listening to it in the car since then and cracking up to the point of almost tears.
my favorite is his jokes on "nothing fights," in which a couple pretty much hates each other and picks fights about the dumbest stuff. kesi and i do it for fun, just to get a reaction from people, then we start laughing.
just my luck mr cook's VICIOUS CIRCLE was on hbo friday morning at about 3am and we stayed up and watched it. around the part where he's talking about wanting to have 19 kids, i realize i have a funny-guy crush on him. he's adorable. and i'm so going to see EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH when it comes out.
so anyway you should too. i just want everyone to know he's funny and i think he's cute. the end.
ps: suri cruise is the cutest baby ever. still convinced she will help her dad with that whole antichrist thing... but she's a lil muffin!
my favorite is his jokes on "nothing fights," in which a couple pretty much hates each other and picks fights about the dumbest stuff. kesi and i do it for fun, just to get a reaction from people, then we start laughing.
just my luck mr cook's VICIOUS CIRCLE was on hbo friday morning at about 3am and we stayed up and watched it. around the part where he's talking about wanting to have 19 kids, i realize i have a funny-guy crush on him. he's adorable. and i'm so going to see EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH when it comes out.
so anyway you should too. i just want everyone to know he's funny and i think he's cute. the end.
ps: suri cruise is the cutest baby ever. still convinced she will help her dad with that whole antichrist thing... but she's a lil muffin!
Friday, September 08, 2006
labor day weekend
did you know that if you jump out a hotel window and dont die, you could be charged with destruction of property? yep. but that's monday. lets go back to friday.
if you didnt know, i work in one of the biggest hotels in atlanta. and every labor day we and two other hotels host the biggest sci-fi convention in america. as a people-watcher, this is my favorite weekend to work. here are some pix from this year and last year, of some people dressed in the most elaborate costumes you will ever see.
on friday, the day started off pretty slow. i saw one of my old high school friends, jvoc as i called him, in a yellow ranger costume. his friend was trying to hit on my "not gay" coworker which was funny. he got all stuttery and protested way too much...
we stayed open late and around midnight we started getting the giggles. then a man in a horrible jesus type costume that was too short, he decided to grace us with his presence. and so came a coworker's comment that he could have tried harder. if you looked at my pics you can see that a man in two sheets wasnt winning any costume contests. then his friend walked up. his friend was wearing what could be described as a jiggly puff halter dress. he kept pulling it up as if he had the proper- ahem- accessories to hold up his outfit. then, THEN, he starts singing the jiggly puff song! at which point i am in the back coffee station literally screaming in laughter! i mean i was on the floor. and it was only friday.
saturday was shopping day. i went to work an hour early on a search for a shirt inspired by aqua teen hunger force. for the boy. couldnt find it in his size, so i bought it for myself. before you start calling me selfish, i got him an awesome thundercats shirt which he loves and has worn 22 times since last saturday night. yes that's him modeling it in the photos.
while taking pictures a little later i witnessed an obvious cry for help. a black woman began talking to me. despite the words she said her subtext cried, "hello fellow black person. i was so uncomfortable until you came along. stay with me?" but i rarely feel the discomfort of being the only anything anywhere. and plus it was time to go to work and she smelled a little, as people who wear the same thing three days in a row often do...
a woman came up in an awesome rainbow bright costume. i really wish i'd had a picture of it. she had to have made it. one of my coworkers decided it'd be the perfect outfit for her to wear while giving him a lapdance. i immediately got images of the doll dancing for him. childhood memories tainted. to add to the horror of rainbow bright on a pole, two men came up in their superman costumes and ordered sandwiches. the one in the silver costume had the misfortune of not having that funky red undie thing the classic supe has, and alas, i could see his- ahem- beans and franks. barf. i mean, this is an adult man who might usually have the luxury, during more intimate moments, of more fabric. it was like a car wreck. i could only imagine how classic superman felt about his bud's... attire.
sunday was a great day. i saw lauren, whom i havent seen since april. we did what we usually do, pretty much nothing, but it was nice. we watched wrestling in spanish because kesi hadnt seen it when it aired in english. she made fun of my having cassie as kesi's ringtone. also she laughed at me when the boy didnt catch me and i fell in the laundry basket. i was so happy to see her. probably wont again for 20 years...
sunday was also the last day before my day off. at this point we were out of potato chips and just about anything caffeinated. also all the atms within a three block radius were out of money. fun day. i did see people dressed as the burger king, wendy and the colonel. i was gonna leave early but the hater said her daughter was sick and she left. i dont think the child was sick and but who am i to get in her business, haha? and so i stayed and made my money. and i had the next day off.
when i got back to work on wednesday, there was a nice story there about a man who drove in from ackworth with $8000 and some drugs, got a room got high, and here's where it gets funky: he sliced off part of his calf, threw a table out of his second story window, and jumped. he landed on the tunnel to one of our restaurants and broke the glass on that window. oh yeah, and his back. and clearly didnt succeed in killing himself... and just when life cant suck any more, it does. he's going to jail.
and that was my weekend. and it only took a week to write.
if you didnt know, i work in one of the biggest hotels in atlanta. and every labor day we and two other hotels host the biggest sci-fi convention in america. as a people-watcher, this is my favorite weekend to work. here are some pix from this year and last year, of some people dressed in the most elaborate costumes you will ever see.
on friday, the day started off pretty slow. i saw one of my old high school friends, jvoc as i called him, in a yellow ranger costume. his friend was trying to hit on my "not gay" coworker which was funny. he got all stuttery and protested way too much...
we stayed open late and around midnight we started getting the giggles. then a man in a horrible jesus type costume that was too short, he decided to grace us with his presence. and so came a coworker's comment that he could have tried harder. if you looked at my pics you can see that a man in two sheets wasnt winning any costume contests. then his friend walked up. his friend was wearing what could be described as a jiggly puff halter dress. he kept pulling it up as if he had the proper- ahem- accessories to hold up his outfit. then, THEN, he starts singing the jiggly puff song! at which point i am in the back coffee station literally screaming in laughter! i mean i was on the floor. and it was only friday.
saturday was shopping day. i went to work an hour early on a search for a shirt inspired by aqua teen hunger force. for the boy. couldnt find it in his size, so i bought it for myself. before you start calling me selfish, i got him an awesome thundercats shirt which he loves and has worn 22 times since last saturday night. yes that's him modeling it in the photos.
while taking pictures a little later i witnessed an obvious cry for help. a black woman began talking to me. despite the words she said her subtext cried, "hello fellow black person. i was so uncomfortable until you came along. stay with me?" but i rarely feel the discomfort of being the only anything anywhere. and plus it was time to go to work and she smelled a little, as people who wear the same thing three days in a row often do...
a woman came up in an awesome rainbow bright costume. i really wish i'd had a picture of it. she had to have made it. one of my coworkers decided it'd be the perfect outfit for her to wear while giving him a lapdance. i immediately got images of the doll dancing for him. childhood memories tainted. to add to the horror of rainbow bright on a pole, two men came up in their superman costumes and ordered sandwiches. the one in the silver costume had the misfortune of not having that funky red undie thing the classic supe has, and alas, i could see his- ahem- beans and franks. barf. i mean, this is an adult man who might usually have the luxury, during more intimate moments, of more fabric. it was like a car wreck. i could only imagine how classic superman felt about his bud's... attire.
sunday was a great day. i saw lauren, whom i havent seen since april. we did what we usually do, pretty much nothing, but it was nice. we watched wrestling in spanish because kesi hadnt seen it when it aired in english. she made fun of my having cassie as kesi's ringtone. also she laughed at me when the boy didnt catch me and i fell in the laundry basket. i was so happy to see her. probably wont again for 20 years...
sunday was also the last day before my day off. at this point we were out of potato chips and just about anything caffeinated. also all the atms within a three block radius were out of money. fun day. i did see people dressed as the burger king, wendy and the colonel. i was gonna leave early but the hater said her daughter was sick and she left. i dont think the child was sick and but who am i to get in her business, haha? and so i stayed and made my money. and i had the next day off.
when i got back to work on wednesday, there was a nice story there about a man who drove in from ackworth with $8000 and some drugs, got a room got high, and here's where it gets funky: he sliced off part of his calf, threw a table out of his second story window, and jumped. he landed on the tunnel to one of our restaurants and broke the glass on that window. oh yeah, and his back. and clearly didnt succeed in killing himself... and just when life cant suck any more, it does. he's going to jail.
and that was my weekend. and it only took a week to write.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
no ashanti on this list.
its no secret that i'm scared of lightning. i almost got struck when i was a teen and since then i pretty much need to be under the covers to feel safe. last wednesday i was stuck outside during ernesto's torrent, waiting for kesi to get off work and pick me up. the only thing keeping me from a panicked rage was my music.
*outkast, "Vibrate" "prototype" and "da art of storytellin pt2"
"that's just god doin his work."
*dixie chicks, "changes"
dont judge me! really great remake...
*bjork, homogenic. especially "hunter" and
"all neon like." heavy drums... also, "possibly maybe" from post: "but afterwards i wonder, where's the love you promised me?" deep.
*Erykah badu, "certainly" and "next lifetime"
*busta rhymes, "gimme some more"
the PSYCHO sample goes great with rain.
*deftones, "Lucky you"
this song is just sexy.
*rahiem devaughn, "you"
yes...
*Fiona apple, "Tymps" "oh well" and "pale september"
her voice floats over bad weather.
*incubus, "aqueous transmission"
nice cricket sounds at the end...
*ludacris, "war with god"
unreleased dis track to an unknown rapper. the lady singing does her thing.
*MIA, "amazon"
another song with nature sounds. you could fall asleep if she wasnt talking about being kidnapped...
*maroon 5, "sweetest goodbye"
"how does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone..." pretty good, thanks.
*MCR, "the ghost of you"
*NERD, "provider"
songs about losing love...
*nelly furtado, "Showtime"
"Not fair to love you in chains"
*danity kane "right now"
last but certainly not least...
*TI, "get it"
"cuz i got it bitch."
i was remarkably calm when he finally arrived. the power of music. :)
*outkast, "Vibrate" "prototype" and "da art of storytellin pt2"
"that's just god doin his work."
*dixie chicks, "changes"
dont judge me! really great remake...
*bjork, homogenic. especially "hunter" and
"all neon like." heavy drums... also, "possibly maybe" from post: "but afterwards i wonder, where's the love you promised me?" deep.
*Erykah badu, "certainly" and "next lifetime"
*busta rhymes, "gimme some more"
the PSYCHO sample goes great with rain.
*deftones, "Lucky you"
this song is just sexy.
*rahiem devaughn, "you"
yes...
*Fiona apple, "Tymps" "oh well" and "pale september"
her voice floats over bad weather.
*incubus, "aqueous transmission"
nice cricket sounds at the end...
*ludacris, "war with god"
unreleased dis track to an unknown rapper. the lady singing does her thing.
*MIA, "amazon"
another song with nature sounds. you could fall asleep if she wasnt talking about being kidnapped...
*maroon 5, "sweetest goodbye"
"how does it feel to know you'll never have to be alone..." pretty good, thanks.
*MCR, "the ghost of you"
*NERD, "provider"
songs about losing love...
*nelly furtado, "Showtime"
"Not fair to love you in chains"
*danity kane "right now"
last but certainly not least...
*TI, "get it"
"cuz i got it bitch."
i was remarkably calm when he finally arrived. the power of music. :)
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
look ah that!
i'm back after a long weekend...
if there's one thing i am, its an animal lover. and a lover of fellow animal lovers. so last night at about 3am i was riding home and i read that steve irwin died. the croc hunter. just about the most famous animal guy in the world. the car went sad and quiet while i read aloud what little information was given at the time. he was stabbed by a stingray. died trying to teach us about the animals he loved. you could see it in his eyes, he was passionate about what he did.
the boyfriend and i would watch his show and get all giggly every time he'd say, 'look ah that! what a beaut!' it got to be one of our sayings.
he was 44! my mom is that age. and he's got kids. at least they're old enough to remember him and that he was a good man.
more on my weekend and the biggest sci-fi convention in the US coming soon.
if there's one thing i am, its an animal lover. and a lover of fellow animal lovers. so last night at about 3am i was riding home and i read that steve irwin died. the croc hunter. just about the most famous animal guy in the world. the car went sad and quiet while i read aloud what little information was given at the time. he was stabbed by a stingray. died trying to teach us about the animals he loved. you could see it in his eyes, he was passionate about what he did.
the boyfriend and i would watch his show and get all giggly every time he'd say, 'look ah that! what a beaut!' it got to be one of our sayings.
he was 44! my mom is that age. and he's got kids. at least they're old enough to remember him and that he was a good man.
more on my weekend and the biggest sci-fi convention in the US coming soon.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
it aint always easy...
so about a year ago, i started this blog in the hopes of becoming a better person. through that year, alot has happened which has helped and hindered this goal. i feel i am more the person i need to be, but in some areas i still need help. i started off on this journey because i was afraid of being the reason i'd lose the best thing that ever happened to my life, and lose the future we were making for ourselves. with that said, here's a look at my progress.
me pookie... hi.
him shup. what you doin?
me nothing. definitely not eating. just laying here thinking.
him bout what?
me us. how good you are.
him freak.
me not like that! i been thinking with all the shit going on with me i might not notice if something was going on with you.
him so what you saying?
me i dont know. maybe i'm not paying attention to you. i wouldnt know.
him what made you think about this?
me i dont know. just watching you make music today. and last night you were telling kit you werent inspired to write or something like that.
him well recently i been feeling a little looked over as far as my feelings about doing things.
me what you mean?
him like me not wanting to do something isnt valid anymore. like with the burger king situation.
me i understand. its just hard to see why that would be such a problem if we were going that way. but that's just that situation.
him i really didnt wanna go there. i told you that before. but we did anyway and my brother ended up being late for work and i was feeling anxious and rushed.
me sorry...
we further debate the lack of food choices...
me and i'm generally stressed and get my mind set on something that'll make me feel better.
him but we could have dropped him off and got you something.
me but when i'm told i cant have it i feel bad cuz it doesnt seem like so much to ask for. like the turtle thing. yeah. i'm a brat.
him it isnt. its just that you come at me with this vibe that puts mad pressure on me. its hard.
me i'm sorry babe. i'm a jerk.
i secretly start crying.
him i know that its not that serious but i hate being thrown off by something so small.
me ok. i'll try to do better.
we continue im-ing and joking around. but i dont necessarilly feel settled...
me how will you live with me the rest of your life? i'm crazy. and lucky.
him what you mean?
me i just am. you think growing up in a big family would teach me how to treat people.
him i'll ignore you when you act crazy. learned that from an old couple. in big families everyone's fighting for attention.
me that'll work. i dont know. i just cant get over how absentmindedly i do things.
him yep.
me i just want our relationship to be like new all the time. and i dont want you to feel something and not tell me. i mean, what if i hadnt asked?
i start to cry again.
him then i'da thrown you down some stairs, lol.
me lol. seriously babe.
him yeah. i woulda said something at some point.
me ok. i just want you to be happy with me.
him are you happy with me?
me of course! you make me feel like... i dont know. i didnt used to think i was supposed to be happy. youre my reward for all the shit i endured. i cant fuck it up.
him lol.
me i'm serious. i'm over here hyperventilating over this. i need you.
pause.
me. this is where you say you need me too...
him lol why you hyperventilating?
me i was crying. alot. my nose hurts.
him lol i do need you baby. now stop crying. i thought you was gangsta!
me i am gangsta! i'll cry and whoop your ass while doing it.
him doubt it.
me its just when i think about losing you it really fucks me up.
we continue to talk and joke. we ended on a good note and i'm glad we did or it would have just ate away at me.
so i think i'm getting better. i'm not totally caught off guard by my bad behavior... now if i could only stop it before it happens. this past week i've taken it as a lesson learned and i feel like we've grown. still waiting on that turtle.
i really curse alot huh?
me pookie... hi.
him shup. what you doin?
me nothing. definitely not eating. just laying here thinking.
him bout what?
me us. how good you are.
him freak.
me not like that! i been thinking with all the shit going on with me i might not notice if something was going on with you.
him so what you saying?
me i dont know. maybe i'm not paying attention to you. i wouldnt know.
him what made you think about this?
me i dont know. just watching you make music today. and last night you were telling kit you werent inspired to write or something like that.
him well recently i been feeling a little looked over as far as my feelings about doing things.
me what you mean?
him like me not wanting to do something isnt valid anymore. like with the burger king situation.
me i understand. its just hard to see why that would be such a problem if we were going that way. but that's just that situation.
him i really didnt wanna go there. i told you that before. but we did anyway and my brother ended up being late for work and i was feeling anxious and rushed.
me sorry...
we further debate the lack of food choices...
me and i'm generally stressed and get my mind set on something that'll make me feel better.
him but we could have dropped him off and got you something.
me but when i'm told i cant have it i feel bad cuz it doesnt seem like so much to ask for. like the turtle thing. yeah. i'm a brat.
him it isnt. its just that you come at me with this vibe that puts mad pressure on me. its hard.
me i'm sorry babe. i'm a jerk.
i secretly start crying.
him i know that its not that serious but i hate being thrown off by something so small.
me ok. i'll try to do better.
we continue im-ing and joking around. but i dont necessarilly feel settled...
me how will you live with me the rest of your life? i'm crazy. and lucky.
him what you mean?
me i just am. you think growing up in a big family would teach me how to treat people.
him i'll ignore you when you act crazy. learned that from an old couple. in big families everyone's fighting for attention.
me that'll work. i dont know. i just cant get over how absentmindedly i do things.
him yep.
me i just want our relationship to be like new all the time. and i dont want you to feel something and not tell me. i mean, what if i hadnt asked?
i start to cry again.
him then i'da thrown you down some stairs, lol.
me lol. seriously babe.
him yeah. i woulda said something at some point.
me ok. i just want you to be happy with me.
him are you happy with me?
me of course! you make me feel like... i dont know. i didnt used to think i was supposed to be happy. youre my reward for all the shit i endured. i cant fuck it up.
him lol.
me i'm serious. i'm over here hyperventilating over this. i need you.
pause.
me. this is where you say you need me too...
him lol why you hyperventilating?
me i was crying. alot. my nose hurts.
him lol i do need you baby. now stop crying. i thought you was gangsta!
me i am gangsta! i'll cry and whoop your ass while doing it.
him doubt it.
me its just when i think about losing you it really fucks me up.
we continue to talk and joke. we ended on a good note and i'm glad we did or it would have just ate away at me.
so i think i'm getting better. i'm not totally caught off guard by my bad behavior... now if i could only stop it before it happens. this past week i've taken it as a lesson learned and i feel like we've grown. still waiting on that turtle.
i really curse alot huh?
Saturday, August 26, 2006
chicken pox: a story with no real point.
althea got chicken pox last week. she came back to work with scratch spots all over her. adults still GET chicken pox? gee whiz...
i got chicken pox when i was 7. i may have contracted it at my grandma's funeral. one of my cousins had it and gave it to everyone. but she also lived upstairs from me so i may have been a carrier...
my grandma lula mae was born and raised in monks corner, sc. my grandfather too. as it goes, my mom's dad was born in rome, ga, so i have a deep southern heritage that i try to deny. anyway, monks corner was a 14 hour ride away, on a coach bus with family members who i knew and didnt know. my mom sat in the front and my dad in the back. not because they needed to be separated, but because they werent together anymore and werent bound by compromise to sit near each other. i would bounce back and forth on the bus to one of them or the other, and bug relatives for snacks and to hear what they were listening to on their tape players.
south carolina was CUNTREE! as compared to the biggest city in connecticut, complete with projects and latin gangs, i was in the deep woods. whole new experience. big as crickets and mosquitoes... i swear i had never seen a field before then. a "hills are alive, hey is that corn?" field. i played until dusk with distant cousins and came in the house dark as a tollhouse chocolate chip.
it was there that i smelled the worst smell i'd ever. some meat maybe, boiling on the stove. even with the lid on it filled the house with the stench of death. chitlins. the "c" must be a typo. i asked my mom what it was and she told me intestines. i thought she was joking. ew. i picked at that night's food.
that small town was beautiful. even though i was there to say good bye to my grandma i have really good memories. but that doesnt suprise me. she lives in every scarf or blanket i ever crocheted. its funny, all my life, she was sick. diabetes. she had her leg amputated and her prosthetic would sit next to her when she was watching tv, with a flat black loafer and a knee high stocking. i would touch it and look at her missing lower leg, but i wasnt afraid.
she made great iced tea. it had a whole lemon in it. cut, of course.
so i got chicken pox at her funeral. couldnt go to school for a week, and i actually liked school then. my dad had to take care of us when my mom was at work. we played all day and at one point i climbed into our jennifer couch and made my dad look for me before i jumped out and scared him. i know he was probably thinking my mom was gonna kill him if i wandered out into the street in a fever hallucination. he once sent me back home without bathing me and she's still mad about that.
dont they call it shingles when older people get pox?
i got chicken pox when i was 7. i may have contracted it at my grandma's funeral. one of my cousins had it and gave it to everyone. but she also lived upstairs from me so i may have been a carrier...
my grandma lula mae was born and raised in monks corner, sc. my grandfather too. as it goes, my mom's dad was born in rome, ga, so i have a deep southern heritage that i try to deny. anyway, monks corner was a 14 hour ride away, on a coach bus with family members who i knew and didnt know. my mom sat in the front and my dad in the back. not because they needed to be separated, but because they werent together anymore and werent bound by compromise to sit near each other. i would bounce back and forth on the bus to one of them or the other, and bug relatives for snacks and to hear what they were listening to on their tape players.
south carolina was CUNTREE! as compared to the biggest city in connecticut, complete with projects and latin gangs, i was in the deep woods. whole new experience. big as crickets and mosquitoes... i swear i had never seen a field before then. a "hills are alive, hey is that corn?" field. i played until dusk with distant cousins and came in the house dark as a tollhouse chocolate chip.
it was there that i smelled the worst smell i'd ever. some meat maybe, boiling on the stove. even with the lid on it filled the house with the stench of death. chitlins. the "c" must be a typo. i asked my mom what it was and she told me intestines. i thought she was joking. ew. i picked at that night's food.
that small town was beautiful. even though i was there to say good bye to my grandma i have really good memories. but that doesnt suprise me. she lives in every scarf or blanket i ever crocheted. its funny, all my life, she was sick. diabetes. she had her leg amputated and her prosthetic would sit next to her when she was watching tv, with a flat black loafer and a knee high stocking. i would touch it and look at her missing lower leg, but i wasnt afraid.
she made great iced tea. it had a whole lemon in it. cut, of course.
so i got chicken pox at her funeral. couldnt go to school for a week, and i actually liked school then. my dad had to take care of us when my mom was at work. we played all day and at one point i climbed into our jennifer couch and made my dad look for me before i jumped out and scared him. i know he was probably thinking my mom was gonna kill him if i wandered out into the street in a fever hallucination. he once sent me back home without bathing me and she's still mad about that.
dont they call it shingles when older people get pox?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
hello, pot? this is monica. youre black.
friends, in case you were wondering. one of the funniest lines.
so anyway, i'm at work right now, bloging, cuz in life, bitches be hating. and they always gotta hate over a man. ugh!
it all started with a kind gesture. lets set the scene.
nice chick: i was gonna bring these forms to you. i'm just so kind!
me: thanks. and shallow...(we laugh)... if i
can admit it about myself i can say it about you.
hater: can you admit that youre nosy?
see, right here i could have been like damn who was talking to you. instead, i answered her in my continued lighthearted manner. yes i am nosy, but mostly cuz i'm absent minded and when i tune back in i'm usually lost on the whole conversation whoever was having. they used to call me "Huh" in middle school.
i refused to give in to her passive aggressive silliness. it was highly hypocritical of her to ask me that, when earlier today she was all in mine about why am i going on break so early, and dont i eat at home, and what does anemia have to do with this whole thing... bear in mind i had been at work for 4 hours.
and now the bitches be hating theme song:
"so tell me what you on,
tell me what the hell you want,
need to worry bout your own,
i'm about to put you on blast...
i dont think you really want it..."
danity kane is doin the thang people.
i really think this stems back to her and my friend b. he used to date her, and was the one who said he was torn between kissing her and kicking her. i think she's jealous that we're close and she fucked up her chances with a good man. but i never told him to break up with her. it was obvious he should. but it was hard cuz he really loves her daughter.
now i think she thinks i'm running back to him telling her things. but the truth is, he doesnt care. and she thinks she's being sneaky, talking to like 4 dudes in the hotel, but everyone knows and no one gives a damn. between her and her best friend they are all high school, making their smart comments and spending their time thinking about me and feeling threatened over the fact that i'm cool with their man and former man. and her best friend is not doing a good job of disguising the fact that she's dating someone in our department. boo bitch... i dont want him.
so how long can i let this carry on, her little coy innocent yet snarky thing she's doing? its all just to see me get mad and snap on her so it looks like i'm ms crazy... but i'm a natural born talker, and i know how to have her whole shit laid out for everyone to see. i wouldnt dare incriminate myself so she looks good. i'm to smart for that. and for all she thinks she's got on me, i definitely got something for her.
"breeze... blowing in the wind... baby please believe i'm alright,
cuz its 70 degrees and sunny over here,
you can stay up out my ear."
ps: visit www.laurenashleigh.blogspot.com for other hating bitches.
so anyway, i'm at work right now, bloging, cuz in life, bitches be hating. and they always gotta hate over a man. ugh!
it all started with a kind gesture. lets set the scene.
nice chick: i was gonna bring these forms to you. i'm just so kind!
me: thanks. and shallow...(we laugh)... if i
can admit it about myself i can say it about you.
hater: can you admit that youre nosy?
see, right here i could have been like damn who was talking to you. instead, i answered her in my continued lighthearted manner. yes i am nosy, but mostly cuz i'm absent minded and when i tune back in i'm usually lost on the whole conversation whoever was having. they used to call me "Huh" in middle school.
i refused to give in to her passive aggressive silliness. it was highly hypocritical of her to ask me that, when earlier today she was all in mine about why am i going on break so early, and dont i eat at home, and what does anemia have to do with this whole thing... bear in mind i had been at work for 4 hours.
and now the bitches be hating theme song:
"so tell me what you on,
tell me what the hell you want,
need to worry bout your own,
i'm about to put you on blast...
i dont think you really want it..."
danity kane is doin the thang people.
i really think this stems back to her and my friend b. he used to date her, and was the one who said he was torn between kissing her and kicking her. i think she's jealous that we're close and she fucked up her chances with a good man. but i never told him to break up with her. it was obvious he should. but it was hard cuz he really loves her daughter.
now i think she thinks i'm running back to him telling her things. but the truth is, he doesnt care. and she thinks she's being sneaky, talking to like 4 dudes in the hotel, but everyone knows and no one gives a damn. between her and her best friend they are all high school, making their smart comments and spending their time thinking about me and feeling threatened over the fact that i'm cool with their man and former man. and her best friend is not doing a good job of disguising the fact that she's dating someone in our department. boo bitch... i dont want him.
so how long can i let this carry on, her little coy innocent yet snarky thing she's doing? its all just to see me get mad and snap on her so it looks like i'm ms crazy... but i'm a natural born talker, and i know how to have her whole shit laid out for everyone to see. i wouldnt dare incriminate myself so she looks good. i'm to smart for that. and for all she thinks she's got on me, i definitely got something for her.
"breeze... blowing in the wind... baby please believe i'm alright,
cuz its 70 degrees and sunny over here,
you can stay up out my ear."
ps: visit www.laurenashleigh.blogspot.com for other hating bitches.
Monday, August 21, 2006
retail therapy only works when you have money
so next weekend i was supposed to go to a white party but despite my nag- ahem- asking kesi to request the day off he didnt and he cant go. i was very disappointed because if you notice, everytime i mention going out he's not in those posts. we find it very hard to get the same days off. i still might go, but that's not the point of this entry. the point is i was let down.
today, my day off, i was supposed to get a turtle. i have a $20 petsmart card ready to go but, did you know turtles cost hundreds of dollars? i didnt. i've never had a pet of my own and i was really excited about it being something cool, not like everyone else's dog or cat. i dont have hundreds of dollars and so my sadness continues. i still might get a fish- a few tiny sharks- but once again, not the point.
so i decided to go shop. i also had a $10 target card i was ready to get rid of. but due to my sullenness i spent a half hour wandering around with an empty cart and no real need to buy anything. i had planned to use the card on tank decorations.
i could help one of the problems i was having. at lauren's wise advice, i texted kesi and told him how i was feeling that he didnt listen to me, and that it was part of a bigger problem that had to do with us never going out together. long story short he told me he was sorry and that he loved me, and despite the fact that i might still be spending a night of fun without him, i'm not so distracted by things i didnt say.
with that, i went on a search for work pants. i cant believe things cost more at target than at marshall's all i wanted was black pants. $30! i didnt find pants there, but i did buy my brother some school supplies and get hit on by a guy with a gray beard.
on to marshall's. found a cute skirt for just $3 and an electric blue v-cut sweater that was perfect but too big. i dont think they were supposed to be such a display in the shirt. i sadly put it back after hoping i could find it in my size. i also spied the cutest burgundy pumas, which were so devastatingly hot i took a picture of them. i'm hoping they'll be there when i come back.
i finally found some work pants at ross. stretchy, which is good and bad. they stretch right around my butt and leave nothing to be imagined. but they only cost $8...
after all that i forgot to get bus fare. luckily kesi works really close by.
today, my day off, i was supposed to get a turtle. i have a $20 petsmart card ready to go but, did you know turtles cost hundreds of dollars? i didnt. i've never had a pet of my own and i was really excited about it being something cool, not like everyone else's dog or cat. i dont have hundreds of dollars and so my sadness continues. i still might get a fish- a few tiny sharks- but once again, not the point.
so i decided to go shop. i also had a $10 target card i was ready to get rid of. but due to my sullenness i spent a half hour wandering around with an empty cart and no real need to buy anything. i had planned to use the card on tank decorations.
i could help one of the problems i was having. at lauren's wise advice, i texted kesi and told him how i was feeling that he didnt listen to me, and that it was part of a bigger problem that had to do with us never going out together. long story short he told me he was sorry and that he loved me, and despite the fact that i might still be spending a night of fun without him, i'm not so distracted by things i didnt say.
with that, i went on a search for work pants. i cant believe things cost more at target than at marshall's all i wanted was black pants. $30! i didnt find pants there, but i did buy my brother some school supplies and get hit on by a guy with a gray beard.
on to marshall's. found a cute skirt for just $3 and an electric blue v-cut sweater that was perfect but too big. i dont think they were supposed to be such a display in the shirt. i sadly put it back after hoping i could find it in my size. i also spied the cutest burgundy pumas, which were so devastatingly hot i took a picture of them. i'm hoping they'll be there when i come back.
i finally found some work pants at ross. stretchy, which is good and bad. they stretch right around my butt and leave nothing to be imagined. but they only cost $8...
after all that i forgot to get bus fare. luckily kesi works really close by.
ms new booty
in high school i got on birth control and my breasts got bigger. not that they were small to start with...but the point is that people noticed. i'm not the one to throw it in people's faces (literally or figuratively) but i dont care if they notice.
now in adulthood, my bike butt has returned. it never went away, but i havent actually been on a bike in ages and in ages has anyone but kesi made comments on my rear. until the short shorts.
i have a pair of shorts that literally only covers my ass. i wore them to a concert (if you seen my myspace page you've seen that whole outfit) and looked sexy but not hoochie. but i had to go to the grocery store first...
and so began old guys buying cereal and saying DAMN! as i walked by. since then its like they put out a memo. joy=booty. i'm not used to this! i cant control the butt. its hard to hide or cover up when not in use. at least when i'm at work i'm not cleavage central, but i have to wear lycra pants...
another thing is that my face, body and brain dont match. i had an older guy -who i'm comfortable with- tell me that men his age would hit on me if they talked to me cuz my mind isnt 22. i can hold my own in an intellectual convo. but if he tried to take me somewhere he'd look like a molester cuz my face is too high school. i actually had a very charming 17 year old hit on me at work cuz he thought i was his age. at least he's got taste...
and maybe that explains 32 year old scooter man.
dont get me wrong. i love my body. i'm glad i'm cute. and i always say that if my butt was flat i'd be sad. to which some nearby guy replies, me too.
now in adulthood, my bike butt has returned. it never went away, but i havent actually been on a bike in ages and in ages has anyone but kesi made comments on my rear. until the short shorts.
i have a pair of shorts that literally only covers my ass. i wore them to a concert (if you seen my myspace page you've seen that whole outfit) and looked sexy but not hoochie. but i had to go to the grocery store first...
and so began old guys buying cereal and saying DAMN! as i walked by. since then its like they put out a memo. joy=booty. i'm not used to this! i cant control the butt. its hard to hide or cover up when not in use. at least when i'm at work i'm not cleavage central, but i have to wear lycra pants...
another thing is that my face, body and brain dont match. i had an older guy -who i'm comfortable with- tell me that men his age would hit on me if they talked to me cuz my mind isnt 22. i can hold my own in an intellectual convo. but if he tried to take me somewhere he'd look like a molester cuz my face is too high school. i actually had a very charming 17 year old hit on me at work cuz he thought i was his age. at least he's got taste...
and maybe that explains 32 year old scooter man.
dont get me wrong. i love my body. i'm glad i'm cute. and i always say that if my butt was flat i'd be sad. to which some nearby guy replies, me too.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
i forgot the best one!
naturally...
"you go to bed with an itchy butt, ya wake up with stanky fingers!" a poker playing guest, to which my supervisor replied, "i hate when that happens."
and honorable mention:
"i skeet devon all the time." my other manager today in a meeting. skeet is the noise she makes when she doesnt agree with you.
"you go to bed with an itchy butt, ya wake up with stanky fingers!" a poker playing guest, to which my supervisor replied, "i hate when that happens."
and honorable mention:
"i skeet devon all the time." my other manager today in a meeting. skeet is the noise she makes when she doesnt agree with you.
Friday, August 18, 2006
work-isms
just a few things that cracked me up on the 3 to 12...
"no ma'am." nadia's boyfriend over the speaker phone when she asked him if he would come get her.
"what floor is that on?" many a guest when told we're located on the garden level.
"uh uh boo." me to the loud drunk guests.
"sometimes i wanna kiss her, and sometimes i wanna kick her in the back!" b telling me about his ex, who also works with us.
"i got five kids!" denny anytime people ask her about money, life, general well being...
"i dont do 9 am." me.
"i guess i'll be alright." the guest who BLED ON ME!
"ya'll should stay open til like 3 am." a narcotics anonymous guest when told we'd only be serving coffee until 11.
"sang it, damn it!" a coworker mocking my mother in law.
"you know, i work for the president." a secret service worker who hit on me and subsequently made racist comments about my friend and me.
"who else got a pole in their room?" my supervisor, who has grandkids, and can eat a banana whole.
"6.25?! you take visa?" guests buying cigarettes.
"all the rooms should have one!" a woman mad at the lack of fridges in the 1700 room hotel.
"it's a fantabulicious friday!" My 'not gay' male coworker answering the phone.
"the first man to touch me was an old white guy! i was so confused!" bri talking about her first trip to the gynocologist.
and there are many more...
"no ma'am." nadia's boyfriend over the speaker phone when she asked him if he would come get her.
"what floor is that on?" many a guest when told we're located on the garden level.
"uh uh boo." me to the loud drunk guests.
"sometimes i wanna kiss her, and sometimes i wanna kick her in the back!" b telling me about his ex, who also works with us.
"i got five kids!" denny anytime people ask her about money, life, general well being...
"i dont do 9 am." me.
"i guess i'll be alright." the guest who BLED ON ME!
"ya'll should stay open til like 3 am." a narcotics anonymous guest when told we'd only be serving coffee until 11.
"sang it, damn it!" a coworker mocking my mother in law.
"you know, i work for the president." a secret service worker who hit on me and subsequently made racist comments about my friend and me.
"who else got a pole in their room?" my supervisor, who has grandkids, and can eat a banana whole.
"6.25?! you take visa?" guests buying cigarettes.
"all the rooms should have one!" a woman mad at the lack of fridges in the 1700 room hotel.
"it's a fantabulicious friday!" My 'not gay' male coworker answering the phone.
"the first man to touch me was an old white guy! i was so confused!" bri talking about her first trip to the gynocologist.
and there are many more...
Thursday, August 17, 2006
jinx!
if you havent seen ludacris's making the video, it'll be on friday at 10:30 am. he looks so good.
i been a fan of luda since fat rabbit. he used to be on hot 97 here in atlanta when i was a teen and i'd listen to him every night. i've met him twice. once in a club i was too young to be in, on christmas, while my ex was cheating on me. but it wasnt even a big deal cuz he called me beautiful. swoon...
i'm also a fan of hair. a few posts ago i mentioned that kesi had hair down to his butt. i once told him, before we got together, that i'd marry him and have kids with gorgeous hair. he cut it before his 21st. actually i cut it cuz it was the only thing that would cheer me up about his cutting it. i still have a braid in one of my old diaries.
when he had his hair people said he looked like cris. we might start hearing that again
since luda cut his hair too. lauren thinks i'm i'm a jinx. everyone whose hair i like ends up cutting it. but they both look damn sexy to me. i cant wait for the new cd. drool...
i been a fan of luda since fat rabbit. he used to be on hot 97 here in atlanta when i was a teen and i'd listen to him every night. i've met him twice. once in a club i was too young to be in, on christmas, while my ex was cheating on me. but it wasnt even a big deal cuz he called me beautiful. swoon...
i'm also a fan of hair. a few posts ago i mentioned that kesi had hair down to his butt. i once told him, before we got together, that i'd marry him and have kids with gorgeous hair. he cut it before his 21st. actually i cut it cuz it was the only thing that would cheer me up about his cutting it. i still have a braid in one of my old diaries.
when he had his hair people said he looked like cris. we might start hearing that again
since luda cut his hair too. lauren thinks i'm i'm a jinx. everyone whose hair i like ends up cutting it. but they both look damn sexy to me. i cant wait for the new cd. drool...
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
oh hell no!
so i'm at work, chillin in the shop, when the girl from the bar lounge comes up to me and we chat. but first, backstory:
last winter, she, b, and i went to the bar down the street from our job. we sat in a booth with this guy, who we'll call joe, cuz he had a booth and was alone. while he was with us he made attempts to hit on me but of course i wasnt trying to hear that. besides the obvious reasons, he was hardly my type. stocky and bald, and in case you havent heard kesi once had hair down to his butt. and he's skinny. and the guy wasnt even cute. back to today:
she went to the bar monday night. she tells me he had been asking about me. apparently every time he saw her, he'd ask about me. boo. she repeatedly told him i have a man and am not even thinking about his ass... and this time he listened... and started hitting on her. eh?!? weren't you just trying to long distance holler at her girl? now he switches it up and is telling her how he's a freak and how big he is and bla bla. she was clearly in ew mode.
but here's the best part: after she told him she was hella not interested (Btw she wasnt alone, two other employee guys were with her), they talked and drank and then the bar closed. as she headed to the car he headed to his... scooter.
hold up. this nigga had a scooter? and not like a vespa, no, like a damn kiddie fold up razor scooter. oh, did i mention this bruh is 32? now i am 22, getting long distance hit on by a drunk bald dude on a kiddie scooter! he scooted his way home alone.
but what if she had, against any good judgement, decided to go home with his too old ass? how would she get there? would he have been a gentleman and let her ride while he walked? would both of them fit on it?
oh i lost it. i was in there dying cracking up. dying! i'm in icu right now, in a coma. cuz this nigga is trauma.
last winter, she, b, and i went to the bar down the street from our job. we sat in a booth with this guy, who we'll call joe, cuz he had a booth and was alone. while he was with us he made attempts to hit on me but of course i wasnt trying to hear that. besides the obvious reasons, he was hardly my type. stocky and bald, and in case you havent heard kesi once had hair down to his butt. and he's skinny. and the guy wasnt even cute. back to today:
she went to the bar monday night. she tells me he had been asking about me. apparently every time he saw her, he'd ask about me. boo. she repeatedly told him i have a man and am not even thinking about his ass... and this time he listened... and started hitting on her. eh?!? weren't you just trying to long distance holler at her girl? now he switches it up and is telling her how he's a freak and how big he is and bla bla. she was clearly in ew mode.
but here's the best part: after she told him she was hella not interested (Btw she wasnt alone, two other employee guys were with her), they talked and drank and then the bar closed. as she headed to the car he headed to his... scooter.
hold up. this nigga had a scooter? and not like a vespa, no, like a damn kiddie fold up razor scooter. oh, did i mention this bruh is 32? now i am 22, getting long distance hit on by a drunk bald dude on a kiddie scooter! he scooted his way home alone.
but what if she had, against any good judgement, decided to go home with his too old ass? how would she get there? would he have been a gentleman and let her ride while he walked? would both of them fit on it?
oh i lost it. i was in there dying cracking up. dying! i'm in icu right now, in a coma. cuz this nigga is trauma.
Friday, August 11, 2006
last week's mini vacay.
my homie came to town and we went to the Ga aquarium. biggest in the world. here's a link to the photos i took there, if you like to look at tons of fishies. "Jelly glow" is my phone's wall paper...
we also went to gladys and ron's chicken and waffles. the food was so good i took a picture of that too, but i cant find it for some reason... internal fatness coming out. i probably erased it for pain of memory.
we DIDNT however, jump in the fountain like we were supposed to. he said next time. he will be back next week or something of the sort.
that is all. and yes, la, cassie is a terrible singer.
we also went to gladys and ron's chicken and waffles. the food was so good i took a picture of that too, but i cant find it for some reason... internal fatness coming out. i probably erased it for pain of memory.
we DIDNT however, jump in the fountain like we were supposed to. he said next time. he will be back next week or something of the sort.
that is all. and yes, la, cassie is a terrible singer.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Eh, i'll get to it.
had two days off. today i cleaned my room.
basically my room is the biggest in the house. its the basement, separated into two parts by a wall built by my mom's 'gentleman suitor.' i call him that because he's too old to be called a boyfriend. but i digress.
one part of my room is literally that. where i sleep. its generally clean, except that i'm a nester. there's stuff near my bed. so that was easy. i moved stuff and swept.
but the other part, the den, if you will, is a hot mess. i dont go in there much, since there's no tv in there anymore. and plus my neighbors are disgusting and they infested my yard with rats, so i cant use my private entrance that leads to that part of the room.
and so- hot mess. cobwebs everywhere. my skin was crawling. alot of dust. my problem is that i knew i had to do it but i kept saying, eh, i'll get to it. blah. its not that dirty... but it was.
i've got to stop being a procrastinator. otherwise, i will end up with spiders all over my house.
basically my room is the biggest in the house. its the basement, separated into two parts by a wall built by my mom's 'gentleman suitor.' i call him that because he's too old to be called a boyfriend. but i digress.
one part of my room is literally that. where i sleep. its generally clean, except that i'm a nester. there's stuff near my bed. so that was easy. i moved stuff and swept.
but the other part, the den, if you will, is a hot mess. i dont go in there much, since there's no tv in there anymore. and plus my neighbors are disgusting and they infested my yard with rats, so i cant use my private entrance that leads to that part of the room.
and so- hot mess. cobwebs everywhere. my skin was crawling. alot of dust. my problem is that i knew i had to do it but i kept saying, eh, i'll get to it. blah. its not that dirty... but it was.
i've got to stop being a procrastinator. otherwise, i will end up with spiders all over my house.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
romance vs reality: loose change
finally a day off! now onto change.
change is important. change is good. " i never seen change without a fire." -nelly furtado.
but what is the fascination with changing our mates?
my mom-in-law told me a story about a woman she knows. she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of her apartment, but landed on the grass and survived. when they got her to the hospital they found bruises all over her. she didnt want to tell anyone her boyfriend had been beating her for 9 YEARS.
my theory is that she'd been hoping he'd change. she was too scared to leave so she let him keep doing what he wanted in the hopes that one day he'd tire of it. sometimes its cheating, or lying, or just plain being an idiot. but you keep hoping it'll be ok. eventually... and besides, he loves you!
uh no. that's a fantasy. in reality he's a prick and youre wasting your time. he's not the person you want or need and hoping and wishing that he will be is as fruitful as a rain dance. actually, it'll rain eventually. he'll still be a prick.
then there's the polar opposite. the woman who forces change. you got a nice guy, cute, smart... but something's missing. you know what he offer to be a complete man. and you WILL give it to him. whether he wants it or not. he'll thank you! he loves you!
there was an episode of a british comedy called 'coupling,' in which one of the characters has a new boyfriend. when her friends asked when they could meet him she says, 'when he's finished.' she ended up chasing him away with her nitpicking and attempts to make him 'better.'
deal breakers. what is or isnt. we have to know the difference. change is important, but so is letting things go and be what they are. we all have an image of what love should be but we cant force that into the real world. when we get that, we get the love we deserve.
change is important. change is good. " i never seen change without a fire." -nelly furtado.
but what is the fascination with changing our mates?
my mom-in-law told me a story about a woman she knows. she tried to commit suicide by jumping off the roof of her apartment, but landed on the grass and survived. when they got her to the hospital they found bruises all over her. she didnt want to tell anyone her boyfriend had been beating her for 9 YEARS.
my theory is that she'd been hoping he'd change. she was too scared to leave so she let him keep doing what he wanted in the hopes that one day he'd tire of it. sometimes its cheating, or lying, or just plain being an idiot. but you keep hoping it'll be ok. eventually... and besides, he loves you!
uh no. that's a fantasy. in reality he's a prick and youre wasting your time. he's not the person you want or need and hoping and wishing that he will be is as fruitful as a rain dance. actually, it'll rain eventually. he'll still be a prick.
then there's the polar opposite. the woman who forces change. you got a nice guy, cute, smart... but something's missing. you know what he offer to be a complete man. and you WILL give it to him. whether he wants it or not. he'll thank you! he loves you!
there was an episode of a british comedy called 'coupling,' in which one of the characters has a new boyfriend. when her friends asked when they could meet him she says, 'when he's finished.' she ended up chasing him away with her nitpicking and attempts to make him 'better.'
deal breakers. what is or isnt. we have to know the difference. change is important, but so is letting things go and be what they are. we all have an image of what love should be but we cant force that into the real world. when we get that, we get the love we deserve.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
internally fat.
alton brown is eating a pig's foot. i almost hate him, but he hated it.
i love 'good eats'. i love the food network in general. but especially this show. every night at two i watch alton tell me how to better cook my food. btw, i havent cooked anything other than the ramen noodles i just polished off in a very long time. but i watch him cook because its unbelievably intriguing.
when i was 11 i met a man. his name was steven. he was so smart. and he kept my interest. he made me laugh, and made me smart too. he was a dork but the kind that makes you wanna be just like him. whenever i got bad grades he'd look at me in a way that let me know we both knew i could do better.
this man, steven, is the reason i'm good at math. also, the reason i ended up with such a smart man myself. also, my best friend's stepdad. we call him dad.
alton reminds me of him. he's a smart man who takes the most simple of subjects, melons, for instance, and makes you sit there for a half hour and listen to him talk about why cantelopes are really musk melons in america because you can only find cantelopes in europe.
now i'm watching his new show, feasting on asphalt. he was in savannah- he's from toccoa and tapes mostly in ga- eating a pickled pig's foot as a cultural experiment. he interviews owners of restaurants about their love of food and its effect on their lives and the people around them. great show. must watch.
btw, i'm internally fat because i'm small but i love food. most people think i dont eat. but man- i am a slave to my appetite. i believe in good eats.
i love 'good eats'. i love the food network in general. but especially this show. every night at two i watch alton tell me how to better cook my food. btw, i havent cooked anything other than the ramen noodles i just polished off in a very long time. but i watch him cook because its unbelievably intriguing.
when i was 11 i met a man. his name was steven. he was so smart. and he kept my interest. he made me laugh, and made me smart too. he was a dork but the kind that makes you wanna be just like him. whenever i got bad grades he'd look at me in a way that let me know we both knew i could do better.
this man, steven, is the reason i'm good at math. also, the reason i ended up with such a smart man myself. also, my best friend's stepdad. we call him dad.
alton reminds me of him. he's a smart man who takes the most simple of subjects, melons, for instance, and makes you sit there for a half hour and listen to him talk about why cantelopes are really musk melons in america because you can only find cantelopes in europe.
now i'm watching his new show, feasting on asphalt. he was in savannah- he's from toccoa and tapes mostly in ga- eating a pickled pig's foot as a cultural experiment. he interviews owners of restaurants about their love of food and its effect on their lives and the people around them. great show. must watch.
btw, i'm internally fat because i'm small but i love food. most people think i dont eat. but man- i am a slave to my appetite. i believe in good eats.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
romance vs reality part one: the mary syndrome
dear woman, is this you?
-confident
-cute girl next door who can clean up nice.
-friendly despite what the haters say.
-so unpretentious you've been accused of being a lesbian.
-the one with more male friends than female.
thats just a few- the list goes on but i will not. you have it: the mary syndrome.
we've all seen "there's something about mary," right? they all loved her. she was the object of many men's affections because she was so different from every other girl. all she was was herself. i call it a syndrome not because its a bad thing, but because youre born with it. i have it. lauren does too. that's why bitches be hatin.
this brings me to my heading.
romance. shockingly this refers to the males. its a fantasy. you give them a compliment. put your head on their shoulder. smile and joke. next thing you know theyre in love with you. and you are stuck with the scooby face. you know the one. the one that makes you go, rorgh?
reality. you thought they smelled good that day. you were actually playing cute for the other guy by putting your head on his shoulder. it was a funny joke!
ok, yeah sometimes you flirt. but quite never the syndrome makes your flirt indistinguishable from general niceties. and youre already a pretty girl, and since they've already pictured you naked, your flirting or not flirting turns them into a man milkshake. and not a good one, but one that is melted and sticky.
you manage to make many male friends. they all admit that at one point they had a crush on you. either that or you and he have dated, kissed or had a quick fling that didnt work out as planned. this is the origin of your guy friends: guys who at one point or another wanted you. or are gay. you spend your time trying to find them a girlfriend who will almost surely be jealous of you and him and this friendship you share. if she gets over it, she's marriage material.
ever notice they never try to hook you up with guys? that would ruin the dream. that one day you'll realize you want him and he'll have just what he wants: a best friend he can have sex with and instead of cuddling with after, play San Andreas with.
kesi and i were friends. he even liked one of my friends before me and i encouraged her to try and date him. i implied before that he was just waiting for me to become single but i dont really completely believe that. the good thing about this syndrome is that you are confident enough to make the first move. it has its successes, because you have the fortune of getting to know someone before you make a commitment. this ensures an honest foundation and less arguements.
embrace this phenomenon. you have an allure. it is a gift.
stay tuned for part 2- on the theory of change and why we feel so strongly about it.
-confident
-cute girl next door who can clean up nice.
-friendly despite what the haters say.
-so unpretentious you've been accused of being a lesbian.
-the one with more male friends than female.
thats just a few- the list goes on but i will not. you have it: the mary syndrome.
we've all seen "there's something about mary," right? they all loved her. she was the object of many men's affections because she was so different from every other girl. all she was was herself. i call it a syndrome not because its a bad thing, but because youre born with it. i have it. lauren does too. that's why bitches be hatin.
this brings me to my heading.
romance. shockingly this refers to the males. its a fantasy. you give them a compliment. put your head on their shoulder. smile and joke. next thing you know theyre in love with you. and you are stuck with the scooby face. you know the one. the one that makes you go, rorgh?
reality. you thought they smelled good that day. you were actually playing cute for the other guy by putting your head on his shoulder. it was a funny joke!
ok, yeah sometimes you flirt. but quite never the syndrome makes your flirt indistinguishable from general niceties. and youre already a pretty girl, and since they've already pictured you naked, your flirting or not flirting turns them into a man milkshake. and not a good one, but one that is melted and sticky.
you manage to make many male friends. they all admit that at one point they had a crush on you. either that or you and he have dated, kissed or had a quick fling that didnt work out as planned. this is the origin of your guy friends: guys who at one point or another wanted you. or are gay. you spend your time trying to find them a girlfriend who will almost surely be jealous of you and him and this friendship you share. if she gets over it, she's marriage material.
ever notice they never try to hook you up with guys? that would ruin the dream. that one day you'll realize you want him and he'll have just what he wants: a best friend he can have sex with and instead of cuddling with after, play San Andreas with.
kesi and i were friends. he even liked one of my friends before me and i encouraged her to try and date him. i implied before that he was just waiting for me to become single but i dont really completely believe that. the good thing about this syndrome is that you are confident enough to make the first move. it has its successes, because you have the fortune of getting to know someone before you make a commitment. this ensures an honest foundation and less arguements.
embrace this phenomenon. you have an allure. it is a gift.
stay tuned for part 2- on the theory of change and why we feel so strongly about it.
putting my 2cent in.
its 4 am and i cant sleep. i been thinking and i need to get this out.
i am fortunate enough to have 4 best friends. kesi, of course, lauren, a man who i call X on this blog (See post 2 way back when), and my newest, b, my club buddy. this deals with la and X.
no matter that people's intentions are toward me, when they cross my friends, we cant hang. la and X and i have a very close bond. a network of sorts where we know whats happening in each other's lives and where if it affects one, it affects us all.
this week one got affected. the affectee disrespected X so that it even hurt my feelings. and la's, and she got deep. you read it. and then the affectee disrespected la while attempting to and stated that she had 'nothing but love' for me. but that cant be true. affectee hates 40% of my circle.
i dont have to defend them. they do a good job on their own. but anyone who has a best friend knows they hold grudges long after you've let go. protective instinct. so i'm holding. and its unfortunate. bros before hos.
ps: if you have class you never have to tell anyone about it. to mention it 'negates the breezy.' lauren knows what that means. thats why she's the only chick in my circle.
i am fortunate enough to have 4 best friends. kesi, of course, lauren, a man who i call X on this blog (See post 2 way back when), and my newest, b, my club buddy. this deals with la and X.
no matter that people's intentions are toward me, when they cross my friends, we cant hang. la and X and i have a very close bond. a network of sorts where we know whats happening in each other's lives and where if it affects one, it affects us all.
this week one got affected. the affectee disrespected X so that it even hurt my feelings. and la's, and she got deep. you read it. and then the affectee disrespected la while attempting to and stated that she had 'nothing but love' for me. but that cant be true. affectee hates 40% of my circle.
i dont have to defend them. they do a good job on their own. but anyone who has a best friend knows they hold grudges long after you've let go. protective instinct. so i'm holding. and its unfortunate. bros before hos.
ps: if you have class you never have to tell anyone about it. to mention it 'negates the breezy.' lauren knows what that means. thats why she's the only chick in my circle.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
the heart is like a marching band. i'm a fan in the stands.
one month and one week. it was a tuesday.
we were headed to oz, the best pizza place in atlanta, also conveniently located next to the subway station we'd need to go to to get home from school.
we'd sit at the high, bar style tables by the window. that way our bookbags could sit in the sills and not touch the floor. two cheese slices for him, one for me. and share a root beer. its possible we'd have a staring contest that day, though who won is lost in history. we're locked in a tie right now. he never wants a tie breaker, lol. this was 4 years ago mind you.
after eating and talking we'd always retreat to the coffee house section with the ugly but comfortable green chairs. in the one that faced the street, we'd sit and watch traffic until it was time for him to go. of course we'd talk and make out a little. but mostly watch people go by.
this particular day, in the quiet of the room, watching people walk and drive, i got to thinking. about how, in this one month and one week, i'd been happier than in two years with the ex who'd inevitably let me down. with the man who let me sit on his lap after every other school day, sometimes watched me fall asleep and never complained about my being too heavy or his leg cramps, i'd had the most innocent fun. nothing was ever expected of me. he just wanted me to be there.
and here we were, him staring out the picture window, oblivious, me with my head on his shoulder looking deeply at the bricks, trying so hard not to... but i did.
i started to cry. ok, like weep. but the fact is, no one ever sees me cry. no matter if we were friends for three years beforehand.
"what's wrong?" he looked so concerned.
"i'm scared."
"why?"
"i think i love you."
that's right. i quoted david cassidy. cheesy but all true.
and he just held me. he smiled a little. he wiped the tears from my eyes. i told him he didnt have to say it back. thats how i really knew i meant it. i wasnt looking for validation. just understanding. i calmed down and we stared out the window a little longer before we left. i felt a little embarrassed but very light. i almost started crying again on the bus home, as i almost did as i type this.
one month, one week, one day. he says it back. said he wanted to wait a day so it didnt seem like he was just saying it.
we were headed to oz, the best pizza place in atlanta, also conveniently located next to the subway station we'd need to go to to get home from school.
we'd sit at the high, bar style tables by the window. that way our bookbags could sit in the sills and not touch the floor. two cheese slices for him, one for me. and share a root beer. its possible we'd have a staring contest that day, though who won is lost in history. we're locked in a tie right now. he never wants a tie breaker, lol. this was 4 years ago mind you.
after eating and talking we'd always retreat to the coffee house section with the ugly but comfortable green chairs. in the one that faced the street, we'd sit and watch traffic until it was time for him to go. of course we'd talk and make out a little. but mostly watch people go by.
this particular day, in the quiet of the room, watching people walk and drive, i got to thinking. about how, in this one month and one week, i'd been happier than in two years with the ex who'd inevitably let me down. with the man who let me sit on his lap after every other school day, sometimes watched me fall asleep and never complained about my being too heavy or his leg cramps, i'd had the most innocent fun. nothing was ever expected of me. he just wanted me to be there.
and here we were, him staring out the picture window, oblivious, me with my head on his shoulder looking deeply at the bricks, trying so hard not to... but i did.
i started to cry. ok, like weep. but the fact is, no one ever sees me cry. no matter if we were friends for three years beforehand.
"what's wrong?" he looked so concerned.
"i'm scared."
"why?"
"i think i love you."
that's right. i quoted david cassidy. cheesy but all true.
and he just held me. he smiled a little. he wiped the tears from my eyes. i told him he didnt have to say it back. thats how i really knew i meant it. i wasnt looking for validation. just understanding. i calmed down and we stared out the window a little longer before we left. i felt a little embarrassed but very light. i almost started crying again on the bus home, as i almost did as i type this.
one month, one week, one day. he says it back. said he wanted to wait a day so it didnt seem like he was just saying it.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
love list.
once again, the majority of these will be things, not people...you can tell by my blog who i love.
*the snickers commercial with the two guys singing.
*the victoria's secret pink line.
* the word awesome.
*the fact that kesi makes fun of me and i can laugh at it too. we saw a deer and i got scared and he said i had 4 heart attacks.
* the world series of pop culture.
*the language i share with my friends.
*blue doritos.
*music in general.
*blender magazine.
*my phone, a t-mobile sda that cost my left foot
*the cape verdean flag. and the country for that matter.
*knives- though i cut my finger a few days ago.
*plastic surgery shows.
*ihop.
*grafitti.
*animals, any kind really. as long as they're smaller than me.
*timbaland's music. best producer evah.
*summertime.
*the beach.
*t-shirts with words on them.
*dragon-con. only a month til it comes back around!
*toddlers running and smiling.
*Drunk friends.
*my house, in spite of my dirty neighbors.
*lost.
*portishead and bjork.
*all you guys' blogs.
*The smell of cartier basier du dragon. and glow.
of course there's more, but i could probably go on for so long this would never get published. after doing a hate list i had to do a love list. especially since i'm faultfully optimistic.
*the snickers commercial with the two guys singing.
*the victoria's secret pink line.
* the word awesome.
*the fact that kesi makes fun of me and i can laugh at it too. we saw a deer and i got scared and he said i had 4 heart attacks.
* the world series of pop culture.
*the language i share with my friends.
*blue doritos.
*music in general.
*blender magazine.
*my phone, a t-mobile sda that cost my left foot
*the cape verdean flag. and the country for that matter.
*knives- though i cut my finger a few days ago.
*plastic surgery shows.
*ihop.
*grafitti.
*animals, any kind really. as long as they're smaller than me.
*timbaland's music. best producer evah.
*summertime.
*the beach.
*t-shirts with words on them.
*dragon-con. only a month til it comes back around!
*toddlers running and smiling.
*Drunk friends.
*my house, in spite of my dirty neighbors.
*lost.
*portishead and bjork.
*all you guys' blogs.
*The smell of cartier basier du dragon. and glow.
of course there's more, but i could probably go on for so long this would never get published. after doing a hate list i had to do a love list. especially since i'm faultfully optimistic.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
love and marriage...
unlike my blog homie jameil, i so wanna get married. i think the boy and i started talking about it 6 months in. please note we had been friends for 3 or so years by then. i even remember one day seeing his uncle at burger king and being introed as his fiance, just to see how uncle would react. that day i told him he was not allowed to propose in the fast food joint.
so what's keeping us? money. we are two broke college students with full time jobs and hella bills. we would not be able to afford the momentous event that would be the wedding i have planned in my head. i always say the only thing that would let me get married now is the lottery. and i dont play.
we've had a few friends get married since high school. all of them are divorced. i think we could've suffered the same fate if we were in a hurry. but having a "boyfriend" for the past four years is great and allows us to still grow separately and together. but now i'm confident in saying the only thing keeping me from marrying him is circumstance.
my friend brandi is getting married in a few months. i think she's prepared. i'm excited for her. i've also known her for 7 years- she introduced me to kesi- and seen her go from who she was then to who she is now, and the way she talks about her guy, its more than a whim, or a duty, or anything thats not complete. i'm looking for a cute green dress to wear to the ceremony so i wont clash.
i'm glad that my parents didnt get married. they dont belong together that way. they are great as friends and can talk and joke, but as a couple, my ma is way more mature than my dad. he left to get some tools and we havent seen him since yesterday. he'd do that when they were together too, and of course, arguements insued. (side note: i do the same thing, but seeing how it bugs her, i try to call and say i'm not coming home.) but now she doesnt care other than getting her sink fixed. plus my dad still tells people he's 17. which is believable, despite having a 22 year old daughter.
love and marriage. sigh. i dont think it should be an institution cuz its not for everyone. but someday it'll be for me.
so what's keeping us? money. we are two broke college students with full time jobs and hella bills. we would not be able to afford the momentous event that would be the wedding i have planned in my head. i always say the only thing that would let me get married now is the lottery. and i dont play.
we've had a few friends get married since high school. all of them are divorced. i think we could've suffered the same fate if we were in a hurry. but having a "boyfriend" for the past four years is great and allows us to still grow separately and together. but now i'm confident in saying the only thing keeping me from marrying him is circumstance.
my friend brandi is getting married in a few months. i think she's prepared. i'm excited for her. i've also known her for 7 years- she introduced me to kesi- and seen her go from who she was then to who she is now, and the way she talks about her guy, its more than a whim, or a duty, or anything thats not complete. i'm looking for a cute green dress to wear to the ceremony so i wont clash.
i'm glad that my parents didnt get married. they dont belong together that way. they are great as friends and can talk and joke, but as a couple, my ma is way more mature than my dad. he left to get some tools and we havent seen him since yesterday. he'd do that when they were together too, and of course, arguements insued. (side note: i do the same thing, but seeing how it bugs her, i try to call and say i'm not coming home.) but now she doesnt care other than getting her sink fixed. plus my dad still tells people he's 17. which is believable, despite having a 22 year old daughter.
love and marriage. sigh. i dont think it should be an institution cuz its not for everyone. but someday it'll be for me.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Some things that's going on.
1. my dad's in town. he's staying in the guest room, at least until my mom finishes having him fix stuff. then he'll probably head to my aunt's house. not that my mom is kicking him out... a bug- a big one- crawled on my hand last night and he came running downstairs to kill it. i screamed my face off, but he noted that i wouldnt hang up the phone or even drop it. that was kind of nice that he rescued me, lol.
2. lauren tells me every day how much she hates houston. i hate it too. i wish she could come live here. she could, but two broke people does not a plane ticket make.
3. went out again last friday. i'm really bummed that i cant see kid capri this friday. my job is staying open an extra two hours for TD jakes mega fest. its a documented fact that church groups are terrible tippers. but i'll be working 54 hours this week. back to the club- fun times. some guy put his boner on my stomach while we were dancing. needless to say i didnt dance with him no more. ew.
4. i hate on that rihanna song but if i cheated on my man it'd probably kill him too. and i'm sorry, but that cassie song is a tad whorish. the guys heard she was good? who told? but its good to dance to. and beyonce! her video is insane! lauren, that's your ringtone. whoo!
5. i spent saturday and sunday morning with kesi. i felt like i hadnt seen him in ages, when it was really only a week. took goofy pix of him asleep. ah, love.
6. i cant wait for dom to get here so we can run through the fountain in centennial olympic park. i'm saving the moment for the two of us.
2. lauren tells me every day how much she hates houston. i hate it too. i wish she could come live here. she could, but two broke people does not a plane ticket make.
3. went out again last friday. i'm really bummed that i cant see kid capri this friday. my job is staying open an extra two hours for TD jakes mega fest. its a documented fact that church groups are terrible tippers. but i'll be working 54 hours this week. back to the club- fun times. some guy put his boner on my stomach while we were dancing. needless to say i didnt dance with him no more. ew.
4. i hate on that rihanna song but if i cheated on my man it'd probably kill him too. and i'm sorry, but that cassie song is a tad whorish. the guys heard she was good? who told? but its good to dance to. and beyonce! her video is insane! lauren, that's your ringtone. whoo!
5. i spent saturday and sunday morning with kesi. i felt like i hadnt seen him in ages, when it was really only a week. took goofy pix of him asleep. ah, love.
6. i cant wait for dom to get here so we can run through the fountain in centennial olympic park. i'm saving the moment for the two of us.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
the more i think about it,
the funnier, or at least more interesting this story is. so i'm telling it. last friday i went to the club. with:
b, my best work friend and the guy who drives me home when i dont wanna take the train.
bri, new chick at work who's as cute- and smart- as a button.
marcia, a night shift regular who feels my pain, and my love of reggae.
denny, a morning shifter from the usvi who has breathing problems and a mantra: i got five kids!
and nadia, also from the islands, whose birthday it was, and who wanted to go out despite not dancing with ANYONE but b.
so friday night we leave work at record time. the royal peacock closes at 4am but we want to have as much fun as a $20 can legally get ya. despite the fact that the club is only a few blocks away, we have to go all the way to nadia's to pick her and denny up.
we get there at about 12:30. i'm the first one dressed in my cute new extra long pink tank and shorts i refer to as "jeans underwear." accessorized with a multicolored sash worn as a belt and a vickie's bra you can almost see through my shirt. whoo that girl was smokin.
an hour, a plum and an orange soda later and we're outa there. we find parking easily and discuss why guys think yelling out a car window is supposed to make a girl with any sense want to answer. we also discussed how b looked like a pimp with 5 scantily clad girls walking down auburn ave with him.
we enter the club after being frisked, wristbanded and serenaded by a toothless crack head singing "i wanna sex you up." we head for the bar and everyone gets a drink including b and bri, who are a litte less than legal.
the music is bumping. many reggae songs i've only heard once. but all it takes is for me to finish my double of malibu- lauren's influence- to get loose enough to dance. and in a reggae club all it takes is a girl with her ass wiggling to magnetize some dude(s).
i'm dancing. bri's dancing, and she's looking like she's gonna be in a video next week. but the guys like it. nadia is of course dancing with b and the others are getting their individual grooves on. we see j, another islander who works downstairs from us. he's wearing just a white a-shirt. and he's muscles for days. and he can dance, naturally.
about this time, mr straight from a beanie man video comes up. we dance. he tries to one up me but i'm right with him. at some point he attempts to take me to the floor rump shaker style, and manages to land flat on his ass. my friends see this and do the point and laugh. needless to say he didnt wanna dance with me anymore.
j tells me he respects me. oh, so you didnt before? i tell him i grew up around jamaicans and he seems impressed. haha. so we dance and he seems more impressed.
bri starts telling guys i'm her girlfriend so she wouldnt have to dance with them. i do a very unconvincing job of making them believe it. but seeing how i'm not a lesbian...
denny had to work at 6:30 am. at about 3, she went to sit down. and directly fell asleep. asleep! mouth open, maybe some drool. in a club of bumping music. she has apnea so she's constantly nodding off. but this did it. i've never seen anyone full on snore in a club.
so 4:15 rolls around and the lights come on. actually they'd been on for a few minutes but they didnt start playing slow music until then. so we got on the highway, opting to go to bri's house first cuz she lived the farthest away, near six flags. only one problem: she really had no idea where she lived.
we drove around for almost an hour. from camp creek, the fairburn side, to cascade road and back. i'd like all of you with sidekicks, blackberrys, and the new sda like mine, to pat yourselves on the back. you will never have to worry about a drunk 19 year old who doesnt know how to get home. please visit mapquest.com to see how not close those things are to each other.
once we have an affirmed way to her house, we stop at a gas station. he made bri pay for the gas. looking back, this must have been the moment b really looked like a pimp. me in my booty shorts and nadia in her ridiculously short skirt went to the store to get food with b. some guy asked me how old i was. "Old enough not to answer you." b told me to stay until nadia finished.
we take bri home. she also has to work soon and mentions cheerios as she stumbles to the door. we drop marcia off but she cant get inside at 6am and opts to sleep in her car. next is nadia and denny, who live near me. and i get home and go straight to bed. i too have to work later that day.
i left my voice somewhere at that club and still havent really gotten it back. everyone made it to work saturday but bri. she and the cheerios had a fight. they won. we're going back the 21st to see kid capri. i loves him.
b, my best work friend and the guy who drives me home when i dont wanna take the train.
bri, new chick at work who's as cute- and smart- as a button.
marcia, a night shift regular who feels my pain, and my love of reggae.
denny, a morning shifter from the usvi who has breathing problems and a mantra: i got five kids!
and nadia, also from the islands, whose birthday it was, and who wanted to go out despite not dancing with ANYONE but b.
so friday night we leave work at record time. the royal peacock closes at 4am but we want to have as much fun as a $20 can legally get ya. despite the fact that the club is only a few blocks away, we have to go all the way to nadia's to pick her and denny up.
we get there at about 12:30. i'm the first one dressed in my cute new extra long pink tank and shorts i refer to as "jeans underwear." accessorized with a multicolored sash worn as a belt and a vickie's bra you can almost see through my shirt. whoo that girl was smokin.
an hour, a plum and an orange soda later and we're outa there. we find parking easily and discuss why guys think yelling out a car window is supposed to make a girl with any sense want to answer. we also discussed how b looked like a pimp with 5 scantily clad girls walking down auburn ave with him.
we enter the club after being frisked, wristbanded and serenaded by a toothless crack head singing "i wanna sex you up." we head for the bar and everyone gets a drink including b and bri, who are a litte less than legal.
the music is bumping. many reggae songs i've only heard once. but all it takes is for me to finish my double of malibu- lauren's influence- to get loose enough to dance. and in a reggae club all it takes is a girl with her ass wiggling to magnetize some dude(s).
i'm dancing. bri's dancing, and she's looking like she's gonna be in a video next week. but the guys like it. nadia is of course dancing with b and the others are getting their individual grooves on. we see j, another islander who works downstairs from us. he's wearing just a white a-shirt. and he's muscles for days. and he can dance, naturally.
about this time, mr straight from a beanie man video comes up. we dance. he tries to one up me but i'm right with him. at some point he attempts to take me to the floor rump shaker style, and manages to land flat on his ass. my friends see this and do the point and laugh. needless to say he didnt wanna dance with me anymore.
j tells me he respects me. oh, so you didnt before? i tell him i grew up around jamaicans and he seems impressed. haha. so we dance and he seems more impressed.
bri starts telling guys i'm her girlfriend so she wouldnt have to dance with them. i do a very unconvincing job of making them believe it. but seeing how i'm not a lesbian...
denny had to work at 6:30 am. at about 3, she went to sit down. and directly fell asleep. asleep! mouth open, maybe some drool. in a club of bumping music. she has apnea so she's constantly nodding off. but this did it. i've never seen anyone full on snore in a club.
so 4:15 rolls around and the lights come on. actually they'd been on for a few minutes but they didnt start playing slow music until then. so we got on the highway, opting to go to bri's house first cuz she lived the farthest away, near six flags. only one problem: she really had no idea where she lived.
we drove around for almost an hour. from camp creek, the fairburn side, to cascade road and back. i'd like all of you with sidekicks, blackberrys, and the new sda like mine, to pat yourselves on the back. you will never have to worry about a drunk 19 year old who doesnt know how to get home. please visit mapquest.com to see how not close those things are to each other.
once we have an affirmed way to her house, we stop at a gas station. he made bri pay for the gas. looking back, this must have been the moment b really looked like a pimp. me in my booty shorts and nadia in her ridiculously short skirt went to the store to get food with b. some guy asked me how old i was. "Old enough not to answer you." b told me to stay until nadia finished.
we take bri home. she also has to work soon and mentions cheerios as she stumbles to the door. we drop marcia off but she cant get inside at 6am and opts to sleep in her car. next is nadia and denny, who live near me. and i get home and go straight to bed. i too have to work later that day.
i left my voice somewhere at that club and still havent really gotten it back. everyone made it to work saturday but bri. she and the cheerios had a fight. they won. we're going back the 21st to see kid capri. i loves him.
Friday, July 07, 2006
body movin'
so kesi and i went on our first date in a while. usually we meet up after work and watch tv. we had the option of the water park, the aquarium, and the bodies exhibit. it rained yesterday, and the aquarium aint going anywhere, so he chose the exhibit.
it was awesome. i wouldnt say fun, cuz it wasnt like the discovery museum, but it was enlightening. there were little facts on the walls about the body, like that the tongue may have a taste for msg.
the rooms were separated into different subjects: muscles, brain, other organs, males and females, babies, diseases. it was all nicely done. none of it was, like, splayed out. i went on a little tangent about how small the uterus was, despite the fact that it holds babies.
speaking of, they gave you the option of not going into the room where the babies were. i didnt wanna miss anything though. the lights were low in there. it was very reverent. i wont talk about it- i been sitting here trying to figure what to say that wouldnt sound morbid or insensitive. but know it wasnt disturbing and i left feeling smarter.
my favorite room was the reproductive room. you walk in to two cases, one with female sex organs and one with male. then there was a male body posed so you can see how things are 'positioned,' and god bless him that guy had nothing going for him. fyi: kesi pointed that fact out. i merely agreed.
the woman was in half, since all our stuff is internal. there was also a display of breasts where you could see the milk ducts that grossed me out cuz they're literally holes. seeing that was worse that seeing the cancerous lungs.
at the end, next to the whale spine bone the size of a propeler, there was a chick in a lab coat standing at a table. wednesday i had an arguement with a coworker about where they got the bodies for the exhibit. he said they stole them. which doesnt even make sense cuz you have to get a body before it really starts to decay. the woman said they came from japan, which has the same rules and ethics for the bodies as we do here. if they are unclaimed within three days they get sent to to medical schools to be studied, or become a part of an innovative american exhibit. its pretty sad that no one knows who these people are.
and we left. i really connected to the exhibit. i know because i would look at some part and touch that part of my body or move it. it was one of the best dates we've been on. go see it if you can. i'm sure it will inspire many to take care of ourselves and put some more good doctors in this world.
it was awesome. i wouldnt say fun, cuz it wasnt like the discovery museum, but it was enlightening. there were little facts on the walls about the body, like that the tongue may have a taste for msg.
the rooms were separated into different subjects: muscles, brain, other organs, males and females, babies, diseases. it was all nicely done. none of it was, like, splayed out. i went on a little tangent about how small the uterus was, despite the fact that it holds babies.
speaking of, they gave you the option of not going into the room where the babies were. i didnt wanna miss anything though. the lights were low in there. it was very reverent. i wont talk about it- i been sitting here trying to figure what to say that wouldnt sound morbid or insensitive. but know it wasnt disturbing and i left feeling smarter.
my favorite room was the reproductive room. you walk in to two cases, one with female sex organs and one with male. then there was a male body posed so you can see how things are 'positioned,' and god bless him that guy had nothing going for him. fyi: kesi pointed that fact out. i merely agreed.
the woman was in half, since all our stuff is internal. there was also a display of breasts where you could see the milk ducts that grossed me out cuz they're literally holes. seeing that was worse that seeing the cancerous lungs.
at the end, next to the whale spine bone the size of a propeler, there was a chick in a lab coat standing at a table. wednesday i had an arguement with a coworker about where they got the bodies for the exhibit. he said they stole them. which doesnt even make sense cuz you have to get a body before it really starts to decay. the woman said they came from japan, which has the same rules and ethics for the bodies as we do here. if they are unclaimed within three days they get sent to to medical schools to be studied, or become a part of an innovative american exhibit. its pretty sad that no one knows who these people are.
and we left. i really connected to the exhibit. i know because i would look at some part and touch that part of my body or move it. it was one of the best dates we've been on. go see it if you can. i'm sure it will inspire many to take care of ourselves and put some more good doctors in this world.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
you ever been broke put your hands up...
so of course that song's playing when i get in the car. field mob's 1st album. i cant put my hands any higher.
yesterday i found out i need a cosigner for my student loan. this after weeks of thinking the one i had was approved. so now i'm behind. what's really effed up is that i cant apply for the hope grant unless i get a student loan in line.
school starts in 11 days. i really dont think i'll be going. besides the fact i'm still trying to get my money stuff in order, there's a $250 late fee. i'll be damned! i.no wait three months, cuz i dont have that kind of cheese.
my mom just left her job. they're being sued for misappropriation of funds. they didnt find out until a lawyer called and my ma picked up the phone. they were just gonna lead everyone to think everything was fine until the company was gone.
so i'm the only person in the house with a job. sigh.
when will people give me money just for being cute and needy?
yesterday i found out i need a cosigner for my student loan. this after weeks of thinking the one i had was approved. so now i'm behind. what's really effed up is that i cant apply for the hope grant unless i get a student loan in line.
school starts in 11 days. i really dont think i'll be going. besides the fact i'm still trying to get my money stuff in order, there's a $250 late fee. i'll be damned! i.no wait three months, cuz i dont have that kind of cheese.
my mom just left her job. they're being sued for misappropriation of funds. they didnt find out until a lawyer called and my ma picked up the phone. they were just gonna lead everyone to think everything was fine until the company was gone.
so i'm the only person in the house with a job. sigh.
when will people give me money just for being cute and needy?
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
holla.
remember that episode where will and grace have that wierd neighbor ned and grace mumbles at him so she doesnt have to commit to him?
scene: me on the train writing my entry on ethnicity which i wrote already and managed to mysteriously erase from my phone) i'm annoyed at trying to remember what i wrote.
him: hi.
me: mmmhmm
him: what's your name? (i shrug) oh you dont have a name? (i say nothing) where you going?
me: work.
him: oh yeah, where? i'll come buy something. (i stare into my phone) where you work?
me: i'm not going to answer you so stop asking me stuff.
him: i'm tryin to be nice.
me: that's ok. you dont have to do that.
this is what happens just about every time a guy tries to holler at me. the problem is not that they holler, its that they dont know when to stop.
i asked two different women if i was wrong. clearly i wasn't in the mood to talk, but if just kept on trying! he could have moved on to another, more eligible woman rather than keep trying to break down this steel wall of what is apparently rudeness.
it is not rudeness. what it is is a hint. i'm not single. i'm not interested. i'm not at your level (way above it). sooner or later you will come across the fact that i have a boyfriend, plenty of regular friends, and am so much better than you that it will hurt your heart. kesi calls me bad for self esteem. and he's glad i actually like him. i just dont believe in wasting time. especially my own.
so... next time you get ignored by a pretty girl on the train, move on.
holla.
scene: me on the train writing my entry on ethnicity which i wrote already and managed to mysteriously erase from my phone) i'm annoyed at trying to remember what i wrote.
him: hi.
me: mmmhmm
him: what's your name? (i shrug) oh you dont have a name? (i say nothing) where you going?
me: work.
him: oh yeah, where? i'll come buy something. (i stare into my phone) where you work?
me: i'm not going to answer you so stop asking me stuff.
him: i'm tryin to be nice.
me: that's ok. you dont have to do that.
this is what happens just about every time a guy tries to holler at me. the problem is not that they holler, its that they dont know when to stop.
i asked two different women if i was wrong. clearly i wasn't in the mood to talk, but if just kept on trying! he could have moved on to another, more eligible woman rather than keep trying to break down this steel wall of what is apparently rudeness.
it is not rudeness. what it is is a hint. i'm not single. i'm not interested. i'm not at your level (way above it). sooner or later you will come across the fact that i have a boyfriend, plenty of regular friends, and am so much better than you that it will hurt your heart. kesi calls me bad for self esteem. and he's glad i actually like him. i just dont believe in wasting time. especially my own.
so... next time you get ignored by a pretty girl on the train, move on.
holla.
Monday, June 26, 2006
you have that ethnic look.
have you ever heard that? i have. my friend kyle said that to me when i told him about my heritage. i'm cape verdean.
for those that dont know, cape verde is a group of islands off the coast of west africa. my grandma's parents were immigrants. i'm 1/4 from there, 1/2 south carolina creole and 1/4 whatever my people from rome, ga are.
but back to my story. people tend to get this, "oh, that explains it" sense of clarity when i tell them of my family history. apparently i dont look like the average black girl. africans ask me how long i've been in america. when i start speaking spanish it really throws them off.
honestly i dont know what i am racially. the islands were a major port for the slave and spice trades, as well as refuge for people run out of their home countries. think of a country. make it real obscure. yep, they were there.
so ethnic is right i guess. generally ethnic. i have my theories as to my heritage: my grandma said her grandma was a jew, so we could be spanish- they fled during the inquisition. i think i look ethiopian, but i'm the only one who does in my family.
i philosophise that since i am so racially mixed i should be accepting to all other races and cultures. i may very well be insulting myself and my people. i think that african americans- the ones born here- should be mindful of that theory because we really dont know where we came from originally. not to sound all "world peace" or anything, but it could make us better people.
did i mention my boyfriend is french? our kids will be so hot.
for those that dont know, cape verde is a group of islands off the coast of west africa. my grandma's parents were immigrants. i'm 1/4 from there, 1/2 south carolina creole and 1/4 whatever my people from rome, ga are.
but back to my story. people tend to get this, "oh, that explains it" sense of clarity when i tell them of my family history. apparently i dont look like the average black girl. africans ask me how long i've been in america. when i start speaking spanish it really throws them off.
honestly i dont know what i am racially. the islands were a major port for the slave and spice trades, as well as refuge for people run out of their home countries. think of a country. make it real obscure. yep, they were there.
so ethnic is right i guess. generally ethnic. i have my theories as to my heritage: my grandma said her grandma was a jew, so we could be spanish- they fled during the inquisition. i think i look ethiopian, but i'm the only one who does in my family.
i philosophise that since i am so racially mixed i should be accepting to all other races and cultures. i may very well be insulting myself and my people. i think that african americans- the ones born here- should be mindful of that theory because we really dont know where we came from originally. not to sound all "world peace" or anything, but it could make us better people.
did i mention my boyfriend is french? our kids will be so hot.
Friday, June 23, 2006
the joy update...
1. lauren will be here wednesday. i call a monopoly on wednesday so we can go to the movies.
2. if someone offers you something, dont say, "yes, if you have it." if they didnt have it, why would they offer it?
3. there's this song i liked when i was younger called "the one." i used to think it was a happy song, but now i realize its not. here's part of a verse: "I slave the day away, giving you all i can, ready to reach new lows, dying to wash my hands." wow.
4. i decided to sleep under my own covers last night because i almost beat up kesi monday night after he kept stealing the covers from me and waking me up. i slept through the night but we didnt sleep very close to each other. i felt a little lonely...
5. a crack head said that anyone who didnt think i was beautiful was a fag. i was scattered- scared and flattered. he should know though, that gay guys think i'm hot too.
6. read jamiel.blogspot.com. the girl's a genius. that is all.
2. if someone offers you something, dont say, "yes, if you have it." if they didnt have it, why would they offer it?
3. there's this song i liked when i was younger called "the one." i used to think it was a happy song, but now i realize its not. here's part of a verse: "I slave the day away, giving you all i can, ready to reach new lows, dying to wash my hands." wow.
4. i decided to sleep under my own covers last night because i almost beat up kesi monday night after he kept stealing the covers from me and waking me up. i slept through the night but we didnt sleep very close to each other. i felt a little lonely...
5. a crack head said that anyone who didnt think i was beautiful was a fag. i was scattered- scared and flattered. he should know though, that gay guys think i'm hot too.
6. read jamiel.blogspot.com. the girl's a genius. that is all.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
very quiet lives.
i used to think men and women could be friends. now, i dont know.
kesi was my friend. turns out he had a longstanding crush on me. was it just friendship or waiting?
i think the male friend is a rare case. we enlightened women think we are really on to something when we choose to have more male friends than the ones who 'keep up too much drama.' i dont know if we've got the right idea.
men keep up just as much shit. especially if you have a boyfriend already. you talk to them on the phone, hang out, laugh and joke, and if you dont have a secure boyfriend it can get really uncomfortable. is that his plan? does he want you to defend your friendship until the day you and your man inevitably break up and he's left to comfort you right into his bed? think ross, rachel and mark.
and what do we want? a person with no tricks up their sleeves. who wont steal our man. or stretch out that dress you let them borrow. who you can watch a game with and not have to explain what fielder's choice is. there seem to be plenty of women who agree with me, so lets us hang out and forget dudes.
as i said there are rare exceptions who maybe dont wanna do you- as much. a gay guy is always good. also one of your boyfriend's friends or a cousin... or a brother! or how about a friend's brother? a drag queen? what fun to have options.
i have two main male friends. one is a co worker who dates another coworker. his girlfriend is ALWAYS THERE. and looking at her, i'm clearly not his type. the other is more interested in a friend of mine and clearly i'm not his type either. i stick with them cuz they are slightly less interested in my ass than the average man.
i like having guy friends. but i have to remember what one of them said about their own gender: "we lead quiet lives of desperation."
kesi was my friend. turns out he had a longstanding crush on me. was it just friendship or waiting?
i think the male friend is a rare case. we enlightened women think we are really on to something when we choose to have more male friends than the ones who 'keep up too much drama.' i dont know if we've got the right idea.
men keep up just as much shit. especially if you have a boyfriend already. you talk to them on the phone, hang out, laugh and joke, and if you dont have a secure boyfriend it can get really uncomfortable. is that his plan? does he want you to defend your friendship until the day you and your man inevitably break up and he's left to comfort you right into his bed? think ross, rachel and mark.
and what do we want? a person with no tricks up their sleeves. who wont steal our man. or stretch out that dress you let them borrow. who you can watch a game with and not have to explain what fielder's choice is. there seem to be plenty of women who agree with me, so lets us hang out and forget dudes.
as i said there are rare exceptions who maybe dont wanna do you- as much. a gay guy is always good. also one of your boyfriend's friends or a cousin... or a brother! or how about a friend's brother? a drag queen? what fun to have options.
i have two main male friends. one is a co worker who dates another coworker. his girlfriend is ALWAYS THERE. and looking at her, i'm clearly not his type. the other is more interested in a friend of mine and clearly i'm not his type either. i stick with them cuz they are slightly less interested in my ass than the average man.
i like having guy friends. but i have to remember what one of them said about their own gender: "we lead quiet lives of desperation."
Sunday, June 18, 2006
daddy.
is anyone really getting moved by the tiger woods nike commercial? every time it comes on i get quiet. i also wish that we had a video camera when i was little.
so after one particular viewing of the commercial i called my dad. we talked for a sec about what he's doing today (My cousin's having a cookout at the park near my old house) and when he was coming down here (a couple weeks). and why he's moving back.
my dad's moving back to the south. not atlanta he said, but maybe georgia. my mother's happy she has someone to fix our shower. i dont know how my brother feels, but he knew first and didnt tell anyone- purposefully or not.
me? all i can say is i'm happy. when my dad left unexpectedly it was odd and somewhat devastating for me. but now he'll be closer physically to me, and that makes me feel more, i dont know, relaxed. for a person who has essentially had lots of family around all the time, the little that i have down here- friends included- means so much to me. no matter if i see them or talk to them, knowing they are near by makes me feel like i can breathe easy. and my dad- my hero guy- he makes me feel the most relaxed.
so here we are on father's day, and i'm feeling fulfilled. i'd like one day to look back on my life with my father like tiger did and see nothing but happiness, love, and closeness. and i'd like to go buy a video camera.
so after one particular viewing of the commercial i called my dad. we talked for a sec about what he's doing today (My cousin's having a cookout at the park near my old house) and when he was coming down here (a couple weeks). and why he's moving back.
my dad's moving back to the south. not atlanta he said, but maybe georgia. my mother's happy she has someone to fix our shower. i dont know how my brother feels, but he knew first and didnt tell anyone- purposefully or not.
me? all i can say is i'm happy. when my dad left unexpectedly it was odd and somewhat devastating for me. but now he'll be closer physically to me, and that makes me feel more, i dont know, relaxed. for a person who has essentially had lots of family around all the time, the little that i have down here- friends included- means so much to me. no matter if i see them or talk to them, knowing they are near by makes me feel like i can breathe easy. and my dad- my hero guy- he makes me feel the most relaxed.
so here we are on father's day, and i'm feeling fulfilled. i'd like one day to look back on my life with my father like tiger did and see nothing but happiness, love, and closeness. and i'd like to go buy a video camera.
Friday, June 16, 2006
if you leave, i wont cry...
i just got some pretty sucky news today. my best friend, who was supposed to come this weekend, isnt. boo.
what's worse is that she's moving to texas and not staying here when she leaves DC. more boo. i assumed i'd only have to spend 4 years without her.
we dont talk much. we usually text or im each other. besides the random voicemail, i havent heard her voice since i saw her a month ago. but that's how we are. even when we were in the same room our best times were spent not saying much- just writing, singing, sleeping. much non verbal communication.
i'm talking like this is the end. its not. we'll always be best friends, i'm sure of it. it just comes so naturally. but its so odd to not have her around. odd after 4 years. thats why i travel so much. there's nothing else in dc for me anymore. i hope houston is fun.
and so i guess i'll be spending this sunday with my dad or something. blah. i really wanted to see nacho libre with my homie. dont go seeing it without me lady.
ps: i hope whoever soured you against this city leaves or makes things right or never comes back here. i want you to live here again.
what's worse is that she's moving to texas and not staying here when she leaves DC. more boo. i assumed i'd only have to spend 4 years without her.
we dont talk much. we usually text or im each other. besides the random voicemail, i havent heard her voice since i saw her a month ago. but that's how we are. even when we were in the same room our best times were spent not saying much- just writing, singing, sleeping. much non verbal communication.
i'm talking like this is the end. its not. we'll always be best friends, i'm sure of it. it just comes so naturally. but its so odd to not have her around. odd after 4 years. thats why i travel so much. there's nothing else in dc for me anymore. i hope houston is fun.
and so i guess i'll be spending this sunday with my dad or something. blah. i really wanted to see nacho libre with my homie. dont go seeing it without me lady.
ps: i hope whoever soured you against this city leaves or makes things right or never comes back here. i want you to live here again.
17. without a purpose or direction...
maybe i was just better at it than he is: lying and being sneaky. is that really a good thing?
she found a bottle of bacardi under the guest bed. you'd think he knew better- he's seen his drunk uncle, and that man's drunk sons. and his grandma is a recovering alcoholic. so it was fitting that his mother would wake me with her early morning yelling.
he is only 17. and now dad is coming down to take him back to connecticut to stand under his strict (haha) supervision. just in time for father's day. and i was just gonna send him a text.
what's wrong with my family? i seem to be the only one making sense. when i was 17. i never drank. i dont much drink now. and when i did, i certainly never did it in the house. certainly never left proof! gee whiz.
part of me wants to help him be sneaky. teach him how to skip class and still finish his homework. how to sneak people in and out without her knowing. and part of me is happy to have the house to myself.
and so something's inside of him. something he doesnt wanna share and is drinking away secretly. i'm the big sister and i'm supposed to do something. but what?
she found a bottle of bacardi under the guest bed. you'd think he knew better- he's seen his drunk uncle, and that man's drunk sons. and his grandma is a recovering alcoholic. so it was fitting that his mother would wake me with her early morning yelling.
he is only 17. and now dad is coming down to take him back to connecticut to stand under his strict (haha) supervision. just in time for father's day. and i was just gonna send him a text.
what's wrong with my family? i seem to be the only one making sense. when i was 17. i never drank. i dont much drink now. and when i did, i certainly never did it in the house. certainly never left proof! gee whiz.
part of me wants to help him be sneaky. teach him how to skip class and still finish his homework. how to sneak people in and out without her knowing. and part of me is happy to have the house to myself.
and so something's inside of him. something he doesnt wanna share and is drinking away secretly. i'm the big sister and i'm supposed to do something. but what?
Friday, June 02, 2006
i dont even think four people read my blog.
Four jobs I've had in my life:
1. waitress at Mac's (closed)
2. errand girl
3. got damn CVS cashier
4. whatever it is i do now.
Four nicknames I've been given:
1. yoj- lauren
2. "steps"- by my cousins
3. joy-joy- by the redundant
4. bitches aka "jessica jiggles"- by kesi and his crazy brothers
Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. anything with Jake Gyllenhall
2. carrie
3. little mermaid
4. Finding Nemo
Four places I have lived:
1. bridgeport, ct
2. riverdale, ga (wacktown, usa)
3. east pernt, ga
4. college Park, ga- home to gangstas and perpetrators alike.
Four TV Shows I love to watch:
1. lost
2. Good Eats (alton brown is too smart for cooking)
3. The Boondocks
4. dr. 90210
Four places I have been on vacation:
1. cumberland island, Ga- complete with wild horses
2. DC a buncha times.
3. san fernandina. FL
4. St louis. Mo
Four people I could not live without:
1. lauren
2. kesi
3. jabre
4. the guy who puts his name on my paychecks.
Four of my favorite foods:
1. blue doritos
2. anything italian
3. burgah king
4. chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
Four folks who I have tagged:
1. kesi
2. kyle
3. shaany
4. bre
1. waitress at Mac's (closed)
2. errand girl
3. got damn CVS cashier
4. whatever it is i do now.
Four nicknames I've been given:
1. yoj- lauren
2. "steps"- by my cousins
3. joy-joy- by the redundant
4. bitches aka "jessica jiggles"- by kesi and his crazy brothers
Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. anything with Jake Gyllenhall
2. carrie
3. little mermaid
4. Finding Nemo
Four places I have lived:
1. bridgeport, ct
2. riverdale, ga (wacktown, usa)
3. east pernt, ga
4. college Park, ga- home to gangstas and perpetrators alike.
Four TV Shows I love to watch:
1. lost
2. Good Eats (alton brown is too smart for cooking)
3. The Boondocks
4. dr. 90210
Four places I have been on vacation:
1. cumberland island, Ga- complete with wild horses
2. DC a buncha times.
3. san fernandina. FL
4. St louis. Mo
Four people I could not live without:
1. lauren
2. kesi
3. jabre
4. the guy who puts his name on my paychecks.
Four of my favorite foods:
1. blue doritos
2. anything italian
3. burgah king
4. chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
Four folks who I have tagged:
1. kesi
2. kyle
3. shaany
4. bre
My "friend list" is getting smaller...
Once upon a time i gave up on some friends. It was something i cried about. I did it for love- my boyfriend was so insanely jealous about a mutual friend that i had slept with who was still in my life, and in order to keep him i got rid of the friend. Actually it was more than one friend, but one in particular is important right now. It was kind of easy...just ignore the guy. But it was hard too, cuz they noticed i all of a sudden started hanging with different people-'not them' people.
After the guy and i inevitably broke up, i decided to not let anyone who claimed to love me isolate me from people i cared about. Recently i reunited with this frozen out friend, and we began to talk on the phone. We even met once which i wrote about here.
We talked a few more times, and discussed meeting again, but i never had the time and it never really worked out. There were times when i couldnt call, and i would get wierd messages about how i hurt his feelings. Wierd. Once he said he was tired of waiting for me, i started to get a little skeeved. I decided to ask for advice. Kesi said he liked me. Lauren said he liked me. People at work said- ok, you get the idea. And his 'pressure' on me and their general consensus made me feel my relationship was being disrespected. But i also knew he would deny it if i ever told him what i thought was going on.
When i confronted him, of course he denied that he was serious- he wasnt really waiting on me. But i couldnt be swayed. I broke up with my friend again. But this time i couldnt just freeze him out. I've grown up alot since i was 17 and i cant treat things the same. I had this to say.
Were you really kidding? I dont think you were. The whole thing seemed pretty wierd to me. Between that email and the one you sent before saying that i didnt care, there was no indication that you were joking. And you never mentioned it when we were on the phone, though the time i talked to you before i went to ct, you seemed moody then too-kind of mad at me. I dont know what to make of it all but i know that i dont think i can be your friend. Above all else, i feel guilty when i dont talk to you, as if i always have to give an explaination. Its too much pressure, as if i have to try to make this work. I think its great that you found me, but if we were meant to be as good a friends as we were before it wouldnt take so much effort. There's alot going on with me and i'm in a place where i'm comfortable and really like it. I hope you can say the same. I'm doing alot at once in the hopes that i can be who i want to be, and it doesnt leave me much time for other things, especially things and people that i'm not completely sure about. I hope you understand and know that i still carry no bad feelings about you.
And he had this to say.
Look I am sorry to make you feel like that but in all seriousness I was just Joking with you REALLY!!!!!! The only reason I keep going on with that stupid joke is that I thought you knew I was kidding. Maybe my sense of humor is not how you remember but believe me I would never want to do anything to weird you out and another thing is I know you are in a comfortable situation and I would never do anything to jeopardize anything you have. Believe ME. I also do not see why you think it is necessary to get me an explanation its your life you do what you want I dont expect anything from you. Please dont think you ever have to explain anything to me. In addition, what are you trying to make work? We will be friends whether we talk once day or once a year. I not some weirdo who needs constant reassurance from my friends to let me know I alive. One last point what the fuck do mean when you say people your not sure about? If thats what you think then please dont call or email me anymore. Hope you have a good life.
How oddly flip floppy. I havent written him back and i'm not going to. I didnt tell him that i think he has feelings for me because it doesnt really matter. It would only make it seem like history is repeating itself: i'm dropping him for a guy who's jealous. But that's not true at all (lord knows kesi isnt jealous of anyone i've slept with, and has never, not even now, told me who not to be friends with). Its about how i feel, and how i'm too old to be deciphering people's feelings and trying to make a friendship work. My friends and i just click. And i know people grow apart. And when that happens they very rarely grow back together.
After the guy and i inevitably broke up, i decided to not let anyone who claimed to love me isolate me from people i cared about. Recently i reunited with this frozen out friend, and we began to talk on the phone. We even met once which i wrote about here.
We talked a few more times, and discussed meeting again, but i never had the time and it never really worked out. There were times when i couldnt call, and i would get wierd messages about how i hurt his feelings. Wierd. Once he said he was tired of waiting for me, i started to get a little skeeved. I decided to ask for advice. Kesi said he liked me. Lauren said he liked me. People at work said- ok, you get the idea. And his 'pressure' on me and their general consensus made me feel my relationship was being disrespected. But i also knew he would deny it if i ever told him what i thought was going on.
When i confronted him, of course he denied that he was serious- he wasnt really waiting on me. But i couldnt be swayed. I broke up with my friend again. But this time i couldnt just freeze him out. I've grown up alot since i was 17 and i cant treat things the same. I had this to say.
Were you really kidding? I dont think you were. The whole thing seemed pretty wierd to me. Between that email and the one you sent before saying that i didnt care, there was no indication that you were joking. And you never mentioned it when we were on the phone, though the time i talked to you before i went to ct, you seemed moody then too-kind of mad at me. I dont know what to make of it all but i know that i dont think i can be your friend. Above all else, i feel guilty when i dont talk to you, as if i always have to give an explaination. Its too much pressure, as if i have to try to make this work. I think its great that you found me, but if we were meant to be as good a friends as we were before it wouldnt take so much effort. There's alot going on with me and i'm in a place where i'm comfortable and really like it. I hope you can say the same. I'm doing alot at once in the hopes that i can be who i want to be, and it doesnt leave me much time for other things, especially things and people that i'm not completely sure about. I hope you understand and know that i still carry no bad feelings about you.
And he had this to say.
Look I am sorry to make you feel like that but in all seriousness I was just Joking with you REALLY!!!!!! The only reason I keep going on with that stupid joke is that I thought you knew I was kidding. Maybe my sense of humor is not how you remember but believe me I would never want to do anything to weird you out and another thing is I know you are in a comfortable situation and I would never do anything to jeopardize anything you have. Believe ME. I also do not see why you think it is necessary to get me an explanation its your life you do what you want I dont expect anything from you. Please dont think you ever have to explain anything to me. In addition, what are you trying to make work? We will be friends whether we talk once day or once a year. I not some weirdo who needs constant reassurance from my friends to let me know I alive. One last point what the fuck do mean when you say people your not sure about? If thats what you think then please dont call or email me anymore. Hope you have a good life.
How oddly flip floppy. I havent written him back and i'm not going to. I didnt tell him that i think he has feelings for me because it doesnt really matter. It would only make it seem like history is repeating itself: i'm dropping him for a guy who's jealous. But that's not true at all (lord knows kesi isnt jealous of anyone i've slept with, and has never, not even now, told me who not to be friends with). Its about how i feel, and how i'm too old to be deciphering people's feelings and trying to make a friendship work. My friends and i just click. And i know people grow apart. And when that happens they very rarely grow back together.
Amen. i mean, a-woman.
Shani-o asked if we believed the da vinci code was real. I, for one, havent seen the movie or read the book because i felt it was too hyped and with hype comes my deep disappointment, and the phrase, 'it wasnt all that.' but no matter how i deny mr. brown, i still see the personification of God the Son everywhere. And its crap.
In film class, a girl chose the passion as her 'classic movie'. (i chose eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) a muslim girl said that it wasnt right that one of the prophets be seen and played as a character. I disagreed then, but now i feel like she's right.
One day in sunday school, i asked what God looked like. I was told he looks like everyone; We are all made in his image. I still believe this to be true and really dont care what Jesus looked like. Though if you believe the bible, he sure didnt look like an italian.
Lets go back to the begining. To answer shani's question, of course not. To me the whole thing is based on whether you believe that da vinci's paintings of Jesus were accurate. And if i cant believe that he was well versed enough in the bible to know that jesus had curly hair, then i doubt he was well versed enough to come to the conclusion that jesus had a lady friend at the time of his death. This is not to say it isnt possible- there is a whole heapa years of his life missing from the bible, so maybe he did get married- i'm just saying that leo cant get me to that point until he explains to me why he made jesus, a carpenter's son, so skinny in all his paintings. So dan falls short there.
Good premise, but it kind of reiterates the heavy visual symbolism of catholicism.
Cant we get past God as a person and get to him as a part of us? Its part of why people see such negativity in being a christian. Maybe i should start a church.
In film class, a girl chose the passion as her 'classic movie'. (i chose eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) a muslim girl said that it wasnt right that one of the prophets be seen and played as a character. I disagreed then, but now i feel like she's right.
One day in sunday school, i asked what God looked like. I was told he looks like everyone; We are all made in his image. I still believe this to be true and really dont care what Jesus looked like. Though if you believe the bible, he sure didnt look like an italian.
Lets go back to the begining. To answer shani's question, of course not. To me the whole thing is based on whether you believe that da vinci's paintings of Jesus were accurate. And if i cant believe that he was well versed enough in the bible to know that jesus had curly hair, then i doubt he was well versed enough to come to the conclusion that jesus had a lady friend at the time of his death. This is not to say it isnt possible- there is a whole heapa years of his life missing from the bible, so maybe he did get married- i'm just saying that leo cant get me to that point until he explains to me why he made jesus, a carpenter's son, so skinny in all his paintings. So dan falls short there.
Good premise, but it kind of reiterates the heavy visual symbolism of catholicism.
Cant we get past God as a person and get to him as a part of us? Its part of why people see such negativity in being a christian. Maybe i should start a church.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
apartment 7-A is where the heart is...
So here i am in ct. Where i was born and raised. And much like that day, i am cold and broke. But that's beside the point, because i have family.
After getting secondhand info on my grandma, and causing myself stress by obsessing over calling (or not calling)
her to see how she is, i finally got to see her today. Its really all i needed.
I was nine when my grandma had her first heart attack. We were in her room, watching animaniacs, and she called desperately for my mom. After that, it was a blur. I remember each moment up to that point when my
mother made my brother and me leave the room. staring at her not knowing what to do...having this event take place that seemed so much like the stuff on tv, only no one knew CPR or shit like that. my brother, 5 years old, kind of scared but not sure why...
After that: sleeping in my grandma's bed while she was in the hospital. i was so scared she would die, and i had to hold on to the smell of her sheets and pretend that she was holding me.
And then, the fact that she came back. Like, 'fuck a heart attack; i'm anna.' this is the woman who had 14 kids, three of whom died. she broke both her legs falling down stairs doing laundry. she was excommunicated for getting a divorce, and lost my grandpa to a gunshot after he defended a woman's honor at a bar. she got a letter from hillary clinton a few months after the heart attack asking if she was ok. all true.
a few years ago, she even told my mom she'd be here forever.
i was 21 when she had her second heart attack. Since then, its been an uphill thing for anna. Leg issues, blood clots, walkers, nurses, temporary stays at homes... And suddenly the image of resiliency that i called 'meema' was gone. I realize that one day, she is going to die. And just cuz i realized it, doesnt mean i'm ok with it.
So i thought about her every day and said things like, 'i need to call her'. But i wouldnt. I would get the info from my mom and hope. But i didnt want to hear her voice if it wasnt HER. Cuz that was all i had,
her voice.
So today i saw her. And she was thinner than last year. And she was wearing gloves cuz her hands are always cold now. And she went to the doctors today. But he says she's better. The last two times she visited him
he admitted her, so just her coming back from there was a big step. I'm so glad. All i really need was full submergence into grandma-ness to be ok. To see her, no matter what she looks like, and to hear her voice,
no matter what it sounds like. And, yes, to watch tv with her like we did when i was nine.
My grandma is still here, but one day she wont be. But i'll still love her either way. And i dont have to be ok with the fact that she's gone- when that happens. Its normal. But i'll love her while she's here. And to paraphrase her: i've got all this, and i'm the richest woman in the world.
After getting secondhand info on my grandma, and causing myself stress by obsessing over calling (or not calling)
her to see how she is, i finally got to see her today. Its really all i needed.
I was nine when my grandma had her first heart attack. We were in her room, watching animaniacs, and she called desperately for my mom. After that, it was a blur. I remember each moment up to that point when my
mother made my brother and me leave the room. staring at her not knowing what to do...having this event take place that seemed so much like the stuff on tv, only no one knew CPR or shit like that. my brother, 5 years old, kind of scared but not sure why...
After that: sleeping in my grandma's bed while she was in the hospital. i was so scared she would die, and i had to hold on to the smell of her sheets and pretend that she was holding me.
And then, the fact that she came back. Like, 'fuck a heart attack; i'm anna.' this is the woman who had 14 kids, three of whom died. she broke both her legs falling down stairs doing laundry. she was excommunicated for getting a divorce, and lost my grandpa to a gunshot after he defended a woman's honor at a bar. she got a letter from hillary clinton a few months after the heart attack asking if she was ok. all true.
a few years ago, she even told my mom she'd be here forever.
i was 21 when she had her second heart attack. Since then, its been an uphill thing for anna. Leg issues, blood clots, walkers, nurses, temporary stays at homes... And suddenly the image of resiliency that i called 'meema' was gone. I realize that one day, she is going to die. And just cuz i realized it, doesnt mean i'm ok with it.
So i thought about her every day and said things like, 'i need to call her'. But i wouldnt. I would get the info from my mom and hope. But i didnt want to hear her voice if it wasnt HER. Cuz that was all i had,
her voice.
So today i saw her. And she was thinner than last year. And she was wearing gloves cuz her hands are always cold now. And she went to the doctors today. But he says she's better. The last two times she visited him
he admitted her, so just her coming back from there was a big step. I'm so glad. All i really need was full submergence into grandma-ness to be ok. To see her, no matter what she looks like, and to hear her voice,
no matter what it sounds like. And, yes, to watch tv with her like we did when i was nine.
My grandma is still here, but one day she wont be. But i'll still love her either way. And i dont have to be ok with the fact that she's gone- when that happens. Its normal. But i'll love her while she's here. And to paraphrase her: i've got all this, and i'm the richest woman in the world.
Nothing But a Burnt Shell
the next few blog entries were written about two weeks ago, when i was in connecticut visiting family. this is the first time i've really been on a computer since then...enjoy.
Its gone, and i'm happy to see it go.
My cousin lives around the corner from where i used to live about fifteen years ago. its pretty close to the edge of town, its as bad as it seems. Its the part of town that gives Bridgeport a bad name. Especially my street. We went for a ride today, so he could run errands. This ride took us past mckinley elementary, the school my mom refused to send my brother to, amen.
"your kids go there?" imagine i said 'there' as if i was about to throw up.
"hell no. My kids go to longfellow (a muuuuuch better school)."
Sigh of relief...As we passed the school we approached other childhood landmarks, i pointed them out."and this is- was- my old babysitter's house, and where i was attacked by the dog, and this is..."
and then i saw it. The burnt remains of my former home.The third story was gone and the first two were just a black frame. All i could say was, "wow". My cousin gave a, "damn" of agreement.
For the lack of words i could say, my mind was racing. This was where i lived when my grandma Lula died. Where i got that self-inflicted scar on my arm that everyone thinks is from drug use. Where i saw the girl, with the baby in her arms, get shot-on my front porch. Did i mention the dog attack? There's so much more that i dare not mention on this blog.
All these things raced through my mind. No happy thoughts to mourn, just experiences i'm glad to see go. i had some of the most traumatic moments of my short life in that house. Six "families" could live in that house- six balls of negative energy confined to such a small space.
I wish i could have been there to see it burn. I would have roasted marshmallows probably. Done a dance. Cried. I could have watched all the bad float into the sky, into the dark, released from me.
Its gone, and i'm happy to see it go.
My cousin lives around the corner from where i used to live about fifteen years ago. its pretty close to the edge of town, its as bad as it seems. Its the part of town that gives Bridgeport a bad name. Especially my street. We went for a ride today, so he could run errands. This ride took us past mckinley elementary, the school my mom refused to send my brother to, amen.
"your kids go there?" imagine i said 'there' as if i was about to throw up.
"hell no. My kids go to longfellow (a muuuuuch better school)."
Sigh of relief...As we passed the school we approached other childhood landmarks, i pointed them out."and this is- was- my old babysitter's house, and where i was attacked by the dog, and this is..."
and then i saw it. The burnt remains of my former home.The third story was gone and the first two were just a black frame. All i could say was, "wow". My cousin gave a, "damn" of agreement.
For the lack of words i could say, my mind was racing. This was where i lived when my grandma Lula died. Where i got that self-inflicted scar on my arm that everyone thinks is from drug use. Where i saw the girl, with the baby in her arms, get shot-on my front porch. Did i mention the dog attack? There's so much more that i dare not mention on this blog.
All these things raced through my mind. No happy thoughts to mourn, just experiences i'm glad to see go. i had some of the most traumatic moments of my short life in that house. Six "families" could live in that house- six balls of negative energy confined to such a small space.
I wish i could have been there to see it burn. I would have roasted marshmallows probably. Done a dance. Cried. I could have watched all the bad float into the sky, into the dark, released from me.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
ok. lets speak of ladylike behavior.
not the kind of ladylike behavior such as not spitting(do) and crossing your legs(dont do much), but the kind that affects the way males who we have been with percieve us. example:
Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.
this is from overheardinnewyork.com. key word, OVERHEARD!!!
i only mention this because i accidentally made myself look like a complete skank the other night. my manager and i were having quite the conversation about sex and sexuality, and that spilled out onto our walk to the safe downstairs (i work in a hotel, all the money goes into a commonly accesible room). we and two other co workers were sharing stories about "our first time" and i mentioned that kesi's and my first included a very unromantic song. on repeat. so someone asks, "was he your first?" and i say, "nooooooooooo," in that way that implies that he wasnt even close to the first, which isnt the case.
so then i had to awkwardly announce that, no i am not a slut, (after not ten minutes before getting molested by another coworker's butt, and telling how kesi likes one of my friends' breasts) and that i REALLY made it seem like i was. then i said all my exes leave atlanta after we break up.
now that i have the weekend off, taking 48 hours of my time to explain all these intimate facts i bandied about the hotel commons, i realize how these things can be misconstrued. should i care? is it affecting much?
i dont know. but i know that if they are anything like me, they will have heard what i said and formulate wild generalizations about me and my private life. for instance, i can pretty much conclude that girl one is a bit of a drinker and has given many men "a piece of her mind," if you know what i mean. so lets just hope they are not like me.
i have an expression that i always say when people say, "did you hear so-and-so did this or that?" and it goes:
"i'm not fuckin them. why should i care?"
that, to me, is ladylike. we're too concerned. then again, we are telling our best friends about random BJs and throwing elaborate quince's-complete with a bellydance routine-in order to make our exes jealous. we have to be more tactful ladies!!!! stop letting the men know our plans! its all about subtlety.
so alas, people i have 24 more hours to mull this over and hope that the night where i was less than subtle is forgotten. we always seem to worry about the stupid or inappropriate things we say, more than the people we say them to seem to. hopefully its true this time. i guess we'll find out monday, if someone starts singing three6 mafia.
Girl #1: I hung out with Jeff last night, this guy I just met.
Girl #2: Yeah, did you have sex with him?
Girl #1: NOOO! I just met him, I only gave him a blow job. I know we'll run into each other again and I didn't want things to be awkward.
this is from overheardinnewyork.com. key word, OVERHEARD!!!
i only mention this because i accidentally made myself look like a complete skank the other night. my manager and i were having quite the conversation about sex and sexuality, and that spilled out onto our walk to the safe downstairs (i work in a hotel, all the money goes into a commonly accesible room). we and two other co workers were sharing stories about "our first time" and i mentioned that kesi's and my first included a very unromantic song. on repeat. so someone asks, "was he your first?" and i say, "nooooooooooo," in that way that implies that he wasnt even close to the first, which isnt the case.
so then i had to awkwardly announce that, no i am not a slut, (after not ten minutes before getting molested by another coworker's butt, and telling how kesi likes one of my friends' breasts) and that i REALLY made it seem like i was. then i said all my exes leave atlanta after we break up.
now that i have the weekend off, taking 48 hours of my time to explain all these intimate facts i bandied about the hotel commons, i realize how these things can be misconstrued. should i care? is it affecting much?
i dont know. but i know that if they are anything like me, they will have heard what i said and formulate wild generalizations about me and my private life. for instance, i can pretty much conclude that girl one is a bit of a drinker and has given many men "a piece of her mind," if you know what i mean. so lets just hope they are not like me.
i have an expression that i always say when people say, "did you hear so-and-so did this or that?" and it goes:
"i'm not fuckin them. why should i care?"
that, to me, is ladylike. we're too concerned. then again, we are telling our best friends about random BJs and throwing elaborate quince's-complete with a bellydance routine-in order to make our exes jealous. we have to be more tactful ladies!!!! stop letting the men know our plans! its all about subtlety.
so alas, people i have 24 more hours to mull this over and hope that the night where i was less than subtle is forgotten. we always seem to worry about the stupid or inappropriate things we say, more than the people we say them to seem to. hopefully its true this time. i guess we'll find out monday, if someone starts singing three6 mafia.
Monday, April 17, 2006
is butter a carb?
Ok, its not that i'm fat-i've only gained 15lbs since high school, and i'm still midrange for my height. But that doesnt stop my mom from telling me, seemingly every time she sees me middrift, that she really wishes i would exercise. "because you dont want this to be your future. " of course, she's refering to herself. Her overweight self.
Ok, yes, i do have a bit of a belly and it annoys me, but i'm pretty sure that if i were to do some crunches it would be taken care of. And having my mother tell me what can be interpreted as, "you look cute but not cute enough," can tend to give a chick a complex. I'm pretty sure if i wasnt so strong in mind-and such a food lover- i'd be annorexic.
The funny thing is, she says these things, and i wonder if she really heartfully means it. For one, just the other night, she went grocery shopping and brought back oreos and cookies and cream icecream. Of which i will have none because it'll be gone by the time i realize i want some.when i got upset the last time this happened(when food that was bought for me was eaten before i knew it was there) she said i should keep it in my room or hide it. Contradiction, maybe? i dont want to have to hide foor from my own family.
Also, why so worried about my figure and not your own? I like exercise, hanging in the sun, sweat, running. And i cant tell you how many times she's said she's gonna get on this machine or that machine we have at the house, only to do so once a week and feel accomplished. So is it projection? is she taking out her own self image issues on me? cuz thats just not fair.
yes people in my family have a weight problem, and i dont think its hereditary. i think our lack of will power and low self image is. my grandmother, whose parents were immigrants, came from a land of drought to america, where everywhere you look, there is food. and she ate. still eats. i think its adoreable how she puts a klondike bar on a little plate and eats it with a spoon. only now did i put it together that its probably because she's missing teeth. and she doesnt like to take pictures. she'll gett steaming mad at you if you do. and its carried on to generations. my mother wants to lose weight but wont stop buying junk food. and she looks to me and says, "have you noticed i'm losing weight?" no, but apparently youve noticed all 2.5 pounds i've gained over the past four years, which is all just a result of my not playing softball anymore.
do all parents do this? i dont want to be this way with my daughters... i know she loves me, but all the nagging? it may happen like once a week or so but it feels like every day. i worry about what she might say if i wear this or that, and i'm not comfortable. any suggestions?
Ok, yes, i do have a bit of a belly and it annoys me, but i'm pretty sure that if i were to do some crunches it would be taken care of. And having my mother tell me what can be interpreted as, "you look cute but not cute enough," can tend to give a chick a complex. I'm pretty sure if i wasnt so strong in mind-and such a food lover- i'd be annorexic.
The funny thing is, she says these things, and i wonder if she really heartfully means it. For one, just the other night, she went grocery shopping and brought back oreos and cookies and cream icecream. Of which i will have none because it'll be gone by the time i realize i want some.when i got upset the last time this happened(when food that was bought for me was eaten before i knew it was there) she said i should keep it in my room or hide it. Contradiction, maybe? i dont want to have to hide foor from my own family.
Also, why so worried about my figure and not your own? I like exercise, hanging in the sun, sweat, running. And i cant tell you how many times she's said she's gonna get on this machine or that machine we have at the house, only to do so once a week and feel accomplished. So is it projection? is she taking out her own self image issues on me? cuz thats just not fair.
yes people in my family have a weight problem, and i dont think its hereditary. i think our lack of will power and low self image is. my grandmother, whose parents were immigrants, came from a land of drought to america, where everywhere you look, there is food. and she ate. still eats. i think its adoreable how she puts a klondike bar on a little plate and eats it with a spoon. only now did i put it together that its probably because she's missing teeth. and she doesnt like to take pictures. she'll gett steaming mad at you if you do. and its carried on to generations. my mother wants to lose weight but wont stop buying junk food. and she looks to me and says, "have you noticed i'm losing weight?" no, but apparently youve noticed all 2.5 pounds i've gained over the past four years, which is all just a result of my not playing softball anymore.
do all parents do this? i dont want to be this way with my daughters... i know she loves me, but all the nagging? it may happen like once a week or so but it feels like every day. i worry about what she might say if i wear this or that, and i'm not comfortable. any suggestions?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
the hate list
-dedicated to lauren(better to write it down than keep it in and get fat and explode) and aaron mcgruder.-
this is a compilation of random things that bug me on a daily basis. there's plenty more things, these are just the ones i thought of in the half hour trip from my house to school on the train...
*emo titles ("panic! at the disco" is the one i hate the most. also, "a little less 16 candles, a little more touch me." how bout a little less need for research when trying to listen to a song? most of the kids who listen to fall out boy are too young to know who samantha fox is. i barely know who she is.)
*old people who think things that teens do are so much worse than anything they did. Sometimes it is but they definitely overexaggerate on things.
*people who sigh in your face or put money on counters instead of in your hands. (this happens to me alot at work. alot.)
*wet money. Why is it wet!?
*people with love handles who wear low rise jeans with short tees. youth is not qualification for wearing low rise. do some crunches.
*hipster haircuts on dudes. (Do you really need to comb that much hair forward?)
*guys who talk to you when you are ACTIVELY trying to ignore them.
*the assumption that guys and girls cant be friends.
*white men who call me homegirl. Stop. No more.
*hilary duff
*people who get mad when people when people look at your breasts for like, a second. As long as you dont outwardly stare... I mean, theyre out there for a reason
*religious intolerance in the scale of hate. This excludes any episode of south park and any jokes about scientology or mormonism
*people who think they can be models cuz theyre pretty.
*thinking all male hairdressers/ dancers/ designers are gay
*people who dress like school is a club. all that makeup is uncalledfor.
*random people in the background of your pics.
*people who judge when you say you were 16 when you went on birth control. (bonus points if they have kids)
*most republicans.
*waking up before 10 am
*that "youre beautiful" song. his voice drives me up a damn wall.
*people who let their kids run all over them. or scream in public. all those kids on "Nanny 911" while we're at it. who lets it get that far?
feel free to add on or make your own. hate is natural. better to blog than kill someone. i often have to weigh the pros and cons of murdering the reciever of my hate. please remember that i mostly love...
this is a compilation of random things that bug me on a daily basis. there's plenty more things, these are just the ones i thought of in the half hour trip from my house to school on the train...
*emo titles ("panic! at the disco" is the one i hate the most. also, "a little less 16 candles, a little more touch me." how bout a little less need for research when trying to listen to a song? most of the kids who listen to fall out boy are too young to know who samantha fox is. i barely know who she is.)
*old people who think things that teens do are so much worse than anything they did. Sometimes it is but they definitely overexaggerate on things.
*people who sigh in your face or put money on counters instead of in your hands. (this happens to me alot at work. alot.)
*wet money. Why is it wet!?
*people with love handles who wear low rise jeans with short tees. youth is not qualification for wearing low rise. do some crunches.
*hipster haircuts on dudes. (Do you really need to comb that much hair forward?)
*guys who talk to you when you are ACTIVELY trying to ignore them.
*the assumption that guys and girls cant be friends.
*white men who call me homegirl. Stop. No more.
*hilary duff
*people who get mad when people when people look at your breasts for like, a second. As long as you dont outwardly stare... I mean, theyre out there for a reason
*religious intolerance in the scale of hate. This excludes any episode of south park and any jokes about scientology or mormonism
*people who think they can be models cuz theyre pretty.
*thinking all male hairdressers/ dancers/ designers are gay
*people who dress like school is a club. all that makeup is uncalledfor.
*random people in the background of your pics.
*people who judge when you say you were 16 when you went on birth control. (bonus points if they have kids)
*most republicans.
*waking up before 10 am
*that "youre beautiful" song. his voice drives me up a damn wall.
*people who let their kids run all over them. or scream in public. all those kids on "Nanny 911" while we're at it. who lets it get that far?
feel free to add on or make your own. hate is natural. better to blog than kill someone. i often have to weigh the pros and cons of murdering the reciever of my hate. please remember that i mostly love...
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
how could i be so imature?
how could i be so imature
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"
this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:
couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.
couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.
so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.
kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.
it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?
one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.
i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.
so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.
to think he could replace
the missing elements in me
how extremely lazy of me
how could i be so imature?
-bjork, "imature"
this song has been in my head all weekend, while talking to my friends who are also in relationships. both couples got into arguements and each had a different result:
couple #1 had an arguement over spilled coffee, literally. what started out an innocent game of keep away ended up with one person soaked to the drawers in latte, saying things he did not mean, and the other person taking the bus home at midnight. they fortunately made up, but now kind of keep each other at arm's length around beverages.
couple#2 got into it over Quality Time. when you see a person every day, you shouldnt get mad when they'd like a change of pace...and especially dont think it is because they dont love you or want to "screw" someone else. no one likes to do anything with someone else every day. not even sex. it gets tiring, believe it. they broke up, and its not the first time. i wonder if they will get back together because they are a good couple who just need to mature individually.
so my question is this: why do couples argue? what is there to gain? you say hurtful things and feel like you cant take that person any more, and usually the arguement is over something so stupid, just because you weren't considerate of the other person or you have held it in for a while and you explode.
kesi and i have never argued. we talk things out as they happen, and try to think of the other when making decisions or speaking as a couple. of course we have had conflicts, but we always allow ourselves to see the other person's point, and if one of us is wrong we fix that. usually the things we might conflict about has nothing to do with our realtionship, like if one of us fucks something up and the other is like "i told you, you shoulda dont this and that..." which is annoying wether you are getting told by a boyfriend or your mom.
it is weird to me. do these people who get into arguements argue with their friends too? i dont. if i do, its, you know, over how said friend ditched me for a random guy and left me stranded without my clothes til 2am... and thats what is known as a deal breaker. you dont hold on to those kinds of people. so why do we hold on to relationships like that?
one reason-the reason- lonliness. we are so afraid to be alone!!! god! we'd rather be argueing and fussing than to be just one person. we have to become mature enough to be ourselves, do what we want, spend time with ourselves enough to come up with guidelines for someone who will love us to live by. and it wont be a burden to them because they will come "perprogrammed" with those guidelines. we wont have to settle. we wont have to argue in order to have someone to hold us while we sleep.
i make it sound so much easier than it is. i spent the time "maturing" when my ex was actively cheating on me. but i knew i never wanted to go through that again, and i owed it to myself to be with someone i didnt have to fight for- or fight with.
so i hope my friends get the hint and realize those missing elements could only be replaced by themselves. i love them and want them to be happy too...with or without someone.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
free advertising.
you may not have noticed i put a link on my "shamelessly stolen from everyone" post. if you didnt, here it is again. its one of my best friends, and he's super talented. so like him, K?
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
march is: National Major Misconception Month!
so there have been many a post this month about people and how they are seen, whether they are light skinned or have natural hair. i must say that i too am misconcieved because of my outward appearance, and i feel its time to share, in the hopes that people will stop making stupid comments directed at yours and mine truly:
1: i am not one of those "concious" girls.
i got this one today in electronic music class. we were talking about The Game, who i think is generally wack, and when asked what kind of music i listen to i mentioned Talib Kweli and Mos Def, along with others who the guy i was talking to chose to ignore.
"so you one of them concious girls?"-he notices my andy warhol print scarf on my head (cuz i didnt wanna do my hair-more on that later)
"no, i just like good rappers. The Game is typical. and also wack."
ok people... just because i refuse to fall into the G-Unit trap, doesnt mean i am one of those "the black struggle" people. honestly, i'm struggling enough for me, i dont need to worry about the rest of us. stop trying to figure me out!!! if he had asked who my favorite musicians were, it would have been a long time before a rapper's name would have popped up. i prefer rock. but since i am african american, that never even registered to him. so maybe i am concious in the way that i am smarter than most people, but that has nothing to do with my musical preferences. kweli likes 50 cent. think about that.
2: i am not muslim.
i cannot recall the ammount of times people "a salam alakum"-ed me when i had a scarf on my head. once again, sometimes i dont wnna do my hair. i have about 5-6 scarves for just such an occasion. they are pretty, and serve their purpose. i have alot of hair, despite the fact that my fro is usually tightly curled. i dont know SHIT about islam, except what a few of my friends and my theologist mother has told me. i saw malcolm X once... i was little. anyone can cut up some fabric or go to the hair store and get a damn scarf. dont play yourself. (side note: women never assume i am muslim. is this some kind of pick up line?)
3: i have my hair natural because...
when i turned 15, it started falling out. not for any ethnic or religious reason. pure vanity. ironically, i was dating a caucasion when i first started growing my fro.
vanity is also the reason i color it. i think it looks better red than brown. why did i press it last week? vanity. like i said, it curls tight and i love it, but it takes me HOURS to do anything to it. i usually have to have a day off just to wash it. its versatile. i'd never get a perm again, or dreads, so stop asking!!!!!
4: i do care about my looks.
i just dont care what you think of them. not even my mother cant get me to not wear jeans and sneakers to church. i cant remember the last time i wore a dress. my philosophy on shirts is, "if youre gonna stare at my breasts, you should have something to read." i dont wear makeup because i'm already that pretty. i have great skin and i'd like to keep it that way. furthermore, i am SO VERY SHALLOW. its a sickness really.
5: i actually love pork.
i just dont eat it. when i was 15, i saw a show where a group of people taking care of baby pigs. they are so cute! adoreable! so i decided that when i got older i was gonna have a runt pig (like wilbur from charlotte's web). knowing pigs are smart, i decided to stop eating pork. ever once in a while i'd eat bacon, but i'd only regret it and it made me sick. turkey bacon tastes better too. once again, not a religious thing. also, i am not a vegetarian. i'm just a picky eater.
for those of you that know me, this was probably just a laugh. if you dont know me, maybe we could all stop making assumptions about people. take the time to learn about people. we're pretty interesting and dont fit any mold but our own.
1: i am not one of those "concious" girls.
i got this one today in electronic music class. we were talking about The Game, who i think is generally wack, and when asked what kind of music i listen to i mentioned Talib Kweli and Mos Def, along with others who the guy i was talking to chose to ignore.
"so you one of them concious girls?"-he notices my andy warhol print scarf on my head (cuz i didnt wanna do my hair-more on that later)
"no, i just like good rappers. The Game is typical. and also wack."
ok people... just because i refuse to fall into the G-Unit trap, doesnt mean i am one of those "the black struggle" people. honestly, i'm struggling enough for me, i dont need to worry about the rest of us. stop trying to figure me out!!! if he had asked who my favorite musicians were, it would have been a long time before a rapper's name would have popped up. i prefer rock. but since i am african american, that never even registered to him. so maybe i am concious in the way that i am smarter than most people, but that has nothing to do with my musical preferences. kweli likes 50 cent. think about that.
2: i am not muslim.
i cannot recall the ammount of times people "a salam alakum"-ed me when i had a scarf on my head. once again, sometimes i dont wnna do my hair. i have about 5-6 scarves for just such an occasion. they are pretty, and serve their purpose. i have alot of hair, despite the fact that my fro is usually tightly curled. i dont know SHIT about islam, except what a few of my friends and my theologist mother has told me. i saw malcolm X once... i was little. anyone can cut up some fabric or go to the hair store and get a damn scarf. dont play yourself. (side note: women never assume i am muslim. is this some kind of pick up line?)
3: i have my hair natural because...
when i turned 15, it started falling out. not for any ethnic or religious reason. pure vanity. ironically, i was dating a caucasion when i first started growing my fro.
vanity is also the reason i color it. i think it looks better red than brown. why did i press it last week? vanity. like i said, it curls tight and i love it, but it takes me HOURS to do anything to it. i usually have to have a day off just to wash it. its versatile. i'd never get a perm again, or dreads, so stop asking!!!!!
4: i do care about my looks.
i just dont care what you think of them. not even my mother cant get me to not wear jeans and sneakers to church. i cant remember the last time i wore a dress. my philosophy on shirts is, "if youre gonna stare at my breasts, you should have something to read." i dont wear makeup because i'm already that pretty. i have great skin and i'd like to keep it that way. furthermore, i am SO VERY SHALLOW. its a sickness really.
5: i actually love pork.
i just dont eat it. when i was 15, i saw a show where a group of people taking care of baby pigs. they are so cute! adoreable! so i decided that when i got older i was gonna have a runt pig (like wilbur from charlotte's web). knowing pigs are smart, i decided to stop eating pork. ever once in a while i'd eat bacon, but i'd only regret it and it made me sick. turkey bacon tastes better too. once again, not a religious thing. also, i am not a vegetarian. i'm just a picky eater.
for those of you that know me, this was probably just a laugh. if you dont know me, maybe we could all stop making assumptions about people. take the time to learn about people. we're pretty interesting and dont fit any mold but our own.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
shamelessly stolen from everyone...
1) A favorite political track.
'MIA' or 'who's ya leader' by MIA
2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
'shake' by Pitbull (mentirosa!!!!)
3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
'dont' by Jewel
"southern girl" by incubus (youre an exception to the rules/ youre a bonified rarity/ youre all i ever wanted- southern girl, could you want me?)- bonus cuz kesi's southern and i'm not. of course i change girl to boy...
4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.
anything by Fiona Apple or Incubus
5) A song that you like, that a two-year-old would like as well.
'check on it' by Beyonce. My cousin Shamar's favorite.
6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
'faint' Linkin Park. 'Cameltosis' by Korn. That song is sexy.
7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
anything by Youthful Praise, the choir my cousin is in. They have two cd's and they are great.
8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
'time' by Stone Temple Pilots, 'linger' by Cranberries
9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
'the ghost of you' by My Chemical Romance.
10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life
'better than fine' Fiona Apple
11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
'any man of mine' Shania Twain. 'canon in d' by Pachelbel.
12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
'oceania' by Bjork. Reminds me of the womb.
13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
'stickwitu remix' PCD and Avant.
14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsensically, religiously etc.)
'dance dance' Fall Out Boy- I dont know half the words he's saying. And for that matter, 'love' by Keshia Cole. Dont repeat the verse and think we dont notice.
15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
'lemme see ya do it' Lil John.
'Rodeo' Juvenile.
16) Your smooth song, for relaxing:
'aqueous transmission' by Incubus
17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
'kill you' by Korn. The name alone says alot.
18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
'like a stone' by Audioslave
19) A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member.
Pale September by Fiona Apple- well yes lauren is right. But also the lion king theme, thanks to kesi's first thoughts about my grandma's birthday party.
20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
'riding swerving' by Project Pat,
'on and on' by Brefontaine.
'MIA' or 'who's ya leader' by MIA
2) One of those tracks that make you dance on the dancefloor no matter what.
'shake' by Pitbull (mentirosa!!!!)
3) The song you’d use to tell someone you love them.
'dont' by Jewel
"southern girl" by incubus (youre an exception to the rules/ youre a bonified rarity/ youre all i ever wanted- southern girl, could you want me?)- bonus cuz kesi's southern and i'm not. of course i change girl to boy...
4) A song that has made you sit down and analyze it’s lyrics.
anything by Fiona Apple or Incubus
5) A song that you like, that a two-year-old would like as well.
'check on it' by Beyonce. My cousin Shamar's favorite.
6) A song that gives you an energy boost.
'faint' Linkin Park. 'Cameltosis' by Korn. That song is sexy.
7) A song that you and your grandparents (would probably) like.
anything by Youthful Praise, the choir my cousin is in. They have two cd's and they are great.
8) A song that you really liked when you were 14-16, and still really like now.
'time' by Stone Temple Pilots, 'linger' by Cranberries
9) A sad song that would be in the soundtrack of the movie about your life.
'the ghost of you' by My Chemical Romance.
10) A peppy song that would start the opening credits of the movie about your life
'better than fine' Fiona Apple
11) A good song from a genre of music that no one would guess that you liked.
'any man of mine' Shania Twain. 'canon in d' by Pachelbel.
12) A song that you think should have been playing when you were born.
'oceania' by Bjork. Reminds me of the womb.
13) A favorite artist duo collaboration.
'stickwitu remix' PCD and Avant.
14) A favorite song that you completely disagree with (politically, morally, commonsensically, religiously etc.)
'dance dance' Fall Out Boy- I dont know half the words he's saying. And for that matter, 'love' by Keshia Cole. Dont repeat the verse and think we dont notice.
15) The song that you like despite the fact your IQ level drops several points every time you listen to it.
'lemme see ya do it' Lil John.
'Rodeo' Juvenile.
16) Your smooth song, for relaxing:
'aqueous transmission' by Incubus
17) A song you would send to someone you hate or are mad at.
'kill you' by Korn. The name alone says alot.
18) A favorite track from an outfit considered a “super-group.”
'like a stone' by Audioslave
19) A song that makes you reminisce about good times with a family member.
Pale September by Fiona Apple- well yes lauren is right. But also the lion king theme, thanks to kesi's first thoughts about my grandma's birthday party.
20) Your favorite song at this moment in time.
'riding swerving' by Project Pat,
'on and on' by Brefontaine.
Friday, March 03, 2006
-I'm a cheerleader! -Thats because you look cute in the skirt.
(originally written a few days ago. i'm still swolen and still cant get a doctor.)
This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.
But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.
Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.
So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.
So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.
This is all very true. Over the past week alone, i've comforted a friend who lost money, did the seat shimmy for another who rapped, and encouraged a third that her post graduation plans were perfect for her. I have the uncanny ability to see the bright side of everything while still being realistic, which i think is the reason they love me.
But right now, i'm sitting, surrounded by people, trying not to cry. Last thursday i woke up to a mildly swolen ankle. My ankle swells from time to time; my heel dropped into a hole and overextended when i was playing softball in high school. It goes away and is never a big deal. I even joked that kesi kicked me while we slept the night before.
Later that day, i was tired of limping and decided to get an ankle wrap from first aid at work. Its been wrapped on and off ever since. Its tuesday.
So today i decide enough is enough. My mom, who massaged my ankle and leg (did i mention the pain shoots up my leg behind my shin?) said i should go to the clinic near my brother's school. Long story short, the lady there tells me that:
a. theyre closed,
b. they are by appointment, and
c. the's next available one is in april.
If my ankle is still swolen by then, i'm the stupid one for letting it be.
So i cant be the cheerleader right now. I can barely walk and its throwing my whole body off. It makes me sad and i feel crippled. So i'm gonna try another doctor friday, the only other day i have off. I wish i could see the bright side of this, and i wish i could run to it.
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